I put an alarm clock back together and set it to wake me early on Monday morning—I don't know what time Divine and Aki are leaving, but I want to be up for it.

All through pulling my robes on, I'm trying to psyche myself up for asking Divine if I can watch the duel. I've been trying to be helpful and obedient all week, doing everything that's asked of me… I even sat in Divine's office for an hour listening to him answer me after I asked him what I could do to be better. He seemed pleased, and was more than happy to pass on some advice as to what I could do to be better.

All I want is to see Aki duel in a professional setting—outside of Arcadia, where she isn't the best duelist living here and where the only person she ever duels is Divine. I want to see my friend on the field. I want to see what it's like to be an out-loud psychic outside of the Movement. I want a glimpse of what normal people get excited about on the daily.

And it may be foolish, but I want to be out with Divine's permission. It's been so long since I've done anything with approval from Divine—as a matter of fact, he hasn't given me approval for much since Aki arrived.

I'm on the second floor, in the mess hall, pouring myself hot water for tea when Aki comes in to go rifling through the fridge.

"Morning," I say. "Tea?"

"C? You're up early." She's halfway through peeling an orange when she reaches where I am at the kitchenette and leans her head on my shoulder. "I'd love some."

"Oolong?"

"Please."

I reach for a second cup and saucer out of the cabinet over my head, and Aki leans away from me for a moment while I get on my toes for the tea bags. "Are you ready for today?"

"Yeah," she breathes. "Nervous, but ready. I don't know who my competition is until I get there, so I'll just have to hope for the best."

"I'm… I'm going to ask Divine if I can watch," I say. "I want be cheering you on."

"Are you going to ask to come with us?" She replies. "Some of the other clerics are coming, so you should too…"

"I'm going to try," I tell her. "I've been trying to be good… and I've been outside already, so maybe it'll be easier to ask? Since it'll be out with him this time? I don't know. All I want is to watch."

"Do you want me to ask him?"

"No, it's all right! I should do it by myself. I don't want you to fight my battles when you've already got enough on your mind."

She exhales. "All right. Are you going to eat anything?"

"My stomach's been uneasy this week, so probably just something small." I hand her her teacup and saucer.

"Me too—but I just can't eat when I'm anxious."

"You and me both."

Aki and I sit together at the table in the middle of the hall, and I pick at an apple and a banana. Aki nurses her cup of tea, and I listen to the sounds of things in the kitchen settling; the fridge door creaking a little, Aki's cup as she sets it back on the table, my banana peel as it slides under my hand.

I've learned to do that; listen. Picking up on noise has always been a good way for me to pass the time, and it keeps me calm while I try to think of how I'm going to word my request to Divine. What words could I use that would he would be the least able to misconstrue?

Part of me wants to change my mind, and ask Aki to ask him for me… but what would that do? Would that make any difference? Divine doesn't deal with Aki's requests the same way he deals with mine. It didn't used to be like that—I used to adore him like Aki does. He was all I ever knew, and now he hurts me when I disobey. Not that Aki doesn't get punished sometimes if she disappoints him, but… he lets her off easy. I've never once seen her in the testing quadrant. At least, not the part of it that I frequent.

But I can't blame her for that, and I don't. Aki is kind of like me, I think. It depends on the day. The only person that I can hate for it is Divine—for making me love him and then destroying me for it.

Aki stirs a little more sugar into her tea, and I lean my chin in my hand and watch her across the table. She looks well rested, her hair done in little pixie spikes around her face and her bangs twisted back into her stabilizer. A beautiful, silent girl right now… who will she be when she steps onto the field at the Memorial Circuit?

"What?" She asks when she catches me staring.

"Nothing," I say, heat creeping upward into my cheeks. "I zoned out. That's all."

She laughs a little, a sound that makes me feel even more flustered. "You're planning out what you're going to say, aren't you?"

"It's that obvious?"

"I'm telling you, C." She frowns and leans across the table a little. "Let me ask him for you, I'm sure it'll help."

"No," I breathe. "It's okay. I want to do it."

She doesn't look convinced, but she replies, "If you say so."

Is it cruel to want validation? For once? To want to be asking something of him that he finally concedes to? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment?

