I had a dream that we were dead
But we pretended we still lived
With no regrets, we never bled
And we took everything life could give
And came up broken, empty handed in the end
In the hearts of the blind
Something you'll never find
Is a vision of light
With the voice of the dead, I'm screaming
I don't know who I am anymore
Not once in life have I been real
But I've never felt this close before
I've been looking in your window
I've been dressing in your clothes
I've been walking dead
Watching you
Long enough to know I can't go on
This Close ~ Flyleaf
Several days passed. Envy continued to grow stronger, but it was a frustratingly slow process. In his impatience to recover he pushed himself as much as possible and fell into relapses of weakness and fever. It was a discouraging feeling of one step forward, two steps back. As much as he'd been trying to ignore it, a nagging fear was growing in the back of his mind. Would using his powers always end this way on this side of the gate? He'd prided himself on being superior to humans because of his special abilities, and he'd taken them for granted. The possibility of losing that which made him unique wasn't something he cared to consider.
His attitude towards Leah remained one of harsh contempt. He told himself that he simply couldn't stand her, and he did his best to make the sentiment obvious. Even so, her treatment of him remained the same. His inability to hurt her with words drove him mad. Never had he met someone so impervious to his malice. At least... that was how she appeared to him. And as time passed he found that keeping up a constant verbal assault on her was more effort than it was worth. Hatred really was quite an exhausting emotion, and while her gentle humility repulsed him, it wasn't as threatening as he had first found it to be.
One night he awoke inexplicably and found it difficult to drift back to sleep. He could hear the song of the crickets outside the partly open window, and the cool night air trickling in filled the room with its sharp, green scent. As he rolled over onto his side, a sound reached his ear. It was a soft sound which at first he didn't recognize. He hadn't heard it in as long as he'd been staying here. His eyes flickered open in surprise as he realized it was the sound of crying. He lay for a moment listening to it. It was coming from the living room where Leah slept. Driven by a curious compulsion he couldn't quite explain, he pushed back the covers and slid out of bed. Crossing the room, he opened the door and stepped out, making his way silently down the hall. He came to a stop in the door of the living room. It was dark, but the dim outlines of the furniture were visible in the faint moonlight filtering through the blinds. From what he could see, Leah appeared to be sitting on the couch with her face buried in her hands. Despite the quiet sobs wracking her frame, she seemed to be doing her best not to make noise. He was a little surprised he'd heard her in the first place.
Feeling the need to make his presence known but finding he wasn't sure what to say, he reached over and flipped on the light switch. Leah flinched in surprise as light flooded the room. She looked up at him through her tears, clearly startled to see him standing there. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, her cheeks blotchy and tearstained. There was an awkward silence as they stared at each other. Then, becoming abruptly self conscious, she hastily wiped the tears from her face.
"Do you need something?" She asked hoarsely.
"Why are you crying?" Envy demanded, staring at her with a strange sort of fascination. She wavered a moment at his question, then she looked away, her gaze falling to the floor.
"It's nothing," she mumbled. His eyes narrowed.
"Don't give me that!" He snapped. "You were crying for a reason. Now spit it out!" His attempts to drive her to tears thus far had been so entirely unsuccessful that he'd been starting to think she was unable to feel negative emotions. He'd thought it would be satisfying somehow to see her in such a state, but instead he felt vaguely uncomfortable. There was an unfamiliar ache in his chest he didn't quite recognize.
"I'm selfish, you know," she said finally. At this response Envy's jaw dropped slightly, utterly dumbfounded. He could think of a number of unflattering words with which he could label the young woman, but 'selfish' wouldn't have been his first choice.
"You are?" His tone was dubious. A resigned sigh escaped her lips and she glanced at him.
"When I took you in it wasn't just because I wanted to help you... I was lonely," she replied. At this admission his eyebrows rose.
"If you wanted pleasant company, you picked the wrong guy," he informed her curtly. She shook her head.
"I didn't want company. I wanted a distraction," she murmured, gaze falling to the floor again.
"A distraction from what?" He demanded. She drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, appearing to steady herself.
