Chapter 3
Freedom
Nothing really changed between the Marauders and me since my talk with James last week, except that, there was no one waiting for me outside Arithmancy to walk me to my next class. There was no one inside Arithmancy who wanted to walk with me either; the damage had already been done with Ben. And James, though I could tell it was killing him on the inside, had stopped asking me where I was going every time I walked away. I often felt so bad for him, that I offered up my destination anyways. Oh well. At least Remus was talking to me again, and that alone was well worth it.
I was finding it harder and harder to sleep at night; the nightmares were getting worse. I had resorted to spending all my extra time doing homework or reading to get ahead in class. My philosophy was that if I tired myself out enough then my mind would be too tired to have any nightmares. It hadn't worked so far, but I wasn't giving up. And no one seemed to notice, or mind, the circles that were forming under my eyes.
I was sitting alone in my dorm room, tucked behind my bed curtains reading through my Potions book when Lily and the other girls in our dorm came in. A pair of feet marching across the dorm, back and forth, back and forth, told me that Lily was pacing, and I knew that Lily only paced when she was mad.
I suspected she had seen James with his new girl friend, Elizabeth Cromwell. Lizzy was a fifth year Hufflepuff. They had only just started seeing each other today. James did this sort of thing all the time. He'd date a girl for awhile, about a month usually, and then when he finally grew bored they'd "agree" to see other people and James would go back to pestering Lily for a date. What I didn't understand, is why Lily would always get so upset with James for it. I mean, the girls he dated all knew what they were getting into. They knew it wouldn't last long, and nine times out of ten they went on to live perfectly normal lives dating other guys. So, what was Lily's problem?
Lily continued to pace and I continued to hide behind my curtains.
"Come on Lil, you knew this was going to happen." That was Amelia speaking; she was one of Lily's closest friends.
"Yea Lils, James does this all the time. It's nothing new," Emma added.
"That doesn't make it right!" Lily fired back.
"Look Lily, the girls all know what he's doing when he asks them out. And he's really very nice when it comes to ending things." That was Emma again; she had been "one of the girls" about three years ago.
Lily huffed and continued her pacing. The other girls remained quiet. I could go back to reading in peace.
Add the powdered root of asphodel and heat gently over a low flame.
Stir counterclockwise six times.
Carefully sprinkle de-ionized water over the simmering powder.
In a separate flask, prepare the wormwood.
"That bloody Potter!" Lily shouted.
My heart stopped.
"I can't believe him!"
I gently let out the breath that I was holding while Lily continued to rant. I guess I couldn't go back to reading in peace.
"That filthy bloody git!" Lily shouted again. "How can girls like him? He's so…so… so arrogant!"
"And really cute," Emma defended.
"And funny," Amelia added.
"Not to mention, very sweet."
"Potter is not sweet," Lily argued. "He's far from it. The git only thinks of himself. He doesn't really care for anyone or anything."
"That's not true!" I said.
The room became unmistakably quiet. Lily stopped her pacing suddenly. The girls' breath caught in their throats. All time seemed to freeze. Even the wind and the rain outside ceased their attack on the window. The girls had no idea that I was there. I faltered in my conviction. I had already given my position away; there was no hiding now. I pulled the bed curtains back and stared out at the gaping girls.
"That's not true," I said again, my voice wavering.
Lily glowered at me with her arms folded over her chest, red hair shimmering like fire, lips pursed into a firm line that would have given Professor McGonagall a challenge. I laid my book down and stood to my feet. My knees wobbled as I slowly approached her. I tried to match her intensity. Fortunately we were the same height, so that made the attempt a little easier.
"What did you say?" Lily asked severely.
"You're wrong. James does care about people," I said.
"Really? Name one person James cares about more than himself?"
"I can give you seven. James cares about Peter, Remus, Sirius …" I ticked each person off on my fingers, "…Fleamont, Euphemia, me... and you."
Lily huffed.
"You see, James cares about his family," I continued.
"I am not his family," Lily retorted.
"In his dreams you are and that's reason enough for him. Family is the most important thing to James. He'd do anything for them. He'd die for them. The relation doesn't even have to be blood, I mean look at me. I have no family really; just James and his parents and he'd do anything to protect me.
"So I'll say it again Lily; you're wrong. James does care about people other than himself, more than you know." I stared resolutely at Lily; she stared resolutely back. Her arms remained folded across her chest while mine were steady by my side. We stared, unblinking, at one another; our fury was matched glare for glare. At last Lily huffed and rolled her eyes.
