Live to Regret – Chapter 4
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A/N: All right, so I think all your questions will be answered in this one. Some people had correctly guessed that a child would play an important role in this fic, but there didn't seem to be a consensus on who exactly the child's parents were. I hope this helps!
Thanks again to everyone for continuing to read and review. It is wonderful to know that you are enjoying it!
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"I do not want to talk about this right now."
"Then when, Lee?"
Kara wakes abruptly to the sound of Lee and the Commander's hushed whispers. The anger flowing between them is obvious by the harshness of their tones and she blinks rapidly trying to order her thoughts as they continue to argue.
"I don't know, sir. Later, after Kara's out of the woods."
"Kara's condition has nothing to do with this and you know it. Besides, she's going to want answers too."
Answers to what? Kara had awoken feeling rested and peaceful, the memory of Lee's arms around a welcome distraction to the loneliness she's been experiencing for so long, but this new development between the two most important men in her life, sets her heart to racing.
"I will deal with this in my own way, in my own time."
"Lee-"
"For once, be my father and not my commander." There is a pregnant pause. "Please, dad."
The finality of the statement surprises Kara as much as it surprises the Commander if his lack of a retort is any indication. Before she can even begin to process what she's just heard, Lee re-enters the room, a scowl on his features that clears instantly as he meets her gaze.
"Hey, you're awake."
"Are you okay?"
He smiles at her, that little boy smile that makes her knees weak. "I'm supposed to be asking you that," he chides, sitting beside her. He hesitates for a second before taking her hand in his and Kara revels in the contact. "How are you feeling?"
"Better, I guess." She doesn't remember much of the night before except for Lee finding her outside the nursery. Her eyes had been riveted to that little blonde haired girl who Kara feels such an irrational kinship with. She knows it's ridiculous – the overheard whisperings of a few nurses should not have stirred such hope within her. But it has and she thinks that maybe the Gods have answered her prayer and given her a second chance. Maybe they saw a way to save her child, Zak's child, and they did.
"Hey." Lee's voice pulls her back to him and she offers him a wan smile as his thumb rubs absently over her knuckles. "Where'd you go?"
Shaking her head once, Kara finds her mouth is dry. She can't tell him, can she? She should, it's only fair, the child is his niece, but she has no proof. And she's just gotten him back; they've just managed to heal the rift between them. The thought of losing Lee again freezes her to the core. She shivers.
"Are you cold?" His attention and concern make her heart flutter and she shakes her head once. She doesn't want him to go. "What is it, Kara?"
"What were you and your father arguing about?" Kara has always believed the best defense is distraction.
Lee's face hardens for a second and she sees something in his eyes that looks remarkably like fear. "Lee?"
He releases a heavy sigh, his entire body sagging with the exhalation. "It's nothing, Kara. You just need to rest and get better."
"Hey." Her stern tone brings his eyes back to her face. "I may not be feeling so hot, but I'm still your friend. You can tell me, you know."
He sighs again and this time there is no mistaking the reticence on his features. "I don't even know where to begin." He scrubs his face hard with his hands and Kara wishes she didn't miss that small point of contact.
Bringing those rich, blue eyes back to her face, he offers her a weak smile. "There's no easy way to say it, I guess." Kara pretends to be unaffected by his cryptic nature, but her heart rate is starting to go a bit off the charts.
"Kara .,." She suddenly regrets asking and feels a heavy weight pressing down on her chest as he continues.
"I have a daughter."
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"Captain, I'd like to introduce you to your daughter."
Lee has been frozen in place since Ishay stepped into the room with the blonde-haired girl securely on her hip. She is quiet, her thumb in her mouth, a worn blanket tucked up against her cheek. She eyes Lee with wide brown eyes and his blue stare back intently.
He searches for Giane in her. He sees glimpses, but nothing definitive. He sees more of himself, or more accurately, his mother in her small face. But the blonde hair is definitely from Giane as are those impossibly large eyes.
