Chapter Four

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"Tell me about the Purge."

He'd had a week, a score of years, even a lifetime to think about this question, but Gaius still did not know where to begin in his answer to Arthur's demand.

He gestured for the King to take a seat at his work table and sat himself across from him.

"It's a time I only remember as darkness," Gaius began. "I know that, much like today, there had to have been beautiful afternoons filled with sun, but to me, everything seems to have happened in the cover of night.

Those with magic have always been hounded through every corner of the five kingdoms, but the early years of the Great Purge… that was different.

I told you I lost the woman I love - do you know how?"

"No," Arthur said.

"There were lists drawn up almost daily. Lists of those to be questioned, your father called them, but that wasn't what they were. They were capture lists, torture lists, execution lists. To be on them was death. It was one thing to watch someone executed for having committed a heinous crime, but to look on as your King - your friend, a man you'd known as a young boy - calmly drew up lists of his own subjects for "removal"… well, I nearly left Camelot then and there."

"Why did you stay?"

"One day, I saw Alice's name on one of the lists. I can still feel the cold wave that washed over me, and I believe I came very near to fainting. But I was with your father in his chambers and he had just stepped to the door to order a servant to bring us the mid-day meal. I had only a second to decide what to do. In that moment, I erased her name from the list with a wave of my hand. It was the first - and only time for the next fifteen years - that I reneged on my promise to him not to use magic.

After the grueling ordeal of working with your father for the rest of day and well into evening, he finally dismissed me and I could do nothing but tear through the streets, running to Alice. I was hardly a young man, but I burst through her door and grabbed her by the arm and told her to start packing whatever she could carry easily. She was confused and shaken and when I told her what she needed to do, she refused. Why should she leave the safety and security of her home? she asked. Why should she leave her patients? Why should she leave just when she and I had finally found happiness together?

I argued and argued, but she would not be moved. She wanted to stand up to Uther, even knowing what she would face. She felt if she openly defied him people would see what was happening and put a stop to it. She wasn't a fool, she knew it was a naïve idea, but it was more acceptable to her than simply running like an animal.

But I loved her, Arthur. So I argued it was better for her to live; that staying alive to fight, or to at least teach others that magic could be used for good, was the best way for all to survive. And when she hesitated to think on what I had said, I further convinced her by telling her I would follow, that we would build a life together somewhere else."

"So why didn't you?" Arthur asked. "Why did you stay?"

"For her. Uther barely knew her and failed to spot that her name was missing from the list. If I stayed, I felt he would more than likely forget about her entirely. However, if I followed, if I left after breaking my agreement with to my King, then he would have been reminded of her existence and would have hunted the both of us down.

As well, I also - perhaps rather arrogantly - thought if I stayed, I might be able to help others. And over the years I did help a few, but what I failed to realize was that to save those few, it meant watching so many others perish. To keep suspicion at bay so that I could act, I had to stand helplessly by as the flames consumed so many of those I knew…"

Gaius broke off, unsure of how to go on. Arthur rose and fetched some wine for the two of them. When the King had sat down once more Gaius continued.

"How can I make you understand those years, Sire? It was a time of constantly walking on eggshells, ever fearful of making a mistake. It was living every minute of the day with a frigid hand grasping your innards so tightly you feared you would be sick. Every night you would lie in bed, ears alert for any sound of pounding feet and ask yourself, 'Will this be the night they come for me?'

It was hatred and terror causing friends to turn on friends. No one could trust anyone else; we lived in a constant state of mutual suspicion, unable to confide in anyone around us, for there was always the chance your neighbours would hand you over to keep the King's guards off of their own doorsteps. Not long after your third birthday, Sire, a woman just down the lane from here - a midwife - was stoned to death by her former patients for 'tainting' their children when she delivered them.

It was being made to feel ashamed of yourself. Sometimes I wonder if Merlin hasn't kept his secret for so long because he sometimes feels like a monster, as though he doesn't deserve to be free. He says nothing, but I have seen the look before.

And more than anything, Arthur, it was the heartbreak of families being torn apart. I don't think I can begin to explain to you the desperation and panic people lived with everyday. The things I've seen, Arthur... People thrust from the only homes they've ever known, left to starve in the woods or freeze on the roads, unable to survive a life they weren't suited for; children run to broken tatters and with their flesh then torn from their bones by the jaws of the King's hounds; a man who beat his wife and three small sons to death with a hammer because his heart had been turned to self-righteous hatred; a woman and her child pulled out of the river because in her horror of learning the girl had magic the only way the mother saw to protect her child was to give the little one a clean death.

People did anything to protect themselves and their loved ones from that - told any lie, denied any relationship. Merlin's own father spent over twenty years running from yours. Even when the man built a new life for himself outside of Uther's kingdom, he was still hunted for what he was. And so he ran again, praying it would protect Merlin's mother. He lived in squalor, completely apart from all other people for years, not even knowing he had a son until a day or two before he died."

