A/N - I struggled a lot when I wrote this chapter... in fact, I got 1500 words into it three times and deleted the whole thing and started over :-/ It was difficult to strike the right balance I think... Even Shepard in the game is visibly affected through these events, and TTT Shepard has much more on the line and her very life experiences have softened her and shaped her into a different person... Still, the first few tries, I had her either emotionally crippled or completely numb... I'm finally happy with this version, and I hope you will be, too, and not consider her OOC... I'm posting today so I can leave you on a more positive note for the weekend... I'll be back Monday with another update :-)
Thanks for your feedback, Lyv, Gabe97, Meggo929, eve, and Infiltrat0rN7... I appreciate the encouragement, share your pain, and I'm glad you're willing to give me some leeway as I play around with the events of ME3... there's not the overwhelming desire to 'fix' in TTK as there was with TTT, but some adjustments are necessary XD To everyone else reading, following, favoriting, thank you, too!
As always, I credit Bioware with all things ME and give all my thanks, love, hugs, and favorite Kaidan quotes to my awesome beta, StoneburntHeart
Shepard stared at the closed bay doors in a numb shock that even Kaidan's weight over her shoulder couldn't penetrate for long seconds until Vega's approach and his offer to take Kaidan from her sent her into motion. She shook her head to decline his assistance and ran for the elevator with the intent of getting Kaidan to the med-bay. She knew it was empty – no need for a doctor on board during the Normandy retrofits – but at least it was equipped. She hoped. She barely noted that Liara and James – with his own burden still slung over his shoulder – accompanied her. When the elevator doors swooshed back open and deposited them on Deck 3, she ran for the med-bay even as she raised her voice and called for Joker.
"Joker, get us to the Citadel, now," she cried in a harsh voice that contrasted with the oh-so-gentle way she lowered Kaidan to the first table inside the med-bay door. She saw Liara nod with approval at her orders and realized that her friend was pleased that Shepard was keeping her mind on the mission and thought that her orders were motivated by a desire to get to the council. Only Shepard knew that she had given that destination out of desperate need to get Kaidan help, ASAP. She watched as Liara hooked Kaidan up to the auto-life support machines with a skill that she hadn't realized her friend possessed and breathed a sigh of relief when the equipment began to beep slowly. He was alive – his heart was still beating – and she had audible proof now. She smiled gratefully to Liara and sank to her knees beside Kaidan. As she reached out to touch his bruised face gently, she spoke without taking her eyes from him.
"See what you and EDI can find from that thing," she told Liara, knowing that the asari would understand that she meant the mech that James had slung on a nearby table and stood guard over now. She knew he was there - and it was there - but she didn't look in that direction. She didn't think she could face it, though she logically knew it was just a machine, just a dead piece of plastic and metal. Instead she concentrated only on Kaidan's face and on the comforting mechanical beep of his heartbeat.
"Commander, there is an incoming call on the secondary QEC," EDI's cool tones reported, "I believe it is Admiral Hackett. I'll put him through to the com room."
Shepard's head shot up. She was torn in a moment of indecision until she met James' eyes and he smiled gently, easily reading the cause of her hesitation.
"It's ok, Lola," he said softly, "You and Liara go talk to the Admiral, I'll stay with the Commander."
Shepard nodded gratefully and stood. She motioned Liara out before her and headed to the com room at a run. She had one thing uppermost on her mind: the sooner she got this done, the sooner she could get back to Kaidan.
#-#-#
When she reached the com room, Hackett's voice was garbled and distorted by interference again and Shepard sighed in frustration.
"Can you clean this up, EDI?" she asked impatiently and seconds later the Admiral's holo bathed her in its blue glow. Liara came to stand beside her and they watched as Hackett's scarred face took shape before them.
"Commander, did you get to the Archives?" Hackett asked.
"I was there," Shepard answered, "And so was the Illusive Man."
"I was worried Cerberus might try something," the Admiral replied as he brought his hand to his chin contemplatively. "Did you get the data?"
Shepard turned to Liara who nodded. "We got most of it," Liara confirmed. "He downloaded some before we could stop him."
