AN: The almost-twin to this story is already posted on my profile as a one-shot. If you've read that one, you won't find this one substantially different. That one was written from an early draft that I had saved online before my computer crashed. This one comes from the more advanced draft that was on my recently resurrected computer. While they're the same in essence, there were enough small differences that I ended up liking this one quite a bit better. Since the countdown to the finale is now in its final week, it seemed like a good time to add it to this little collection.
This is set speculatively at the end of Deep Trouble Part 2. The story is based on the premise that Sam and Callen are safe, Hetty is in Washington DC, Talia has returned to the DEA, and Kensi and Deeks have not yet discussed anything further about their relationship or the events of Three Hearts through Deep Trouble Part 1.
Usually, when a case is closed and the day is over, Kensi's world settles back into a sense of relative stability. Once the ripples of chaos disperse, she goes back to her routine of normal life—or as normal as life gets for Kensi Blye.
Nothing has been normal for a while now.
Since her deployment to Afghanistan, her whole world has been shifting unsteadily on its axis. Her deployment, Jack's reappearance, her captivity, her return, the unsettle nature of her relationship with Deeks, Sam and Callen's perilous day—they're all swirling around her and conspiring to knock her out of balance. Now, in the space of one day, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her already unstable feet.
Kensi has always done her best to keep herself from counting on things. Life has taught her that people cannot be trusted, that all conditions, including happiness, are temporary.
Despite her best efforts, there are two things she has come to count on.
One: Hetty knows all and can manipulate all.
Two: Deeks is always going to be there, to be hers. He's always going to be willing to wait.
In the space of one very rough day, all of that is suddenly shaken.
Even before Sam and Callen disappeared under the deep blue sea, Hetty's brusque rebuff, her subsequent mysterious departure, and Granger's ominous words already had her agitated. She hates the way that she's thrown off her game more easily these days. Since Afghanistan things seem to hit her harder. Still, for the most part she's been able to hide her instability and throw herself back into her job.
And then a beautiful brunette DEA agent showed up, smiling proprietarily at her partner.
At the end of the day, she is left shaken. None of the things that she was certain of seem so certain anymore, and she's desperate to get her feet back on solid ground, to know what is real and dependable in her shifting world.
She's not used to being uncertain. She's built her life around being strong, being unshakeable, until suddenly she's not anymore.
Death and danger are standard in their lives, but it still shakes her to see Callen and Sam, her invincible mentors, come so close to not coming home. It's been long enough since either of them have had a really close call that she had found herself lulled into a false sense of security on their behalf.
By the end of the day, many things have settled back into their places. Sam and Callen are safe and sound, cherishing the fresh air. Key members of the cartel are behind bars. Talia has gone back to whatever hole she crawled out of, for now at least.
But Hetty's still gone, and there's still a strange feeling of uncertainty when she looks at Deeks.
It's only the fact that he had awkwardly backpedaled every time Talia said anything a little too suggestive that gives her the courage to show up at his door that night, seeking answers.
When he opens the door, he's in sweats and Monty's face peeks through from behind his left knee. He looks comfortable and rumpled and huggable, and just when on earth did Kensi Blye start thinking of people as huggable? Suddenly, all she wants is to be curled in the circle of those arms on the couch. She's pretty sure they'd help stead the shifting of the ground beneath her—except at the moment he's still the source of some of the quaking.
When she stares at him blankly for a minute, he runs a nervous hand through his hair and reaches out.
"Kens? Do you want to come in?"
She doesn't know where to start, so the words that tumble out of her mouth are plucked from the middle of her thoughts and, to him, they seem to come out of nowhere.
"She doesn't get you. She can have anything else she wants, as long as she doesn't get you."
For a moment he is genuinely confused. There is an ocean of vulnerability in her eyes, and it's disconcerting for him to see his badass partner so off-balance.
"Who doesn't get me? Talia?"
"Of course, Talia. Was there someone else today that was one step away from wrapping herself around you and using you for a stripper pole?"
He chuckles quietly and raises one eyebrow at that mental image, and then tilts his head and smiles softly down at her. He likes this jealous, possessive side of her, but he doesn't like seeing her so unsettled, so he speaks carefully.
"Do you know what she said to me while you were in the bathroom?"
She scoffs, and he sees a bit of his Kensi in amidst the uncertainty again.
"Do I want to know?"
"She told me I was 'clearly madly in love with my partner.' Call me crazy, but I don't think any woman really wants a man who she can see is clearly madly in love with someone else."
His blue eyes have gone soft as he tilts his head and leans in to look in her eyes, waiting for her reaction.
She takes a moment to absorb this, to process the fact that this woman who had thrown her so out of kilter had herself noted the one thing that could keep Kensi in balance.
The world begins to settle.
"So I get you?"
Can it really be that simple?
"Do you want me? Cuz we haven't really talked about any of this Kens. We started to and then you were shipped off to Afghanistan and we couldn't really talk, and then there was Jack back again and the capture and I was trying not to push. And then there was Angelo and I couldn't put you in more danger because of me. I haven't been sure where we stood for months, Kens. I didn't' event know what I wanted for a while; I have no idea what you want anymore."
She sees fear in his eyes and suddenly understands where it comes from. They are different by nature. The same situations cause them to react in opposite ways. Once the realization strikes her, she feels stupid for not having seen it sooner. They are opposite in so many ways, how had she missed this one?
When something strikes a little too close to something she loves, she draws it closer, her instinct is to fight for it and protect it and bind it even more solidly to herself. It's when things are threatened that she finds herself most willing to invest in them.
His nature is different; whether it's a legacy of his father or just his deeply self-deprecating nature, he does the opposite. He assumes that he is the reason for the danger, and he separates himself from what he loves in order to protect it.
It happened with Angelo, with Sidarov, with countless other situations.
The moments that make her pull closer are the same ones that make him push away. She's done with that. She's done with allowing enough space between them for the pull and push to cause a divide. She's holding on. He can push all he wants, but she'll be holding him to close for him to get any leverage.
"Yes. I want you. Do I get you?"
It starts out strong and confident, but the end turns soft and hesitant and she almost doesn't recognize the voice as her own.
The heavy breath that comes from his lungs is followed by a gentle hand coming up to cup her cheek and force her eyes to meet his.
"You've always had me."
A smile splits her face and she suddenly feels almost shy.
"And you've always had me; it just took a while for me to admit it."
And then she's secured in the circle of those arms, and the earth begins to settle back into place.
Maybe Hetty will be back, maybe she won't. Afghanistan and Jack will need to be dealt with. Things will continue to shift and shudder for a while as they settle back into place, but she can already feel the foundation under her feet again. His chest is solid and warm under her cheek and his arms are steady and firm around her, and that's enough to set her world back on its axis.
AN2: I often struggle with writing Kensi's POV, but when I watched Deep Trouble for the second time, she struck me as being very clearly unsettled by all the things that were going on, and not just with Deeks. I think it's safe to say that she's still dealing with the Afghanistan arc more than we've see on the show, and that's contributing to her vulnerability in general. I'd love to hear your perspective on how you saw her in that episode as well as what you thought of her in this story.
