Chapter 4

"Kumiko?" I said her name once again. The summer vacation started a few days ago. We are practicing at the Daikichiyama as we are craving for the cool breeze, and not to mention that we are at the top of the mountain so we can practice as loud as we can. But it seems that the girl beside me is in a daze, she hasn't been concentrating at all. She finally looked at me, her face looks puzzled. "I said give me a note"

"Eh? Ah, right, sorry" she started playing the bass part of the piece we're currently playing. The competition is drawing near, it's not good if she stay like this. It's time to play my parts but I didn't budge, I want to observe her reaction but of course, she didn't even notice.

"Kumiko, what's up with you today?" I asked her, slightly annoyed. She lowered her head, feeling guilty, it looks like she noticed the displeasure in my voice.

Then she raised her head, her eyes are full of determination this time. "Sorry, let's start from the beginning"

Feeling a little guilty with the way I managed to make her concentrate, I put down my instrument and faced her with a smile. "Sorry, scratch what I just said. You look troubled, are you alright?" I made it sure that I didn't sound scary, I am aware that my default voice and expression are displeasing to most people so I at least want the people who are close to me to feel relaxed when they're with me.

Kumiko looked surprised for a moment but she loosens up straight away. She put her euphonium down then closed the sheet music and placed it on her lap. She remained staring at the sheet music so I cannot fully see her face. Her long eyelashes are visible to me though, they were beautiful, no, beautiful is not the right word, or more like it's not enough to describe those sweeping eyelashes, they were just too sexy. Her hair is tied in a ponytail, some loose hair strands are tucked in her ears making her hair looks a little messy, but it surely doubled her charisma. She's wearing a half smile, the most ambiguous type of smile and those lips… those lips are as enticing as ever. She slowly raised her face, I flinched a little. I cannot believe myself. Her face is so red, and her smile is gone. It looks like she's hesitating to open her mouth. But after a moment, she finally said something.

"I-it's your fault, Reina" she said, not looking into my eyes. My fault? Ah, so this is about what happened that night. Now that the topic about it has been opened up, my blood instantly rushed to my face.

She continued, "I thought for sure that you'll avoid me, or be disgusted with me or something" her face is facing the ground once again so I can't see her expression. "But you acted normal the next day."

A few weeks have passed since that night, since Kumiko and I shared a kiss after watching a piano recital. I still remember every detail and every word that we said to each other. "Do you think this is wrong?" I managed to give her a logical answer. That's right, I'm aware that it was wrong, wrong in every aspect. We're friends, not a couple. But her next question, "Do you want me to stop?" Why in the world did I answer "no"? Am I a pervert? Did my curiosity got the best of me? But one thing is for sure, I don't lie. I meant what I said that night, which made it more confusing for me.

"You're right, it's my fault. I'm sorry." I apologized. After all, I started that weird atmosphere. To avoid the topic about my sad childhood, I teased her instead resulting to that kiss. "I set that weird mood that you had to go that far" I was completely clueless about her reason for kissing me, she made the first move , and I'm sure that she's not so simple to do that just for fun. Well, I can think of one thing but I don't want to jump to conclusions. Not yet.

"Eh?" Kumiko looked at me, her eyebrows furrowed. Looks like what I said didn't make sense to her.

"Look, you're my friend. My only friend, I am not so low that I'll avoid you or feel disgusted with you just because of what happened that night" I held her hand, I want her to know that I'm serious, I am not playing friends with her, I don't do that kind of thing. When I decide to form a bond with someone, it'll be as strong as chain. "So don't ever think like that again"

Kumiko look stunned, she couldn't say a word for a while. She lowered her head again, but after she regained her composure, she glanced up at me with a mischievous smile. "Well, I will just see how things will turn out for now. I got that far after all"

Her words are ambiguous, confusing and maybe misleading but I have a feeling I understood what she meant. That mischievous smile and that intense look in her eyes, plus the content of her words. You don't have to be a genius to get something so simple, it can only mean one thing. Should I just ask her? But it will surely lead to an awkward atmosphere, I might put her to in a tight corner. And I might put myself in a corner too. I am almost positive that she has feelings for me but what me? What about my feelings?

I stared at the girl in front of me. Do I like her? Or not? I don't know what to feel.

