Chapter Three: Confessions
As I walked down the hall I realized he wasn't in the kitchen. He must be in the den. I walked forward, the fear of what would occur encroached my body, making my movement stiff even as my body shook.
I hovered into the doorway, not fully entering the den. He raised his head. He had been sitting on the edge of the couch, his legs spread apart while his folded hands with intertwined fingers floated in between as his elbows rested on his thighs. He breathed deep, more like a silent sigh, as he lowered his head back into a bow.
I couldn't. I didn't want to. The numbness was creeping up my body as if spreading from the tops of my fingers and my toes into my very core. Into my heart.
I hovered in the doorway, measuring which need was greater: my need to walk away forever, or my need to know.
Suddenly, the phone rang. In such an epic moment where the air hung thick with tension as it did now, I'd normally jump. However, the sudden break of silence wasn't frightening, it was precious. I glided to the phone gratefully, wanting to delay what had to come.
Charlie. He was caught up at work. He said he'd bring a pizza by the Black's house around six. It was one thirty. I excused Jake and myself from it, saying I'd make something for the two of us here. I needed the time to recover. If Charlie came home at all, it wouldn't be until late. Eleven, twelve even.
Charlie said goodbye and I hung up rather reluctantly. It was now. It was going to happen. I hung up the receiver and stared out into space. I knew I'd have to move or he'd come in here. It'd be more comfortable in the den. Plus, I'd have time to compose myself. I took a deep breath and fought the numbness. I practically floated back to the doorway, being so lightheaded.
I hesitated in the doorway once more. I didn't know how close I should get. I didn't know where to sit. What to say. I didn't know how to breathe. I gasped for air.
Edward turned his head to look up at me, almost amused at my struggle for air. Then he let out an almost inaudible sigh as he turned his head back to face the ground. "Sit," he begged hoarsely.
I slowly walked in and plopped down on the floor, indian style, about three or four feet away from him.
Seconds flew by as we sat there in silence. He continued to stare at the floor as I gazed at his bowed head. I finally tried to speak, starting to speak then stopping, over and over again, though not actually issuing any sounds. He spoke first, breaking my struggle.
"I'll start with the simplest, why I am here." He waited to see if I'd object – I didn't, so he continued after another long sigh.
"I had enough. I fought with myself for weeks on end and I had finally decided. I needed to come back. It took a lot of effort, trust me. But I finally convinced myself. So then, I set off for Forks." His voice grew more confident as he went on. His gaze never left the floor.
"I hunted on the way, being more careful, it's been so long …. I arrived in Forks a little after one. One sixteen to be precise. I had dropped stuff off at my house, then ran here. I slowly stepped out of the forest in your backyard when I heard an unfamiliar voice – train of thought.
"It was chanting. 'Bella, Bella, Bella.' I listened harder and got nothing but silence. I then knew you were there, too. I was slowly approaching your back door when it happened. I smelt blood and heard a low, dull thud. A roar of anger and your heartbeat shuddered.
"I didn't bother to noticed the blood smelt nothing like yours – something I now picked up on. I thought you were hurt as I flew through Charlie's window and paused outside your door. The smell of blood went away as quickly as it came. Then I heard growling. I feared greatly for you, not knowing what was on the other side of the door other than some vile cretin who was repeatedly chanting your name in his head.
"At the time, I assumed he was the one who dropped you and made you bleed. The idea of some one hurt you angered me and I burst in.
"What I found was … not what I had ever expected. You were safe. You were whole. You were with another man. I had just stepped in between something … something I could never do." The last part was almost unheard as his voice had faded. He didn't want me to have heard it, but I did.
"That is why I am here," he finished lamely.
I was perplexed. He returned. He feared I had been hurt, I heard the pain in his voice and it was genuine. None of it made sense. His gaze never met my eyes, let alone my body: he either stared at the floor or into space, when he had gotten into the middle of the story. Even now when he was done, he looked down.
I sighed. "Why are you here, Edward?" His response was incredulity. He looked up, though he stared directly into space and no where in my direction as he made a face that could not mar even his features. I wondered what was going through his head.
"Did you not just hear what I told you?" he demanded.
"All I heard was a lovely story of how you barged in, after breaking and entering, on me and my boyfriend!"
"Boyfriend," he scoffed in an undertone. "Besides, the window was open and I didn't break anything, though I can't deny I entered. However, you're more than welcome to kick me out. It is your house after all."
The offer was tempting, but I passed it. I need to know. I was trying hard to ask the question, but I couldn't. I ended up crying. I just sat there, my hands folded on my lap, and let the tears flow.
For the first time, he looked at me. His face was fully of horror and for once, was not beautiful. No. That wasn't true. It was beautiful. They only problem was that it hurt me to see him so horrified. It make me think I had chance. It made me cry even more.
He leaped up off the couch and skidded onto his knees in front of me, our knees almost touching, He slowly lifted his right hand up to touch my cheek but I turned my face away in pain, the tears still flowing. He stopped. This pained him as much as it did me. He dropped his hand in his lap.
"Bella," he pleaded.
"Why?" I demanded, my voice was sharp. My head was still turned away and me yees shut.
"'Why' what, Bella?"
"You left." I stated the obvious, venom still present in my voice.
"But I've returned," he countered.