The waiting is hell and I'm still trying to figure out what to say while my leg bounces restlessly up and down underneath the table, until Aki spots the time on the analog clock over the fridge.

"Gotta be downstairs," she says. "Coming?"

I jump up out of my chair; it makes a horrible screeching sound as it scrapes along the floor, but Aki laughs at it. "Nervous and eager?"

"Nervous and needing to get it over with," I say.

Aki loops her arm through mine and we fall in step with each other. "Don't forget to breathe."

On her suggestion, I suddenly realize how badly I need to inhale. Her hand is curled inward against my forearm, and at some point on the elevator ride downstairs I feel her fingers circling against my sleeve, like an attempt to be soothing.

Is it strange to say that I've never been on the ground floor before? Pretty much the only thing on the ground floor is the entrance to the building… which I never use.

Divine is there with three or four other clerics, and he's wearing the dusty brown coat that's always hanging up on the wooden rack in his office. He's holding a pink duel disk—Aki's, I assume.

"Cipher," is the first thing he says, his voice flat, "have you come to see Aki off?"

I think I feel Aki's nails digging into my arm—and not on purpose. When she's overexcited or anxious, she can be a little abrasive. "Divine, can C please come with us?" She blurts. "I think it would be great if she came to watch, she really wants to, and—"

"Slow down," Divine says; I think it's the first time for as long as I can remember that I've heard him manage something like laughter. "Did Cipher put you up to this, Aki?"

"Of course not!" Aki rambles. I'm looking at her the entire time, trying to read the rushed tone of voice she's taken on. At this point, I can't be upset at her for ignoring my request. It's like she's more worried for me than I am for myself. "Actually, she didn't want me to ask you, she wanted to ask you herself—"

"Why don't you take this," he says, holding her duel disk out toward her, "and wait outside for us?"

That syntax makes it sound like… he might actually let me go. Aki squeezes my arm, accepts her duel disk from him, and starts outside. Even as she's going out the doors with a couple of the clerics, she's looking over her shoulder at me. Trying to make sure I'm doing all right.

But, when I'm suddenly here alone with Divine, I'm suddenly hyperaware of how small I feel and how gone Aki's warmth is from my side.

After a second of looking over me, he says, "Return to your room, Cipher, I've instructed Seria to double your training hours for today."

No. That's a no.

"W-Why?" I blurt. "Can't I… come watch, I mean…?"

He takes a step closer to me and I immediately feel like curling up into a ball. He puts a hand on my shoulder, and it's surprisingly gentle, but I'm frozen.

"Do you know why it is so important that you remain here?" He asks.

"People wanted to hurt me," I say, swallowing. "T-That was what you always told me."

"Yes, you're right. You have an astounding memory."

Funny.

"You and Aki are not the same, Cipher. Though I delivered Aki from danger the same way I delivered you, she does not have to be concerned with people coming after her with bad intentions. She has the strength to send them running. As I said, I requested that Seria double your hours today."

"...but…"

"I know, it's difficult. But I'm forced to get upset with you when you disobey me and go on your little day trips. You fail to see that someone could seriously hurt you. Someday, when you build that necessary strength, I will let you follow Aki outside wherever you may please. Right now, it just isn't possible." He starts toward the door, digging for something in the pocket of his overcoat. "I'll have Aki inform you of how it went when we return. You'll find Seria upstairs."

Then he's gone. I stand there for a long time, staring at the doors and wondering what kind of truth I have to be made of.

The little girl who grew up here is screaming and kicking and crying for Divine to love her again—even if it's just one thing she does that he approves of, she'll take it. That's the part of me that wants to believe that I really am here and stuck inside for my own protection. The part that wants to believe that Divine is the good guy.

There's something else in me remembering all that Seria has said. Seria, who knew Divine before I was even born. And I remember the pain and the days stuck in bed, the big punishments for the little misdemeanors. My lack of 'strength' because of Divine himself, according to Seria.

I don't know how long I'm there, staring and standing and trying not to cry, but everything suddenly comes back into focus when I realize that Seria is here, shaking me by the shoulders.

"C. C. Look at me, C, look at me. Breathe."

It takes me a second to get my eyes to focus, and when they do, I can see Seria's face close to mine. Her hands are clamped around my shoulders.

"Breathe, C. Are you okay?"

