Chapter Four
Us
Spencer leaned up against the counter, her arms folded over her chest. She knew that this wasn't the time fore this, but she also knew that she needed so hear the things Ashley could only tell her. The sharp edge of the counter was digging into her bare back, but the blond did not care. Instead, she didn't look away from the brunette's dark cocoa eyes.
Ashley was the first one to speak. Her pink lips moving to form words, "Why'd you leave?"
To anyone, that should be the simple answer. The answer that could be simply answered by a, "Oh, I felt I needed to" or "Oh, because I am a stupid little girl who's world fell away". Instead, this question was the most complicated and hardest for Spencer to answer. What she wanted to say…she didn't know if she could form into words. Spencer found it sort of funny how deep this relationship had formed it self. The high school relationship between the shy catholic girl and the bad rocker chick had become more than it ever could have been in anyone's eyes. Weren't high school relationships supposed to be just learning experiences? Spencer knew that it had been more to still have these feelings left in the part of her body her heart used to vacate.
Spencer felt her face drop to the thoughts forming in her mind. She said the first things coming to her mind, trying to make since of it all. "I left because I was afraid."
Ashley laughed, "Common, if you're going to make up shit, you can do better than that."
Spencer's faced turned hurt. She was trying to explain her feelings and all Ashley can do was deny her of that.
"Fuck Ashley, I am trying to tell you." Spencer yelled at the brown haired girl.
Ashley ran a hand through her chestnut locks, "Sorry, continue."
Spencer glared at Ashley, the sadness and confusion springing from her eyes. "I was fucking scared that you choose him. Fuck, Ashley, I fucking loved you! I don't think that you fucking realized that either. I felt like you where disappearing from me. I felt like it was…no you did always run to Aiden. You never came to me, not once. Ashley, when you hesitated, when you took so fucking long to answer…that fucking scared me. I was terrified I would loose the best person in my life."
The silence filled the room before Spencer continued, "Ashley, you had no idea what it felt like to be with you. Every fucking night I would lay in bed thinking how lucky I was, or if it was a dream. I thought maybe I was actually sitting away in some asylum dreaming all this fucking up. Ashley, I wanted you. I needed you. I fucking loved you and you fucking hesitated. The whole 30 seconds, I felt I would have a heart attack. I fucking thought I was just a fucking toy you can play with. I felt like that Ashley.
"So, yes, I fucking ran. I got the fuck out of there after you left me on that fucking ground. I assumed that you choose Aiden. I was probably wrong, but I had my reasons to have such a heavy suspension of it. So, I'm sorry if I caused you (air quotes) 'pain', but you are equally responsible."
There were tears streaming down Spencer's face now, and some snot trailing down from her nose to her mouth. She was too exhausted to wipe them away. Her glossy covered eyes never left Ashley's. She had stray tears falling down her cheeks. Her eyes read sadness, disappointment, and hurt. Her hands were tapping against her sides.
The scene was all ironic. The sun shined in through all the windows and open door, giving the room with millions of beams of light. The sound of the children playing with the adults, giggling and laughing, was pushing its way into their ears. The beautiful smell of orchids and roses filled the room.
Ashley wiped at the stray tears, standing strong as Spencer was crashing down. She spoke softly, "I did hesitate, and I do love Aiden. But his love and our love were different. I was going to choose you Spencer. I get the part where you didn't like that I hesitated, and that it shouldn't have been a hard choice. But I was scared also. I was scared that I was some kind of experiment of your's, Spencer. I thought that you where just using me and then you would go back to breeder-ville. But Spencer, you shouldn't have run away."
Spencer slowly wiped at her tears, a loud hiccup escaping her lips in the process. "Maybe I shouldn't, but I did."