"Would you like to hold her, Captain?" Ishay's soft voice interrupts his inspection and his eyes go wide as they dart between the nurse, the doctor and the child.
"Oh, I – She doesn't know me," he blurts out. As if anyone needed a reminder of that simple fact.
"Well, it's time to fix that, don't you think?" Ishay's voice is soothing and Lee wonders if he can take classes in that. He wonders if he can take classes in all of it – Parenting 101. Surely, someone in the fleet can coach him.
His mind inexplicably flits to Kara's image and he has no idea why. Since he told her, she's been polite, but not friendly and while Lee would like to determine just what exactly is wrong, he's a bit too preoccupied with his own frakked up life to focus on her. He feels guilty for it. Not more than a week after vowing to never leave her alone and yet he's done just that. Is there a friendship clause for extenuating circumstances?
"Why don't you hold her, son?"
Cottle's normally gruff voice is tinged with something comforting and it's as unnerving as it is soothing.
Wiping sweaty palms on his pant legs, Lee takes a step closer to Ishay and holds out his arms as he's seen other parents do before him. Cocking his head to the side, he offers the little girl a small smile. "Hi Alyssa. I'm Lee."
As Ishay shifts her into his hands, the little girl finally makes a noise. She removes her thumb from her mouth curling her hand around the collar of Ishay's scrubs and whimpers. Her eyes are wide with fear and Lee can relate. He freezes, the little girl now suspended between himself and the nurse as she gently tries to disengage the girl from her collar.
"It's okay, Ally. This is Lee, he's your daddy."
Alyssa reluctantly lets go, and Lee takes on all of her weight as Ishay steps away. The girl keeps her body twisted, maintaining eye contact with Ishay at all times as her new father awkwardly holds her.
"Just talk to her, Captain. Let her get used to you. She's been through quite a lot."
That's an understatement. Being orphaned after the end of the worlds seems like quite a bit for a one and a half year to deal with. Now, she's confronted with a new father – one who had abandoned her and her mother two years before. Poor kid.
"Uh, okay. Hey there." His voice is shaking and Lee wishes Kara were here. She would no doubt make some snide remark about the great Apollo and his inability to face one small girl without quaking in his uniform. "It's nice to meet you, Alyssa."
Turning to face him, Lee watches in awe as the thumb goes back in her mouth and she clutches her blanket tight to her. Her eyes are no longer full of fear, but once again she's staring at him in a way that unnerves him. In that look, he sees Giane. He can see the pain in her eyes and face the day she told him she was pregnant and he'd told her he wasn't ready. When he closes his eyes at night, he can still hear her stifled sob as she ran away from him.
Releasing a heavy breath, Lee closes his eyes and then blindly hands Alyssa back to the nurse. "I'm sorry," he breathes, eyes alighting to his daughter before hurrying out of the room. "I'm sorry, I can't."
He rushes from Lifestation and is in the head and bent over the toilet before he can even register the movement. The meager breakfast he ate gets flushed and he leans back against the wall, panting. He can't do this. He couldn't do it before when Giane had proposed they raise the baby together. How the hell is he supposed to do it now – by himself?
He has no idea how long he stands there, but as his stomach settles, he knows he has to get moving. Finding the CAG cowering in a bathroom stall wouldn't do a lot for morale.
Straightening his shoulders, Lee steps out and heads purposefully for the sink. Rinsing his mouth out and splashing cold water on his face, he reaches for a towel and catches Kara's gaze in the mirror. "Hey."
She blinks once as if surprised to be caught staring and then moves to the sink beside him. "Hey."
He watches as she washes her hands, lathering up the soap to an almost obscene foam. Tossing his soiled towel across the way, he leans against the sink and asks, "How are you?"
"Fine."
It's obvious she doesn't want to talk. Good thing Lee is known for avoiding the obvious. "I was hoping we could talk later. You know, about – well, everything."
Kara stiffens, reaching past him for a towel. She almost brushes against him and Lee tenses at the opportunity for contact. He doesn't know if he wants it or not.
