I know, it's been a while. But let us pretend that you've read this all straight through. Elizabeth and Jack have just had their "curiosity" encounter atop the deck of the Pearl. They are on shore the island with the buried Dead Man's Chest. Norrington is with them. Will has secretly ridden the Dutchman to this location.
Ragetti: Hey Pintel, let's fight over whether we're Scandinavian or not so we can use up some screen time!
Jack: wobble Stay. Here.
Norrington: Look at this lovely spit of land that you've led us to, Elizabeth!
Compass: Points to Jack. Points to Norrington. Points to the Elizabeth. Stays on Jack.
Elizabeth: Your compass doesn't work for jack shit.
Jack: offended My shit is worth more than your shit, beotch.
Elizabeth: No, I mean your compass is f-cking broken. It certainly doesn't show me what I love most.
Compass: Points to Elizabeth, stays on Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Oh! Now it does.
Jack: The compa—shows you what you desire most in this woyald. I thought we've been over this! flings arms
Elizabeth: Heh?
Jack: whistle Commodore! Use your shovel and dig in my hole.
Norrington: content chuckle You know, I've been offered many a hole, and never have I accepted. Now bend over and feel what I've been saving for over thirty years...
Jack: Bends over. Pulls down pants.
Elizabeth: STOP! Jack, James... you must remember that you aren't in a Sparrington smut fic!
Jack: Oh right. Stands up Now go dig me a hole, James. I have meditation to catch up on.
Norrington: digs/ hits something hard in ground Jack? I've found myself something hard.
Elizabeth: Boys! annoyed/ angry
Jack: Elizabeth, I think he means that he's found... THE DEAD MAN'S CHEST!
END SCENE
On the Flying Dutchman.
Davy Jones: looks through telescope They've made it here before us! Boatswain, you are so dead-dah! Go my babies, go and bring me back the chest! If you fail me, I'll whip you with my tentacles! Be-ware-ah!
Hammer-head: Right on. But dude, I'm a shark. Sharks eat squids... I could hammer your big crabby ass into the next decade! mumbles angrily Hey, maybe then you could walk on land and do this shit yourself.
Davy Jones: Uh uh, boy-ee, I control your soul-lah.
Back to Pintel and Ragetti.
Pintel: Did you just see that?!
Ragetti: A snake? A plane? snakes on a plane? Superman saving a crashing plane carrying Mr. Turner's on-the-side ex-mistress?!
Pintel: You suck. What a cheap shot at a joke.
But no! The Flying Dutchman diving into the ocean!
END SCENE
The Isla de Cruces. Jack, Elizabeth, and Norrington pull the chest out of the ground. Jack breaks open the wooden chest which contains the Dead Man's Chest.
Norrington: So let me get this straight. We went all this way to find Davy Jones's chest of porn? holds out brown parchment from the chest
Elizabeth: No. shakes head/ annoyed These are love letters. Not that you'd know anything about love. tilts head toward the sky... thinks about Jack—wait no Will
Norrington: Then why does this 'love letter' have a drawing of a naked Miss Calypso: Goddess of the Sea. looks expectantly
Jack: Tia! grabs parchment from Norrington/ pulls out Dead Man's Chest from the bigger chest
All three lean in to the chest. Listen intently.
Davy Jones's Heart: THUMP THUMP!
Elizabeth: It's real.
Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.
Jack: I do that quite a lot, yet people are still surprised.
Will: Why the hell are your pants down, Jack! walks forward
Elizabeth: runs to Will/ jumps up and down Will! My lovah! I am so happy to see you! If I were a man, you would really be able to see how excited I am to see you! kisses Will passionately... you know... like cousins
Jack: disgusted/confused look
Norrington: whispers to Jack Is that look on your face because you're as jealous of Elizabeth as I am?
Jack: No, it's because in case you didn't notice, Will CAME OUT OF THE BLOODY OCEAN! ... and dude, don't you mean you're jealous of Will?
Norrington: If only it were that simple.
Jack: Who the—What the—Where—How the barnacles did you get here?
Will: Barnacles? sarcastic Really, Jack?
Jack: looks down/ inward thinking I know, huh, sounds like something you would say...
Will: Oh Jack, I should really thank you! Remember when you told me to shut the f-ck up and get you Davy Jones's damn key?
Jack: Vaguely...
Norrington: You never pulled up your pants?
