Disclaimer: Not mine
Author's Note: Christmas time is busy! Sheilalein is beyond awesome, and everyone should tell her so. And thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has been reviewing - you brighten my day!
Elaborate Lies, Chapter 4
"Barney, you might want to speed up the story a little bit. Or make sure that Teddy gets her water refilled," Lily observed.
Teddy shook her head. "Aunt Lily, I've had three drinks. I'm fine. This is just...depressing."
"Yeah," Marshall said in agreement. "I lived this story and I'm still bummed out hearing it."
"Alright," Barney said with a sigh. "So a few months later..."
A shrill ringing sound interrupted him and Teddy, surprised, dug through her purse to produce her phone. "It's Oliver," she said with a grin.
Marshall fumbled with his drink in his excitement, and grabbed Lily's hand. "What did he say? Is he excited? Does he have his clothes all set out? Did you remember to hide his razor?"
Teddy gave him a grin. "He says that he just finished playing a set of Stevie Wonder covers with the band. And that he's excited to get married tomorrow."
The table chorused a series of cooes and Teddy grinned widely as she texted him back. After a moment, her phone trilled again, and she read off the message. "He says that after these stories tonight, he hopes that he'll see me tomorrow but if not, he understands. But he gets all of the reimbursements from the wedding."
"You're still going tomorrow, aren't you?" Lily asked, a shadow of worry passing over her face.
Teddy smiled softly at her. "Of course. I love him." The table erupted with more 'awws' and Teddy grinned wider. "And if anything, you guys are scaring me towards marriage, not away from it."
"Wow, that was so not the point of this," Barney stated, rolling his eyes. "You have not learned anything from us, have you?"
"Oh, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know. But not that one thing that you promised me when this all started."
"Right! So a few months later..."
Lily and Marshall walked up to the booth at MacLarens only to narrowly avoid Barney running frantically away towards the bar. Robin was sitting in the booth, snickering, and Lily and Marshall sat down, looking confused. Barney suddenly reappeared with three shots in hand, threw them on the table, and then ran back to the bar.
"What's up with him?" Marshall said, looking quizzically as Barney dropped off more shots at the table.
Robin continued to snicker. "I told him he has to come to Lamaze classes with me today," she said, now openly laughing. "God, the look on his face alone was worth it."
Lily lit up. "Oh yeah! You're officially in your third trimester now! Are you excited?"
"Gee, am I excited to learn how to push a human being with a head somewhere between the size of a grapefruit and a melon out of my vagina? It's almost comparable to that time I was hunting with my father and I shot at a bear but didn't kill it," Robin snipped.
"All right Marshall, be ready with the telephone and the antifreeze that I put under the booth," Barney panted as he sat down and took two shots into his hands. "And if I blackout, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter who arrests you, it is your job to keep funneling these down my throat."
"If you don't want to have a vaginal birth, why don't you just schedule a C-section?" Lily asked. "Apparently it's the cool thing to do, nowadays."
"She brings up an excellent point, Robin," Barney said, now on his second shot.
"I'm not going to forget my roots!" Robin said indignantly. "Just because I'm a dual citizen doesn't mean that I've become an American, yet."
Barney, now on his third shot, shook his head angrily and turned to Marshall. "Tell her how horrific this is. I mean, the female body is a sacred temple of life and happiness. And seeing a small human coming out of that temple will ruin sex forever for me." Robin narrowed her eyes at him slightly, and Barney started. "With...random, preferably breast enhanced, women," he added quickly.
Lily stared at Marshall. "Is this true?"
Marshall stared at the ceiling, and then took a leisurely look around the room to glance back at Lily. "What was that?"
Lily looked at him, mouth agape. "Are you not excited to watch our child come into the world?"
"Of course I am, baby!" Marshall said, giving Barney a deadly look. He then paused, and sighed deeply. "It's just that I use and enjoy that area, Lily. And now associating it with our children, it's just…it will take some getting used to."
Lily stared down Marshall with a blind fury, and Barney sucked down shot number five. "Celibacy will also take some getting used to," she growled.
"Don't worry, everything eventually just goes numb and you stop missing it," Robin said to Marshall with a shrug while keenly aware of Barney's hand slowly hitching up her skirt under the booth.
"Okay, Barney? I thought what happened during Bros Time on the roof stayed at Bros Time on the roof," Marshall shot at him angrily.