"I don't know, Captain. I've got a lot of catching up to do." She tosses the towel in a perfect imitation of his earlier throw and then turns to face him with a hard glare. "Besides, won't you be a little busy playing daddy?"
The look of hurt and betrayal that flashes in his eyes is enough to make her heart stop. Refusing to back down, Kara continues to glare at him, watching as he struggles to come up with something to say. Finally, he does – it's not eloquent or particularly verbose, but it's something.
"Frak you, Kara."
Turning on his heel he stalks towards the door and she watches him go. She wants to call him back, tell him she didn't mean it; tell him she's dealing with her own frakked-up life and that's why she's being such a class A bitch. But she can't. The words stick in her throat and with a heavy sigh, Kara turns back to the sink, leaning her weight on her hands and dropping her chin to her chest.
"I guess it was too much to ask that my best friend be understanding." His voice is quieter than before, but no less edgy and Kara's back tenses immediately.
With less anger than she felt before and far more fatigue, she turns back to him, arms crossed over her chest. "What do you want from me, Lee? Do you want me to clap my hands because you're acting like a grown-up?"
He sighs. "I don't know, Kara. I don't-" He stares at the floor for a long time and Kara wonders if maybe he's just unable to form a thought – she's struck him speechless before, but this prolonged silence is nerve-wracking. "You could meet her."
She blinks. "What?"
He raises his head and she is unprepared for the pure plea in his gaze. For the second time in as many minutes, her heart stops. "You haven't been to see her, Kara."
Once again she falls into defensive mode, because it's so much easier than trying to form rational thought. "You are not foisting that kid on me."
His cheeks color immediately and the red flushes down to his neck, disappearing past the collar of his tanks. "That's not – Gods, Kara! That's not what I'm doing! I just –" He turns away from her again and paces a heated path in front of the hatch. His fists clench and unclench at his sides and Kara follows the line of the veins in his arms as they pull taut with the motion.
When he finally stops pacing, he doesn't turn back to her. Instead, he leans a hand against the wall, his palm flat against the metal as if he's trying to push it away. "I'm scared outta my mind, Kara."
She hadn't expected such a blatant admission and the words immediately propel her feet in his direction. She stops after she's halved the distance between them. The truth is, she's scared too – scared for Lee and for herself. She doesn't know what will happen if she meets that little girl. For a few heady days Kara had actually believed the child was hers. The knowledge that she isn't is still an open wound and Kara fears meeting the girl will only pour salt in it. Even Kara Thrace isn't that sadistic – at least, not today.
"She looks at me and I can tell she knows I'm an amateur. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I tried to hold her just now and she cried." With a heavy sigh, his shoulders slump forward and Kara takes another hesitant step towards him. He's suffering and she wants to help, may the Lords of Kobol have mercy on her soul, she wants to make this easier for her best friend.
She just has no idea how.
"How am I supposed to do this?" When he turns back to face her, his eyes are no longer full of anger or desperation, but sadness. Kara can see the depth of Lee's guilt in that gaze – she doesn't know the details, but she doesn't have to. Lee Adama doesn't run from responsibility, but it appears the one time he did, the consequences were overwhelming.
"You'll do it, because you have to." His eyes focus on her face as the words register, but instead of bolstering his flagging spirit, he looks even more dejected. Kara takes another step forward; she's close enough to put a hand on his shoulder. She doesn't. "That little girl needs you, Lee, more than any other living person. So you'll just figure it out."
"But what if I completely frak it up? I mean, this isn't like botching a landing-"
"Which you do all the time." She smirks at him – he walked right into that one.
He frowns back at her and keeps going his anxiety again on the rise. "This is someone's life. She's so small. What if I-"
"You won't."
Her tone is unwavering and Lee's eyes question her belief. "How do you know?"
She shrugs. "Because I know you."
The silence between them is louder than just about anything and Kara feels the air charge with something pleasant and scary all at once. She wants to go to him, wants to at least rest her hand on his arm and maybe give it a squeeze. She can tell by the tension still lacing his frame that he's not convinced she's right – simply praying to Gods he doesn't truly believe in that she might be.
