Jack's POV - Chapter 4

I'd be lying if I said it didn't bring back very strong feelings to see Janet again. Just seeing her alone was enough to remind of why I had fallen for her in the first place. As I lie here on the bed in the George's guest room, I can't stop my mind from remembering. Remembering the way she used to wake me up every morning with a kiss, how much fun we used to have going fishing at my cabin, the way a small vein pulses in her neck when she's annoyed. Those small details that I had taken for granted when we had been together that I now realize I want back in my life desperately.

When we both became silent, I asked Janet to show me to the guest room so I could get some rest. I mean, I did spend the entire night on the road driving. I really just needed some time to think, to take all of this in.

I need to remember that there is absolutely no way she would ever take me back, under any circumstances. Not after the way I treated her. I was such a complete ass to her and honestly I'm surprised she's even talking to me. But how could I really have explained that I left because I loved her too much? It's even confusing to me. I cared too much and it scared me.

I know how positively stupid that sounds. It sounds even worse when I say it aloud. Trust me.

After everything that had happened with Sara and with the death of Charlie, I pretty much resolved myself never to care about anything as much as I cared about the two of them again. Charlie's death just about killed me. The guilt and the hurt that I felt was so immense that I would never wish that pain even on my worst enemies. Then to top it all off by having Sara just pack up and leave was my finisher. I don't know how many hours I spent in my cabin, drinking myself into oblivion. More than I would like to admit. Everything that had happened was just the perfect validation of what a fucked up father and husband I had been, a constant reminder of how badly I had really screwed my family up.

I wasn't surprised when I had first fallen for Sam. She was tall, blonde, blue eyed, everything I thought I had found irresistibly attractive at the time. But because I was her Commanding Officer, I knew that nothing would ever come of my crush on her. I knew she reciprocated most of the feelings I had for her which made it even harder to get over her. The situation just wasn't in our favor. Never was I expecting to fall in love with the CMO at the SGC, Dr. Janet Fraiser.

She was quite small, dark haired and dark eyed, things I thought I would never find extremely attractive in a woman. Sam and Sara had been such polar opposites from the petite little doctor. I did find myself drawn to her personality, though, but I assured myself it was only on a friendly level. She was sarcastic, kind, and would never refuse to help anyone in need. I don't know why but I never even opened my mind up to the fact that she was exactly the person I needed in my life.

We spent many years as close friends, we hit it off right off the bat. One of my earliest memories of her had been when SG-1 had invited her out to the bar one night to get to know her a little better when she first started working at the SGC. At the time, all my focus had been on Sam, but when I revisit the memory in my head years later, I only see her. I remember that I had asked them if anyone wanted to play pool (this was after more than a few drinks, of course) and they had all declined except for her. With a devilish glint in her eye, she bet me twenty dollars that she could beat me. And beat me, she did. She made me look like a damned amateur. I can still see that smug look she had on her face, almost nine years ago, as she took that twenty dollar bill from my hand. That's the moment I knew she wasn't a force to be reckoned with.

Recalling that memory makes me smile as I bring my hands up under my head. I know sleep is not going to come but I am enjoying myself remembering such special memories.

Another memory fresh in my mind is the time when I came back from my lengthy stay on Endora. The hustle and bustle of having me back on Earth was a huge deal and everyone, especially Sam, were always attached to me at the hip when all I really wanted to do was be alone and recover. It's not that I didn't appreciate everything SG-1 and the rest of the SGC did for me, it was just a really painful experience. Janet was the only one who didn't demand my attention or tried to make it seem like me getting left behind didn't actually happen.

I remember after around a week of being home, I ended up staying on the base late, later than the rest of the people that worked here, besides night shift. I just didn't feel like going home to an empty house, a house that felt less like home than the base did. With nothing to really do, I found myself making my way to the surface and heading to a spot that I was sure I only knew about.

I found this spot my first year working here. It's a small, secluded little area at the top of the mountain. Even though there were steps leading to the damned platform, I'm pretty sure no one really knew about it since you had to walk around the side of the mountain to find it. I had spent many time stargazing and just thinking up there and at this moment I really needed to clear my head.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got to the top, sixty something steps later, and found Janet sitting there. In my spot, I remember thinking. She looked at me and it was clear that I had startled her.

After letting out a little gasp, she put her hand over her heart and smiled, "Jack, you scared me!" I remember also appreciating that she didn't call me Sir on a daily basis like the rest of the base did.

I smiled. "I didn't mean to disturb you, I'll just go back down-" I say, turning to leave her to her thoughts.

"Oh, don't be silly," she says and grasps the wrist of my jacket, pulling me towards her. I have no choice but to take the little space open next to her. She let go of my arm and put her hands back in her lap, her legs crossed indian style.

After a few moments of companionable silence, I inform her that I didn't know anyone else on base knew about this spot. She smiles and says that she thinks we are the only ones that do. She asks me to point out a few constellations to her. I know she knows them, as well, but I do it anyway and I don't know why. She scoots closer to me and I attribute that to how chilly the air is tonight and it didn't help that she was in her work skirt. I see her shivering and I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her towards me, using the other hand to point to the sky. This goes on for probably a half hour and afterwards we fall into a comfortable silence again. My arm was still around her shoulders.

"Thanks, Janet," I say while keeping my gaze on the night sky, "I needed this." I didn't have to elaborate on what I meant. She got it.

"I know," she whispered, "And I'll always be here."

Now remembering this memory, it stung. I roll over on my side on the bed. Oh, how things have changed.

She was never not there for you, my mind reminds me, you were the one that wasn't there for her.

I will myself to think of something more positive, something that won't hurt so much, but I can't stop myself from thinking about the first time I realized I was in love with her.

It was literally a very ordinary day. I was in my post mission physical, of all things. I sat on the edge of the bed as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and pushed my chin so my mouth would close. Her skilled fingers and watchful eyes roamed my body, checking for injury or anything out of the ordinary. I remember watching her face as she worked, getting very caught up in the way her eyes were shining and her lips moved when she was talking.

Shit, she was talking. She takes the thermometer out of my mouth at looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer to whatever question she had asked me. "Uh, what?" I ask and I find my head swimming from the smell of her perfume. Or the smell of the sterile Infirmary. But I'm pretty sure it was her perfume.

She rolled her eyes jokingly and repeated her question. "Does anything hurt?" I spy a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. I answer no and she nods, satisfied. She reaches for my wrist, obviously intending to take my pulse, and when her hand grasped my wrist, it just hit me. Hard. I'm in love with my doctor. I'm in love with Janet.

She furrows her brow. "You pulse is quickening, are you sure you're feeling okay?" She asks innocently and I pull my arm out of her grasp. I could feel myself getting flustered at this revelation and her touching me wasn't helping.

"Fine, just fine, Doc," I say and clear my throat. She nods with an amused look on her face. I can't meet her eye and I know that if I had the ability to blush, I'd be blushing right now.

I remember the revelation being just so out of the blue for me then. When I think back on it now, it is so easy to see it coming. I really must of been just down right thick headed to not see the development of my feelings for her.

I also remember that when I told her about this memory around a year after we had been dating, she had just smiled and shook her head. She probably thought I was joking.

I find myself smiling as I actually slip off into a heavy sleep. I know it's inevitable that I am going to dream about her so I don't even try to resist it.