Kumiko suddenly let out a small laugh. "What's with that look? You're so hard to read, Reina" She started putting her euphonium in the case. "The sun is setting, let's stop for today. I promise I'll get back on track tomorrow"

"Okay, if that's what you want". What I just said wasn't just about going home. She doesn't want to talk about her feelings and I'm honestly fine with it.


The way back home seems too short when I'm with someone. I used to practice at the Daikichiyama alone before I became friends with Kumiko. Daikichiyama is a special place for me, I don't just go there for practice, I go there when I'm upset too. I don't know if it's because I ddin't have someone to talk about my problems with, but I develop a hobby of screaming when I cannot contain my anger anymore. Call me scary, but I sometimes break things too when I'm really upset.

I looked at my wrist watch, it's already 17:30. We eat dinner at six in the evening, so I should hurry.

"Kousaka?" Kumiko and I stopped walking after hearing someone from behind.

"Senpai, good afternoon" it was my three senpai in trumpet section.

"About to go home? It's still early, you two should come with us, let's go to Karaoke!" Kasano-senpai said and placed her hands to mine and Kumiko's shoulders.

I didn't like how she's being over-familiar with me, or with Kumiko. And Karaoke at this hour? "Sorry senpai, but I have to get home at six."

"Oh come on! Don't be-

"And I prefer practicing over doing nonsense things like that. Thanks for the invite but I shall excuse myself now" I reached for Kumiko's hand and pulled her closer to me. "Let's go, Kumiko"

"What a bitch, making us look like slackers" "Way to kill the mood" "Acting so big just because she can play well". Same old, same old. I continued walking, dragging Kumiko with me. I don't care what other people say about me. I bet Kumiko knew how other people see me but still, I don't want her to hear those things. They say all trumpet players are arrogant and people see me as the best example of that, hearing it from a co-trumpet player is no big deal, and I don't think I'm a mood killer at all, I just find the usual teenage activities boring as hell. Is it wrong to think like that?

Kumiko suddenly stopped walking. I turned to face her and smiled, "What? Do you agree with them?"

Kumiko answered my question with a question too, "Why did you do that Reina?"

"What do you mean? I just said it, I need to go home"

"You didn't have to be so rude though, those girls are from your section and they are our senpai" She is clearly scolding me. I averted my eyes, accepting defeat.

"Well, I admit that the way I said it was wrong .It's a bad habit of mine, but isn't practicing still the most important?" I'm still right on that part right?

"Well, practicing is important but.." She played with her hair while trying to find the right words to say. Ah, this conversation reminded me of the question I wasn't able to ask when we were at the rooftop.

Now tell me, what is that other important thing besides hard work. "Don't you think building a strong bond with our band mates is just as important as practicing?"

I raised my one eyebrow. I don't understand. Why do I have to be friends with others just to reach my goal? If we all play well then isn't the result going to be the same? I actually believe that human emotions can be considered as hindrance, I know because I have experienced that. I'm at lost for words, I didn't answer her.

"Don't you think so?" She's looking straight to my eyes, not letting me to avoid the topic or play it as a joke.

Fine, I'll say what's on my mind then. "I don't want to hang out with people who don't interest me. I think it's stupid to do things you don't like just because they were considered as the normal things to do. Being a faceless member of the crowd is something I want to avoid" I put down my trumpet case and walked three steps ahead of Kumiko. I held my own hand and then turned to face her. Seeing her looking dumbfounded, my lips curled into a smirk, "Don't look at me like that. I know you get it"

Kumiko slightly laughed, "You really are something, Reina"

"I want to be special, Kumiko" I said with conviction. She smiled after hearing it, other people will probably laugh at that childish declaration but as expected, she was different, she looked at me with eyes full of understanding.

I never wanted to put my desire in words because words can be easily misunderstood. People who think they are superior will just make fun of me and think I'm just a child, inferior ones are just going to take my words as bragging, they will just think I'm being as arrogant as always. But Kumiko is different, I think she's somewhat similar to me.

Has a terrible personality but always true to herself, determined about making it to Nationals, is mischievous but can be serious. I just feel like I see myself in her or something, that's why even with my wrong assumptions about her at the start, she managed to lure me right away.

I am so glad she became my friend. It's more fun when we're together. I know she feels the same thing so everything will more enjoyable from now on…..or so I thought. Until the summer vacation ended.


" I like you, Reina!"