"What have you learned? Was it worth the effort?" Hackett questioned.
Shepard listened in silence as Liara explained their findings of plans for a Prothean device – a weapon that may end this conflict – and the Admiral requested that they forward the blueprints for his own study. She stepped back in to take over the briefing.
"Kaidan was injured," she informed the Admiral, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice and knowing that she failed when she saw Hackett wince in sympathy. "We're taking him to the Citadel for treatment."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Shepard," the Admiral replied, his usually gruff tone soft. She knew the Admiral was aware of her relationship with Kaidan, as was most of Alliance high command. She expected reproach or criticism for the breach in regulations of having two officers in a personal relationship in the same chain of command, but instead Hackett surprised her when he continued in the same soft tone, "All of us are aware of the sacrifice you and Kaidan are making for us. Our best wishes for his recovery. But you know this is just the beginning, Shepard," he finished with a note of warning.
"Yes, Sir," and although the warning stung, she knew what he was saying. It was her duty to lead this fight – trillions of lives depended on her – and she needed to stay strong and to rise above her pain and grief. She stiffened her shoulders and saluted crisply. "I won't let you down."
"I know that, Commander," the Admiral said, and now his voice was all business. "While you're on the Citadel, talk to the Council, show them what you've found. With luck, they'll give you all the support we need."
"And if they don't?" Shepard countered. The Council wasn't known for being all that helpful, after all.
"Do whatever it takes to get them on board," Hackett answered. She saluted again and he returned it. "I'll be in touch soon. Hackett out," he said as he ended the conference.
Shepard stepped out of the com room and began to head back to the med-bay, but Liara's voice behind her caused her to pause.
"We'll have more information by the time we reach the Citadel – EDI is extracting everything she can from the Cerberus machine," Liara told her. She paused and asked, "The Admiral's right – it's going to get worse soon, isn't it?"
Shepard was having a hard time imaging what worse could be – and her thoughts shied away from the very idea anyway. Still, she turned and faced Liara, knowing that her friend was the first of many that would be looking to her for leadership and support over the course of this war.
"Unless this device you found can stop the Reapers, yeah," she confirmed.
"I've looked at the data. This weapon could be the answer," Liara pleaded eagerly. "If we can build it," she added in a softer tone. She studied Shepard's face and saw the indecision and doubt. "You don't believe it?"
"You weren't there when they attacked Earth, Liara," Shepard said flatly. "It's hard to believe one weapon invented 50,000 years ago could stop them. I gave up believing in fairy tales long ago."
"What are our options?" Liara persisted. "You know we can't win this conventionally." When Shepard didn't respond, she went on, "Isn't it worth trying at least?"
"I'll try anything if it means saving Earth," Shepard replied fiercely, and they both knew she meant 'saving Caleb.' Liara nodded and Shepard added, "I'm going back to Kaidan, make sure you have the information ready to present to the Council."
"I'm sure the Council will see the need to help," Liara replied with naive innocence.
"It'll be a hell of a short war if they don't," Shepard replied bitterly, too exhausted to bolster Liara's idealism. She turned and headed to the med-bay.
#-#-#
Shepard remained in the med-bay, holding Kaidan's hand and watching over him protectively, for most of the journey to the Citadel. She left only once – and briefly – when Liara and James finally convinced her to change out of her armor. When she returned, showered and dressed in Alliance-regulation shipboard BDUs, she breathed a sigh of relief that nothing had changed in her brief absence and took up her vigil again without comment. She was still there when the team of med-techs rushed in with a stretcher and transferred Kaidan to it before they began to bear their cargo to the Normandy's airlock. She followed with quickened steps, trying not to lose sight of Kaidan and to ignore the constant stream of medical jargon the team shot back and forth to each other all the way off the Normandy and nearly to the Citadel's docking bay elevator before one of the techs finally turned to her and gave her a stern but sympathetic look.
"You can't go with us, ma'am," the turian told her, "You'll just be in our way. We're taking him to Huerta Memorial – you can see him once the docs say its ok," he added as the elevator doors closed behind him.