Ashley furrowed her eyebrows. She had no idea what to say next. She was surprised at all the 'fucks' coming from Spencer's innocent mouth also. She knew this problem couldn't be fixed with very few words and then everything was okay. That wouldn't make life what it was…complicated. This whole situation was complicated. Even if Ashley wanted to through her hands up and run back to Spencer, she knew she couldn't. She had a loving husband, even though their relationship was more like brother and sister than husband and wife. She had two beautiful children, who she couldn't tear from their father. Spencer had a beautiful daughter. There was just too much, and it made her sick to even think that she could run back to Spencer so easily.
They both were hurt.
Simple as that.
And neither of them knew how to fix it.
The silence became heavy. To Spencer, silence it the loudest thing she has every heard.
They stood there for several minutes before a small boy came bouncing through the door. His long raven black hair was wild and stringy. He ran up to Ashley and she automatically picked up the wet little boy. He smiled brightly at the young mother.
Spencer hurried and wiped her tears and face with the back of her hand before flashing a smile at the small child.
"Thank you again Ms. Spencer for the dinner. It was very yummy!" The little boy said rubbing his stomach for emphasis.
Ashley kissed her son on the cheek before pulling back to look at him. With a easy smile she said, "Are you having fun out there, Ashden?"
The little boy nodded eagerly, wet drips of water flying. "Yeah, Daddy is throwing me in the pool. It is i so /i fun! And Pop is playing with the girls!"
The eagerness of the child surprises Spencer. He is so vibrant and happy; he is so hyper and active. This is a change from the loving and cuddling attitude of her mellow daughter. Ashden was very loud and rambunctious.
Ashley nodded her head at the boy and smiled. The affections that she gave the child made Spencer watch very attentively. She was easily examining the interaction between the mother and child. This made her chest raise and fall. It was unusual. Something that Spencer would never expect to happen. Ashley was a mother in all since and she was great at it. Of course the girl still gave off 'Bad Ass Rocker Chick' vibes, but it was more like 'Bad Ass Rocker Mother' now.
Ashley continued talking to her son, "Well, how about you go back out there and continue playing with daddy?"
The little boy fiercely shook his head at his mother, "Nope, Daddy and Teigue want mommy out there too!"
Ashley chuckled, "And what does Ashden want?"
The little boy blushed, "Ashden wants mommy out there too!"
Ashley's smile disappeared as she turned to Spencer. In a serious tone that she didn't use to her son, "Spencer, I am going out there with my family. I hope that you can come out there with us and enjoy our evening. We obviously need to work out some things and right now is not the time."
Spencer nodded her head, still giving the small boy a smile. She gestured with her right arm toward the door. Watching the brunette walk out, she quietly followed. The electric pull between both girls was consciously recognized by them. Ashley wished that this pull was evident when she had search high and low for the blond. She would have used it like an umbilical cord and found her way back to Spencer, her source for life. Instead, it wasn't that evident and they where left in this mess. This wonderful mess.
Spencer took a seat next to Tamar, a beautiful Indian girl Glen had met at Sky Sport. She had long, straight, black hair and dark olive colored skin. She had deep green colored eyes and soft pale lips. She had a warming smile on her face as Spencer set down.
"Hello," Tamar said to the blond as Spencer got comfortable on the lawn chair.
Spencer turned her head to look at Tamar; a warm smile appeared on her lips. "Hey."
That was all the spoken words between them, but they both had a silent agreement to become friends.
Spencer turned her attention to the filled pool. She watched the loud giggling coming from her daughter's small mouth as Arthur dunked half her body in and out of the water, sometimes letting it goes over her head. She watched Ashley jump into the pool with Ashden in her arms. They quickly went under the water and quickly came back up. Softly tossing the boy to Aiden, the small squeal from the boy made Spencer chuckle. Ashley quickly got her daughter from Paula and swam with the small girl. The movie-isque scene in front of her was too ironic.
Monday mornings was always a bitch for Spencer. This morning was an exception; she had her first day of work at the center. The best thing about working there was that they accepted that she wanted to have her daughter with her. Also, if she needed a little time, she could send Maddelena down to the inside day care.
