Chapter Four – Who knew
Disclaimer: The song Who knew is © to Pink.
"Are you feeling better?" Sango asked, drawing close to her friend as they walked back to the village.
"Yes, I feel better, but I am not better."
Sango frowned in confusion, her incomprehension clearly showing on her face.
Kagome sighed and tilted her head as she pondered how she could explain it to Sango. She felt that bonds like mating could not really be understood until one had actually experienced them.
"It is like I lost my bow and was given a sword to compensate for that loss," she began softly. Her voice was still as tired and broken as it had been the whole week. "I don't feel as weak, having a sword is better than having no weapon at all – but a sword is not a bow, nor can it ever become one. I don't feel as empty as I did before, with this new bond. But it is not something that would magically fix me. A part of me died with Inuyasha, and that part is now forever lost to me, no matter whom I mate."
Sango nodded gravely. She didn't really know what to say, she just hoped that the time would ease Kagome's pain and sorrow.
"I don't like this mating," Shippo commented sullenly. His hackles were still up from Sesshoumaru's display of power.
"I think it's a great idea," Rin chirped from Sango's side. "It's so sad that Inuyasha-sama died… But Sesshoumaru-sama will take care of Kagome-sama, and now neither of them needs to be alone."
Kagome glanced at the young woman. Rin was sixteen now, and the villagers all considered her an adult. Despite that, she seemed to exude the kind of purity that could only be found in the young. Watching the ward, Kagome smiled sadly and wondered if she had ever been that young herself, so innocent and full of hope. Probably she had been, but it was difficult to remember such times, or recognise the girl she had been back then.
Of course, even now, she was only twenty-three, but she keenly felt the weight of every single one of her years. So much had happened to her in her fleeting lifetime that she had grown more mature than most women her age. Life in the Sengoku Jidai was tough, and when facing the continuous war, famine, disease and death, one grew up quickly. Thus, Kagome was glad that Rin had managed to retain such a positive and hopeful outlook on life despite her troubled childhood. She was also sure Sesshoumaru had closely guarded his ward's innocence.
Kagome finally broke away from her musings, to find Sango studying at her intently.
"Your hair seems a little uneven to me," the slayer said ponderously. "Would you like me to cut it for you so that it'd be nice and neat?"
"That would be great," Kagome replied. She did not really care about her appearance, especially now after everything that had happened, she had not spared a thought to something so trivial, let alone been able to summon the energy she'd need to care for it. But now she was mated to Sesshoumaru, and it would not do if her unkempt appearance would reflect on the daiyoukai. Although she probably looked horrible at the moment, due to the combined lack of sleep and food, the least she could do was to make sure that her hair would not look like a haystack. She probably had to take a look at her clothes, too. She would need to dress properly for the road, which was something she had not done in quite a while, having spent the past two years mostly tied to the village and helping Kaede. Some villagers would probably be sad to see her leave, but then again, it was not like Edo really needed three mikos. Kaede was old, and her body had started to betray her already, she always got persistent coughs during the winters now. Yet, she was already training Rin as her successor. There wasn't really any need for Kagome, and for a moment it stung her heart that still after all the years she had spent in the past, in so many ways she was still an outsider.
It might be better not to take her miko uniform with her. She was not sure if Sesshoumaru would get in trouble with taking a human mate, after all wasn't he some sort of a lord? He probably had a reputation to maintain, so her mortal status was bad enough to swallow. No need to make matters worse by broadcasting her holy powers. Besides… The miko uniform reminded her of Inuyasha, and of Edo. Of the happy days after she had returned to the Sengoku jidai.
They arrived back to the village. Sango beckoned Kagome to follow, so she did. Before she stepped into Sango's and Miroku's house, she noted out of the corner of her eye that Sesshoumaru seated himself on the ground next to Kaede's hut. Inside, Sango bid her to sit, and Kagome obediently lowered herself onto the tatami, into a controlled seiza. She squeezed her hands in her lap when she felt Sango's fingers run through her hair. For a moment the sadness welled again, when she remembered all the sweet, quiet dark nights when she had lain in her mate's arms and felt his clawed fingers in her hair. Abruptly, she felt an insistent tug in the corner of her soul, a darkness that did not belong to her pulsed, and the pain was gone so suddenly that a gasp escaped her lips.
"What is it?" Sango asked immediately, pausing in her work with Kagome's hair.