Barney looked up at him with heavy eyelids and wobbled slightly in his seat. "I have no idea what is even going on right now."
"Why is this on our couch?" Ted asked, poking a comatose Barney who was splayed across the couch and snoring.
"That got way drunk at MacLaren's last night and was incapable of standing, let alone hailing a cab," Robin responded, munching on a bowl of macaroni and cheese drizzled in ketchup.
"Oh. And ewww. What are you eating?"
"Something delicious," Robin said with a sly smile. She took a spoonful and shoved it into Ted's face. "You want some, don't you?"
"God, you and your cravings, which have just gotten more disgusting, by the way, as your spawn gestates," Ted said, turning his nose up at the dripping macaroni and cheese and playfully pushing her arms away. He found himself too close to her face, and he gave her a small, longing smile.
Robin pushed herself away from him. "Wow Ted, you have got to lay off on the pressure."
"Oh, come on, Robin," Ted groaned. "Can't we talk about this at all? Why is this so hard to even have a conversation about?"
"Because it's awkward, Ted, and I am not at all ready to have a conversation about it with you right now," Robin said definitively.
"Will you ever be ready?"
The two were interrupted by Barney sitting straight up, bedraggled and half asleep, squinting at Robin. "That smells incredible," Barney rasped, and then face planted back into the couch cushion.
Before Ted could turn back to Robin, she had disappeared into her bedroom.
"I keep getting all this baby stuff," Robin groaned into the phone a few days later as she kicked a jumper across her room.
"Me too," Barney said, looking, disgruntled, at a bassinet that had been sent to him from his secretary and was currently sitting in the middle of his living room. "Babies are needy."
"I wonder how big my downstairs storage space is," Robin wondered out loud. "I mean, I won't need this stuff for another two months, and right now it's just taking up space."
"I was thinking of making this crib thing into an add-on for the sex swing," Barney said, experimentally rocking the bassinet, deep in thought.
"Wow, that's kind of gross," Robin agreed, dunking the Oreo in her hand into cup of olive oil that she had balanced on her belly. "So I'll meet you in two hours?"
"I thought your class wasn't until four?" Barney asked, confused.
"It is at four," Robin said, her voice dropping seductively.
"Ah," Barney responded, a smile slowly spreading across his face. "Then I definitely will see you in two hours."
Robin smiled to herself, and shook her head. "I can't believe you're still up for this."
"Please. Two words: Porn tits. And think about that thing we did two nights ago and then ask me that again."
She felt a flush spread across her cheeks and down between her legs. "You may have a point."
Robin stood awkwardly in the middle of what appeared to be a yoga studio as women and their partners grabbed mats and chitchatted with other couples. Someone tapped on her shoulder, and she turned to see a shorter, young woman about her age and about eight months along looking absolutely relieved to see her. "Are you Robin?" she asked furtively.
"Yeah! You must be Katie. Becky told me to look out for you here."
"Oh my God, you have no idea how glad I am to meet you. Another three minutes with all of these couples and their annoying chit-chat I might have thrown up," Katie said, fanning herself with the class handouts.
Robin grinned. "You know, I never thought I would say this, but Becky was right. We just might get along."
Katie smiled. "Don't get me wrong, Becky is absolutely crazy, and I could murder her for being so peppy all of the time. But she's also one of the nicest people alive."
"I know," Robin responded. "When my job was up for review she really worked hard to make sure I stayed at the station. So I guess she's…not so bad." Robin scanned the room quickly. "So where's your partner for today?" she asked.
Katie held up a fun noodle and sighed. "I got knocked up in a gym bathroom by a guy I played against in recreational co-ed soccer, so…no partner for me. God, I cannot tell you how many times since then I wished I had been on birth control. Do you have a partner here?"
She then turned to the doorway to see Barney peaking around the corner and into the space. "Yeah, he just is a big she-male. Excuse me." She sighed and marched towards him. "Okay, get in here."
"No way!" Barney hissed.
"Okay, seriously, get in here."
"Robin! There's no way I'm going in there. Do you know," his voice dropped down to a whisper, "Do you know how many women in there I've slept with?"
"Well that's your problem, not mine."
"No, you don't understand. That girl over in the corner? Thinks I'm in Geneva, working with the scientists who create antimatter, like in "Angels and Demons". That woman with the hairy man? Thinks that I died of a chronic disease."
"Well, if you play your cards right, she still might have a chance to put flowers on your grave," Robin growled.
