A.N.
Maybe I need to set up a schedule for myself, so I don't
end up stalling in posting and editing my work...but the things is
I'd only disregard the schedule and then that would come to mean that
making the schedule would be an even bigger waste of my time.
Chapter 4
Nagato walked around while I squeezed his hand, my face still felt warm, even though I should have grown accustom the feel of his gentle hand, but for some reason I was on edge. To me it was all so strange, holding hands, especially holding hands with Nagato, how could I not feel 'strange?' When did I ever think that I'd actually ever hold hands with him? The thing is I never thought I would, strange ideas like that are insane, almost as insane as Haruki himself, but justs a little less insane, a speckle less, only a speckle, a pinch. Still, I was sweating so much! And I was confused as to why. Damn, I don't even understand it all, how could I understand it all when nobody's taken the time to explain it to me! Somebody really should knock some sense into me before I do something I'll regret later...still...would I regret it? If I'm doing it there has to be reason, even if I'm not aware of it myself, there has to be a strange reason for my strange and awkward behavior. Maybe I have the flu, no, the flu usually makes you bedridden, and I feel fine. A cold is impossible, I don't have a fever, I'm completely fine. More then Haruki's brain will ever be that thing is damaged forever. We should simply put a sticker on it and call it 'spoiled goods' then we'll throw him a bargain bin somewhere, and after a few weeks we'll then throw him into a garbage dump!
I'm fine, my body is fine, I feel fine. My head's warm, but not because I'm sick. There's something else at work, something I don't understand. Why do I do these 'things' to him, I don't understand it. Once again, how could I when I've yet to learn about it, no one has taught me about this? What is this? Could I ever really hope to describe it with words? Well yeah, I could describe anything with words, sure they'd be meaningless since if you've never felt it then how can you hope to fathom the feeling I'm describing, but that's not saying it's impossible to describe it with words. I can say the way my body felt, but it'd be meaningless. I could take two hundred pages, but it'd still be lacking in the properties needed to describe the feeling. It could be a thousand page book in the end, but would it mean more than a ten page book? I don't think it would, and more importantly the reader would only grow bored. If it's possible it's probably better to describe it in a few words, but what those words are I don't know. If you say it's amazing, breathtaking, things like that, it'd mean so many different things. How amazing feels to someone may not be the same feeling to all, what's breathtaking to some may be an entirely different feeling for others, so saying that accomplishes nothing more than wasting some time on writing it.
Words, you can describe so many things with them, but can accurately describe them? If I said 'the way he looks at books is bizarre'...wouldn't someone out there first think I was talking about the way he held them? But I was talking about the way he scanned them from the top to the bottom. I could say 'the way he looks at books is bizarre, his eyes went up and down the front and back covers,' still it seems washed out, lacking to say the least. If I wanted to properly explain it and the entire scene, I'd need many more details, boring details...
The sweat on my hand was suffocating...but I'm okay, I can breathe.... My body was ready to topple over and knock shelves down, simply because, I was holding his hand.
I'm saying the same thing here, or at least, I'm trying to say the same thing. The thing is, the latter would could interpreted in many different ways, while the former is simple; I felt queasy. So which one would be better comprehended, I'd say the first one, it's easy to read but no very deep into the entire feeling. So then it'd be the second, which could imply I felt like I had the flu. But I don't feel like I have the flu...so which one is better? I guess either way it'll never be perfect, this along with many other things has too many flaws, but in saying that nothing should be perfect. Nothing can be perfect would be more accurate. But it's nice to think that things are perfect since it's rather pessimistic to think nothing is perfect. Still is being a pessimist a bad thing?
Regardless, I felt strange, out of place, like it wasn't me that was doing those things. Or maybe that sentence is entirely flawed. Maybe for once, I felt like it was me, for once I was doing what I wanted, maybe that's right. But is it right to say I 'wanted' that? Did I really want that, the problem is, I don't understand myself anymore, who am I? Have I been here this whole time? Really, when I did what I did, I didn't think about it very much, I just did it, simple and pure I performed them and once I had, I felt that I never wanted to let go. But I don't understand why I don't want to let go. It feels strange almost like I'm crazy, I'm insane...to put it simple, I'm insane. His hand, how he pulled me, and more then anything, how I felt I couldn't talk. If I said something I might risk something happening.... I don't know what that something is though!
My body felt so weak, I couldn't control a muscle, they were moving by themselves as if they knew what was better for me. I couldn't do anything but let him guide me around, it was almost surreal, I say almost because if it was surreal it'd seem too much like a dream, which it could be....although it'd only be ironic...so I hope it's not.
