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Story: [The Servants Nobody Wants]

Fandom: (Fate/Stay Night), (Azumanga Daioh), (The World God Only Knows), (Ranma½), (Disgaea), (Mahou Sensei Negima), (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), (Rune Soldier)

Summary: A few familiar faces gets Summoned. And all of them fit their Classes on a technicality. A generally annoying technicality.

Genre: Humor, Crack

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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XXX Shirou and Yukari(Rider) XXX

Shirou stared at the woman in front of him, then he slowly began to turn his eyes towards the other woman in front of him.

There was a moment of silence before one of the women spoke up.

"An English teacher, huh?"

The temperature seemed to drop several degrees as the two women continued to stare at each other.

"Shirou! What's the meaning of this! Are you trying to replace your nee-san with some imitation-hussy?!" Taiga demanded, turning to the boy whose house she was currently in with violence in her eyes.

"Master! You would use me as a replacement for this rude creature?!" The woman of legends demanded, her eyes lit with indignant fury.

Shirou made a noise of deepest and darkest despair at the women in his life. Now they were not only intruding on his kitchen-time, or mooching off of his food. They were multiplying.

The horror!

XXX Rin and Keima(Assassin) XXX

Rin held back the sudden urge to strangle the boy that had arrived with the girl that was now serving her tea.

He was ignoring her. Completely and utterly. Not even paying the smallest lick of attention. Too preoccupied by that blasted game of his!

What the hell was an eroge anyway?

"Kami-niisama, you shouldn't ignore our Master." The girl pouted, sounding a bit sad.

"I have no interest in 3D women! Go bother someone else!" He yelled back, not looking up from his hand-held gaming console.

Rin was forced to once again suppress the urge to start hurting him and then never stop.

It would be wrong, it would be a waste of her resources, it would leave her without a Servant for the War, it would be so fantastically satisfying!

Snarling at the boy, Rin made to stand up and begin the beating with some wanton strangulation.

"But Kami-niisama, she's wearing red! Like a firetruck! And she's got those twin-tails you're always talking about, and the exposed skin over her socks!" The girl argued, gesturing towards Rin. "And who knows if she has a runaway spirit in her?" She continued conspiratorially.

"Is your sensor picking anything up?" He asked, still not looking up from his game.

"Uhh... no." The girl admitted, sounding disappointed.

"Then clearly she is of no interest." He casually dismissed his Master's importance.

Rin twitched.

She raised her finger at the uppity Servant that she'd Summoned, fully intending to teach him a lesson in manners, when the girl spoke up again.

"But Kami-niisama, the Grail gave you a contract that we accepted, right? And that means that you have to fulfill your part, doesn't it?" She tilted her head cutely.

The boy stiffened, his eyes slowly rising to stare at the girl.

"It's hot-wired into the collar, isn't it?" He asked, a suddenly resigned air to him.

The girl nodded, looking guilty.

The boy hung his head, depression suddenly looming over him like a miasma. "Stupid 3D life! Someone reduce me by one dimension! I don't want to live in such a worthless reality!"

Rin stared at her Servant, slowly coming to grips with that whatever it was that she'd Summoned, it would most certainly be of no use to her, before joining the boy in his despair, slumping back into her chair and wondering how wonderful the world would be if she'd only Summoned a proper hero, no matter how sarcastically annoying. Anyone else would surely be much better than this person.

Elucia de Lute Ima – or Elsie, for short – stared at the two despairing individuals, and wondered if they were really going to be alright.

XXX Sakura and Ranma(Berserker) XXX

Sakura stared in awe at the black-haired boy who'd done something so impossible.

She'd always wanted to be Saved, but she'd always known that running would be pointless, that fighting would be useless. She had been given to the Matou family. She had been sold to Zouken and his worms.

She knew that she couldn't keep the worms from killing her should Zouken ever decide that she'd exhausted her usefulness. Which was why what the Servant in front of her had done so determinedly at first opportunity had in turn awed her so.

Proclaiming something about 'anything goes martial arts emergency surgery' and then removing the crest worm lodged in her heart without anything but a brief sense of discomfort from her side...

She couldn't believe it. She couldn't imagine that this could've possibly happened.

"You should be more careful, these things are clearly not healthy, you know?" The boy told her. "I'm not saying I couldn't just fix you up again, but it'd be such a waste." He continued with a confident smirk.

Hesitantly stammering out a truly heartfelt 'thank you', Sakura collapsed into her saviors arms.

Her savior was too busy being suddenly terrified at her proximity to notice that she was crying tears of relief into his chest.