Oh right, she's in love with me. I was too focused on our views, beliefs, similarities and stuff that I actually forgot about this. Almost a month has passed since the thought of her liking me crossed my mind. I thought that she doesn't want to talk about this and want to focus on our summer practices instead but I guess that's not the case. So this is why she called me out here, I should have known.

"I-I may have done things out of order b-but I still want to make it clear" she's stuttering and fidgeting, "I like you…. For a very long time now" she finally said it. Oh, Kumiko.

"Yeah, I was kinda getting the vibe" I smiled at her, trying to make her feel more relaxed. But it didn't help at all, she just looked at me in disbelief.

"Y-you knew?! E-even though you're Reina? Why didn't you say so?!" Kumiko's throwing multiple questions at me, I think I heard something offensive mixed in there but I shall ignore it for now.

"I don't want to say something I'm not entirely sure that's true." And I honestly thought it was better to be proven wrong.

Kumiko blushed, she's blushing so hard that I started getting flustered too. Talk about awkward situation. I can't blame her though, she's been hanging out with me for weeks now, unaware that I'm getting the feeling that she's into me. The silence is killing me but I don't know what to say, normally Kumiko's the one handling the mood but she's in much tougher place right now.

Should I say something? But what?

"Reina…" She spoke! I am so glad! Or so I thought but her next words put me in a bind. "Your feelings, c-can you at least tell me how you feel ?"

I'm stuck. I didn't have a time to properly think about that, and I honestly can't think straight right now. She's important to me, I know, she's special to me, that's a given. But is that love? I don't know! This is really new to me, how can I possibly know. I clenched my fist, how do I feel about her? What should I feel about her? Should I really be asking myself these things?

They say love is not something you look for, it's something you feel. When you feel it, you'll know right away. Is this it? Have I found my answer? I closed my eyes and tried to remember the days I spent with Kumiko. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. Going home together, playing together, all those laughter and mocking.

And then the kiss popped out in my mind. The kiss we shared after I promised to play a romantic piece for her. How did I feel back then? Did I even feel a thing?

I opened my eyes and quickly stared at the girl in front of me. She looked surprised for a bit, then she gave me a tender smile, I suddenly feel like crying. Hurting her is the last thing I would want. Why does she like me anyway? I still don't understand that. A few weeks ago, I was thinking about how everything will be more fun but I'm losing it at this moment. I don't understand, I don't understand. Should I reconsider? But…. But there is nothing to reconsider. Feelings don' lie.

I bit my lower lip and then I spoke in a very low audible voice, "Do you really want to know?"

She looked at me with wide eyes, and then she averted her gaze. She smiled a little but her smile didn't reach her eyes. The sight stung my heart so hard."No, not yet. I think I already knew the answer but I don't want to accept it"

I was shocked. I didn't expect her to run from the truth. It's so not like her but at the same time, I felt really glad. Really glad. I don't even understand myself anymore. I don't want her to run from the truth but I was relieved. The feeling of not wanting to hurt her is overtaking me.

Wanting to lighten the atmosphere, I teased her. "Are you going to say 'I'll make you fall in love with me' or something like that?"

Kumiko let out a small laugh. "You're terrible, Reina" Looks like I failed, this is what happens when you left me in charge of reading the mood. "But no, I'm not going to say something cliché like that" Not wanting to say something common. I'm the same Kumiko, we really are alike. "I just don't want the current you to say it"

I raised my one eyebrow, not understanding what she meant. "I'll wait until you properly understand people's emotions. To be honest, what you said back then about people really made me see you in a new light, I completely agree with you and I truly believe you will become special" She reached out for my hand, held it firmly with her two hands and then placed it at her chest." What you said back then gave me the courage. That's why I'm right here in front of you, confessing my love" She closed her eyes and stayed silent for a minute, and she spoke once again, "But I think there are still some crucial things you don't understand."

I parted my lips, I've thought of saying something but immediately stop before I can even start, realizing that maybe she's right. I let Kumiko continue, "I am not doing this just because I want you to like me back, I want you to understand other people because I believe they're important to you, I want you to reach your dreams." I know. I know she's only thinking about me. "I'm not trying to deceive you" Even if you are, I feel like I'm fine with that.

I remained silent, enthralled by her words. She slowly opened her eyes, she looked at me, her eyes are filled with nothing but affection. "I will stay with you until you finally understand people, their feelings, and your feelings". She let go of my hand,"When that time comes, and you still feel nothing about me then…"

Her eyes are sad yet she's smiling, "Reject me"