"What?" I croak.

I hear something like glass falling—hitting the tile floor. It makes Seria seize up.

"You have to keep ahold of yourself, C. Listen? Don't do that."

Do what? She helps me onto my feet. I didn't even realize I had stopped standing. I'm still kind of reeling as we get into the elevator, and before I know it I'm sitting down again and Seria's pressing what feels like tissue into my hands.

"Hold that there. Good job."

I didn't even realize my nose was bleeding—Seria makes this little noise of surprise, and I can hear more glass hitting tile. "C, you need to get ahold of yourself."

"I'm sorry," I manage. I don't even know what I did, or… what I'm doing.

"This is the last time I'm going to say it, C, stop and breathe."

I sit there—wherever there is—and try to do as she says and breathe. It takes me a second to stop feeling like I'm just existing, and nothing else, and when everything stops feeling hazy and blurry, I realize that I'm on the counter in the mess, and Seria's at the kitchenette across from me, shaking a thermometer.

"Seria?" My voice is muffled by the tissues, and the smell of blood makes my stomach turn. "What happened?"

"Why don't you tell me?" She stops shaking the thermometer. "You don't have a fever, that's good. I found you downstairs, bleeding and surrounded by glass."

Glass…?

"What happened?"

"I… I went to ask Divine if I could watch Aki…"

"And he told you no, didn't he?" There's a frown in her voice. "I suspected. He asked me to start early with you today and end later than we normally do."

"He said… he said I could go outside as soon as I was like Aki. As soon as I was as strong as Aki." I cut my eyes away from her. "What does that mean? Isn't it his fault I'm not strong already?"

"C, temper."

"What does he want? Is he going to give me a mask and send me out to be the Black Rose Witch, Part 2?"

Seria flinches as a cup on the counter next to her explodes, sending glass flying everywhere. "Your temper, C. I already have to send out to get two windows on the ground floor fixed today."

"I-I broke windows?"

"Luckily it's not as bad as it could've been. You're better about wearing your stabilizer than some." When Seria crosses from the kitchenette, she's not looking at me. "I didn't realize you knew about the whole 'Black Rose Witch' thing."

"Aki showed me the mask a long time ago," I say bitterly. "I've seen her come back inside wearing that long cape. I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

"Not a secret. I just didn't know if she'd want to tell you about it. Divine's certainly never shown interest in telling you anything about it."

"I can't go outside unless I turn myself into a force of nature, is that it?"

Seria looks halfway amused. "You're not even upset about him telling you 'no' anymore, are you?"

"I don't… no." I think some part of me knew he was going to deny me the trip. It was little C who wanted him to give her approval for once. But, fuck him. He didn't have to say all of that other stuff. Spend all this time breaking me and setting a tentative maybe on if I'm ever going to get that approval. Fuck that. I'm going anyways. I'm gonna go see Aki anyways.

"Why… would he… tell me that?" I manage, balling my free hand into a fist.

"Temper," she warns again.

"Sorry," I mutter. "You said that it was his fault I'm not strong. Why would he say that he wants me to be Aki-strong before I can go out with his permission? Why doesn't he stop?"

"First of all, you are 'Aki-strong'. It's Aki-stamina you don't have. And that's the part that's his fault. Your body makes a complete changeover of every cell in itself in about seven years, so I would expect you to be fully healed from all of your unsolicited punishment in about that time. That is, of course, if Divine swears on his own life to never do that to you again."

Seven years? It'll take my body seven years to recover?

"Secondly, I would guess that he just doesn't want you outside. Or he ran out of ideas for excuses."

"Am I that see-through? That he knew to ask you to double up training today to give me an excuse for not going?"

"Maybe. Or maybe Aki talks about you a lot."

"What?" I say, my face burning.

"He's with Aki plenty more than he's with you, C. Did you go down with her this morning?"

"Yeah…"

"Then I'd say it was less of an excuse for you, more of an excuse for her. She knew you wanted to ask him, didn't she?"

"Yeah," I repeat.

"There you go, then. It certainly sounds like something he would do. He has to tread lightly when you intersect with Aki, which is more often than you probably think it is, because he has to keep her favor. He just has to keep you scared. Case closed."