To be fair, if your Luck stat was E-rated, and you had a bunch of fiancees who were perfectly willing to beat you into a pulp for accidentally meeting a new girl – regardless of actual intimacy – you'd be terrified in this situation too.

XXX Zouken and Flonne(Archer) XXX

Zouken cursed under his breath as he remembered the Servant who'd so easily avoided all of his attempts at forcing him into a position of usefulness to the old man, going so far as to mumble something insulting about old perverted vampires all being the same.

He'd been sure that he would be able to somehow pressure Sakura into the War as a representative of the Matou family, but it didn't look like he'd be able to control her at all from this moment on.

It couldn't be helped, he was not letting this opportunity of another Grail emerging so soon after the last one slip through his fingers. He would have to Summon a Servant of his own.

Which was why he'd performed the Summoning ritual.

And ended up with this.

A child.

A blonde girl with childishly angelic wings on her back.

This was the Servant the Holy Grail believed was suited for him? The one most compatible with him?

"Hello, my name is Flonne, I'm an Archer of Love." She beamed a cheerful smile at him, looking utterly innocent and pure, despite the corrupting backdrop of the worm-pit.

Zouken nearly gagged.

Why? What had he done to deserve such a disgusting Servant?

XXX Illya and Ku Fei(Lancer) XXX

Illya sighed as they finally arrived in Fuyuki City.

She'd been looking forward to the opportunity of using her Servant to spread terror in her wake, to show to her deceased father the mistake he'd made in choosing some boy instead of her.

Then she'd gotten distracted by her Lancer, who'd been insisting that she ought to know how to throw a punch, and that Illya's magic wasn't that big a deal anyway.

To have someone utterly dismiss the Einzbern family's creation of homunculus, with words such as 'Fate was stronger, even if he did keep drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee'... why, it'd been enough to make several of the elders perfectly willing to kill her for her impudence.

This despite the fact that she was a Heroic Spirit, and they honestly didn't stand even the slightest chance of winning against her.

Lancer didn't seem to mind though, taking their spluttering indignation as a sign that they were boring old men, and then proceeding to completely ignore them in favor of meditating and 'sparring' with Illya.

She felt like a giant walking bruise.

Which was why she'd given a sigh of relief upon reaching Fuyuki City, the site of the Heaven's Feel ritual. Because surely, the idiotic Chinese woman couldn't try to force her to train to exhaustion in the middle of a battlefield?

Right?

"Ohh! That's a big castle, aru!" Lancer exclaimed, grinning wildly. "I bet there're tons of places to train in there!"

Right?

Illya suppressed the sudden urge to shiver, but she couldn't quite quell the small whimper escaping her lips.

Sometimes, she really, really hated her life.

XXX Bazette and Xander(Saber) XXX

He was handsome, in a rugged and scarred kind of way, Bazette thought to herself as she watched the Servant with one eye.

She wasn't sure about his legend, and he wasn't the most forthcoming about it, even if he was hardly the silent type. In fact, he was probably one of the most chattiest people she'd ever met.

It was enough that she was torn between laughing at his silly jokes, and raging at having Summoned such a strange personality into the Holy Grail War.

Shaking the feeling away, they continued their approach to the church where her former senpai was waiting for their arrival.

"So, what does this priest-guy do for a living?" Saber asked curiously, his one remaining eye somehow managing to exude cheerfulness, despite the rather morbid sight of his eye-patch.

"He's a priest." Bazette pointed out. "It's a modest salary, but certainly enough to live on. However, since he's quite experienced at working as an Executor for the church, they call him in to help with some of their work even now."

"An Executor is one of those guys who fight against the enemies of mankind, right?" Saber asked, a slight tone of interest in his voice.

"Yes." Bazette nodded.

Her Servant made a thoughtful sound, staring up at the church crouched on top of the hill.

"And he was a Master in the previous war, right?" He continued his questions.

"Yes." She answered him simply.

"Okay, spidey-sense tingling, this place feels just like home, beware." Saber warned her, his formerly cheerful mood evaporating as if it was never there to show a mask of determination.

"'Just like home'? Shouldn't that be a good thing?" Bazette glanced over at her Servant, a little unsettled by the sudden shift in attitude.

"I lived on a Hellmouth. If something feels like home, best thing to do is burn it all to ashes and salt the ground." Saber quipped, face not changing.

Bazette hadn't heard of a Hellmouth before, but it certainly didn't sound like a pleasant place to be. And if this church reminded him of that place... it would be sensible to approach it warily.