She drove in her car, the speakers softly humming along with She Wants Revenge. She looked through her rear-view mirror at her giggling daughter who entertained herself with the itty bitty spider. She turned her attention back to the road. The song driving into her head as it got louder in the speakers.
iLate
last night I was looking through pictures
Flooded with memories I
lie on the floor
And spread them around me like friends at a
party
There faces remind me of all that I've known/i
The thought of Spencer looking through the large plastic tub of pictures and memorabilia of things that was once she and Ashley's the night she was unpacking came into Spencer's head like a bad movie made in the fifties with smoke around the edges. She had been sprawled out on the living room floor, Maddelena already in Spencer's bed asleep. She had small little pictures spread in front of her while she held tightly to the small injured teddy bear.
iStill
I can't forget all the hushed who and why's.
All the fiction and
lies and the tears and the laughs
Take a walk through the past you
and I hand in hand
As we look at this thing called us/i
Spencer drove on the highway at a quick speed, passing slower cars with a 'whoosh'. She glanced down at the clock on her dash board to check the time. It was only eight fifty and her first appointment wasn't until nine thirty. She had wished it was her going to an appointment for her instead of one for someone else. Realistically, she wishes that she and Ashley would speak again. She wanted to work things out. But Spencer thought too realistic to know that that would never happen. She can imagine her and Ashley sitting in close proximity, looking at the pictures. Their hands would slightly touch each other for mere seconds as they passed the pictures to one and another.
iLate
last night I was pacing the hallway
Reading the letters you'd
signed x and o
I turned out the lights and imagined you with me
I
tried my hardest to cry but it just wouldn't come/i
As Spencer had put herself to bed that night, all she could wish for was one more night with Ashley's arms around her. She forgot how the brunette girl had felt. She had went to bed instead with small notes and letter the girl hard written her between class periods or long nights they where away from each other. The soft vanilla smell that had once been on them was now gone. She wanted to bad to cry herself to sleep that night, let all those emotions come out, but she couldn't.
iStill
I can't forget all the hushed who and why's
All the fiction and
lies all the tears and the laughs
Take a walk through the past
You
and I hand in hand
As we look at this thing called us/i
Spencer arrived at the center at nine ten. She took a parking place in the employee parking and turned off the ignition. The music went off, but not leaving her ears. Spencer continued singing the lyrics as she got out of the car and opened the back door. She got her American Eagle laptop bag and grabbed Maddelena's Gucci diaper bag. She stuffed the black baby sling into the diaper bag and grabbed the child from her car seat. She easily and quickly made her way into the building to her office. The lovely woman, whom she presumed was her secretary, sat in a modern glass desk in front of her office.
The woman smiled at Spencer, "Hello Ms. Carlin, I am Apple Huntington, you secretary. This must be Maddelena. She is a beautiful child."
Spencer smiled at the platinum blond. She was nice and Spencer loved her Russian accent. She spoke, "Its nice to meet you Ms. Huntington…"
"Oh, please, Apple."
"Apple. Umm…will you tell me when my nine thirty gets here?"
Apple smiled at her, "Oh, she got here a couple minutes ago. I hope you don't mind me sending her in."
Spencer smiled nicely at Apple, "Oh, that's no problem. Thank you."
Spencer walked past the woman's desk into her office, closing the door behind her. She smiled at the back of the woman's back and dropping her stuff. The woman quickly turned around and met Spencer's eyes.
"Oh my god, Spencer?"
iAll
the hushed who and why's
All the fiction and lies all the tears
and the laughs
Take a walk through the past, you and I hand in
hand
As we look at this thing called trust/i
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Okay, I finished this right at 10:30. Ha ha! Lol! So, SURPRISE. Never say I don't love you guys. Three updates in one day! So who do you guys think it is? Ashley, Kyla, Madison, or maybe Spencer's ex Emme? OMG who could it be? Lol, how did you like this chapter? Give me some love!
