Silence fell over the kitchen. Abby's mind was blank with what to say and how to say it and what would cause the least amount of damage. She hadn't thought of Octavia and her tendency to talk first and think later.
"You made a stupid decision and a whole bunch of people died," Octavia told him.
Abby watched the blood drain from his face and shot Octavia a glare, "go out with the others, you are all done here."
Octavia blanched at Abby's disappointed tone and exited as fast as she could. Abby took the bowl from his hands and led him to one of the chairs around her table. Most of the table was covered in sealed packets of mineral powder but she cleared a spot and started a pot of water for tea.
"Who am I Abby?" He asked in a voice so soft, he sounded like a little boy.
The words tore her heart in two. His question was quiet and despairing with no hint of hopefulness as if he wanted the answer desperately but he knew that he would hate what he learned. No one knew how to hate themselves better then Marcus Kane. She went about preparing the tea, pouring out two cups of the brew, bringing it over to the table, setting is cup in front of him, and taking the seat across from him, all done with purposeful movements to stave off any emotional upheaval. She knew it was coming but later was better. Giving him time to take a few sips of his tea, Abby told him his story as told through her eyes and it was as close as she could come to telling it truthfully yet with compassion. At the news of his attempt to float her, his hands stilled and he stared at the cup without moving, even the culling was met with his eyes focused on the tea in front of him. It wasn't until she told of his rescue of her and Jaha and then of his willingness to die for his people to make amends that he stirred and she wanted to cry at the faint glimmer of hope dancing behind his eyes.
"You are a good man Marcus and I believe that even if you don't or can't remember," Abby said to finish. Her eyes held his while she watched him process her proclamation. After what seemed like hours, he lifted the cup to his mouth and drank down the cooled tea.
"I don't suppose you guys have anything stronger then tea around here?" he asked her, giving her a small smile, "this sort of information seems like it would go good with not being sober."
Abby laughed, placing her hand on his before speaking, "I will see what I can russle up for us. Major Byrne may have something or she will know where I can get it."
When she left, Marcus placed his head on the table and counted to ten before moving to the larger living space. He was shocked to see that the kids had cleaned everything up, the mess had been substantial, and he could finally sit in peace and think over what Abby had told him. There weren't any chairs out here, just mats on the floor so he dragged a large one over against the wall and sank down. The story sounded like someone else's, like he couldn't possibly have done those things because here he was among these people and they weren't trying to hurt or kill him and so it wasn't possible that he was the same person as in Abby's story. He didn't know how to justify the person Abby had told him about with the way she treated him now.
I have to trust that she is telling the truth, Marcus told himself, she said she wouldn't lie to me and I have to trust that. I am not a prisoner here, I am not in a cage, I am not being beaten and I owe that all to her. But- but I tried to have her killed?
His thoughts swirled around his mind, a tornado of guilt and shame as tears dripped into his hands and he cried for memories he couldn't grasp and for people whose faces were lost to him.
Abby came back carrying a large bottle of clear liquid and two small cups. Finding the boys who made the liquor was hard but convincing them that they wouldn't be in trouble if they gave her some was another story. She had to ask Clarke to get the alcohol from them and then deliver it to her.
"I don't know how they have managed to hide an entire still from me for so long but at least it helps us tonight," she told the man currently occupying her living space. Looking at where he sat shaking, she realized she had left him thinking for too long and raced to his side. Putting the bottle on the ground next to them, she grabbed his hands once more and tried not to snap when he pulled away from her touch. Lashing out while in pain was a familiar story to a doctor and she wouldn't add to his misery right now.
Perhaps it wasn't wise to tell him everything, Abby thought as she held onto his hands to make him listen to her.
"Marcus, you don't remember these events. You don't remember what you were feeling, thinking, doing, or anything from the events I told you. I gave you the facts but I can't give you the whole story. I'm sorry I told you now when you just went through something traumatic but..until you remember who you are, you can't understand your own actions. Don't think that you are bad. You are a good man, I promise. Please, don't give up now."