XXX Luvia and Louie(Caster) XXX

Luvia did her best to ignore her Servant's attempts to start a conversation, mostly because she didn't want to listen to him.

It might sound rude, but there was a perfectly logical explanation for that.

She'd Summoned a Caster, a Servant that could create miracles in comparison to the magi of today.

And his main attribute was his insane strength stat.

In fact, from what she'd managed to gather from her Servant's explanation, he wasn't much of a Caster at all, having become famous for being a 'crappy mage', rather than 'strong hero'.

He was still a strong hero, and had become famous as such, but his legend had contained the undisputed fact that he was a crappy mage. So the Grail had decided that since his legend was so very insistent on calling him a mage, he ought to be Summoned as a Caster, regardless of his actual aptitude for the Class.

It was nearly enough to make her cry.

The fact that he was ungodly annoying on top of his inability with magecraft was just adding to her current frustration.

Why couldn't she have Summoned a Heroic Spirit that actually wasn't a complete moron? What had she done to deserve this?

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A/n: Yes, a few of the Masters are more than happy with their Servants, but most of them interact with their Servants in a way that is mostly based entirely on despair and frustration. They'd probably get better, later on, since most of the Servants are really good people, but some of them are going to be driven up the wall before they ever reach that point.

XXX (Moments and Encounters) XXX

XXX (Ranma and Flonne) XXX

Ranma stared at the young girl with wings coming out of her back, and came to a definite conclusion.

She was the Enemy.

It wasn't anything like cruelty, or unkindness. No, the girl was practically exuding peace and serenity in a way that would've made Kasumi take her hat off. No, the reason for his hostility was simply something about her motivation.

He remembered all of his fiancees, and the attitudes of possession that they'd aimed at him during his legend. That wasn't it. No, what he felt from this Servant was something completely different.

Love. He felt Love from this Servant. A mindless, undiscriminating, and absolute kind of Love.

For a man who'd spent so much time desperately trying to avoid the tangled mess that had been his love-life as a human, this girl who wanted there to be Love everywhere, was the single most dangerous of all the Servants.

Because, as her kindhearted smile told him from where she stood, she was a matchmaker.

Ranma shuddered in horror.

He'd been free. Free to fight, free to laugh and eat... but if this-... if this girl had her way, then that would be taken from him. His wonderful existence would be shattered, and his legend would find some way of repeating itself even after his death.

Therefore, this girl was the single most dangerous Servant in the War.

Bar none.

XXX (Flonne and Xander) XXX

Flonne stared at the one-eyed man, and felt her heart suddenly leap to her throat, racing in a way that made her face distinctly red.

He was just so... perfect.

Not the scarred look, or the easy-going smile, or the strange, brightly colored battle-clothes that he was wearing. All of that was part of it, yes. But it wasn't the reason.

He was just perfect.

Everything she'd ever dreamed of, everything she could ever imagine. She needed to talk to this man, to learn of him, to nervously stutter and be helplessly charmed by this man.

Said Servant stared at her flushed face for a long moment, before scratching his head, looking a little unsettled.

"So... I guess it's not entirely being a 'demon magnet', huh?" He mused. "Hey, Master, could you check my stats? I think there should be something about 'charm' or 'magnet' in there."

Bazette frowned, not liking the way that they weren't fighting this enemy already, but did as requested.

"'Supernatural Charm'." She read. "It says something about attracting non-humans, the further removed from humanity, the stronger the attraction."

Saber grimaced. "Lovely." He glanced down at the girl's complete lacking of a chest. "Why couldn't she at least have been older?" He muttered to himself, despairing a little.

He was a man, after all.

XXX (Luvia and Keima) XXX

Rin stared at her Servant for a long moment, before finally opening her mouth.

"What."

"I said, that I've captured the heart of the Master of Caster." Assassin stated with a vague frown. "She was my target after all."

Rin continued to stare at her Servant for another moment, trying to process this.

"It's a War." She finally said with deceptive calm. "Why are you seducing people?"

"Kami-niisama is the greatest at capturing the hearts of young maidens." Elsie answered happily in his stead.

"So... your legend is based around seducing women?" She asked, her eye twitching a little.

The Servant finally looked up from his game, staring at her with a blank face. "Yes. I am the Capturing God, after all."

Rin aimed a Gandr at him on instinct, mostly because there was just something unholy and absolutely terrifying at the thought of having summoned some kind of Servant-capable Casanova.

That didn't mean that she didn't take a lot of satisfaction in seeing him flee for his life from her violent, instinct-induced cursing however.