It was only the thought of doing more harm than good to Kaidan that had caused her to pause at his words and she stood motionless staring at the closed doors until a voice behind her calling her name brought her back to reality and she turned to face the source of the sound.
"Captain Bailey?" she asked in pleased recognition at the man who had hailed her.
"Yeah," the man replied gruffly, sticking out his hand for a firm shake. "Though its 'Commander' now," he added with some disgust.
"Congratulations?" she replied with a smile and question in her voice.
"Eh, thanks," Bailey replied sourly, "Now half my job is dealing with political bullshit and escorting dignitaries around. No offense."
"None taken," Shepard replied with a smile. She'd rather deal with his honest irascibility than the polite and condescending smiles of politicians any day. That thought made her add, "You're here to take me to the Council?"
"I'm here to tell you the Council is expecting you, but they're dealing with their own... problems," Bailey reported singsong in a voice that indicated he was reporting the message verbatim – nearly, then he added in his own more usual tone, "With the war and everything." Then he went back to recitation again, "They apologize for the inconvenience and blah, blah, blah. Meet them at Udina's office. They'll be ready soon enough."
Shepard winced at the reminder that Donnel Udina was now the human councilor to the Citadel. In some ways, she still believed that Anderson had stepped down from the position due to her actions in the Bahak system and she had added it to the tally of crimes that she committed that day, no matter how much Anderson protested that the Alliance was his real home and he had resigned out of frustration and exhaustion with the politics to return to his more familiar role of military leadership. She just hoped that Udina would be a different person than she remembered after his two years serving under Anderson.
"You might have time to go by the medical center and check on your, uh, friend," Bailey added with tact and intuition he must have learned since his promotion.
"Thanks, Bailey, I'll do that," Shepard replied with a grateful smile.
"You go on ahead," Liara urged, having observed the conversation silently until now, "I'll head up to Udina's office now."
Bailey nodded at the asari. "One of my men can show you the way," he told Liara. He turned to James and asked, "You?"
"I'm just a tourist today," James replied, all innocence, "I'll try not to get in any trouble."
"And since there's no shuttles around to crash, I believe him," Shepard added with a pointed look at James, who blushed and avoided her eyes.
Shepard watched as Bailey was called away for 'the other half of his job' and then headed to the elevator herself. She was desperate to get back to Kaidan.
#-#-#
Shepard rushed through the doors to Huerta Memorial Hospital and blatantly abused her Spectre status to bypass the solicitous woman at the front desk who tried to stop her progress. Her eyes searched the lobby, looking for access to the patient wing and Kaidan and settled on a familiar figure with surprise. She approached the woman clothed in white and spoke her name to get her attention.
"Dr. Chakwas!" Shepard cried with pleased relief. Here was someone with whom she could trust Kaidan - and someone who would be honest with her.
"Commander Shepard," Dr. Chakwas replied with a smile that reflected her sympathy and some relief as well.
"Are you taking care of Kaidan?" Shepard asked, and her voice trembled a bit over his name.
"Actually, Dr. Michel is in charge of his case, but I heard that he had been brought here and I came to check on his progress," Chakwas replied in her crisp tones.
"How is he?" Shepard asked with trepidation coloring her voice.
"Fairly well, surprisingly," Chakwas reported. "He's stable now, though he hasn't regained consciousness. But Dr. Michel is very optimistic about his recovery."
Shepard released the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding in a long relieved sigh. "Good," she replied.
"I'm sure you're eager to see him, Commander," Dr. Chakwas began then she hesitated and seemed uncertain before she plunged forward, "But if I might beg a moment of your time first?"
"Yes?" Shepard replied questioningly. She shoved aside her impatience and waited for the doctor to continue. As much as she wanted to see Kaidan and verify for herself that he was going to be alright, she truly liked and respected the doctor, and she was grateful to her for all of her service – not the least of which had been the surgery to free him from Cerberus' manipulative leash. She owed Dr. Chakwas a debt of allegiance that went beyond any personal concerns.
