Author's Note: Confusing is it not?
It was nothingness. How was I thinking though? I felt a shaking sensation throughout my body. Warmth emanating from my fingertips. What was happening? "Raito!" A voice boomed hurting me, but how was I hurting? I shouldn't be feeling anything... I felt even more shakes, and the black crumbled. It was dark, but it wasn't as foreboding as it was in the nothingness. "Raito!" My eyes opened with no effort, and I saw a figure. It was shaking me violently, and I felt very disoriented. I was still being shaken, and I couldn't focus very well. My vision was swimming as was my head. I was put back down on the bed I was curled upon, and a light was flashed into my eyes. I gasped loudly and shut my eyes quickly in response. Thoughts ran through my head. What happened? It was just a dream wasn't it? But it seemed so real… It was very depressing... I had really craved warmth, love... Ryuzaki's...love... The light was dimmed, and I opened my eyes slowly. I adjusted to the dim light, and I could see Ryuzaki barely.
Something wet ran down my face, and my vision blurred once more. Tears... "Raito... why do you cry?"
"It hurts so much. I cry because there is no love." I made no sense right now, but I didn't care. If he figured it out, he figured it out.
"Love? Why do you speak such words? What is wrong with you?" I heard some hint of concern, but I chose to ignore it.
I repeated once more, "There is no love. No warmth. Nothing. It hurts so much." I craved so much from him, but did I deserve to have it? Even with all I had done, can it be fixed and forgiven?
"Where does it hurt?" I felt his fingers wiping my tears that fell, but I didn't stop the tears at all. I curled even further trying to bury myself into the bed, but all I could do was turn away from him. Turn away from the warmth that I craved... the love. It was impossible. Ryuzaki couldn't love a murderer like me. He couldn't be friends with me, even if he proclaimed otherwise. The bed dipped underneath his weight, and I could feel him so close to me. Almost touching but not. Eyes piercingly searching for any pain that could be fixed, but it was all mental. All of it emotional. There wasn't anything he could fix. Not even the world's greatest detective, being the social recluse he was, would be able to fix it.
It was like a chant. "It hurts..." I didn't reveal where it hurt, but I didn't want him to know. I was forcibly flipped over, and Ryuzaki hovered above me. I lay on my back with his breath fanning my face. I knew I looked broken then, tears streaming down my face, clutching my chest with my bound hands, and trying to not face him. His ebony eyes looked me in the eyes. I desperately didn't want to face him. I didn't want him to see the starving creature in front of him.
"I will only repeat this once more. Where does it hurt?" His words were terse, and it stung. I didn't answer. I continued looking away from him. He grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him, I wanted to struggle, but I had no strength for it.
"You can never understand." Tears fell more urgently. My words were thick with so much sorrow that had erupted almost instantly from the place that it was locked. It shouldn't have happened. Emotions were supposed to be deep within never in my reach. I was supposed to be a machine, no emotion to be shown. Yet, here I am with sorrow in my words. Longing making itself known in my eyes. Starved for attention that I clearly didn't have enough of. "I can't explain it. You can never understand." He pet my head as I cried. It was just a little gesture, but it meant so much to me. Could I hope for anything if not nothing? Will anything be possible in the future? Or will I be put on the death row?
"It's ok." His words were void of emotion.
Something snapped inside of me. Was it my heart? "I'm sorry... I'm... Kira..." Ryuzaki stopped his petting, and I wanted to feel his hands upon my head once more. He backed away quickly, and the warmth disappeared also. "Will I die now?" A door slammed in the silence, and I cringed. Of course. What did I expect from him? Understanding? Pity? My life? So bitter... just forty seconds. I laughed. I was dying. Crying and laughing. I must be a madman. "Hahahahahahahahaha!" I flailed my arms and legs wildly. Intense pain from the heart, and everything ceased. It was over. "Ryuzaki, I love you..." My dying words. Ironic.