"Robin!" Barney squealed.
"No! You promised that you would be here to pad my humiliation at having to pant openly in front of other people. And if you back out now I will show you how good I am with shooting moving targets."
Barney groaned and banged his head against the wall. A young blond girl, clearly far along in her pregnancy, walked past Barney, then doubled back. "Buzz Aldrin?" she asked, staring openly at him. Barney begrudgingly turned to meet her gaze. "I thought you were going on a three year trip to the Mars space station, maybe never to return?"
Robin smiled and pulled Barney towards the door by his wrists. "He may go, yet."
"So how was class?" Marshall asked as Barney sat down heavily in the booth next to Ted.
Barney didn't respond. Instead, he fell face forward into the table and groaned. Marshall nodded in understanding and waved to Wendy the Waitress for a scotch.
Ted gave an equally pathetic groan. "I just…I can't believe Zoey would act like this. I mean, we broke up. It wasn't working. We talked about it. So why do I keep getting weed mailed to me and then find police officers with dogs sniffing around at my door?"
"I mean, Ted, you did break up with her while out on a dinner date. And right before Christmas," Lily said with a shrug. "I might sic weed sniffing dogs on you, too."
"But how else could I have done it? I had to break up with her – it was unfair of me to keep dating her when I knew my…heart was elsewhere." Ted sighed. "I don't know what to do."
Marshall and Lily exchanged looks. "Ted, you certainly have had your fair share of relationship experiences, but there is one technique you have yet to master," Marshall said, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Four magic, mystical words that can mean the difference between happiness and eternal damnation."
Ted furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Marshall quizzically. "I have no idea what you are talking about."
"'You're right, I'm sorry,'" Marshall said simply. "Now, you have to be discrete with the use of these words. You cannot say them just to end an argument, nor in a fit of melodrama. But when used correctly, they have the ability to curtail even the staunchest argument. Observe."
Marshall and Lily turned towards each other, clearing their throats. "Marshall, dear," Lily began, putting on a terribly fake acting voice. "I have such a problem with the fact that you do not want to see our child's birth."
"Lily, dear," Marshall said, putting on the same voice. "It would bother me to watch a small human come out of the orifice that I most enjoy."
"But Marshall, love," Lily said, her fake acting voice taking on more of a growl. "We have been trying for so long to have our baby, and it hurts my feelings that you would want to leave me alone in all of that pain."
"But Lily, sweetums," Marshall growled back, "I really just want to wait in waiting room, pacing, with a cigar, like husbands used to do."
"But Marshall, schookums," Lily seethed, "You may be upset if you miss this moment in our child's life. I also may never have intercourse with you ever again."
"But LILY, SUCCUBI," Marshall screamed. "IT MAY BE NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM SEX WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAVE RIDDEN ME LIKE A PRIZED STALLION FOR THE PAST MONTH."
"I WOULD NOT USE THE TERM PRIZED!" Lily screamed back.
Ted and Barney shrank back into their seats. Lily and Marshall continued to stare angrily at one another for a full minute. Then the couple turned to Ted as though nothing had happened.
"Now watch," Marshall said. He turned back to Lily. "You're right, I'm sorry," he began, taking her hands in his and sighing deeply. "I really should be present for the birth of our child, no matter what I'm afraid of."
"No, you're right, and I'm sorry," Lily said in return. "I understand that watching our child be born might make you uncomfortable."
"So let's compromise," Marshall said, earnestly. "I'm comfortable with being in the room, maybe near your head, and holding your hand, but I do not want to actually want to see…the other end."
"I think that sounds just fine," Lily said with a smile. "I really just wanted you there for support."
They both turned back to Ted. "See?" Marshall asked. "'You're right, I'm sorry,' validates your partner and opens up the conversation to compromise. It's the perfect way to solve an issue."
"But you just seemed so mad," Ted said, quivering.
"You kind of just…realize that you care about the other person more than you feel a need to be right," Lily explained. "It feels good, too!"
No one spoke for a minute. Then Barney looked up at both of them in awe. "You two must have an awesome sex life," he appraised.
Robin took this moment to amble up to the booth and plopped down on the chair. "Women are bitches," she growled angrily.
"Yeah, they are," Ted agreed, throwing his hand up for a high five.