Saying that would a person be able to understand what I mean? Actually, yeah they would be able to understand me, but why couldn't I just say: 'I felt like it was a dream,' this would make it much simpler... and easy to read. Sure saying it simple gets no feeling across, but it's still saying it. And I have to say, it still even in the first way, lacking, it doesn't carry my full emotions...
His nimble fingers moved across the shelf searching for the next object to squander time on, his other hand continued to hold me, the way it felt, the way his hand was so warm, they way I felt that I didn't know what I was feeling, all of it felt....I don't know.
How can I say how it felt when I didn't understand it? It's impossible, more so than making Haruki shut up. It's almost like trying to solve a math problem without the proper formula, it's impossible saying how I felt. I understand now, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't comprehend it, I can't wrap my head around this 'feeling' this 'thought.' What ever it truly is, I can't interpret what it means, this language is too hard for me to understand. What does it means, how does it feel? If I'm feeling it, and I can't answer those questions then how can I write it down?
The jacket, the arm holding, the hand holding now, what does it all mean, why did I do those things? Hah...I don't know! Damn it, I can't understand myself, this rambling isn't accomplishing anything! It's still a mystery to me, I don't understand my own feelings, so how can I tell someone else how I feel? A feeling, a thought that feels...ecstatic? No...no.....rapture...is it rapture? Everything is so complicated, why can't it simply be happiness.......wait....happiness of another kind something that soothes my soul...that makes me happy. What else could it be? It's not making me feel depressed, it's actually something that I don't want to stop feeling, which means it must feel good like happiness does.
Happiness, I mean...everyone at least once in there life has felt happy...like the world just can't any better, or any worse....either way, it still works. At the very least I can hope, even if it's foolish that everyone has felt 'it' least once, everyone should feel that feeling once. Holding his hand, sweating, nervousness, it all felt otherworldly, hows that feel? My mind, my body, they were sweating, perspiring throwing away the things that mad me feel bad, the thoughts that were unnecessary they were being purged due to his presence or even better because the warmth of his hand. Every sicking thought, all those bad times, Haruki yelling at me this morning they were little details that I didn't even care about anymore. The bruise didn't bother anymore...his presence numbed all the bad things.......how I explain it, no matter what way, it was happiness, pure joy.
Those last words don't justly describe it, saying Haruki is a moron doesn't do him justice. It's the same, ….I have to say what the feeling is, but can't I just use 'happiness' instead of what everybody else calls it? Isn't it the same thing. To the point, Haruki is insane, not just a moron, while 'happiness' is amazing will I say breathtaking? Eh....it works....it was breathtaking. Either way it's indescribable.
Things like this can only be described to those who have felt it before....it's rather depressing when you think of it that way. Still even saying this, how I feel wouldn't be the same way someone else would feel. 'Happiness' may be something different to someone else...either way this has all just been a waste of time....
I'll never get the right words, they don't exist. If I make up words then define them accordingly, the definitions would be unknown to everyone but me unless I explained those words, but how could I? A drawing, a book, a painting, a novel...either way it's not going to capture how you feel...I can't stare at a painting and get the emotion...maybe I'm not an 'art admirer,' who has a favorite painting...because how I see every medium lacks...even photos fail....they just fake...even if they're not. A masterpiece is nothing more than another piece....that's all it can be...nothing is perfect but it's a nice idea. And it's a nice compliment. Who doesn't want to hear sweat compliments?
Who really doesn't want to be loved? ...the thing is everyone, even if they think they don't, they want someone to love them... At the very least someone to talk to... love is something that means so many things... 'happiness' who doesn't want to be happy? I don't know the answer to that question, does anybody? I think naught. If masochists love pain, and sadists enjoy the pain of others, what's the difference? If they find happiness that way then good for them....although 'happiness' means something weird here....
His hands reached for a book and never put it back. His eyes scanned it up and down, his hand still held me, and I felt so warm. I felt wasting time in a boring manner like this wasn't a big pain when I was with him. He pulled me with him as I squeezed his hand. We moved up to the counter, his steps and mine seemed synchronized, even though in reality they weren't. It's not like we could plan to step at the same time without talking to each other. When we reached the counter, he placed the book on it, then reached for his back pocket while still holding onto me. Even though he was reaching for his right back pocket, he still held onto me. I was being a hassle, a disturbance, yet he acted like I wasn't and didn't let. He insisted to reach for his right pocket with his left hand. If he didn't let go even though I was disturbing him, then that means....no...I can't simply....tell myself things...that'd be stupid. What if, I was wrong in the end? ….I'll just wait...yeah...I'll wait...till I can read him...how long will that take though!
Simply be patient....but after something like this how can? Crap...I can't do anything rash...even though my body wants me to, I can't. So......I wait until...what exactly? I thought I was getting somewhere, too! But it seems that I've simply ran into another confusing labyrinth....I need a guide....
Chapter 4—End
