It took a greater part of the twenty minutes after they had finally emerged from the Item Vault when it would have taken only ten, but Samus finally reached the door to her room without getting into any serious accidents – though there was a dangerous instance in which she almost plummeted down three flights of stairs, her sense of balance not accustomed to the delicate act of vertical movement.

The hallway, thankfully, was deserted, preventing any eyebrows from being raised from the alien sight of dinosaur visiting hardened space warrior. The entire mansion, in fact, had been mostly empty, save for a body turning the corner here, a face popping out from a door there, the result of a gloriously crisp and fresh spring morning on a free Sunday. Good thing too, because the less Smashers tried to talk to her the better. Toon Link had been the only one to try to do so, running up to her when he caught sight of her stuffing herself into a Auto-Fire Barrel that would cut travel time to the Eastern Wing by blasting her to the hallway nearest to the Dining Hall.

"Yoshi! Wait. Got a favor to ask ya," he had called after her.

"Not now," Samus had replied with a very un-Yoshilike snarl.

"It'll just be a minute –"

"I said not now!"

The blast from the Barrel that sent her shooting through the automatic window was the bitter note of finality to Toon Link's rejected pleas.

She had sent Ness and Yoshi – the real Yoshi, the spiritual one – on a mission to re-capture the rogue Manaphy, once and for all, right after they had bribed King Dedede, Bowser Jr., and Lucas with coupons for free ice creams from Ness's pockets, and Wario with Captain Falcon's wallet, stuffed full with Smcash and his credit card, to keep their mouths shut about the whole ordeal. As it turned out, they were not there for a stock check, as all three of the guilty party had initially assumed, but rather because Master Hand had tasked the first four Smashers he happened to chance upon to bring him a list of Pokéballs, to determine which Pokémon should stay and which ones would be replaced by the new batch of Sun & Moon monsters soon to be released.

"You owe me a month's worth supply of ice cream," Ness had sniveled, barely keeping the tears behind his visor.

"We wouldn't have had to give it away if you didn't attack Yoshi," Samus had countered. "And how the hell do you have so many ice cream coupons, anyway?"

To which Ness had no reply.

Now. Now, she stood outside her room, fingers punching in the digits of the code that would unlock her door. The visions that had tormented her, the mental images of her body gleefully tearing through drawers and drawers of her socks and panties and bras, or else her body strutting around in nothing but heart-shaped stickers at the appropriate spots, or else her body forced into unnatural positions of erotic, orgasmic sensations…

She shook her head, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

It was as though a Space Pirate had infiltrated her room and ripped through every nook and cranny to find and kill her. The bed sheets were crumpled and strewn across the floor; every single drawer was slotted out from its cabinet, its once-immaculately arranged collection of socks and panties and bras scattered across the room in a storm of scandalous chaos; the mirror of her vanity was vandalized with mars of that disgusting shade of never-again-used grape lipstick, the table littered with generous quantities of fine, wasted face powder.

In the middle of it all, her body, naked except for a few heart-shaped stickers stuck at the appropriate spots, forced into an unnatural position with the blobs of her chest squished tantalizingly against the bed and the curves of her rear raised majestically into the air.

"Oh, hey, Yoshi!" her body greeted with sickening cheerfulness as she stood still, rendered dumb and immobile by the sheer audacity of three different impossible situations all coming true. "Nice of you to pop in! I'm practicing my twerking with Samus's body – she's gonna look super sexy hot by the time I get the muscle coordination right. Like, super-ultra-mega sexy hot." She batted her eyelids in those coy, alluring way that other women so liked to employ, and Samus noticed the hideous misuse of her midnight-velvet eye shadow as a substitute for eyeliner. Then her body winked and said, playfully, "Don't tell Samus."

Her body gave three meek, gelatinous twerks as it grunted a grunt she herself had never uttered. Then her body stopped and gave a confused frown.

"Wait a minute. How did – how did you get in here? Do you know Samus's code or something?"

Another quiver of the heart-shaped bottom, and then it hit him.

"Oh, shit," he gasped.

He recoiled in horror, pulling the blankets and covering up immediately as Samus charged forward with a Kraid scream, fist of doom raised high and blazing as it sought nothing more than to split open the flesh of Douglas Jay Falcon and spill his blood –

"Samus!"