Robin slapped his hand firmly, then went back to sulking. "So I stayed after class for a while to talk to that girl Katie, and I heard these married women making all sorts of terrible remarks about how unsavory it is to have unmarried pregnant women in their class and how they feel so bad for us. I mean, who died and made them our moral superiors?" She took a long drag of Lily's water. "Married women."
"Yeah, psh," Marshall agreed. "Married women."
"You watch your mouth," Lily growled.
"You're right I'm sorry, you're right I'm sorry!" Ted and Barney shouted in unison, both looking terrified at Marshall and Lily's mounting argument.
Barney leaned over Robin's back, panting, before briefly planting a kiss on her spine and pulling away. "That was like, a one hundred and seventeen out of ten," he breathed heavily.
"Yeah it was," Robin said with a big smile. "Way to break our previous record, by the way,"
"What record was that?" Barney asked.
"We were at this for like, three hours!" Robin said, gesturing to the clock. "I feel like…that pizza delivery guy in that Future…something show that Ted's into. I think that seasons came and went."
"Yeah, they did," Barney said with a porny grin. "Stamina high five!" Their hands met in the air and stayed there for a few minutes, and they both collapsed laughing.
Robin got out of bed and began to put her clothes back on, and Barney looked at her from the bed. "Stay!" he blurted suddenly. Robin stared at him, confused, and he cleared his throat loudly. "I mean, you know, you don't have to go all the way back to your apartment before work. Just hang out here until you have to leave."
Robin looked at him, tilting her head in thought. "It would be kind of awesome to not have to explain to Ted where I was at all hours of the night. But three hours of sex, Barney, means that I am in desperate need of a shower."
Barney opened him mouth in mock offense. "Robin Sherbatsky, I am gravely offended that you would have forgotten my very own shower from earlier tonight. I mean, the thing with the shower head alone, am I right? I even have a second towel from when we were…you know, when…" he then trailed off, and both of them were suddenly caught in an extremely awkward silence. "Yeah," Barney drawled, squinting his eyes shut in frustration and pounding his fist against his forehead.
"Yeah," Robin responded, looking at him nervously. "Well, I'll see you later, alright?" she called as she walked towards the door.
"Bye!" Barney called as he heard the door close. "Idiot," he murmured to himself.
Robin walked up the steps of her apartment building only to run straight into Marshall on his way out.
"Wow…Marshall!" Robin stuttered nervously. "Wow. Like, so weird to bump into you here!"
"Ummmm…" Marshall began hesitantly. "I don't think it's a weird for me as it is for you. What are you doing out so late at night, by the way?"
"Well, so good to see you!" Robin called, ignoring him, before trying to push by him to her apartment door.
Marshall stood for a moment before gasping loudly and pointing vehemently at Robin. Robin's eyes widened into saucers and then she ran up to Marshall to slap a hand over his mouth just as he began to yell out.
"Okay, whatever you're going to scream, you're not going to scream it here, alright?" Robin hissed dangerously. "You're going to wait until we get to the stoop, and then you are going to say whatever it is you're going to say in a normal tone of voice. On pain of death, Marshall," she stated, tightening her grip over his mouth. "On pain of death. And you've seen me at the shooting range, Marshall. You know what that means."
Terrified, Marshall nodded, and allowed Robin to lead him out to the stoop. Glaring, Robin slowly loosened her grip over his mouth.
"I call slut," Marshall whispered angrily.
"Marshall…" Robin began.
"Are you and Barney back together?" he shot angrily.
"No! No. It's just...sex." Robin said, crossing her arms defensively.
Marshall ran his hands through his hair, agitated. "I don't understand this. I don't want to know this. How can you just…sleep with Barney? And Ted told me about asking you out and you saying that you had to think about it. It's just…" Marshall sighed, exasperated. "What are you doing?"
Robin opened her mouth to respond, then sighed and lowered herself onto the stoop. She started to sniffle and Marshall, his face softening, sat down next to her.
"Oh…don't cry," he said, pulling a bar napkin out of his pocket and handing it to her. "I had this whole righteous speech in my head that I wanted to give to you, and I just can't do that when you're sad."
Robin sniffled louder. "I don't know what I'm doing, Marshall!" she cried. "I just…I'm pregnant, and I'm confused, and I'm scared, and I'm horny all the time…"
Marshall nodded with a sly smile. "Oh yeah. I'm familiar with the phenomenon."