"Will you meet her, Kara? Please?"
She shakes her head once and steps back. "I don't-"
"Look." He steps forward this time and before she can pull away he's taken her hand in his, pressing his thumb into her palm. "We're having dinner at my father's tomorrow night. Why don't you come too?"
The allure of dinner with the Old Man, Lee and the blonde-haired angel she's glimpsed paints a beautiful picture in Kara's mind. It's warm and inviting and she feels a small thrill shoot through her belly at the thought. "Family dinner, huh?" she teases, giving him a smile that reaches her eyes.
He returns it. "It's been known to happen."
But she hasn't agreed and he knows it. Lee takes another step closer, pulling their joined hands towards his chest. Trapping them there with his other hand, his blue eyes bore into hers and Kara worries he might actually glimpse her soul. She wants to say no and yes all at once, so she opts for middle ground. "I'll see. I think I'm on shift-"
"You're off at 1800." He's not going to let some weak excuse get her off the hook. "I made the schedule."
She rolls her eyes at him, but it isn't mean-spirited and he knows it. "I'll think about it," she promises. He seems to accept this, albeit reluctantly. Giving her hand a final squeeze, he drops it slowly and she feels the residual tingle in her fingers from his touch. She holds his gaze for another moment and he stares right back. She's afraid to break this connection, afraid to burst the bubble they've wandered into. But she has to – she has to work.
"I gotta go." She passes him on her way to the hatch, close enough that she can feel the heat from his skin. The sensation is enough to propel her to reach out and squeeze his shoulder. Waiting until his eyes are back on her, she offers him a small smile. "You'll be fine."
He smiles back, but she can tell his doubt has set in once again. The smile is more for her benefit than his. She'll take it.
With another quick squeeze to his shoulder, Kara exits, shaking her hands out in an effort to release some of the tension that's seeped into her bones. She can't sit in her cockpit for the next three hours brimming with sexual energy and giddiness.
She smiles. Kara Thrace, giddy … only after the end of the worlds.
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Lee opens the door to find a chagrined Kara on the other side. He's far too tired and annoyed to deal.
"It's late, Kara." He wants to ask why she'd show up now, hours after the dinner he'd invited her too. It seems a tad contradictory – and hurtful.
"Look, I'm sorry I missed dinner-"
He doesn't let her finish. "Fine, whatever."
"Lee."
He stops at the sound of her voice, the tone that borders on murder and mercy. He meets her eyes for the first time and sees what might be actual regret shining back at him. That's new.
"I'm sorry." She says the words clearly, evenly, giving them weight by their mere simplicity. She waits another second and then tries again. "Okay?"
Lee wants to tell her no, it's not okay. He wants to tell her that the past few weeks have been hellish enough and the last thing he needs is more of her bullshit.
He stays suspiciously quiet. "Sure." She doesn't leave as he suspected she might. "Do you want to come in?"
She nods before stepping past him. As he shuts the hatch, he takes a deep breath. Against most odds, now that Kara's here he feels better, less tense somehow. Even though Ally had gone down over an hour before, Lee had been trapped alone with his thoughts; too tired to healthily process them and too exhausted to actually sleep. Now at least, Kara might distract him from his own dark musings. "Do you want something to drink?"
She nods her assent and Lee pours them both glasses of water. When he turns to hand it to her, he stops for a moment, enthralled by the sight before him.
Similar to the night he found her in Lifestation, Kara is staring, her hands lightly gripping the edge of the crib he's fashioned with the Chief. Her gaze is riveted to his daughter, the small blonde-haired child curled into a ball with her blanket clutched tightly in her fist. Not for the first time, Lee wishes he had the right to ask Kara for her help with Alyssa. In many ways, he wishes the child he had fathered was hers.
Blinking that thought away, Lee walks to her side and hands her the drink. "Here."
Kara takes it absently, barely glancing in his direction. "She's beautiful, Lee," she tells him, her voice pitched low in an effort not to wake the child.