He was still shaking but as she talked, he began calming himself down, taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly.
"Don't die, whatever you do, don't die, don't die, don't die."
Abby gasped at the litany echoing in the room, her last words to him before he left on his mission of peace.
"Marcus, do you remember?" Abby asked, placing her hand gently on his arm and rubbing the fabric of his shirt against his skin.
He shook his head, and tilted his head to look at where her hand was still soothing him, "I have flashes, but no, I don't remember."
She sat down next to him at that moment, her legs brushing up against his while she poured them both a heavy measure of the appropriated moonshine. Giving him the cup, Abby leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes.
"I told you that, right before you left on that damn peace mission," Abby said wearily, "I didn't want to run this place by myself and I knew you were so good at following orders. I thought it was funny at the time but when your escort came back without you, all I could focus on were those words and hoping you obeyed me."
Marcus took a sip from his cup and didn't say anything so Abby let the silence sit and drank from her own cup. Sitting in the quiet, Abby recognized the signs of exhaustion creeping over her. She was so tired of being tired and she couldn't even sleep in peace because even though Marcus was back, he wasn't Marcus. He was sitting next to her and she missed him. If he was Marcus, she could get some rest, knowing that someone had a handle on the camp. If he was Marcus, she could relax and share the weight of keeping their people alive.
"I have hated those words for so long."
Looking over, Marcus gave her a tight lipped smile with fury in his eyes and continued, "I wanted to die Abby."
Standing up, he ran his fingers through his hair and clenched his fist tight, "I wanted to sink into darkness and never wake up because then it would be over. I didn't want to be in pain anymore! I was ready to give up and rest but those damn words, 'don't die' would echo in my head and I knew I had to keep fighting."
He sank back down onto the mat beside her and stared at the wall while his body trembled with unspent anger.
Looking into her near empty glass, Abby spoke quietly, "do you want me to say I am sorry?"
A hollow laugh was his only response so she pressed on, "I am sorry you went through all this Marcus, I wish to whatever god might still exist that I could make it all better but I can't, and I won't apologize for keeping you alive. I won't say I'm sorry you didn't die."
His laugh came back, textured with pain held in the back of his throat, but his breathing quieted and he didn't move away from her so she called it a win.
"I don't remember who I was before they started torturing me," Marcus said, "I don't remember a life before waking up in that pit and seeing someone standing over me with a knife. Before that, nothing. I feel as if my life has been endless pain and darkness. Days, weeks, months, I don't know how long they had me but then, they hauled me out and told me to run. They said if I ran fast enough and I could get away from their hunting party, then I could be free. I ran and then I was free and found by your people and then you say I caused pain and suffering. Maybe who I was…maybe I deserved all this. Maybe I should have let them catch me."
Abby grabbed his arm and made him face her, her words coming out fierce and strong, "Marcus Kane, you listen to me very carefully. You are not going to go down that road alright? Self-pity is not in your treatment and I won't listen to it."
He shrugged his shoulders and downed the rest of his cup before holding it out for more of the alcohol, "I suppose in the long run, it makes no difference whether I deserved it or not. It happened and its all I can remember."
"I am trying to help with that you know," Abby said with a nudge to his leg. Her mind was in chaos from the things Marcus had told her about his time with the grounder tribe. She wasn't sure if she could take him recounting all of what took place there without a copious amount of alcohol afterward.
Cuddling would probably work too, she thought before shaking her head at the errant idea.
"I am still trying to decide if I want to remember," Marcus said with a slight cock of his head and a small grin at the ceiling, "I have had flashes of sitting like this with you, I just don't remember where or why."
After pouring more moonshine into his cup, she topped her own off and took a large gulp before speaking, "we were coming to earth from the space station, the Ark, and you decided that you had to ride in the same section as me. We sat there, waiting for the ships to disconnect when Sinclair told us that it would have to be done manually, and someone would have to stay behind. I was too stunned to move when you unbuckled from your seat and stood up. You were going to stay behind and save us all," her voice was trembling as she finished, "if Thelonius hadn't beaten you to it, you would still be up there, dying of oxygen deprivation right now."
