Chapter 4 Confessions.
There are two things that Kurt has to do before he meets Blaine: the first is to find a plausible excuse for that black bruise, the second is to understand how to start talking about it without the tragic and indelicate "baby, it's been two months that I've been fucking with Sebastian, hope it doesn't bother you.
The second point is going to be by far the most difficult thing.
The drive to his high school is faster than he has expected. He's already more than ten minutes late, but luckily his friends won't surely ask questions because they're accustomed to worse delays.
He almost runs to the choir room.
As soon as he sees Blaine, he plants a quick kiss on his lips with a naturalness that he had lost. As soon as they part, however, Blaine immediately notices the mysterious bruise on his cheekbone.
"Kurt ... what's that?"
"Baby, don't worry: I was walking on the sidewalk near the house and a girl hit me accidentally while greeting and speaking on the phone. It's going to go away with a little ice."
Blaine looks at him with an unconvinced expression on his face, or maybe worse, with the face of a boy who has resigned to be lied to.
"We can begin!" Blaine shouts, turning his face to Kurt and calling everyone to order.
"Guys, I want to talk to you about something, but first I'd like to make an introduction: I have a great time with you," Blaine begins, "you are wonderful friends and I'm glad I could spend wonderful hours with you doing what I love ... but I have to leave. "
The choir room is suddenly filled by the comments that arouse at his words and the first to seek a direct interaction with Blaine is Santana of course.
"Why are you going? And where are you going?"
"I'm going back to Dalton." Other comments rise, especially among the boys. "I'm going back because I miss my friends, just like you missed Kurt when he moved."
Kurt leans his hand slightly to Blaine's, who shakes it back. Now they expect the worst, but it never comes. Everyone seems to have understood Blaine's reason and they have accepted it. Rachel gets up from her seat, without saying a word, and she hugs Blaine, who holds her tightly maybe because, of all people, she's the one he has bounded the most with and the one he'll miss the most. Suddenly, however, Finn raises his voice, turning to Kurt.
"And you won't say anything?"
"What should I say? I understand and support him ... that's what a boyfriend is supposed to do."
"Okay, just do as you please." Finn says, walking angrily out of the room and leaving everyone speechless. Kurt decides that, when they're going to be back at home, he's going to torment his brother until he gives him a good explanation for that attitude. As for the rest, everything has gone according to plans: hugs, kisses and greetings accompany the last meeting of glee with Blaine, and Rachel, who obviously never misses an opportunity to show off, also decides to offer a gift to Blaine with an original song - that it's not better than My Headband - to wish him good luck.
When the goodbyes are done, the boys of glee decide that the next day they're going to spit into groups to find a new member for glee.
It's time to talk to Blaine.
Kurt has decided to take him to the park, on a lonely bench, so that if his boyfriend feels like screaming against him – which is surely going to happen - at least he could do that without people staring at them.
They sit in silence, unbearable tension between them. Kurt couldn't find the right words, so he decides to be the more sincere possible.
"Blaine, I need to tell you something. I haven't been honest with you during the last few months …"
Blaine stares at him and then nods, like he wants to tell him to go on. He is wearing the most serious face Kurt has ever seen on him.
"I just put up excuses not to see you, I lied about my schedules, I lied about my feelings. I cheated on you Blaine … with Sebastian."
The bomb is out and now Kurt is patiently waiting for his boyfriend – if he can still call him that – to explode.
"I know." Blaine just says though, his voice sounding so shattered and sad that Kurt can almost feel his own heart breaking into a million pieces.
"Why didn't you …"
"Say anything?" Kurt nods.
"Because I love you, asshole, and I hoped sooner or later you were going to have the guts to tell me and stop going behind my back."
Kurt is shocked: for all this time, Blaine has pretended he believed his lies when he understood exactly what was going on.
"How …" Kurt asks again, stuttering, but he doesn't manage to finish the sentence.
"How did I find out?" Blaine asks and Kurt nods again.
"Let's say you guys haven't been very attentive with your eyes when you met and I was there. Then I decided to follow you when I thought something was up. You stopped in front of Sebastian's place."
"Oh …" It's all Kurt manages to say, his eyes wide awake at the realization.
"Yeah." Blaine just replies.
They stay quit for a few minutes, the fresh wind blowing directly on their skins.
Blaine breaks the silence eventually.
"Did he do that to you?" He asks Kurt, pointing at the swollen sign on his cheek.
"Yeah … I've gone to him this morning to tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore and when I did … he hit me."
Kurt sees Blaine tightening his hands around his own knees; no matter what happened between them, Blaine couldn't stop worrying about him. Kurt feels guilty and before he can think, he's already leaning his hand on Blaine's. He pulls it away immediately though, thinking that Blaine probably doesn't want to be touched by him anymore.