I swallow. "...was he ever kind? Like… ever? Just out of curiosity."

"Once. But it was definitely a thousand years ago."

I take the tissues away from my nose for a second to check if my nosebleed has stopped. "...why the blood?"

"It's the stamina issue. This has happened a few times when you were younger, almost always when you lost your temper. It's the same principle as Aki and her duel damage, where it gets bigger and more powerful with her emotions. The only difference is that your body doesn't have a great time sustaining that amount of telekinetic energy."

"Wonderful." I crumple up the tissues in my hand, but I'm still breathing through my mouth in case the blood starts up again. "...you aren't really going to double my hours today, are you?"

"I'm not sure yet." Seria rests her chin in her hand. "What do you want to do?"

"Well, if I'm telling you the truth—"

"Because I think I have a little bit of work that I have to do, and I'm definitely not going to be watching any of the exits in case somebody wants to slip out unseen."

"...even if someone who wasn't me wanted to sneak out and go watch, how would that person know where they were going?"

"I definitely don't have a map of the uptown district that I may or may not leave out."

"...Okay. That was easy."

"You were going to go anyways, let's be honest here. Divine's made a habit of telling me that I have to 'document everything I see'," Seria replies. "So, just to be clear, I haven't seen anything today."

I can't hide my smile.

"Just make sure to get back before they do. You have to leave as soon as Aki's duel is over. The truck that they brought has a treatment pod for Aki, so even if Aki isn't the last duelist, Divine is going to have her go straight back there to keep her out of public scrutiny. There's a chance you could run into each other."

"Public scrutiny," I say. "Why do I have a feeling that's code for 'picketers are going to start showing up at Arcadia after this'?"

"It'll depend on how much she Physicalizes. Now, if you're done bleeding, maybe go get dressed. Meet me in my office, it's on the ground floor. I'll go dig for that map I don't have."

She definitely doesn't have to tell me twice. I bolt upstairs to my room and peel out of my robes to change into street clothes. Divine got rid of the set I wore out last time, so I change into one of the extra sets I have—black boots, green sweater, and black jeans with ripped up knees. I clip my stabilizer on over my sleeve and wash the blood from my face before I jog back downstairs, my shoes clicking fast against the linoleum.

Down on the ground floor, I finally see what Seria was talking about when she said that I shattered windows. Near the front entrance, two of the huge glass plates by the door are missing. I'm guessing someone already cleaned them up, but… I shattered windows. Even if I get back here from outside without any difficulties, I have a feeling I might get in trouble for breaking things.

Or, what's the probability that he praises me for it?

I've never actually been in Seria's office before. At least, I don't think I have. I have no memory of coming in here, but then again, I don't have memory of a lot of things. It's a cute little room with a comfortable-looking chair at the desk and a pot of flowers on the corner near the computer.

"You found the map that doesn't exist," I say.

"And I penciled the route you won't be taking." She laughs a little to herself. "This circle, right here—" she points, "—is where we are. I know you know how to get through Daimon, and that's the quickest way there. Once you're north through that district, it's five blocks this way."

"North through Daimon, five blocks right," I say. "Or west. Whatever. I've got it."

"The event is ticketed, and it's been sold out for months, so the easiest way I'm assuming you'll be able to get in is through the contender's entrance," Seria continues. "It's around the back of the stadium, and it's gated. It'll probably have Security patrolling outside. The way you should be coming in goes right up toward all of that."

"I'll figure something out. How do you know all that about the Circuit layout?"

"I used to go there for tournaments before Arcadia. Any more questions?"

"Nope, I think I'm… Actually… is this all okay?"

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"I don't know. I… I do really want to go see Aki, but I feel like the motivation overshadowing my want to go is just, like… spite."

"C, if I had a penny for every time you did something purely out of spite, I could probably buy Divine out of Arcadia."

"Ah… okay? Nothing about how spite is bad?"

"I'm not at liberty to lecture you about it—your spite and my spite could probably have a steel cage match."

"All right then!"

"Use the front door this time," she says. "But take your air vent on the way back, just in case."

"You, um… You know about that?"

She flashes a smile. "I haven't documented it."

"...gotcha." I'm halfway out the door when I say, "I'll be back as soon as it's over!"

"Be careful!" She shouts after me.