"Invisible Fracture" : Can & Emre Divit, Oct 1998

"It's my birthday...it's my birthday", Emre shouts excitedly as we get off the school bus. There was a mini celebration and everyone made it special for him by singing "Happy Birthday" in front of the whole school.

I hold onto Emre's hand tightly as we walk the short alleyway to our house. I love Emre... he's just started kindergarten this year and I've been teaching him the ropes. He's timid & tiny... and I want to make sure nobody messes with him.

After all... I'm a big brother and almost 10 years old. Mom & dad had promised a cake today, a separate cake, for each of us! As we near the house, there are many cars and vans parked outside and our excitement grows by the minute.

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Emre & I run into the house... and into the drawing room to meet our parents. Mom & dad are seated, quietly, across from each other and I run to hug mom as Emre runs to dad. She hugs me back... but something is not right. Her eyes look blotchy and red, as though she had been crying and she looks upset. Before I could form the words to ask a question, she sits me down besides her and holds my face in her hands.

"Can, you're a big boy now...and I love you very much... more than anyone else in this world!"

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"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nod my head in agreement...but still unsure of what was going on. She continues.

"Your dad & I are not going to be living together in the same house anymore...and we've decided that you will live with your dad... and Emre will come live with me".

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I hear her words...but I don't understand their meaning...it is all being said & happening too fast. I turn to look at Emre...and it looks like dad told him the same thing and he's started to cry.

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"Can, my darling, you have to be brave now...", she says.

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A few moments pass... and it really dawns on me that my mom is leaving... without me. I take a deep breath and try to voice my concerns...but I'm in such a shock that words elude me!

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Next, things happen in slow motion...my mom calls to some men & women in the other room. Now I know that they were her lawyers and movers. People hustle and bustle around us and there is a lot of things being moved, packed, bargained...and it's all a blur to me.

A few more minutes, hours...I know not, have passed and I sit riveted on the sofa. My mom leans down to kiss me on both cheeks & gives me a strong hug. She motions to Emre...and he slowly walks towards us. I lean in to grab his arm as I don't want to be separated from him...my little brother!

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Emre doesn't want to be caught...but he stops & whispers:

"I thought dad loved me more than you...!"

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That was the last time I saw my mom. She went away to Switzerland to make a life of her own. Emre & I met a few times over the years and I missed him terribly. He now speaks French & German fluently, less our mother tongue & English. It was tough communicating with him with all the language barriers... and we slowly grew apart.

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I hope one day that we'd be able to bridge the gap, rebuild our bond & become brothers again!