"And Ted's Ted, only now Ted is Ted-ing out and maybe he's right, maybe I have changed and maybe in a way that means we can date again and make it work, but that means signing on to more than just this kid, it also means signing on to a house and family and going to Cleveland every Christmas and wearing matching jogging suits and picking out ugly china, and that really scared me. And Barney, well, Barney's just…" Robin paused her tirade to sniff.
Marshall nodded understandingly. "Not Ted," he finished for her.
Robin sighed. "But it's more than that. He's...Barney. And…God. This time you're right. I am a slut."
Marshall put a hand around her shoulders. "Nah. I mean, yeah, but it's because you're pregnant, and confused, and scared, and…horny."
She sniffed again and dabbed at her eyes with the napkin. "I know you don't have the greatest track record with this stuff, but…please don't tell anyone about this, alright?"
"I cannot keep this secret!" Marshall exclaimed. "Every night I go to sleep next to Lily I'll just feel guilty. And I'll do the nervous stuttering thing, and she'll bat her beautiful eyes and take off her shirt and I'll be singing like a canary."
"Marshall, please?"
Marshall sighed. "I promise not to tell if you promise to figure this out," he stated. She looked down at the stoop with watering eyes, nodding guiltily. Marshall continued. "Look, I know this is a tough time for you, but at the same time…this is really uncool, to Ted and to Barney. So just…think about it."
"Wow, are you Robin?" one of the married women in the Lamaze class asked her during a break. "It's so nice to meet you!"
"Yeah, really! We watch your show, like, religiously," another married woman called out from across the room.
Robin looked at both of them quizzically. "Uh, thanks." She turned to Katie and Barney who were both sitting next to her. "That was weird, right?"
"Totally," Katie said, giving the women the same strange look. Barney just started to chuckle evilly to himself.
Robin stared at him angrily. "What did you do?" she hissed angrily, but Barney just continued to chuckle.
Katie straightened her back in a desperate attempt to stretch it out. "Can you let me use him today?" she asked, gesturing to Barney. "My back hurts and I'm tired of the fun noodle."
"You can use me any day, baby," Barney said in his trademark sultry tone, throwing out a half smile.
Katie burst out laughing, and Robin rolled her eyes. "Seriously? At Lamaze class?" she shot at him.
The instructor stepped up to the front of the room to begin class again. "Now I need everyone take a deep breath in and relax…"
"Armani sweatpants, Armani sweatpants!" Barney began to shriek as he skittered away from Robin's mat. Clear liquid was suddenly pooling around Katie, who was awkwardly trying to stand up, and both she and Robin exchanged a look of abject horror.
"What's going on?" the instructor asked, calling to the back of the room.
"I think my water just broke." Katie squeaked. "Shit."
"Are you sure that's all the drugs you can give me?" Katie asked the nurse as she panted through another contraction. "I still feel everything bad that's going on down there."
The nurse nodded. "Well, we need you to be able to feel it, so you can push when the time is right," she said, bending over to check the baby's vital signs.
"Any chance I might need a C-section? Don't they numb you all the way down for that?" Katie asked, finally relaxing after the contraction.
"Young lady, a C-section is major surgery," the nurse chided. "If you don't need it, than you won't have it."
"Wow, she was cranky," Robin whispered as the nurse left the room.
Katie sighed. "Maybe she should try some of these drugs. Might knock that stick right out of her butt." She scanned the room quickly. "Hey, where's Barney?"
"Is it happening?" he called from behind the curtain that separated the room from a view to the hallway.
Robin rolled her eyes. "Barney, it's not going to happen for another hour or so. Get out here."
Barney peeked around the curtain momentarily, then experimentally entered the room. He was suddenly drawn to the table of tools that the nurses had begun to set up to prepare for the birth. "Wow, giant salad tongs," he said, gesturing to the forceps. "What do you think these are for?" Katie whimpered as another contraction hit her and Robin glared at Barney, who shrugged innocently.
An hour later, the nurses began to flood the room, and the resident on duty began to don sterile clothing. Katie, sweating and panting, suddenly grabbed Robin's hand. "Look, I know this is the last thing in the world that you want to do, but can you stay in here with me?"
Robin looked at her as though she were a deer caught in the headlights.
"Robin, I'm alone. And I'm absolutely terrified. And I think I'll go crazy if it's just me and the doctor and my impending motherhood. Please, please do this?"
Robin sighed and looked down to stare at the floor, then grabbed Katie's hand. "You owe me like, big time." she groaned as she took a seat on a stool next to Katie's head.