"I know that you're back in command of the Normandy," Chakwas went on, "and I'm sure that the Alliance didn't have your med-bay staffed during retrofits... I've been assigned to a research lab here on the Citadel during the time you were in confinement. It's rewarding work, but..."
"But you're only truly happy when you're on board a starship patching up injured soldiers that are too stupid or slow to dodge enemy bullets," Shepard complete the thought with a grin. "The Normandy would be happy to have you, Dr. Chakwas," she continued. "I'd be happy to have you."
"Thank you, Commander," Dr. Chakwas replied with a relieved smile, "I'll pack my things and be ready when you depart."
"Docking Bay D-24," Shepard called over her shoulder as she headed to the patient wing access door Dr. Chakwas indicated.
#-#-#
Shepard found Kaidan's room rather easily – after several more strong-arm Spectre tactics – and opened the door eagerly, but then she paused just inside it. The sight of him silent and still on the bed, still bruised and bloody from his injuries and hooked to machines she couldn't begin to recognize stole her breath and caused her to hesitate until it returned in a whoosh. She covered the short distance between the door and his bed, sank into the chair beside it, and took his hand in hers. He was cold, she thought, and searched for a blanket. When she didn't find one, she drew his hand – still wrapped in hers – to her face and placed it flat against her own cheek to transfer her warmth to him.
"Oh, Kaidan..." she started as the sound of her own voice seemed too loud in the stillness, even with the mechanical sounds of the medical apparatus filling it too. She laughed a little at her own skittishness then continued speaking in a softer voice, "I don't know if you can hear me... But there are some things I should say... I need to say." She paused for another breath and continued, "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry for keeping you away for so long. I promise you, if you come back to me..." she had to break off as her voice broke. She cleared her throat and went on, "You fight this. You live. For me. For us," she told him, her voice strong with with command. "And then I'll never push you away again."
She let their still-joined hands drop to his side on the hospital bed and she bent her head over them. Hot tears that she didn't notice she was shedding baptized both their skin with her pain and fear. After long moments, the tears stopped and she spoke again, though she didn't lift her head.
"Kaidan... We need you," she said softly before she corrected herself, "I need you. Come back to me, please..." she trailed off on that plea and stayed silent and still in that position – bent over their joined hands until a gentle hand on her shoulder caused her to start and look up into the large black eyes of an old friend.
"Thane?" she breathed in pleased surprise.
"Siha," he greeted her simply, though that one word conveyed all his feelings – his own surprise and pleasure at their reunion, sympathy for her pain, and even regret, she thought.
"Why are you here?" Shepard asked in puzzlement, not sure if she meant in Kaidan's room, the hospital, or the Citadel in general.
"My condition has worsened to the point where I require daily medical care," Thane replied, his voice more hoarse and breathless than she remembered, "I tried to contact you when you when I heard Earth was attacked, but I couldn't get through. I came here to get help and to be close to Kolyat."
Since the reminder of Thane's son was enough to bring Caleb to the forefront of Shepard's mind and cause fresh tears to flow, Thane's sympathetic look turned to first shock then concern. "Siha?" he questioned her breathlessly.
"Kaidan and I have a son, too," she replied softly with pain and loss causing her words to come out low and harsh. "We had to leave him on Earth when the Reapers attacked."
"May Arashu watch over him and keep him safe until you return," Thane prayed for her softly, "And may Amonkira guide your hand and lead you to all those who would cause him harm." Thane paused and hesitated before he went on, "Siha, I hesitate to interrupt your privacy with your loved one in this time of pain and need, but your friends asked me to retrieve you. The Council is ready to speak with you."
"No, it's ok, Thane," Shepard replied as she stood and squared her shoulders to prepare them for the burden of duty. "I need to speak with them, too."
Thane nodded and took her place in the chair beside Kaidan. "I will watch over him for you, Siha. Your enemies may seek to harm you through him."
"Thank you, Thane," Shepard replied, pleased and touched.
"I am near the end of my life," he answered simply. "It is a good time to be generous."