She turned, and without thinking or even looking who it was, screamed, "What?!"

It was Ness and Yoshi, and for one crazy, hopeful second Samus thought they had returned with the Manaphy, the guilty creature that currently reserved the other half of her murderous intentions. Then she saw that their hands were empty, and the sinking disappointment only further exacerbated her vehemence.

"Close the fucking door!" she snarled. They obliged. "I thought I told you to go find the Manaphy!"

"We – we have something important to tell you that we just remembered," Yoshi sputtered, his knees bruised from the multiple falls he had suffered.

"What are – oh, I don't have time for this!" Samus turned back around, the guillotine of her green fist raised high and imposing, ready to strike down its judgment –

"Wait!" Captain Falcon cried, grabbing a pillow and holding it up in front of his face. "Don't hit me! I – I know you're angry, and I know you want to kill me – but this is your body! I can't let you ruin such a beautiful work of art, even if I'm the one in here!"

There was enough sense in his words for Samus to stop, hesitate, torn between the harm she would bring upon her own body and giving Captain Falcon a piece of her mind, and Falcon took advantage of her indecision to bound off the bed, grab Ness (who all the while was trying his best to look away), and shove the unsuspecting manchild to the general direction of the enraged dinosaur.

"Here, hit me – my body – instead!" Captain Falcon offered.

"Wha –" Ness began.

Quite unfortunately for him, Samus took the bargain. Before he knew it, his jaw was met with a devastating blow, a bullet of the purest, undistilled rage, smashing right into his chin and sending shockwaves through the bone, an eruption of pain, pain, pain, pain, pain as his head reeled back from the impact alone and slammed his brain against the walls of his skull – an occurrence that the body was far used to, but not the mind.

"Feel better?" Captain Falcon grinned.

"A little bit," Samus admitted with grudging reluctance.

"Thanks a lot, assholes," Ness groaned from the floor.

Yoshi simply stood still, gazing dumbfounded at the truly weird sights to behold.

"Cover me up, you indecent perv!" Samus shouted, scooping up the closest pile of clothes and shoving it to Falcon's chest.

"I am decent. You see?" The unwilling captain dropped the clothes he was handed and pointed to the heart stickers, one on each breast and a line of them running down his –

With a frustrated roar Samus dug a boot into Ness's stomach as he was trying to pick himself up.

"This is child abuse! Yoshi, call the cops!" the masculine manly-man screamed as he cradled his stomach and lied in a fetal, helpless position on the floor.

"Falcon, I'm warning you –" Samus seethed.

"Get the hell up, Yoshi, what the hell are you doing with my body?" Falcon cried, ignoring Samus as he forcefully pulled Ness up to his feet. "You know who you are right now?"

"I'm Ness, you fucking asswipe."

"No, you're Captain Falcon!" Captain Falcon shouted. "Manliest man in the entire universe, sexiest, most handsomest, devilishly-goodlooking beast to ever exist, eight-year winner in a row of the F-Zero Grand Prix! I will not have some immature brat walk around in my body and break down like a little bitch because daddy couldn't make a man out of you over the telephone and ruin my entire reputation!"

"That's a mouthful for 'perverted loser who's never gonna score with the chicks'," Ness retorted as he pulled away from the Samus's vice grip.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Falcon huffed as he gave his brand new hooters a tight little squeeze.

"That's it," Samus exhaled hotly. "Oh, you are in for it now. You perverted son of a bitch. You like being naked so much? Fine." She turned around and looked fiercely up at Ness. "Ness, take off all your clothes."

"Huh?" was his confused reply.

"We're going to teach Mr. Whorehouse here a lesson in modesty," Samus glowered as she began pulling at the gloves. "If he likes running around naked so much, then it's only fair we keep the clothes off his real body, too. Isn't that right, Douglas Jay Falcon?"

"Oh, absolutely," Falcon replied cheerfully. "Here – let me help you with my suit, don't want you accidentally tearing it –"

"What?!" Samus nearly screamed in disbelief as she watched the horrifying sight of her near-naked body snake around Falcon's to assist him in the stripping of his clothes.