Barney looked at them both, his face a white sheet. "So I'm just going to…" he started, gesturing to the door.
"I'll come and get you afterwords," Robin said, but Barney was already out the door.
Barney sat out in the waiting room, emphatically playing a Tetris game on his cell phone. Robin, shell-shocked, walked out from the double doors of the delivery room and sat heavily next to him, staring off into space.
A few moments later, Barney stood up, arms raised and danced around in front of Robin. "What now? Look who just beat your all time highest score! I'm-more-awesome-than-you high five! That's where I say I'm going to high five you, and don't." Robin gave him a tired smile, and Barney sat down again, looking at his hands. "So was it…"
Robin breathed. "It was disgusting. Scarring. Terrifying. And strangely…moving."
Barney looked at her strangely. "Moving? Are we in a Lifetime movie now?"
Robin smiled softly at him. "It's just…I don't really know how to describe it, it was just this…really cool, yet nauseating, experience. I mean, she was screaming, and the kid looked like an alien after it came out, and I found out what those salad tongs were for, by the way, but after they cleaned him up and set him in her arms it was just…"
"Aww, a baby boy?" Barney cooed, his voice jumping up an octave. "I want to see the baby boy."
Robin smiled and led him into Katie's room, where they found Katie curled up on the bed with the baby in her arms. "Hi," she whispered to them, "He just opened his eyes but I don't think it will be for long."
Barney walked up to the pair carefully and bent down to see the baby's face. "Oh my God!" he gasped. "He's so tiny! Really, how can people even be this tiny?"
Katie gave him a tired smile. "This is Michael. My beautiful, beautiful, already a pain in my ass, son."
Barney looked up at Robin. "I don't know, I feel like someone should…get him a present, or something."
Robin rolled her eyes. "Barney, you might not realize this, but it usually is customary to give a gift to a new baby."
"I wonder how small they make suits?" Barney wondered out loud. Katie shot Robin a confused glance, to which Robin just rolled her eyes.
Barney walked out of the gift shop with the biggest gorilla that they had available, and Robin laughed harder than she had in a long time. "Now that will just scare him."
"Oh, come on! It's awesome! He can pretend to be Tarzan or whatever other awesome things he'd want to play." He paused. "Although Tarzan didn't wear a suit, so it's going to be kind of problematic." He looked at her for a long moment, almost appreciatively, and then put on that dashing half smile. "And speaking of not wearing suits, I'm think that family bathroom over there locks…" he stated huskily.
Robin looked hard at him and, after a minute, touched his hands. "Look, can we talk for a minute?"
Both of them sat down at a table in the food court, and Barney sat the stuffed gorilla in a third chair. "Look, this has been…kind of an eye opening experience for me. I mean, this is going to be me in two months. Me. I'm going to be the one grunting and publicly defecating,"
"Ewww," Barney snarled.
"And sitting there with a tiny, tiny, child, which will be depending on me for everything. And I realized that I just…I don't have the luxury of being uncommitted anymore. I can't just do anything I want, especially when I'm, I don't know, scared or confused, and think it's responsible to him…or her. So I think, maybe, we should stop doing whatever it is that we're doing."
Barney looked at her, heartbroken. "Robin…"
"No, look, it's just," Robin interrupted, "You and I gave it a good try before, and it didn't work. We were miserable together. And when I told you about this you ran and locked yourself in a bathroom. And it really sucked for me."
Barney looked at her sadly, and then, a look of realization dawned over his face, and he gave a small smile. "You know what, you're right. And I'm sorry."
Robin took his hand in hers. "You know what, it's in the past. And I'm sorry I brought it up, because you already made that up to me. But still, Barney, I mean, can we still keep up this having sex secretly with a kid in our lives? A kid that needs stability and would want to know why his mom and his dad aren't together but they always lock the door to the bedroom when they visit one another? You and I can't be together in a real way, and as much as I really don't want to stop having sex with you…" She looked him in the eye, then stared at the floor, "I don't think this can go on like this. It's just going to get complicated, and it's going to be more complicated the longer we wait to break it off."
Barney stared at the floor and pulled the stuffed gorilla into his lap, painting a tableau that hitched Robin's breath for a moment. He then looked up at her again. "Robin, I…I still lo…you know…" He sighed, and stared at the floor, dejected. "So you don't want to have sex in the bathroom?"
Robin smiled and laughed, shaking her head. "Are you upset?"