Sinking down further into the cushion, she tried to ignore the tears dripping down her moment had been the first inclination from her mind that this man meant more to her then as a fellow human being. Drying her eyes, she worked on controlling her tears, cursing herself for giving into the emotional turmoil within when Marcus needed her strength more then anything. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so often and in front of other people. Marcus stared at section of the wall opposite them, giving her time to get control of herself and adding the new information of himself into his memory banks.
Sniffing a bit to clear her nose, Abby dropped her head against the wall and closed her eyes against the lights. Nothing was going as planned this evening and she wanted to sleep until she could get her emotions under control again. Marcus not having his memory was a tragedy but she needed to deal with it without crying all the time. The camp was depending on her.
Without thinking of propriety, Abby leaned her head against Marcus' shoulder and spoke again, "I guess I need to work on that whole emotional distance thing."
"Everyone needs a break right?" he asked quietly and sat still as he could, saying nothing about her using him as pillow.
Clarke pulled Bellamy into the room, trying to be as quiet as possible since she was sure her mom was sleeping.
"Okay, the burn ointment is over there and use as little as possible for his hand. It doesn't take much anyway."
"That boy is a disaster waiting to happen," Bellamy whispered as he grabbed the tube from the drawer and turned to see Clarke staring at the living space. Looking over her shoulder, he saw Abby and Marcus leaning against each other, sleeping with a bottle of moonshine beside them. He touched Clarke on her arm and pulled her out of her shock state.
"Just turn the light off and we will go take care of Jasper," Bellamy told her, "your mom deserves a little sleep after everything she has been dealing with."
Clarke hit the switch and silently followed Bellamy back to their camp. It was a shock to see her mom curled up with the man who was the terror of the Ark. Even if he didn't have his memories, her mom did and she felt anger building up the farther they walked. By the time she reached Camp 100, she was livid at her mother again.
"How could she trust him Bellamy?"
He stopped and looked down to see her seething with anger and sighed, "Clarke, you trust me don't you?"
"Of course but you-"
"I shot Chancellor Jaha to get on the drop ship. I tried to hang Murphy. I destroyed the radio that could have saved three hundred and twenty lives and yet you trust me to help you run this place and keep order. Why?"
Clarke looked up into his face, seeing the self-hatred she had thought gone in his eyes and grabbed his hand, "I trust you because I have been here beside you and I know you regret those decisions."
He smiled, "so maybe your mother has been beside Kane and has seen something that you know nothing about. Remember how she hated me when I first arrived? I thought she was going to kick me out of the camp and you had to tell her that if I left, you would leave too, in order for me to stay. I hold no love for that man, but I am just going to trust that as a Griffin woman, she knows what she is doing."
Clarke sighed and hugged him close, "stop being to reasonable, it makes me feel like I'm crazy."
"You are a little bit," he joked, "it why I like you."
She pushed at him, laughing, and went to put the ointment on Jasper's burned hand. Watching her give the guy a dressing down for trying to move a burning log with his bare hands, Bellamy felt his heart grow more in love with her. He hoped he was right because if Marcus got his memories back and was the same guy as he was on the Ark, he wouldn't hesitate to take him out before Clarke got hurt again.
A sudden shift in position woke her up and she sat up quickly once she realized that she was laying in Marcus' lap. His eyes were open and staring at her but she couldn't read the expression on his face before it disappeared into a mask of indifference. Standing up, he walked out of the room and out of her dwelling without saying a word. She watched him as he walked away; not giving in to the desire to call him back to talk about what he had been thinking when she woke up, and rose to get ready for the day. She changed her clothes and finished closing the small mineral packets before stepping outside and into her duties as doctor and chancellor. Seeing Marcus talking to Byrne close to the wall, she almost joined them but the thought of talking in front of Byrne made her hold back on her desires and Abby walked to the mess hall by herself. Wick bumped her arm as she passed with her food tray and drew her into a conversation about a water purification system for the camp. She made sure to eat while he talked animately and breakfast passed quickly.