Why couldn't she have Summoned a Servant that made more sense?

XXX (Ranma and a Cat) XXX

Sakura gaped as the innocent-looking girl tripped and fell, accidentally launching the cat that she'd been carrying right at her Servant's face.

"Gaaaagh!" Berserker screamed, flailing wildly as he panicked, the cat holding onto his face for dear life.

Then he went silent.

"Meeeeow?" Berserker slowly turned to face her, his eyes having suddenly turned to slits and a mischievous sparkle appearing where none had been before.

Checking his stats, Sakura found the answer to his sudden shift in attitude.

Mad Enhancement, Nekoken. Activated by the presence of cats and his own inability to escape, Berserker was finally showcasing his claim to the Class that he'd been Summoned into.

Of course, considering that it changed his alignment to "Chaotic Cat", Sakura wasn't entirely certain of just what that actually meant for their surroundings.

She received her answer when the Servant cheerfully sauntered over to her and began to rub itself against her legs, purring all the while.

By now hopelessly embarrassed at the actions of her brave and handsome savior, Sakura sent a silent prayer that her senpai was to never know about this.

Then she scratched Ranma the Cat behind his ears.

XXX Louie and Xander XXX

Luvia continued running away from Saber's Master, knowing better than to attempt to fight an Enforcer one-on-one. Not that she could do much in her attempts to lose the serious woman.

Then she suddenly paused in her pursuit, making Luvia blink stupidly as she tried to figure out what had caught the woman's attention.

"I hate magic." Saber stated in a deceptively calm voice.

"Uhh..." Caster stared at his opponent, trying to figure out how his spell had caused that effect.

Sure, he wasn't a good mage, but his spells only exploded on him on rare occasions, like dinner parties, or holidays, or... pretty much any day when he'd woken up. Still, usually they misfired in ways that made it painful for himself.

Which was why he was confused.

Luvia stared at Saber, the supposedly strongest of the Servant Classes, and did her best not to laugh.

Honestly, she tried really really hard.

Bazette twitched, suppressing the urge to punch the younger woman's face in for laughing so hard at her Servant that her legs had actually given out on her. It wasn't that she didn't want to capitalize on the other Master's sudden weakness, but rather that she was too busy worrying over her own Servant.

Xander took a deep and hopefully calming breath as he heard the girl laugh at him.

He'd been mocked for most of his life, he'd learned to roll with the punches and smile, but outright humiliation in front of a cute girl? Oh, that was a bit too harsh to ignore, even for him.

"Right. This makes it personal." He admitted to the other Servant, before he pulled out his ax. "Give Me An Ax And Show Me Where To Point It!" He declared his Noble Phantasm, and rushed forward, murder in his eyes.

Make him wear a chicken suit, will they? Well, there were limits to how far Xander was willing to allow himself to be pushed. And this was definitely beyond that line.

Bazette finally caught a glimpse of her Servants stats. Namely, her Servant's Magical Resistance. The thing which was marked as being ranked as 'incomprehensible gibberish' rather than an actual level.

Her Saber, the most Magically Resistant Servant in the War, had a resistance to magic that was apparently... 'unpredictable'.

She felt a little bit cheated.

XXX Yukari and Illya XXX

Rider glared down at the small uppity girl in front of her.

Shirou was apparently having a running conversation with the girl's Servant – running, in that Shirou was most definitely not standing still and letting the Chinese girl hit him. So there was nobody to interfere with her own fight against the little brat.

"Notebook of Corporal Punishment!" She declared boldly, before whacking the girl over the head with a rolled up notebook that had suddenly appeared in her hand.

Illya made a pained and confused sound, wobbling backwards and forwards for a moment as she tried to reorient herself from the blow.

Yukari threw her head back and laughed diabolically. "Let that be a lesson to you girly! Adults are better than kids!"

Illya, now recovered, glared up at her through narrowed eyes. "All you get from being an adult are saggy boobs!" She argued.

Yukari made a noise of outrage and swung her notebook again. "My boobs aren't saggy!"

Shirou dodged another blow from the Servant who was most likely only toying with him. "Are you sure you shouldn't be helping your Master?" He tried to aim her towards the Second Taiga that he couldn't get rid off by himself.

"Nah! She'll be fine!" Lancer grinned broadly. "I don't think your Servant actually has any way of following up on that stun-attack of hers!"

Shirou silently cursed that the weakness of Rider's fearsome Noble Phantasm had been discovered so easily. "She might get brain-damage though." He tried to argue.