Jack: It was a confusing time for me, James. You said those lovely words and I guess the heat of the moment really cau—
Elizabeth: Hush! Poor little Will is trying to say something!
Will: Thank you, teddy bear. Right, so after you demanded that I get Davy Jones's key, I reunited with my long lost father!
Jack: Who? ... Oh yes, erm, Booty! Yeah! I saw him a few weeks ago on the Black Pearl.
Will: angry!GLARE! You knew where he was all along and you didn't even mention it to me?!
Elizabeth: pouty/ lips pucker/ jaw juts You tricked my boy toy into boarding the Flying Dutchman and leading him to be captured by Davy Jones?!
Norrington: Huffy You still haven't pulled up your pants?!
Jack: Brethren, you all... need to... chillax.
Will: Oh go suck a nut, Jack! I have me some heart-a-stabbin' to do! waddles to the chest with the key in hand
Elizabeth: Oh Will! girly swoon I've never seen you so coarse! It's sexy.
Jack: points sword at Will's neck As much as I love dear old booty, I cannot let you kill Jones.
Will: ...why?
Jack: For a really contrived reason: If Jones is gone, then no one can tell the Kraken not to eat me. But you would think... THINK... that the black spot would go away if Jones were killed, yeah? But according to the plot, it doesn't and it won't.
Commodore: Damn writers! Always trying to make us opposed to one another!
Will: wimper/ whisper Oh my god he's going to kill me! Help Elizabeth?! ...Wait, not if I kill him FIRST! flings out sword and points at Jack
Norrington: whips out sword So sorry doll, I can't let you do that either...
Will: Whoa... WHOA. steps back Who are you?
Norrington: I really don't want to do the whole spiel about the shipwreck, the hurricane, and my newfound sexiness all over again.
Will: ... insecure Whatever. I feel sullied and unusual. I think I have to kill you because your hotness is detracting from my own.
Jack: Oh James, you really do love me, to defend me and all. places hand on chest
Norrington: Uh no. I love my old snuffy life and I intend to get it returned to me by means of the chest and Lord Cutler Beckett. And most importantly, I really miss the wig. grieving sigh
Will's sword points at Norrington. Norrington's points at Jack. Jack points at Will.
Pirates Fangirls: heavy drawn-out sighs I bet those swords could cut the sexual tension in the air it's so thick!
Boys: Why is this movie so incredibly homosexual? C'mon! Jack Sparrow always acts like he could be bi, and there's no doubt that Orlando Bloom is a fag. And now this!
Jack: What are we standing here for? Let's fight.
EXCITING MUSICAL SCORE PIPES UP!
Jack, Will, and Norrington use their brilliant swordsmanship to hack away at each other's flesh the air. Miraculously they manage to dance around each other with long pointy knives like ballerinas in an opera... almost as if this sequence had been rehearsed...
Elizabeth: shrillness that cannot even be reached by five cats in a bag being banged against a wall... and then shot, repeatedly STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! NO!
Audience: My Ears! MY EARS!!!
Elizabeth: This is NOT FUNNY! This is no way for grown men to settle something! sarcastic tone Let's just pull out our swords and start banging away at each other, that always solves the problem!
All three men drop weapons.
Will: You're right Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Wait—you guys are listening to me?! The human ear can pick up piercingly shrill sound waves?
Jack: It DOES always solve the problem. I'm up for it!
Norrington: slowly recollects something Yeees... although I've never had an ordeal such as this, I've heard that men extract such ecstacy from their partners that they forget their worries and all is forgiven!
Elizabeth: ... no no no. I was being sarcastic, you crazy f-ckers! And all of you are supposed to be in love with me?!
Will: You know, we finally listen to her and it just backfires on us guys.
Jack: I say we ignore her and engage into our epic sword fighting once again.
Norrington: Aye.
Elizabeth: (Her voice became so shrill I couldn't pick up the next few lines...)
Pintel and Ragetti decide that the chest is worth a 'shiny penny' so they steal it, of course. This poses a big problem, of course.
Elizabeth: ENOUGH! Oh the HEAT! THE HEAT!!! pretends to faint/ realizes it's not getting their attention
Jack, Will, and Norrington continue to wack away in a highly choreographed structure.
Elizabeth: whistles Hey fellas! lifts up top / shakes a bit
Pintel: Poppet... you know they's ain't gonna work.
Pintel and Ragetti then run away laughing with the chest.