"You're absolutely right, Samus. Genius idea. Why should you be the only one showing off the beauties of the human body, eh? You're only half the masterpiece – now, allow me the honor of bestowing upon you the greatest work of art Nintendo has ever known –"

"Stop! I change my mind! You can keep your clothes back on!" Samus cried desperately as she tried to pull back Falcon, but to no avail: The top part of his racing suit was removed carefully, lovingly, by the tender arms of her body, revealing an anatomy sectioned with deep cuts and firm bulges, arms double-sided with sloping hills of pure muscles, chests of bulging steel barreling outwards with not a hint of a sag, stomach sliced and defined by deep lines that turned abdomen into an armor of impenetrable strength.

"You're supposed to be feeling violated!" Samus wailed as Falcon imparted upon his chest a loving kiss.

"I don't think you quite understand how the male psyche works, Samus," Ness said sympathetically as Captain Falcon stooped low to unbuckle the belt.

"Guys!" Yoshi shouted, so loudly that Falcon stopped his stripping and Samus stopped her tugging to look at the little boy who up to now had refused to be part of the havoc. "If you guys can shut up for five minutes, I have some very important piece of information I need to share with you, Samus!"

"What could be so important for you to abandon your search to get us back into our bodies?" Samus challenged, anger rushing back from the temporary respite of a backfiring plan.

"It's – well –" Yoshi rubbed the back of his head and began twiddling with his thumbs, suddenly struck nervous and incoherent, now that he was ready to relay the news he had come to give. He drew circles with his left foot, then muttered, "I – I mean, you kind of have a date with Greninja tonight. Uh. Seven p.m."

There was silence, broken only by a muffled childlike screaming of mirth trailing somewhere from outside.

"I'm not going," Samus finally snapped back.

"But you have to!" Yoshi pleaded desperately. "It's our first anniversary since we got together! You can't just not go!"

"Well, then, you better find that Manaphy quick, shouldn't you?" Samus snarled as she turned back to face the pressing issue of stopping Falcon from taking off Ness's clothes. "You better make sure you don't have any other previous engagements, or else – or else –"

For quite possibly the millionth time that day an expression of horror dawned upon Samus's face as her jaw dropped open and her eyes widened with the shocking reminder her own words had brought.

"Is – is that a yes?" Yoshi said hopefully.

"I have a party tonight," Samus echoed hollowly as she let her arms fall from Falcon. She looked up at him, the face that was a disastrous canvas of lipstick and eye shadow, and her voice cracked as she repeated, with slight alteration, "you have a party tonight."

"What party?" Falcon asked, frowning as he racked the recesses of his mind, without success, for the knowledge of some party which he had surely been invited to.

"Zelda's. To commemorate the return of spring. Adults only. You weren't invited." Samus added the last bit automatically just as Falcon opened his mouth, and his unasked question answered, shut it immediately with lower lip pushed forward to form a petulant pout.

"I was telling Yoshi's got something to do, too, right about one p.m.," Ness said as he squeezed his way out from the cage of Samus's and Yoshi's bodies. "Which just leaves you, Falcon. You got something on today that you need me to do?"

"Uh…" Falcon shifted his gaze between the three, all of whom were looking at him expectantly, as though predicting an answer that would promise business, busyness, engagements and appointments that would keep Ness bound to the shoes of Captain Falcon. "Um…" Then he stood tall, straightened up his back, and pushed out his chest, causing his breasts to bounce slightly as he declared, with a confidence that seemed to project his old self even under the guise of Samus's voice, "of course! Captain Falcon's a very busy man, I'll have you know! Why, in just a couple of minutes, Ness, you'll need to – you'll need to – you'll need to do two hundred push-ups and sit-ups! Yes, very busy, very busy indeed!"

Once again, there was silence; once again, there was muffled laughter, a little bit louder and deeper than the one previous.


A/N: Sorry it took so long guys. All I can say is thank God for spring break.

To people who are requesting other heart swaps: The story's been planned out already, with these four being the main highlight of the plot. Quality, not quantity. Could there be more, of other characters? Maybe. I wouldn't get my hopes up too much, though.

Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess whatever Yoshi has to do for Ness!

And sorry XenoBound, I accidentally burned yours :( I swear I'll have one ready for you next chapter, I promise!