Yet, once again, Blaine surprises him: with his other hand he covers Kurt's before he can pull it away completely. They stay like this, staring at their own hands without even speaking. Neither of them knows what to do.
The more time went by, the more Blaine had convinced himself that he hated Kurt. He had made up a lecture to yell in his face the day Kurt was going to confess, to tell him what a subtle liar he had been; to tell him that he didn't deserve his love. But still, he can do nothing like that, because he loves Kurt, he still loves him no matter what.
"Blaine, there's something else you need to know though … during these months, I … I fell for Sebastian, and I think I might be in love with him still, even now."
Kurt feels Blaine's hand tighten spontaneously around his own. It hurts, he knows that, but he also knows that he wants to be completely honest with him now to give him the chance to decide if he still wants him or not. He needs to know that in his heart there's still a place for Sebastian, and he has no idea how long it would take before it fades.
"I thought so. You never were the kind of guy who just sleeps around."
"I thought you would yell at me, or try to kill me … I would deserve that."
Blaine smiles weakly, his head down.
"When I found out, I would have done that in the beginning. I stayed at home for days." He explains, unable to look up. He knows Kurt is going to understand anyway.
Kurt spreads his eyes.
"The flu …"
"The flu." Blaine confirms, nodding, "The first night I called Cooper. He listened to me and then made me calm. Then I started feeling bad, blaming it on myself, how distant I was from you, the way I'm terribly egocentric, the times I wasn't there for you. Everything just passed through my mind all of a sudden, and I almost understood why you did that; then I realized that if I really loved you, the only way I could make a choice was waiting for you. If I could do that, if I could stand through this until you told me, then I would have been completely sure about my own feeling for you at least."
Blaine fought for him.
The though just makes Kurt feel sicker. He slowly starts crying but he realizes it only when he sees tears falling on his hand, the one free from Blaine's hold.
He has no idea what to say.
"I want you back, Kurt. We will have to build back anything you've destroyed. It's going to take time, I am going to need time. But if we want to start again, I need to know that your heart belongs only to me."
"I understand that. Blaine … I want what we had back as much as you do, but not now. I would lie to you if I told you I don't feel anything for Sebastian, and I don't want to lie anymore. I've decided that I want to be honest with you and I want to do that for real because you deserve it. You're best person I've ever met and I can't really understand why you want to stay with me even though what happened."
"You're the worst, I know. I hated you, a lot. I'm here, ready to start again but that's only because it's you … and I can see it in your eyes, Kurt. You're not that person you were a month ago, I can see it. That's why I want you to prove me that you're still the amazing awesome man I feel in love with."
Kurt doesn't know what to say anymore. He just looks at Blaine in the eyes, as he's always done, even if this time there's a shade of shame and the acknowledge that he is going to have to fight. And he's going to do that.
If Blaine wants him to prove that he is still himself and they can be KurtAndBlaine again, then he's going to do that.
Suddenly, though, he acknowledges something else too.
"You're going back to Dalton." It's not a question. With Blaine moving there, they won't catch up a lot. Also, Sebastian is at Dalton.
Blaine nods, but he doesn't answer: he perfectly knows what's going through Kurt's mind.
The moments of silence that follow make Blaine realize that the conversation is over. They are going to take their time and they won't push on things to make it all happen faster.
Kurt stands up from the bench absently and without even turning to Blaine, he says: "I know you're probably going to need some time, but I wanted to ask you … can we keep in touch sometimes?"
"Kurt, you're right, I need some time. Maybe moving at Dalton was a right choice at the right timing. I won't kill you though if you text me, but I'd rather have my space. I'll be the one to call you."
Kurt understands that it's time to go after that.
He wasn't expecting Blaine to react like this, but maybe since he has known it for long, he had already gone through a lot to calm down and focus on what really matters, what he truly feels. And then, even though things had gone better than Kurt had expected, he couldn't help but feel sad. Blaine is right though: he must take all the time he needs, he deserves it. He has already been too kind with Kurt.
Facing these simple truths, Kurt remembers the real reasons why he feel for Blaine: he is the type of boy who focuses on the details, he sometimes gets lost on silly things, but when it comes to what matters, he always knows what to do, how to do it and what to say. He is ingenuous, sometimes smug and egocentric, but he's still the best person Kurt has ever met, the best friend he has hoped to have and the best man one could want to love.
His stream of thoughts is interrupted from a throb of his phone.
"Kurt, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hit you. Come to my place if you want to. Sebastian."
Before he can think, Kurt just deletes the text.