Marcus watched as the camp prepared for the day, eating some of the jerky he had grabbed from the mess hall and trying to decide where he could be of use. He decided that he could use some help figuring out everyone's tasks but he didn't want to disturb Abby again after their awkward morning so he searched out Byrne and asked about work.
"I want to build my strength back up," Marcus said to explain why he was looking for work when the stern woman gave him an assessing look.
Byrne held his gaze, as if trying to read his intent, before pointing to the wall, "We need more logs to repair a section of the wall so if you are up for it, I can set you up with chopping wood."
"You would trust me with an ax?" He asked, mentally berating himself for the question even as it slipped from his lips.
Byrne smiled and waved one of the loggers over, a large imposing man wearing strips of leather around his hips and legs and introduced them.
"Marcus, this is Carter. He is in charge of building the wall and he won't hesitate to crush your skull if you hurt anyone with that ax. Carter, this is Marcus and he really wants to chop wood."
Carter smiled widely, "we would be grateful for the help. This camp needs all the protection it can get."
Looking from Byrne to Carter, Marcus felt like he was missing something but couldn't put it into words. Giving Carter a nod, he followed the big man over to where the rest of the team was bringing in trees for stripping and shaping. He was handed an ax and instructed to cleave all the branches from the trees being brought in and chop them in half. Grateful that he wouldn't have to leave the camp and wander the woods, Marcus set to work. It didn't take long for him to realize why Carter worked shirtless and he stripped off the offending garment that was sticking to his skin. Losing himself in the methodical swing, Marcus forgot about Abby and waking up to her laying in his lap and to all the emotions that resonated in him from her gentle sleeping face. He forgot about the people around him and how he wasn't sure he could trust their intentions. Intent on his work, he didn't notice people watching him with disbelief.
Abby exited the mess hall and was halfway to the medical tent when she registered that productivity wasn't as high as it normally was this early in the morning. Seeing Byrne standing by the gate, she walked to where the tall woman was directing one of her guards.
"What's going on Byrne?"
The major glanced at the people milling about and laughed, "Marcus decided he needed to be useful and I don't think they know how to handle seeing their former chancellor chopping wood."
"What?" Abby asked in shock. Turning towards the logging area, Abby saw Marcus standing on the side of large tree, working his way through the middle of it. Her heart leaped at the sight of him working shirtless with every scar on his back visible to everyone and the doctor in her was outraged by his lack of regard for his still healing wounds. Marching over to the tree, she stood out of the way of his swinging ax and shouted his name.
"Marcus! You are going to damage those ribs again!"
He swung and let the ax stick in the wood while he looked down at her furious face.
"I am fine Abby," he said calmly, taking advantage of the sudden break to grab some water, drinking half of the cup and pouring the other half over his head.
She walked closer and pushed a finger into his chest causing him to take a step back in surprise, "I didn't spend all that time putting you together again just for you to ruin it the first chance you get. I have things you can do in medical that won't put stress on your ribs."
She turned to lead him to the tent but was stopped by his hand on her shoulder and his quiet voice.
"No," he said and walked back to pick up his ax.
"No?" She echoed, anger rising again, "Marcus, you don't know what you-"
"Yes, I know exactly what I am doing, and just because you don't agree with it, doesn't mean I am going to stop!" Marcus all but shouted, letting some of his anger bleed into his voice, "I am going back to work and I suggest you do the same."
Her glare followed him back to the tree but he didn't turn around and look at her once so she threw her hands in the air and stalked off to medical, muttering under her breath about the stubborn excess of THAT MAN.