"Nah," Barney said, scuffing his shoe on the floor. "I mean, I will have to start going to the gym more regularly," he joked, getting another smile from Robin. "But seriously. Bros first, right?"
"Right on," Robin agreed with a smile. She pulled Barney into a hug, who held her tightly, momentarily putting his hand on the back of her head. "So let's go give Michael his first nightmare," she said, picking up the gorilla by the hand and beginning down the hall. Barney sat in his chair for a moment longer, staring thoughtfully into his hands, before standing up to join her.
"I love watching other people work," Robin said, sitting down next to Lily on her and Ted's couch with a bowl of ice cream and hot sauce.
Marshall grunted as he stared at the pieces of the mobile scattered around him. "You know, I think that these were originally torture devices that were meant to eventually drive captives mad."
"Oh, put your back into it," Lily chided, making a face at Robin's concoction.
"Barney you have to move your foot, or else it's not going to…" came Ted's voice from the hall.
"Well, you have to turn it, like…Owww! My poor shoe, it's scuffed," Barney responded vehemently.
"Oh grow up and push…that way…" Ted and Barney suddenly appeared in the apartment, grunting as they pushed a boxed bassinet into the apartment and let it drop in the middle of the floor.
"Uh, Ted, the baby can't sleep there," Robin said with a grin. "You'll keep him up all night with your Lifetime Marathons."
"Oh, come on, I don't…" Ted began, embarrassed. "Look, it was just that one movie…"
Barney snickered at him evilly. "Busted," he said pointing at Ted.
"Shut up. And go downstairs and get the rest of the stuff that you bought out of my car before someone steals it."
Still laughing, Barney ran out of the apartment, and Ted went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Robin followed him, putting her bowl into the sink.
"Please," Ted asked, staring at the bowl in disgust. "Please wash that. Immediately."
"Oh, keep your panties on," Robin said, swatting him with a dishrag. She found herself staring at him as he walked away, and she took a deep breath. "Oh, and Ted?" she called. Ted turned and walked back to the kitchen. "I'll go out to dinner with you."
Ted's face completely lit up. "Are you serious? This is awesome! I'll make a reservation at…"
"If you take me to that place with the blue French horn I leave my dishes unwashed on your bed."
"Duly noted. But hey," He squeezed her hands gently, "I'm really happy you changed your mind."
"I kind of want to kick Uncle Ted in the shin right now," Teddy said, sighing.
"Me? I did nothing wrong in this situation!" Ted said indignantly. "If anything you should kick your mother. Or Barney."
"Hey!" both Barney and Robin yelled.
"Oh, I want to kick their shins, too, but it's just…it's just so easy to be mad at you in this story. I mean, you're the other guy getting in between the two main characters. If this were a Disney movie, you would be dressed in black and would have a secret laboratory in the basement of your castle and would also be plotting to take over the world."
"Seriously," Barney said, shaking his head, "What are kids watching nowadays?"
"And Dad, why couldn't you just tell Mom then how you felt?" Teddy asked earnestly.
Barney opened his mouth and shut it again quickly, then looked at Robin, who cocked her eyebrows. "Because she told me not to!" Barney blurted quickly, pointing at Lily.
Lily gasped in indignation. "I told you that because I thought you weren't ready to be together. If I had known that you said 'You're right, I'm sorry' to Robin, I would have been sprinkling rose petals on your sheets."
"Barney, come on," Marshall scoffed. "I know you well enough to know that when you want something, only you can stop yourself. I mean, you ran the New York Marathon just to make a point. So there had to be something else getting in your way."
Teddy looked at Barney strangely. "Were you scared?"
Barney stared aghast at Marshall and Teddy. "There is nothing that gets in the way of the Barnacle," he stated firmly. "And I laugh heartily at fear before kicking in the face and stealing its lunch money." Robin smiled softly and kissed him on the cheek, and he turned to smile at her.
"See," Teddy said. "This is what I want to hear about. Romantic smooching. Not whatever you were doing in locked rooms when no one else knew."
"Well, you're in luck! I think we go to the Hywet Ballroom next," Lily said with a grin.
"The Last Great Party," Ted and Marshall breathed at the same time, reaching across the table to fist bump one another. Barney and Robin rolled their eyes, and Teddy clapped her hands happily.
"So what did you do to those women to make them be so nice to Mom?" Teddy asked suddenly.
Barney stared at her thoughtfully. "I'll tell you when you're older," he said finally.