"From him," she whispered. At Envy's puzzled silence she glanced pointedly at the mantle above the fireplace. The pictures there all remained standing up, just the way he'd left them several days ago. The young man in the photographs stared back at the two of them. "I'm trying so hard to move on. I need to get past it... He's in a better place, I was blessed to have him while he was here, and I can't ask for more than that," her voice broke. "But I'm weak, and it just hurts so much sometimes…"she trailed off in a shaky whisper, shutting her eyes as several more tears rolled down her cheeks.
Envy's eyes widened.. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it hadn't been that. A dizzying wave of emotion crashed over him. Suddenly it was hard to think straight. The pain from his dream had returned to his chest in full force. For a split second he forgot where he was; forgot who he was. In that instant he was William again, and he was staring at Calandra. The sight of her tears pierced through him like a dagger.
"Calandra, I…" The words fell from his lips without thought, seeming to have formed themselves of their own accord. Then the moment shattered, leaving him breathless. His jaw snapped shut and he felt the colour drain from his face in horror. He had not just said that…
A frown of puzzlement creased Leah's brow.
"Calandra? Who is…?" Before she could finish her question he turned on his heel and walked swiftly back down the hall.
Bursting into the bedroom, he slammed the door shut behind him. He rested his face in his hands for a moment, trembling from a sick feeling that it seized hold of him. It was fear. The darkness of the room seems press in on him. He fumbled for the light switch on the wall and flicked it on. His breath was coming faster than normal. He turned to pace the length of the room and back, raising a hand to cover his eyes. What was he going to do? He couldn't crush the panic that had gripped him. It was one thing to dream, but that potent flash of his old self had been far more than a dream. For the briefest of moments it was like his past self had pushed to the forefront of his consciousness and… taken over him. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't allow this to happen! He simply had to kill her. He couldn't afford to wait any longer. He needed to kill her now.
No you don't.
Envy froze in place. Those words in his mind…had not been his. They had come from somewhere else.
You won't hurt her. You need her.
Envy stared straight ahead, his eyed wide. Now he was hearing voices. He really had lost his mind. The confidence in those words rankled him.
"Don't be absurd. I've never needed anyone in my life!" He snapped at the thin air.
You've always needed someone. You've been running away from that fact your entire life.
"Shut up!" The panic was plain in his voice now. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. At that moment the door to his room opened. He spun around. "Get out!" He yelled. The young woman standing in the doorway stared at him with raised eyebrows, though she didn't appear particularly fazed by his violent shift in mood. She stepped forward into the room and he jerked backwards, cowering away from her against the wall. "Stay away from me! Get away!" His eyes were wide with panic. Rational thought had vanished from his mind. The odd serenity in Leah's countenance as she watched him utterly terrified him, and he wasn't at all sure why. She stared at him for a moment, her eyes still reddened from crying but showing none of their previous anguish. She seemed puzzled by his uncharacteristic behaviour, but there was a sad kindness in her gaze. She pitied him. Slowly, as if approaching a skittish wild animal, she began to walk towards him. He watched her, frozen in place, breath coming faster and faster the closer she came. He was cornered. There was no way out. Her entire being was the very antithesis of his own. It didn't make any sense. She was just a defenceless human girl. And yet, there was something unearthly about her in that moment that scared him. She seemed to be illuminated from within by a warm light he had never noticed before. Where was coming from? Was he hallucinating?
She came to a stop in front of him. Some distant, still rational part of his mind registered that, despite her apparent calmness, there was a calculating wariness in her eyes, a hesitancy in her movements that betrayed her uncertainly over what she was doing. Then, when he made no move to lash out at her, she slowly reached up and rested her hands on his shoulders. He flinched at her touch, but found himself transfixed by her steady gaze. He couldn't look away from her clear grey eyes. The air between them was thick with tension. She hesitated a moment. Then she closed the remaining distance between them and carefully wrapped her arms around him in a hug. Envy stopped breathing. He stared straight ahead, stunned. After the way he'd treated her over the last week, the girl should have hated him. At the very least, she should have been frightened of him. She didn't know the first thing about him. She certainly couldn't know why he was so disturbed at this moment. Nevertheless, she had set aside her own grief in order to come and offer him comfort. Why was she like this?