She nodded and left without comment or further worry. Kaidan was in good hands - ones that she trusted.
#-#-#
"Commander," Udina's asari secretary greeted when Shepard walked into the office, "Councilor Udina said you were on the way. If you'll follow me, the Council is already in session."
Shepard nodded and followed the efficient woman as she led her into the elevator that climbed the Citadel Tower. Once the interminably long ride ceased and the doors whooshed open to deposit her outside the Council chambers, Shepard pushed forward and rushed to join Liara on the dais as angry voices of debate filled the vast chamber around her.
"We've got our own problems, Councilor," she heard the turian representative – Sparatus – say, "Earth's not in this alone."
"But Earth was the first Council world hit," Udina argued, "By all accounts, it faces the brunt of the attack."
"By your reports," the salarian councilor, Valern, put in.
"The reports are accurate," Shepard broke in, "Earth was attacked – by the Reapers." She saw all Council eyes turn to her and that she had their attention. "And its just the beginning," she added ominously. "We need your help – everything you can spare," she pleaded.
"Each of us faces a similar situation," the asari councilor, Tevos, countered, though not without sympathy. "Even now, the Reapers are pressing our on borders. If we lend you our strength to help Earth, our own worlds will fall."
"We must fight this enemy together!" Udina argued, and Shepard found herself surprised to look on her old adversary with approval for once.
"And so we should just follow you to Earth?" Valern shot back with scorn.
"Even if we were to unite our Fleets," Sparatus broke in, "Do you really believe we could defeat the Reapers?"
"I don't expect you to follow me without a plan," Shepard reasoned. She nodded to Liara who stepped in to explain the information on the Prothean device they had found. She stepped in to help answer some of the concerns the Council raised until Sparatus finally turned to her and asked the penultimate question.
"Do you really believe that this can stop the Reapers?"
Shepard wasn't sure she believed it herself yet, but she wasn't about to let doubt color her answer. "Liara believes it can work – and so do I," she confirmed confidently. "And while I haven't always agreed with Udina," she added with a slight nod to the human councilor, "he's right about this... We need to stand together – now more than ever." She paused a moment for effect before she pressed her point, "The Reapers won't stop at Earth. They'll destroy every organic being in the galaxy if we don't find a way to stop them." She watched as the councilors turned to each other and shared moments of silent communication before Tevos shared the council's consensus.
"The cruel and unfortunate truth is that while the Reapers focus on Earth, we can prepare and regroup," she said and this time her voice was hard and carried determination, not sympathy.
"We are convening a summit amongst our species," Valern added, "If we can manage to secure our own borders, we may once again consider aiding you."
"I'm sorry, Commander," Tevos continued in a softer tone once again, "That is the best we can do."
Shepard watched the councilors leave the platform with a mixture of defeat and resignation, though surprise didn't once enter mix. She really hadn't expected anything different from this group of politicians, though she had allowed herself to hope for brief seconds before they proved to her that they were still the group of people she had originally wasted breath debating with during her hunt for Saren Arterius. She didn't waste precious energy now wondering why they still hadn't learned their lesson – or second-guessing the order she had given to save their lives at the cost of thousands of human ones. She just shook her head dismissively and prepared to leave before Udina's signal caught her attention.
"Shepard, meet me in my office," Udina ordered, and Shepard nodded in acknowledgment.
#-#-#
Shepard left Udina's office after meeting with him and Sparatus and agreeing reluctantly to take the Normandy to Palaven's moon in search of a the turian primarch and shrugged as the old saying about politics making strange bedfellows echoed in her mind. She certainly never expected to be so firmly in Udina's corner, but she'd take what she could get at this point. She ducked in Commander Bailey's adjacent office, intending to reinforce Thane's protection of Kaidan by securing C-Sec's watchful eye as well and found him in a heated debate with Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani – a person she also remembered less than fondly. Once the reporter huffed out of Bailey's office, she caught up the Commander and secured his promise to place a guard on Kaidan's door. She left satisfied and headed to the elevator, intending to check in on Kaidan herself before she headed back to the Normandy, but Khalisah's strident voice caught her attention just before she reached her destination. She turned and faced the reporter, who was in full battle mode with her camera droid hovering over her shoulder.