Lee follows her gaze and again finds his own breath momentarily stolen. "She takes after her mother," he explains softly, a tentative hand reaching forward and gently brushing a curl from Alyssa's forehead.
Now Lee can feel Kara's intense gaze directed at him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Releasing a heavy sigh, Lee shakes his head, backing away. "Talk about what? How I failed her mother? How I failed her?" His voice is dangerously low both out of necessity and self-preservation; he knows all too well where the road of self-recrimination will lead. Not too unlike his best friend. "There's nothing to talk about. I can't change what I did." Unable to take Kara's close scrutiny, Lee turns away, sitting heavily on the edge of his bunk. "Who I hurt."
Kara is quiet for so long Lee would swear she's left. It isn't until he feels the bed dip beside him, the light touch of her thigh along his that he knows she's still there. "You're right."
The words are precise and Lee's head snaps up, betrayed blue eyes regarding Kara.
"What's done is done, Lee. And since the end of the worlds there's a whole bunch of things we can't change no matter how badly we want to." Her hazel eyes are focused on his and Lee finds it impossible to look away despite how much he fears what she might say next. "So asking why and punishing yourself is useless now." She turns slightly, her gaze back on Ally. "All that matters is that little girl." She pauses again and Lee watches her Adam's apple bob hard in her throat. "And the fact that you got a second chance." Slowly, her eyes travel back to his and now Lee is sure he can read regret and sadness there – such sadness his heart hurts for reasons he can't explain.
"It's the end of the worlds, Lee and you got a second chance to be a father." Her eyes are shining and Lee has the sudden fear that she may cry. "Regardless of how you got it, the Gods still gave it to you. That's something to be grateful for."
He's too stunned to speak, watching closely as Kara blinks once, her momentary vulnerability replaced with discomfort. As she sips her water, Lee studies her, wondering what exactly he was just privy to.
Guiltily his eyes travel back to Ally and he feels the faintest smile pulling at his lips. "I am grateful," he murmurs. "I realized pretty quickly after turning Giane away that I'd made a mistake. I never dreamed I'd get a chance to make it right." Kara remains silent and Lee is about to ask why she's so transfixed by his child when Alyssa stirs, whimpering a bit in her sleep.
Lee reaches her first, Kara close behind. Bending down, he scoops the girl into his arms, shushing her quietly. "Is it time to eat, already?" he asks softly, giving her a smile and a kiss. She squirms a bit in his hold, her eyes focusing on the latest stranger she's been confronted with in her young life.
Both girls regard each other with wide, liquid eyes and Lee watches just as intrigued. The look of peace that washes over Kara is as unsettling as it is unexpected; Starbuck is never at peace.
Seemingly satisfied with her initial review, Ally moans again, forcing Lee to act. "All right, I'll get your bottle." He attempts to place her back in her crib, but the minute her feet touch the bed, she begins to cry in earnest, calling out for her "ba-ba." Glancing to Kara, he turns, extending Ally to her. "Can you hold her while I get her food ready?" He doesn't give her time to refuse, but instead hands the girl off, waiting for Ally to fuss at being giving to someone else. However, unlike Lee's first attempt to hold her which had resulted in tears, Alyssa simply continues to stare at Kara as the woman adjusts her hold on the girl. With pudgy fists, she reaches out, one hand curling around a strand of Kara's hair while the other falls with a soft thump against her cheek.
"Kara, this is Alyssa."
All Kara can say is "Hi."
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Kara feels more than sees Lee walking away as her entire focus is on the girl in her arms. The warm weight of a baby against her chest has filled Kara with a longing so strong she fears she'll choke on it.
Alyssa, oblivious to Kara's internal struggle, continues to twirl her hair, pulling it towards her mouth. Kara smiles at the child's curiosity before leaning towards her. Pressing her lips gently to the baby's forehead, Kara inhales deep, overwhelmed by the scent of baby powder and innocence. Kara has never before considered how comforting it can be.
Alyssa starts a string of baby talk, disrupting Kara's thoughts. With wide eyes, she listens intently as Ally rambles on.