They stood like that for a time, a cautious silence resting over them. At length, Envy finally recovered enough to regain the use of his limbs. Raising his hands, he pushed her away from him; although, a little more gently than he'd intended. He stared down at the floor, refusing to look at her expression.
"Leave me alone." The words had lost their ring of anger. His tone was subdued. She watched him for a moment, and then she nodded. Without a word she turned and left the room, shutting the door softly behind her. He stood for a moment unmoving. His head was spinning. He couldn't even begin to process what it just happened. Finally he turned and walked over to the bed, slowly sinking down onto the plush comforter.
He didn't leave the room again for the rest of the night, but neither did he sleep. His mind was far too troubled. In the hours that he sat there staring into space, he attempted to come to some understanding of what had occurred, but without much success. He couldn't explain the actions of that girl. Even more disturbing was the fact that he couldn't explain his reaction to her actions. Why had he allowed her to treat him that way? The changes taking place within him were beyond his comprehension. Before he had woken up on the side of the gate, everything had seemed so clear to him. He'd had one goal in mind, nothing more. But now that goal was getting lost in the confusing tangle of his past and his present. Try as he might, he couldn't make sense of any of it.
When the grey light of early morning finally lit up the room, he rose to his feet, driven by hunger. His appetite had returned with a vengeance over the last two days and his stomach was currently reminding him of that fact. He reluctantly left the room and slowly made his way down the hall. As he entered the living room he came to a halt, his gaze falling upon the young woman on the couch. She was fast asleep, her light golden curls spilling across the single pillow. The thin blanket covering her had slipped down to her waist, revealing that her usual brown dress had been replaced by white nightgown, its lacy straps leaving her shoulders bare. He'd been too rattled the night before to take notice of such things. He stared at her for a moment. It returned to his mind that for the past week she'd been sleeping out on this couch while he'd slept in her bed. She had no reason to treat him this way. Her generosity unnerved him. After some hesitation, he entered the room and sank down into the chair across from her. He couldn't bring himself to wake her up. He sat in silence, watching her as the sun slowly rose above the horizon, spilling its golden warmth across the landscape.
Finally she stirred, her eyelids slowly opening. She turned her head sleepily and unintentionally met his gaze. Abruptly her eyes widened in surprise. She sat up swiftly.
"Oh! I… I didn't know you were up," she stammered. Her state of flustered grogginess what somewhat amusing. "Were you waiting long?" He slowly shook his head. "I… Umm… I suppose you must be hungry," she surmised nervously. He nodded, curiously puzzled by her agitation. She glanced down at herself before glancing at him. Then her gaze darted away nervously. Her cheeks were redder than usual. After a moment's hesitation she seemed to squash whatever emotion she was struggling with. She rose to her feet, letting the blanket fall to the couch, and walked briskly out of the room into the kitchen. Envy stared after her with raised eyebrows. That was easily the most uncomfortable he'd seen her since he'd arrived here, and he hadn't the slightest idea why. All he'd done was watched her sleep... What was so unsettling about that? Shaking his head, he rose to his feet and followed after her.
In the kitchen she made swift work of pulling together breakfast. Before he knew it there was a plate of eggs and bacon sitting in front of him on the table. She poured a glass of orange juice for each of them and sat down across from him. To his relief, she made no inquiries about his unusual behavior the night before. From what he remembered of Calandra, he'd expected to get peppered with questions, but apparently Leah possessed a little more tact than that. The meal was a silent one. When they had both finished, she collected their plates, taking them over and setting them in the sink. Then she turned and leaned back against the counter, watching him. When the silence had stretched out for long enough he finally raised an eyebrow questioningly. He suspected she was puzzled by his unbroken silence. Normally he would have made an unkind comment or two by now.
"Would you like to come to work with me today?" She asked finally, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Envy stared at her blankly. Seeing that she'd taken them off guard, she turned back to the sink and got to work washing the dishes while she awaited his response. Finally he found his voice.
"Why?" He asked. He couldn't fathom why she would make such an offer. She shrugged, remaining focused on the task at hand.
