4. Becoming Maggie

Penny had been sitting on her couch, reading the scenes from Greenstein Productions in complete silence, for nearly two hours. Leonard wandered into the kitchen, looking at her with some concern. Finally he had to ask.

"Everything all right?"

Penny nodded. "But this is going to be hard. I'm really not sure how I'm going to do it."

"Want some coffee? You never did get around to making any across the way," Leonard offered.

Penny nodded again. "So much emotion. But where is it coming from? How do I get to it?"

Leonard finished getting the coffee maker ready and stood by the counter. "What do you mean? Isn't that what actors do, emotion?"

Penny smiled. "It's not like that, sweetie. We don't just "do" emotion. The emotion comes from the motivation."

Leonard looked confused. "How is that different?"

Penny looked up a bit. "Here, let me show you. Better yet, you can do it. Come over here and sit down. Now, first, think of something I do that makes you upset, and act like you're upset with me."

Leonard thought a bit, and then started, with an angry look on his face, "I can't stand when you make fun of me! It makes me crazy! It's not right for you to make fun of your own husband…" and he stopped, realizing how artificial it sounded.

Penny smiled. "OK, now this time think of the thing I do that makes you upset, and here's your goal, your motivation. You're trying to make me understand how and why this upsets you."

Leonard paused and thought for a minute, then started in. "You know, when you make fun of me, of something I say or do, it really hurts. It reminds me of all the times I got picked on as a kid, all the times my mother ridiculed me, all the bullying and hatred I had to put up with. I thought I was past that, and if there was one place I thought I'd never have to deal with it, I figured it would be from my wife. But you roll your eyes, and make nasty little comments, and I could just die all over again. It's like a dagger in my heart –" His eyes were starting to tear up, and Penny was sitting there with her mouth open.

"Stop, stop!" Penny cried, and grabbed Leonard in a tight hug, kissing his eyes. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Leonard, I had no idea!"

Leonard sniffled a little and caught his breath, then gave Penny a little smile. Penny kissed him tenderly and shook her head. "Well, I guess we each just learned something. I learned how thoughtless I can be; and you learned the difference between acting an emotion and acting with a motivation."

Leonard smiled at her and nodded. After he'd enjoyed a bit more of the consolation his acting had earned him, he asked, "So what's the problem with these scenes?"

Penny shook her head. "I can't really figure it out. Of course, these are only three scenes, and I guess I can see this as a really nasty attack on his ex-wife. But I'm not sure." She got up and began to pace.

"I would have to see the whole script, of course, but even in these scenes I get a different vibe. You could play her as an ignorant slut at first, and then as a whiny drug addict trying to nag him into coming back to her. I see that. But I don't think that's the only way of reading it. I think she's desperate for love at the beginning; and then, at the end, trying to get him to see why she's so damaged. I don't see her as pathetic or evil, so much, more as love-starved. Tortured or tormented, especially toward the end. Right, that's it, tormented."

Leonard knew to keep quiet. She wasn't really talking to him, she was working things out to herself.

"Tormented because nobody really ever loved her for herself, not even her own mother. Because guys were only after her because she was, you know, Marilyn. But she was more than that, she was smart and ambitious and talented. But so damaged. And he saw the intelligence and the talent, but he didn't see the damage, he thought she was just taking things out on him. She was trying to get him to understand. Understand why she was drugged up all the time, why she couldn't face the crowds, why she needed him to take care of her. Right. Right. Get him to take care of her. There are times a girl just wants to be taken care of, even a big girl, even Marilyn. Wow."

Leonard could see the excitement on her face as she walked back and forth, gesturing. Suddenly she stopped.

"OK, let's do this. Leonard, let's do this first scene." She sat down closer to him and put the first three or four pages on the coffee table where they could both see them. "You're Quentin. Now, this looks like it's where they first meet, at a bus stop." And they did the scene. Penny was a scatter-brained young woman, trying hard to impress an older professional man. Leonard could sense the desperation beneath her breathless banter, the craving to connect. He was completely absorbed in her rendition.

"Yeah, I think that's the way to go," she said abruptly, as they came to the end of the scene. It pulled Leonard out of his trance. He had almost forgotten she was acting. But Penny seemed to be able to turn it on and off at will.

Penny looked back over the scene, took a pencil and made a few marks on the page, biting her lip as she went through it. She rifled through to the next scene and studied it for a while, as Leonard busied himself in the kitchen. Then she called Leonard over and put the pages on the coffee table.

"This must be a few years later. She's made it. In the play she's a singer – that's why Miller threw the references to music in up front, to foreshadow – and Quentin has been following her career, but they haven't been in touch. It's the first time they meet again."

This time, Penny was much more self-assured. But there was still a palpable desire to impress Quentin, to pull him toward her. There was a mix of a successful star and a woman desperate to be with somebody. It was very touching. And again Penny brought the scene to an abrupt end even as Leonard was drowning in it. She marked up the pages a lot more this time, and sat deep in thought. Eventually Leonard couldn't help himself.

"What are you thinking about?"

Penny looked up and smiled. "I was thinking that I might draw a little bit on the times I've tried to get you guys to take me seriously, as something more than a dumb blonde."

Leonard looked stricken. "You don't really think we consider you a dumb blonde, do you?"

"No, of course not. But there is always a question mark. I'm the only one who's not a scientist, you know. And Maggie's there, you see. She's made it, she's a success, but Quentin is a big-shot lawyer and she has that nagging doubt that he doesn't take her seriously. And she's desperate for him to take her seriously."

Leonard nodded. He'd never been so deeply immersed in Penny's acting choices. It was quite amazing. He didn't want to interrupt, but he couldn't help it. He stood behind her and massaged her neck and upper back. She leaned back into the massage and smiled up at him.

"I'm so glad I'm getting to see the genius at work," Leonard said. Penny rolled her eyes. "I'm serious. This is incredible. I had no idea so much thought could go into one five-page scene. And you're so insightful, so intelligent," he gushed.

"Shush. Thanks, but shush. It's acting, honey. It's what I do. What I used to do. Maybe what I'll do again." She shook her head. She had forgotten how exciting a new part could be, especially a good new part. Maybe, just maybe, this could be it?

"This is the third scene, Leonard. This is the hardest. It's really heart-breaking. You see how she's attacking him and pleading with him at the same time. I think it's clear to me. But it's so raw." She scrunched up her face in a way Leonard thought was incredibly adorable, then motioned to him to sit down and start the scene.

This time Penny was a blubbering mess, slurring her words. Then lashing out at him – rather, at Quentin – with some of the nastiest invective imaginable. Then back to being a whimpering basket case. The remarkable thing, Leonard noted, was that it held together. You could see why a desperate woman, a woman desperate to get her man back, would shift back and forth between begging and berating. And how she tried so hard to get him to understand how miserable she was, how much she was suffering. It was painful to see how Quentin didn't get it.

The scene ended, and Penny leaned back on the couch, exhausted. Leonard looked at the clock. It was past 7; they'd spent the better part of six hours on the three scenes. He held her hand and rubbed her wrist gently.

"Maybe that's enough for today, Penny?"

She smiled at him and nodded. "Thanks for helping me, Leonard. You're so patient. Such a great husband." Her eyes lit up. "And you'll be such a great father."

Leonard's eyes immediately teared up, and Penny laughed. "You're such an easy cry, honey. But I love you for it. How about we go out for another nice dinner and then go another round on that project of ours?"