"Just like your father," Kara teases lightly, rocking Ally with a motion she's never employed before. "Able to talk a blue streak regardless of who's listening."
The little girl blinks once, her brown eyes again fixed on Kara before she lets out a giggle. The joyous sound brings tears to Kara's eyes and she quickly blinks them back as Lee reenters.
"Well, I think you made a friend."
Kara turns, her cheek resting on top of Ally's soft curls. The thought of handing her back to Lee hurts. She hasn't felt this complete in a very long time.
Perhaps sensing her reluctance, Lee extends the bottle. "Would you like to feed her?"
Kara stiffens for a moment even as Alyssa, recognizing the bottle reaches for it with a happy exclamation. Nodding slowly, Kara shifts her hold on Ally and takes the bottle before heading back to Lee's bunk and sitting gingerly.
"Is there a trick to it?" she asks, wondering why her insides should be shaking.
"No." Sitting beside her, Lee leans close and says, "She pretty much knows what to do, just hold her so she's at an angle. Ishay told me it helps with digestion."
Kara shifts her hold again and Alyssa's little legs kick at the air with excitement as Kara places the bottle to her lips. Her tiny hands hold it steady as she begins to drink, her large eyes still holding Kara's gaze intently.
It's fascinating. As Kara watches her eat she notices every inch of perfection that is this child. Her rounded cheeks and tiny nose; her big eyes and beautiful long lashes; her tiny hands with their miniature finger nails.
She could have had this. The thought causes her breath to hitch as the long buried memory of her own daughter surfaces. She had only seen her for a second, but Kara can remember the hole her absence left all those years ago. And now because of the Cylons, she'll never get the chance to fill that hole; to make it right.
"Kara." Lee's voice is distant and it takes her a moment to come back to the present. Reluctantly, she turns to face him. Confusion and concern are written in his eyes and she dreads what he might ask.
"What happened on Caprica?"
Kara is glad she has Alyssa to focus on. This way, he can't see how uncomfortable she is by the question. "You read the report," she says by way of answer. Lee doesn't appreciate her attempt at evasion.
"Kara-"
"Lee." Once again she can silence him with a word. Raising her deep hazel eyes to regard him, she tells him, "It's not important. Focus on your daughter."
She returns her eyes to Alyssa, watching with a smile as her eyelids droop with the call of sated sleep. She's barely sucking on the bottle anymore and Kara gently removes it, placing it on the low table beside Lee's bed before adjusting the girl so her face rests against Kara's neck. Gently, she begins to rub soothing circles on her back, an old melody of her father's coming out as a hum. With a sigh, she closes her eyes for a moment: she's a mother and a wife and the threat of Cylons and hybrid babies seems very far away. Kara never thought she'd want this – nothing as mundane as a "normal" life. But for this second, she does.
"You're a natural."
Lee's whisper pulls Kara back to the present. With a smirk she's perfected over the years, she hands Alyssa back to her father and stands. She's already fallen too deep and she needs to leave. "Maybe maternal instincts skip a generation. My mother certainly didn't have any."
She can see the start of an apology in his eyes and cuts him off. "Leave it, Lee. Thank you for introducing me. She's beautiful."
"You can spend time with her whenever you want," he hastily informs her, following her to the hatch. "I mean it. I'd really like the two of you to know each other."
Cocking an eyebrow, Kara swings open the hatch. "You sure about that, Apollo? The stories I could tell her-"
"I want you to be a part of her life, Kara." He's serious and Kara lets the rest of the tease die unsaid.
She wants it too and that's the problem. How long can she spend time with this child before her own grief and regret will choke her to death? Kara has always been a glutton for punishment, but even for her this might be too masochistic.
"We'll see." She can tell by the slight squint in his eyes he's not pleased with that answer, but he still knows better than to push.
"Sleep well, Kara." He smiles at her, that ridiculously handsome smile that has felled far weaker women than Kara Thrace.
She can only return the grin with a nod. "Night."
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