"I just thought you might be getting a bit bored. I work alone, so no one will mind if you come along. It would be a chance for you to get a change of scenery," she replied. There was silence for a moment as he thought over her offer. She was sure an odd young woman; odd enough that he was sure her offer was one of genuine thoughtfulness, and not just some ploy to get out of doing her usual share of work. He had to admit, the thought of spending yet another day sitting around her house was not appealing. "If you do decide to come I'll dig up some clothes for you to wear," she spoke up, interrupting his train of thought. He blinked in surprise and then his eyes narrowed.
"What's wrong with the ones I have on?" He demanded sourly. She glanced back at him over her shoulder. There was a slight smile on her face.
"You've been wearing them for a week now. It wouldn't hurt to wash them. I could run a bath for you as well if you like," she offered. he stared at her.
"Is that your way of saying I smell bad?" He demanded flatly. A peal of laughter escaped her lips, the corners of her eyes crinkling in amusement.
"No, you smell just fine actually. I'm not sure how that's possible after spending most of the week sick in bed and not changing or bathing," her tone was puzzled but amused, "but I suppose you're just special. Even so, a bath might feel nice," she pointed out. He remained silent as she finished with the dishes.
'Special' was certainly one way of describing him. Homunculi didn't typically need to bathe. Not as often as humans did in any case. Their bodies functioned differently. Not to mention he usually changed forms so frequently that neither bathing nor changing clothes had been of much concern to him. In this case though, perhaps bathing wouldn't hurt. He couldn't remember the last time he had remained in the same form for as long as he had recently, and he was now having to consume the same nutrition his humans. Who knew what effect that would have? The idea of starting to smell like a human wasn't terribly appealing.
"Alright," he agreed grudgingly. At his unusually civil response she turned in surprise, apparently taken off guard by his willingness. Then a smile pulled at her lips and something close to triumph lit in her eyes.
"I'll let you know when it's ready," she told him cheerfully, and then strolled out of the room down the hall. He stared after her blankly. All he'd done was agree to let her run him a bath and she'd lit up like a Christmas tree. What in his response had warranted that reaction? A little perturbed, he grabbed a lock of his hair and held it up to his nose to sniff. Upon finding it smelled perfectly normal he felt a prick of relief. Apparently the woman was just behaving as bizarrely as usual.
-Author's Note-
Heaven forbid Envy start smelling like something other than a homunculus... What do homunculi smell like anyway?
This chapter went through numerous revisions before it arrived at the state its in now, so I hope it worked ok... it's hard to tell whether or not the characterizations fit and the text flows naturally after reading it through for the 20th+ time. x'D I also couldn't believe how many typos I still found in the final read through. o_o I apologize from here on out for any mistakes you find in this story. I don't have anyone else reading through each chapter with fresh eyes to catch the errors I miss.
I'm really curious to hear what you guys think about how Leah and Envy are portrayed in this chapter. I didn't actually plan out much in the way of character interactions when I initially wrote it. It just kinda flowed of its own accord. So if it felt awkward or blown out of proportion in places, please tell me so I can fix that in subsequent chapters. x'D
MissiB: Yay! ^^ I'm glad you like it so far! As for Calandra's death, I did leave it pretty vague. But the implication was more along the lines that if she hadn't been so upset, the accident probably never would have happened, and thus William was partly responsible for her death. And yeah, she doesn't seem terribly concerned about her personal safety, does she? I hope this chapter shined a little bit of light on her motives, but your guess wasn't super far off. Although, she doesn't actually know he's a serial killer. Not at this point anyway. x'D
midnight03: Yeah, Envy is a pretty conflicted guy in this story. And it just gets worse from here on out. Condensing his character development towards "good guy" into a short-ish story = lots of drama. XD
Penelope Jadewing: You know, I hadn't thought of it that way, but I suppose thats a valid point... Of course, it could also be the result of reading waaaay too much Envy fanfiction, and brainstorming 3+ stories with him as one of the main characters. XD But I've discovered with this story that I love writing him confused. It's so entertaining! X3 Part of why I wanted to write this story was so that I could write his reaction to being stuck with someone with a personality so completely polar opposite to his. And it's a blast lol.