"Whatever," she said as she marched to the bathroom and slammed the door closed behind her.
I stared after her. What did James see in her anyways? I pushed my way past Amelia and Emma, and walked down the stairs to the common room where I joined Remus on one of the couches.
XXX
"Help me, please somebody!" a fragile voice called out into the smoky night.
I looked around me. Once again I was alone, standing on a hillside surrounded by a forest. In front of me sat the burning house and, in it, the trapped girl. She was leaning out the second floor window. Her dark grey hair fell about her face covered in ash. She locked my eyes in her pleading gaze; her blue eyes were pale and tired. Her lips trembled as she spoke.
"Please Kate, help me."
I pulled out my wand and muttered, "Aguamenti." Nothing happened. I tried again, still nothing. I tried another spell and there was no reaction. Maybe if I could just get inside then I could lead her out to safety in my Animagus form. I tried transforming. Nothing happened. My magic was failing me.
The young girl was still crying out for help. I knew I had to do something. I tried approaching the burning house. The immense heat emanating from the fire was too intense. I couldn't breathe. The smoke swam around me, engulfing me completely. My vision was clouded. My lungs were restricted. The young girl continued to cry for help, but I was helpless to help her.
"Help me, please somebody!" I called out into the smoky night, but there was no one there to help.
XXX
I sprang up in bed, haunted by another nightmare.
XXX
8 October 1976
I sat alone at a table in the back corner of the library, near the restricted section. It had now been a whole month, to the day, since I sorted things out with James. I had already managed to read, entirely, through all my school books, so I had resorted to reading really long and boring books from the library. I was still trying to tire my mind enough to sleep.
My head, resting in the palm of my hand, began to bob as my eyes fluttered closed. I was suddenly standing once again on the hillside. The one place I didn't want to be, but the one place I couldn't avoid in my sleep. I could hear the young girl call my name; I tried to pull myself away. What was the point of even trying to save her when I knew I couldn't?
"Kate…" the girl called out. "Kate…"
This time I felt a pull on my arm. That was new. The pull came harder this time and I was suddenly jerked awake. I took in my surroundings, and saw that Remus was standing in front of me, his hand on my arm which was stretched out over the table. I sat up as he took the seat across from me.
"I believe your bed in the dorm is a little softer than that book," Remus said with a smile.
"Yeah, probably. I think a bag of nails would be softer than the book was." I smiled back. There was a moment's pause as Remus studied me from across the table.
"Are you feeling alright Kate? You look exhausted."
Oh damn! "Yea, I'm fine," I lied. "They're just really loading us down with a lot of homework."
"Right. I understand." He nodded knowingly.
"What about you?" I asked. "How are you doing?"
"I've been better," he said with a sigh.
And in truth, he had. Remus looked pale and sickly; his eyes were slightly bloodshot, and he was looking a little hairier than usual. It was then that I recalled that the full moon was this weekend. This was perfect! What better way to tire my mind than through physical exertion? James couldn't say no because of the promise he had made. So all I had to do was convince Remus…I reached across the table and laid my hand over his, soothingly.
"So," I began as casually as possible. "James has been doing a lot better at the 'no smothering' thing than I thought he'd be doing."
"He is isn't he?" Remus agreed.
"Yea, I thought it would take a lot longer for him to actually get the hang of it."
An awkward silence passed.
"How do you like your new freedom?" Remus asked.
"Eh-" I shrugged. "Nothing's really changed that much."
"Except that I don't see you as often," he said solemnly.
I ducked my head shyly. "Like I said, I have a lot of homework."
"We have the same homework Kate."
"Except Astronomy and Arithmancy," I added and Remus nodded.
Another awkward silence passed between us. Why was it suddenly so hard to talk to him?
"So," I said again. "I've been thinking, since James has this new outlook now, that maybe I could go with you this time."
"Go with me where?" he asked puzzled.
"You know… this weekend, when you…visit your mum." His face grew whiter as he realized what I was asking. "I think you'd find that I would be of use. I'm really fast; faster than James or Sirius, and I'm only slightly smaller than Sirius is. I have excellent vision, and I can climb. They can't climb."
"Climb?"
"Yes, the trees. I'm very agile. I could provide the bird's-eye-view."
"I don't think that's such a good idea, Kate. James wouldn't like it," Remus said shaking his head.
"James doesn't control me anymore. He can't say no. He promised to back off," I countered.