Lancer laughed happily. "She could use a bit more idiocy!" She declared with cheerful conviction.

Shirou groaned, having run out of arguments. "Can't we all just get along?" He asked.

"No mercy!" Rider roared furiously as she brought down her rolled up notebook on Illya's head once more.

Shirou took that as a 'no'.

XXX Xander and Yukari XXX

"She's worse than Buffy." Saber breathed in a kind of horrified awe as he stared at the woman behind the wheels.

"Hahaha!" Another woman's voice came from the passenger seat of the car, where she was for some inexplicable reason waving around a wooden sword through the open window.

There was also the continuous scream of terror emerging from the backseat, sounding vaguely male, despite the high pitch that the voice had adapted.

The car in itself was already beginning to break down from the abuse its driver was putting it through, but if Xander understood the Phantasm correctly, it would remain running at full power for quite a while yet.

"The Yukari Mobile is a fearsome thing indeed." Bazette commented. "But from what I can gather, it's more dangerous to the person inside of the Phantasm than it is to the ones outside of it."

"That would certainly explain the screams of terror." Xander nodded thoughtfully.

Bazette sighed. She might not have received the 'best possible' Servant, but at least she hadn't Summoned that. She pitied the poor boy trapped inside of the devil-machine.

XXX Rin and Shirou XXX

Rin stared at her classmate, feeling a bit out of her depth as she saw that his hair had apparently turned entirely white overnight.

Asking him if he was alright, didn't really fit with her chosen role as the school idol, but she didn't dislike the guy, and he looked like he'd witnessed something absolutely awful, so she asked anyway.

His answer?

"Fuji-nee made a friend." He shuddered, as if traumatized by the very idea. "They went driving." He shivered. "I've sworn off all non-organic manners of transportation."

Rin felt her jaw slowly begin to drop, but couldn't actually manage the effort of closing it again.

Because apparently the eccentric English teacher had turned the boy's hair white overnight because she'd gone driving with a friend.

Rin just didn't know how to deal with that kind of thing.

XXX Zouken and Flonne XXX

Archer gasped as she saw her Master be cut down by the opposing Servant.

Quickly launching an arrow to force the Servant into retreat, she appeared next to the neatly bisected old man that had been so kind to her and hadn't even tried to kill her more than once or twice. Possibly three times, but that last one was probably an accident.

Taking a deep breath, she concentrated on her magic and activated one of her Noble Phantasms. "Come Forth, the Healing Power of Love!"

A blinding light enveloped herself along with the crippled form of her Master, hiding them from sight as the ancient magus was healed back to health.

And promptly started screaming as if someone had lit his flesh on fire.

Archer blinked curiously at the screaming old man, feeling a little bit lost on what was happening, before realizing that her kindhearted Master must've not received enough Love in her healing, and promptly set about fixing that oversight.

The light grew even brighter, and the near-vampire's screaming somehow managed to intensify.

Determined not to let her Master suffer such agony, Archer increased the amount of Love that she was pouring into her healing of him. Only for his screaming to once more intensify.

This continued for a while, with the amount of Love Archer providing the healing spell increasing exponentially as a result, until finally the spell ended.

Zouken was left gasping in horror and disgust and agony and utter revulsion, hurriedly emptying his stomach on the road in an attempt to keep it from rebelling on him too harshly.

What kind of disgusting Servant had he Summoned?

XXX Xander and Zouken XXX

Saber stared at the disgusting maggot-man that had been healed back to full health by his own Servant, instead of her allowing him to reform on his own – something that Xander was fairly sure that he'd be capable of doing.

It was clear that her Master hadn't consented to being healed by her, and was now suffering from some kind of backlash from whatever spell that she'd used to render the wound, that Saber's trusty old ax had provided him with, null.

"Master. Can you see what kind of Noble Phantasm she used?" He asked, pure business for the moment.

Bazette nodded before focusing on the blonde Servant. "Something about 'Love'. In fact... she has some kind of Mental Pollution called 'Love Freak'. And the Phantasm she used seems to be 'the Power of Love', which includes healing, but-..." Bazette frowned as she read on, feeling a bit out of her depth. "It can cause... 'nausea' in people who don't approve of the concept of 'Love'."

Xander stared at the revolting old man that seemed to be consist in part of halfway rotting flesh, and made a face at the thought. "I'm guessing that her Master does more than 'disapprove' of it."

Zouken was too busy trying to empty his entire being of the disgusting, lingering feeling of care and wonder and horrible awful things, to bother with agreeing, even if he'd been able to hear them over his own retching.

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