"Commander Shepard!" Khalisah cried stridently, "Commander Shepard," she continued as she saw she had Shepard's attention, "The people of the Alliance have questions!"
When Shepard turned to give the reporter her full attention, she saw the blinking red light that indicated that the camera droid was recording come on and she realized she was now 'on' whether she liked it or not. She met Khalisah's eyes with bland disinterest.
"Commander Shepard, Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani," the reporter introduced for the benefit of her audience, "Isn't it true that you were on Earth when the Reapers attacked? How do you justify running away while millions of people on Earth die? Is that the best we can expect from the Alliance?"
Shepard breathed deeply – twice – and fought for control. She narrowly resisted her first impulse – to shove her fist right into the reporter's patronizing glare and instead balled her hands at her sides. If only this woman knew... But a display of aggression before the millions of people watching over the Westerlund News Network wouldn't further her cause of union, so instead she gritted out with barely restrained temper, "I came to get help for Earth. For everyone."
"What about all the people suffering while you play politics with the Council?" Khalisah persisted, "What about them? How can you stand here while our families die?" she added, and now her voice was colored with pain. "What are you going to do?"
Shepard started as she realized she wasn't the only one that suffered knowing that she had left loved ones behind, helpless to protect them. She stepped forward and placed a supportive hand on the other woman's shoulder. "Khalisah," she said softly to interrupt the reporter's emotional tirade, "We're doing everything we can," she reassured, though she didn't quite believe it herself.
Khalisah met Shepard's eyes with tear-filled ones, and her demeanor softened. She visibly deflated under the weight of her sorrow as Shepard's sympathy finally caused her to relent. "Before they cut the feeds..." she said quietly, "there were so many dead."
Shepard nodded. She had witnessed that horror in person. "I'm going to stop the Reapers," she told Khalisah with sincerity ringing in her voice, "or die trying. But I need you help." She saw Khalisah nod, willing to offer any aid. "Keep asking the hard questions," Shepard told her. "Don't let the Council forget about Earth."
"I will," Khalisah responded, her shoulders straightening with new-found resolve, "Thank you, Commander. I'm glad you're on our side," she added as she walked away.
"I would have punched the bruja myself," James' quiet voice from behind Shepard startled her and she turned to him and saw him grin, "But then you're a better woman than me, Lola."
"I should hope so, James," Shepard replied with a matching grin. "What are you doing up here?" she asked in surprise.
"Taking in the sights," he replied solemnly, "Never been to the Citadel before. From up here, its easy to forget the galaxy's at war."
"Yeah," she replied quietly, wandering to the railing to the right and gazing out over the peaceful and nearly bucolic view of the Presidium below them.
"That's why you told the reporter to keep reminding them," James said in approval as he joined her and his eyes studied the same view. "Smart move."
"That's why they pay me the big bucks," she said a little sarcastically although he laughed anyway. They passed another moment of companionable silence staring at the view before he spoke again.
"So Kaidan's your baby-daddy?" he asked speculatively.
She turned to him with an arched brow and echoed, "Baby-daddy?" with humor. "I don't think anyone has used that term in over fifty years, James. And we're not in the middle of some trashy daytime-reality vid here, anyway. Kaidan is Caleb's father," she confirmed with emphasis.
"Yeah, so why didn't he come see you for six months?" James asked, heat in his voice now as he came to what he considered her defense.
"Because I refused to see him," Shepard answered quietly and stole the wind from his sails. "I couldn't let him get involved in that mess."
"Dios," James replied with a soft whistle. "You got a thing for falling on your own sword, Lola," he added. He paused for a moment then added, "I hope he's going to be ok."
"The docs say so," Shepard confirmed with a grateful smile, "And in the meantime, Lieutenant," she added as she straightened and headed back to the elevator, "We have work to do... If you're done with your sightseeing."
James took one last look over the Presidium before he hopped into a jog and met her on the elevator just before the doors closed behind them.