"I… I never knew that," Arthur whispered. "Merlin never told me."

"He didn't know himself until he met the man."

"What?"

"Did you think you were the only one who had things kept from him? Times of fear and distrust breed secrets and lies by their very nature. Merlin was never told who his father was because his mother wished to protect him.

Just as he was never told who his uncle was."

Arthur looked up. "His uncle?"

"I am Merlin's uncle, Arthur. Hunith is my sister. Well, half-sister. We were always close, despite the difference in our ages and my living in Camelot. When I would go home on visits, I would give her lessons in reading and writing and when I saved Merlin's father, I sent him to her and she shielded him. And, inevitably, they fell in love. And when he was forced to run and she found herself with child, I did my best to help support them."

"Yet you never told Merlin?"

"Not until after his father died. Then… I don't know. I think perhaps I felt he needed more of a family."

"But why did you keep it a secret in the first place?"

"For the same reason Merlin was never told about his father. Both Merlin's father and I possessed magic and Uther knew. If a blood connection was made to Merlin in either case, your father would have turned a suspicious eye on the boy."

Arthur said nothing for some time. Gaius wondered if he would leave; learning the pain his own father had caused to his people, to his friend, was indeed a brutal truth to have to hear. It was to Arthur's credit that he was dealing with it with so much composure. However, the physician could not help but wonder why Arthur was not demanding to know who Merlin's father was - it could be the young King was not quite ready to take in any more.

"Why is it that you didn't tell me of your connection to Merlin after my father died?" Arthur finally asked.

"Because then you would have wanted to know why we hid it in the first place. Neither of us believed you would have the same reaction as your father, but another aspect of the Purge was hiding from your friends for fear of endangering them. Did you never stop to think, Sire, that the simplest reason Merlin never told anyone his secret was in order to protect them?"

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Think, Arthur," Gaius said, though not unkindly. "Being a sorcerer is a capital crime, but so is harbouring one. The moment Merlin told anyone, it would force an incredibly painful decision upon them. His friends would either be forced to turn him in or find they'd become criminals themselves. How could Merlin, or anyone, burden someone else like that? To force them to decide either to send a friend to their death, or to spend every day living in constant fear for their own lives?"

"I never considered that element of it," Arthur confessed.

Gaius reached out and put his hand on top of Arthur's. "There were so many times he wanted to tell you, not to mention Gwen and Gwaine and all of his friends, so many times when isolation and loneliness were killing him inside, but he always denied himself that comfort because he couldn't live with the thought of putting any of you in danger. To him, it seemed the ultimate act of selfishness for him to put a friend in that situation merely for his own sake. You might or might not disagree with his choice, but can you really fault him for it? And before you answer, think on this: if the situations were reversed, could you have forced a similar decision on him?"

Arthur sighed, shoulders slumping in resignation. "No. No, of course not. But, well, I can understand now why he didn't confide in Gwen and the others, but he still could have come to me. My father would hardly have put his heir on the executioner's block."

Gaius refrained from saying Uther might have, if he'd come to see Arthur as irredeemably polluted by magic. Instead, he explained, "In your case, he didn't want to turn you against your father. And never underestimate the power of that - could you really have hidden this from your father every day and not felt any sorrow? How could Merlin have even felt he could ask, when it comes to that? To his mind, such a thing was far too much to ask even of a brother. And besides, would it really be anyone's first assumption that a son would ally himself against his father to protect his servant?

Not to mention, there was always the chance of your father's enemies in Court, or even your own, finding out. It could have been used against you. The future King breaking Camelot's most entrenched law? It would have been a secret that might have even hindered your eventual ascension to the throne."

Arthur was speechless. "That is also an aspect of this I had never considered," he finally said.

Gauis raised an eyebrow. "Have you considered the political ramifications even now, Sire? You have knowingly harboured a fugitive criminal and an enemy of the Kingdom for over a year. Ruler though you may be, if this gets out it will cause you great difficulties."

"I'm not sure I take your meaning."

Gaius played Devil's advocate, taking Arthur through his reasoning like a schoolmaster catechizing a willful pupil through his daily lesson. "As monarch, legally your power is absolute, but practically, at least for now, you cannot survive without the support of your Lords and other nobles. If they were to discover you had broken the laws of the Kingdom, your position could become precarious."

"I'm certain it would not come to that," Arthur protested, but Gaius could see the wheels beginning to turn in the King's mind.

"Are you? You are a criminal now, Arthur. In your case, your knowledge of what Merlin is, and its consequences, are no longer hypothetical."

"Gaius, no one could seriously think I'm truly a criminal in my own Kingdom. It's preposterous."

"How so? Is there not a law against knowing of a sorcerer and not reporting him?"

"Well, yes, but…" Gaius nearly smiled; by his expression, Arthur knew very well the older man was right, but the full implications were only just now sinking in.