Elizabeth: Oh Noes! I have a dead MAN'S CHEST! covers self
END SCENE
Jack, Norrington, and Will continue to fight along the beach getting ever so far away. They begin to migrate toward the mountains and a rundown crumbling mill.
Elizabeth: pouts/ looks around, sees Pintel and Ragetti running away Oh f-ck! gets up and chases them
Focus cuts to the three fighting men. Jack has the key, at the moment.
Norrington: grabs Will and pushes his face in the sand, and if that weren't enough, then kicks more sand into his eyes Buaha! You suck sand TURNER!
Will: quiet sob/ gets up and runs after them/ determined face Must save daddy!
Jack and Norrington run inside the mill and fight along the steps going to the top.
Norrington: Jack, you have no chance! I was trained by the British militia! I was a commodore! I did a swirly twirly little routine at the beginning of Pirates 1, (although it was marginalized due to the focus of Elizabeth's struggled breathing in a sexy corset), but no matter!
Jack: Dude, I'm a pira— falls off steps/ catches bell rope
Will: grabs hold of the bell rope going upwards and reaches Norrington I might have sucked sand today, Mr. Ex-Commodore, but when Elizabeth and I are married, I'll be sucking something much softer! grabs key from Norrington and rides the rope to the top
Norrington: shouts That soft thing will be my—
CUT TO UNDEAD PIRATES ARRIVING ON SHORE. THEY HEAR THE BELL TOLLING AND HEAD FOR THE MILL.
Now back to the intense fighting. D Will and Norrington are atop the mill as Jack pursues them.
Will: RAH!
Norrington: RAAAH!! prances back and forth with Will so eloquently
Jack: grabs the key from Will's hand RAHBUAHA!!!
Norrington: Wait wait wait, hold it!
Will stops.
Norrington: We all know that I wasn't really intending to kill you Turner, so why we keep fighting? I'll never know. Instead, if you would kindly step aside, I would like to beat Sparrow's ARSE.
Will: Huh? Then what was the point of this extravagant fight if no one was actually gonna chop someone's limb off or whatever?!
Norrington: Shhhh... It's called Hollywood plot points!
Jack: Well if I were you, Norrie, I would be freaking grateful. If any of us were to be killed, it'd be you. flips fingers, elongates index finger towards him Seriously, you're not even on the poster!
Norrington: sarcasm And seriously Jack, you don't even have a weapon!
Jack: Wait wait wait, I was just kidding! They ain't evah gonna kill you in a Disney film! (Although so far it's been pretty inappropriate) But anyhow, you should really be killing William right now... because, uh, he's the one that uh, is gonna screw your bonnie lass and who freed a notorious pirate from your watch! AND THEREFORE MADE YOU KINKY BOY! You're as lowly as a two dollar hooker. proud chuckle Wow, and that was all true too!
Norrington: SHAT APP FOO! attacks/ Jack falls off mill and lands safely on grass Yeaaaah, I guess you're right though. attacks Will
Will: Damn you're gullible!
Jack walks off smugly, puts key around his neck, and falls into an empty grave. Will and Norrington jump onto a giant wheel. The weight of their jump breaks the wheel off it's attachment and it begins to roll in Jack's direction. All while they CONTINUE to fight. Tards.
Will: Norrington, as much as I love sword fighting atop a giant rolling wheel, (which gently reminds me of my circus days in Istanbul), neither of us have the key. Can we stop the madness and decide not to die today?
Audience: Wow, this is the first time Will has been sensible! amazed
Jerry Bruckheimer: Nein! Big Fight! Big Money!!! Whoo hoo Wha ha!!
Norrington: Nein! I hate youuu! continues swinging
Jack tries to prop himself out of the grave. The wheel rolls over him and luckily doesn't squash him into Sparrow smush.
Jack: AAHHH!! I'm either really drunk, or I'm actually spinning around upside down in some freak wheel accident. Dear god, I have got to be getting paid bank for this shite. falls inside the wheel and begins running/ the key has fallen off and snagged onto the interior of the wheel Hee hee!
Hamster: This is even less fun than the ball of bones!
Will and Norrington continue to fight aggressively. Either that or they just keep making huffy attack noises.
Will: HUH! sling shackle!!
Norrington: AAHH! SWASH SWASH BUCKLE BUCKLE!
Bar collides with Jack's head and he falls out of the wheel to the ground.
Oh dear, there is just far too much excitement.
END PART FOUR