"Back off yes, but let you walk head first into danger?"
"I won't be going into danger. You're not…"
"Yes, Kate, I am!" Remus said sharply, cutting me of. He continued on a softer note. "If something were to go wrong, if something happened to you Kate, I…" His sentence trailed off.
"Remus, please…" I nearly begged.
"The answer is 'No' Kate," he said with a since of finality. "It's for your own good."
I was suddenly furious. I slammed the book I was reading shut, and rose fiercely to my feet.
"I don't need James' or your protection! I can look after myself!" I yelled. I left the book on the table and stormed out of the library.
'It's for your own good.' I can't believe he said that! That he had the nerve to even think about saying it. My own good? Who was he to determine what was for my own good? I brushed past the various students that were in the corridors, not paying attention to any of the faces or the robes they wore. Golden sunlight streamed in through the windows that I passed. The sun was beginning to set. It was the perfect time for a good run.
I walked out into the front lawn while the other students were just beginning to make their way inside for dinner. I wasn't hungry. I was in no mood to be around anybody at the moment. I needed the time to myself to think things over. I stalked determinedly towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
"Kate please," Remus called out.
Great! The one time I didn't want him chasing after me.
"Piss off Lupin!" I yelled over my shoulder. I was really mad.
"Kate!" He caught me by the arm, halting me in my tracks. "Kate please, calm down."
"Don't tell me what to do!"
"I'm not, I'm asking. Please Kate, come back inside. Come have dinner with me."
I stared unfaltering over his shoulder at the dark forest, refusing to meet his eye.
"Come on Kate, please." His voice was soft and tender. My eyes stung with anger. Remus followed my eyes to the forest. "You don't want to go in there Kate. It's not safe."
That was the last straw! I ripped my arm free of his grasp and looked him firmly in the eye.
"Try and stop me," I challenged. Before Remus could protest further, I transformed and sprinted into forest. I could hear him swearing in the spot where I left him.
XXX
It felt like I had been running for hours, never actually going too far into the forest, before I returned to the edge of the trees where I had entered. The sun had disappeared from the sky and the moon and stars had taken over. I studied the castle, and could see very few lights on. I guessed that it was either very near curfew or it had already past. I knew I had to get back inside before the front doors were locked, or I would have to sleep outside.
I prowled to the entrance and placed a front paw on the great oak door. I pushed ever so lightly and felt a great rush of relief as the door gave way. I squeezed through the smallest hole possible, and pushed the door closed behind me. I wasn't ready to go to the dorm yet, so I made my way to the Astronomy Tower. I was careful to stick to the shadows. Most portraits and students weren't accustomed to seeing a black leopard in the corridors at night. I took the stairs up the tower two at a time. When I finally reached the top landing, I changed back into my human self and stepped out onto the balcony. It was empty, just like it always was on a Friday night.
My hair flew in the wind as I walked further out on the terrace. The sky was cloudy, but no less beautiful. I leaned against the outside wall and closed my eyes; breathing deep, I let the serenity wash over me. The run had done its job of relieving the stress, but now it was time for the clam after the storm. I don't know how long I stood there like that, but I knew I could have stayed forever if only my arms hadn't of fallen asleep.
I reached deep into one of the pockets on my school robes and pulled out a tiny, rectangular box. From another pocket I pulled out my wand, a ten inch beech with the hair from a unicorn tail at its core. I tapped the tip of my wand to the box and murmured the incantation and the box grew to its normal size. From it I pulled my telescope and set it up. I searched the sky for a spot free of clouds, and away from the bright moon. When I found one I directed my telescope to it and just stared at it, committing it to memory.
Again, I don't know how long I spent glancing through the telescope. I never paid attention to the time when I was star gazing. When the star I was studying was covered by a cloud I moved on to another one. I was only able to examine a handful of stars before the night grew completely dark; the clouds had managed to take the stars hostage. I guess this meant it was time to pack it up.
I sighed heavily once my telescope was back in its box. I was looking out over the grounds when I saw a shadow fly by. I studied the area where I had seen the shadow, but I saw nothing. It must have been a bird, or some kind of animal.
I picked up my telescope box; surely it was late enough to not get caught. I took one last look around, and was disappointed to find that there were no clearings, and there didn't appear as if there would be any anytime soon. I turned away from the wall and headed back for the door which would lead me back down a long, winding stair case. I was reaching out for the door knob, when it turned on its own and swung forth. Terror seized my heart.