"How would you explain not having Merlin executed to your Lords on Council?"

The King drew himself up. "I would - calmly, but firmly, that is - state how I had been gathering evidence and weighing the best way to handle the situation."

"And do you think that would work? Because - if you'll forgive me for saying so, Sire - you don't sound entirely convinced."

"Of course it would work. It is the truth."

"So the evidence of the King's own eyes is insufficient proof now, and for some reason the basic execution proscribed by law is not applicable? I see."

"Yes, well, I'm sure some sort of explanation could be found. You know, for those particular, uh... issues."

"So you wouldn't say it would weaken your position any? Or shake the peoples' faith in the justness of their King?"

"No."

"Not even if Lord Lesquine were to find out? If he were to learn of this, he would demand you execute Merlin or he would seize on it as an excuse to overthrow you."

"Lesquine can't best me," Arthur said, calmly confident once more. He was on firmer ground with battle strategy than with politics. "He's got neither the support nor the gold enough to buy it in order to make a successful bid for Camelot."

"He wouldn't need to be successful, at least not for the purposes of my argument. Any conflict and all that you have worked for could be lost, perhaps irrevocably. And once the people learn they've been lied to, Merlin's chances of being accepted and free would be greatly jeopardized.

Worse, however, would be that - win or lose - any conflict, especially a civil war, would bring casualties. Your subjects would be hurt or killed in the fighting, while others would be injured in the destruction of their homes. Crops would be burned and people would go hungry.

And all for the life of one man."

Gaius stared Arthur in the eyes, never breaking his gaze. There was no accusation in his tone, but his next question was still a direct shot to the heart of the King. "So can you promise me, Sire, that should this all come out, that you will still be able to keep yourself from executing Merlin? Even when doing so would spare your people great misery?"

There was no need for Arthur to answer. They both knew what he would say.

"Of course, this all depends on if it gets out," the King argued, neatly side-stepping the question by changing tack.

"Keeping the secret puts you in a terrible position, Arthur. Apart from the political pitfalls… well, I shouldn't have to remind you that you're a married man now. Are you going to tell Gwen?"

Arthur was taken aback. "Now there's a problem," he said dryly.

"Indeed. If you refrain, she will be hurt when it is eventually revealed how long you knew and did not tell her. Even before that, it will put a strain on the two of you - and it is a tremendous strain, make no mistake about that, Sire.

However, if you do tell her, if you feel you owe it to her as your wife, then you shift the burden to her. She must keep it secret from her own brother. Say she cannot. She tells Elyan. And then he feels it is only right to tell his brother Knights. After all, Elyan has rekindled his childhood friendship with Leon, and is very close to Percival. And surely Gwaine should know, since he's so protective of Merlin. Maybe Elyan even tells Tristan - after all, he tells himself, it is for Merlin's sake and Tristan is very cunning and a former smuggler. Who would be better at hiding secrets? But then Leon tells his lady. Or Gwaine lets it slip at the tavern. Then where are we?

The best way to keep a secret is to, well, keep the secret. That is yet another reason I always counseled Merlin not to tell anyone.

However, this is contingent on the presumption they're all fine with magic. We cannot know that for certain. Gwen herself might harbour ill-feelings towards it. What if she and Elyan hate magic because of what happened to their father? How do you choose then?"

"Gaius, this speculation is all very well, but you know Gwen. You know she wouldn't do a thing to hurt Merlin. And she can keep a secret."

"So you have decided to tell her?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. But whatever I decide, I know I can trust her."

"How can you promise to keep a secret when you haven't even decided in your heart about whether you are going to tell your wife or not? The idea of telling someone else is already in your mind!"

"Gaius, I can keep a secret. I'm neither a child or a gossipy fishwife."

"Everyone thinks that, Arthur," Gaius said sadly. "But no one can guarantee it. One tale from the bottom of a tankard of ale or mumbled or your sleep, one moment of raving in the midst of a fever, one innocent question overheard by the wrong ears… It doesn't even need words. One look at the wrong moment, one unschooled reaction - that is all it takes."

"I promise, Gaius. No one will tell."

"How can you know for certain, Arthur?" Gaius breath shuddered in his throat, "I did."

"Gaius?"

Tears suddenly pricked at the old physician's eyes and he cursed Time for making him a feeble old man. "I thought I would protect his secret with my life, Arthur! But in the end I betrayed him. I betrayed all of us." He hid his face in his hands and the tears came. "If Alator had not had his own agenda… if Morgana had learned who Merlin truly is…"

Arthur got up and circled around the table to drape a comforting arm across his old friend's shoulders. "What are you saying, Gaius?"

"Sire, you do not understand. It is not just Camelot's laws Merlin has to fear. There are people looking for him!"

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Author's notes: Just want to say thanks again for all of the wonderful reviews!