"Stop it!" I spit out with vile hate. He broke me. He loved me as a lie. Then he left with no reason, no consideration. He left me to wallow in my greif. I have never been the same since.
Hate and fury built but it was too much, I didn't care that he was back. He shouldn't have to tell me he's back, he shouldn't have left. Ever. I love him. I still love him. He's everything I want and need. But could it ever be the same? He didn't want me. He didn't need me.
He had recoiled before, when I yelled in his face, jumping back a few feet. However, now, he reached out to hold my head so I could not look anywhere but at him. My breath rushed intermittently as my heard raced, I had not remembered the touch of his icy skin. How it sent a shiver down my spine, but not because it was too cold. The next shock I received was when I looked into his eyes.
The liquid topaz was piercing as it pleaded for my attention. They were brighter than I could ever remember. How much did he eat? I was unnecessary. Then again, it had been a very long time. Since … since he left …
"Bella, please. I am going to explain to my fullest. Can you allow me that much? I need you to understand so that I can keep going." I nodded.
It figured. He just felt it was fair to tell me why he no longer loved me, then he was going to leave. Again. I was not, I am not, prepared for him to leave me a second time. Once had been more than enough. However, I complied with his request.
"It began after your birthday, if you hadn't noticed. Due to my lack of necessity for sleep, I had time. Time to think. Time to plan. We were not safe. You knew that. I told you that from the very beginning. However, I was selfish. I took it too far. Every day my family cautioned me to how easily I could killed you. Every day, Jasper and Emmett teased me to how easily I was going to kill you.
"That night decided it. Jasper almost killed you. If it weren't for me, he would have. I don't know what I would have done. What any of us would have done. Your death would have affected us all catastrophically.
"So, I decided the best was to leave. I told my family my choice and they agreed. They didn't want you dead any more than I did, the problems it would have caused …
"That's why we left."
So that was it. He had had fallen too far in love with me. I was in constant danger. My second near-death experience, but this time from his brother. Instead of having to deal with Charlie and the rest of all the two police, he'd left. He said it himself, how they all would be effected by my death. Charlie would have known I was with him, or even his whole family. When I never returned or my body was found, they'd be questioned, and Charlie would know.
That's it. They were afraid that if they were questioned about my death, they'd be exposed. Sooner or later, someone would know of their secret, and then what would they do? That's why they left, for fear of exposure, of ruining all they had built. And after realizing what I could do to it all, Edward realized I wasn't worth it, just another distraction.
"I understand. You left to save yourself. Your family is now safe. They can't be exposed now because they can't be the cause of my death. It's not surprising. I'm sure I could have lived without you coming to tell me, though. You leaving me once was enough. Now that I know you don't love me, the second time won't be much better," I stated blatantly, as if mere fact.
It truly was unnecessary, his visit. I was currently unemotional. The pain would indeed come later, in torrents. I already felt bad for what Jake would now experience first hand - he missed the intensity of my crash the first time, only meeting the after effects.
However, after I said that, Edward looked struck. Almost as though my paraphrase hurt him. It looked like he would cry if he could.
"What are you talking about, Bella?"
"You heard me. You don't love me. You never did. You left to protect you and your family's reputation. You came back to just let me know, in case I didn't understand. I know. There's no love for me, no hope."
"No hope?" he spluttered. His expression changed. "No hope!" He screamed it this time. "Bella, you truly don't listen. I didn't leave for me! I left for you! If you died I'd have nothing left to … exist for! My family would suffer my eternal depression forever. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let you die, not when you had so much to live for!
"It was harder than I thought. For no matter how constantly I reminded you, no matter how often I drew the line, reminding you of my limits, you never let go. You truly loved me, making leaving you even harder than it was.
"Then, when we left, I had a worser fear realized. My family hated me before I met you, they were bored of seeing me absorb myself in only my music, not any actual being. Leaving you was worse. I split from my family, venturing on my own. By mid-October, I was finally hit with the solidarity of my arrangement.
"I was in South America at the time. I found a cave in some forest and I curled up. I allowed myself to succumb to my grief. I didn't feed and I grew weak. I was determined to find a way to diminish into nothing, to cease to exist, to die."
This thought, of Edward, no long existing stole through me unleashing a new hurt. Impossible. He had to exist. Always. Even if I didn't. His voiced picked up with a new intensity.
"It was late April when I emerged from my cave. I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed to make things right, or at least try. But I needed to feed first, I was unbearably weak.
"The whole time I didn't try, just wishing to diminish into nothingness. You at least tried. I urged you to get on with your life, to meet someone else. The thought of that drove me. It was exactly what I demanded of you, and exactly what I dreaded. The anxiety built and I needed to be with you. To touch you, to smell you. Oh, to smell your blood! I needed to return, I shouldn't have left. I love you, Bella! I still love you – I have never stopped loving you!"
( Disclaimer : I do not own the Twilight Saga or any of the characters present in it. )
( AN : Sorry but this chapter was originally mucho longer because it was hand written, so I had to break it in half. I don't like how it's broken, but it was the only way. And btw, Edward didn't actually fly through Charlie's window like stupid movie Edward can. It was an expression, duhr! )
( PS : Ok, so, this part: "What I found was … not what I had ever expected. You were safe. You were whole. You were with another man. I had just stepped in between something … something I could never do." is what the last chapter was named after, in case any of you were wondering. Remember, this was chapter two, too, before. )
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