"Everyone has work to do!" She shouted at the crowd around her before retreating to her station. Byrne grinned slightly at Abby's outburst and then made sure everyone returned to their tasks. Camp 100 and Camp Jaha were expecting guests today and they needed everything in order for trading. Giving Marcus a glance, Byrne saw that his attention was split between his work and the activity surrounding medical but he soon shook his head and returned to his rhythmic chopping.
This could be dangerous, Byrne thought before deciding that it was none of her business and went about instructing the guards in their duties for when Indra and her entourage came. They would be responsible for keeping the walls secure while their allies were here.
His mind was torn between running as far as he could, never having to deal with Abby Griffin again, and making his way into medical, never leaving her side.
Who was Abby to me before I was captured? Besides infuriating?
Being so preoccupied with his musings, he didn't notice when Indra and her people arrived at the camp and it wasn't until he heard them speaking that his mind registered the newcomers. Looking up, he saw a group of grounders being led, fully armed, into the middle of the camp and his panicking mind couldn't believe what he was seeing. They were here to kill everyone. He had led them to these people and this camp and now everyone was in danger. No one was trying to fight so he charged into the group with the ax still in his hand and swung at the first grounder he reached. Ducking quickly, Lincoln tore the ax from the attacking man's grasp and tried to kick him down to the ground. Marcus spun out of the way, hands up and ready for the next attack.
"Stop!" Byrne shouted as Lincoln moved to attack and Indra put her hands out to calm him down.
Abby rushed out of medical and observed the scene with horror. Rushing into the knot of people, she put her hands in front of Marcus and tried to calm him down.
"Can you hear me Marcus?" She asked. His eyes were wild and she knew he wasn't registering what she was saying. As he lunged for the bigger man, Carter appeared behind him and placed him in a grapple, wrapping his arms around the smaller man and holding him still. Rushing to medical, Abby filled a syringe with anesthetic and hurried back to where Marcus was still struggling in Carter's arms.
"Hold him still," Abby told the man and then slid the needle into Marcus' arm. His struggling soon ceased but his eyes glared at her until the closed shut and he went limp in Carter's arms.
"Thank you Carter," she told the normally passive man and he repositioned Marcus in his arms.
"Put him back in the cell," Byrne said sadly, "he won't be in a good state when he wakes up and I don't want him going for anyone else."
"It's not his fault," Carter said as he walked off but didn't argue with his orders.
Lincoln joined Indra and Byrne, handing the ax back to the blond woman before taking his place beside his leader.
"Please explain why the leader of your people just attacked us," Indra said, directing the demand to Byrne but Abby spoke first.
"I am sorry Indra, I had no idea he would react so violently. He is recovering from two months of torture at the hands of a different tribe and has no memory of anything before being captured," She explained to the stern leader, "from what I can deduce, when you arrived it threw him into a post traumatic episode."
Indra stiffened in recognition, nodded, and waved for her people to continue into the camp, "We have had run ins with this tribe you speak of. It is run by a man who takes great joy in causing pain and his people have followed in his steps. If you have time, I will send Lincoln to gather a root that creates a calm mind. Perhaps it will help Kane find his once more."
Abby smiled weakly, her heart still pounding from the surprise attack and said, "I would be very grateful for any help you can provide. If he brings some of the kids from Camp 100 with him, they will be happy to help."
Indra gave Lincoln her consent and he pealed off to the short fence dividing Camp 100 and Camp Jaha, eager to be reunited with Octavia. The three women stood for a bit in silence before Byrne set off after Carter and Indra gestured for the rest of her people to begin the trading.
"I have some of those mineral packets for your children," Abby told the other leader, "and we have managed to build a short distance radio so we can communicate even when in our separate camps."
"We have brought medicinal herbs and all the metal we could find for your repairs," Indra said in return and followed the smaller woman into medical to gather up the packets in her sack. Indra's village had been hit by a strange virus and the children were still weak from it. Finding the mineral deposits had been a major boost to Camp Jaha's value and she was grateful that they could help the kids get stronger.