"Nothing," Kagome murmured to reassure her friend, even if her brows drew together into a puzzled frown.
Had Sesshoumaru done that just now? Had he felt it? She knew, instinctively, that whatever had so swiftly and effortlessly brought the pang of her loss back under control had not come from her. It had to have been him, but the knowledge of that only confused her further. How had he done it? And why?
Her hands twitched in her lap, twisting into the fabric of her kimono as she came to her conclusion.
It didn't matter. She wouldn't look the gift horse in the mouth, she would just be relieved to know that her grief had subsided for now.
The grief terrified her. It was like the flames of the funeral pyre that had turned Inuyasha into ashes; insatiable and merciless. She was afraid of being devoured, and even more frightened by those fleeting seconds when she wanted to throw herself to it. It was like teetering on a brink of a cliff, looking down into the abyss, knowing she had to back away to save herself, but secretly just wanting to take the plunge and disappear into nothing.
"All done!" Sango announced cheerfully.
Kagome thanked her friend and masked her disturbing thoughts with a small bland smile. There was no use in upsetting the taijiya any further after all.
L-A-L
Kagome smoothed down the front of the travel kimono she had changed into. She stopped and glanced around the hut, absently rolling one dark bead of the subjugation necklace between her fingertips, before she shook herself out of the wistful melancholia. She grabbed her pack and slung her bow and quiver over her shoulder. Preparations made, few possessions packed, all was ready. She was ready to leave.
Her shoulders sagged. She supposed she should feel daunted by the prospect of leaving off like this – with Sesshoumaru of all people and to gods knew where, leaving her friends behind. However, the only emotion surfacing in her mind was relief. She wanted to go and not look back. She could not stay here, she could not remain haunted by the memories… And more importantly, she could not bear witness to how her friends' lives went on. As much as she wanted to be happy for them, she feared she would only grow bitter and resentful in the long run. She knew that Sango and Miroku of all people deserved their happiness at long last, but seeing their family would be a constant reminder of what she had always wanted for herself, and now could never have.
Her hands twitched involuntarily, brushing against her obi. Yes. Leaving was a relief. She could only keep looking forward now. In one smooth move, she stood up.
Her friends were waiting for her when she emerged from the hut. Rin rushed to hug her, and cheerily wished her well, vowing that Sesshoumaru-sama would take care of her. Kagome's lips twitched in spite of herself. She returned the ward's hug, and told her to study diligently.
Shippo was still visibly upset by the whole ordeal – not only by the shocking downfall of his hero, but also by Kagome's decision to accept Sesshoumaru's proposal. To her relief, though, he did not voice any objections he might still be harbouring. He embraced her fiercely, with all the strength his small body could muster – though the fox kit had grown tremendously, the top of his head barely topped Kagome's waist. When he finally pulled back, he made a vehement promise that if Sesshoumaru ever gave her any trouble, he would come to her rescue. Kagome mussed his hair affectionately.
"Then you must grow strong, Shippou," she cautioned him gently, and the child replied with a resolute nod.
Kaede was next. Kagome clasped the hands of the frail old woman, and thanked her profusely for everything she had done for her. The words could never really repay that debt, but the old miko accepted them nonetheless.
Then, Miroku's and Sango's children were circling her, and she knelt onto the ground to bid her goodbyes.
She had barely straightened back up when Sango collided against her. The taijiya wound her arms firmly around her friend and held her close. She wished her the best from the bottom of her heart, and hoped that Sesshoumaru would keep her afloat, although personally she still had her doubts about the demon. Aloud, though, telling her friend to take care of herself was the only thing she managed before the tears choked her up. Kagome looked back at her with a small, wistful smile and nodded slowly. Sango gave her a watery smile in return, and then reluctantly let go. Kagome turned to Miroku, who flashed her his usual grin and pulled her into a hug. She felt his fingers twitch against her back, but they did not stray below her waist.
"You will be fine," the monk murmured into her ear.
"I hope so," she sighed in reply.
He shook his head.
"I know so."
He released her, and looked at the silent demon lord standing on the side while the group wished their heartfelt goodbyes. The monk's violet eyes met his golden ones squarely. Then, the daiyoukai slowly nodded in response to the man's unvoiced plea.
Keep her safe.
He did not need the monk to tell him that, she was his mate, Sesshoumaru mused, as he watched the miko approach him. She was his to protect.
The woman stopped in front of him.
"Let us go," he commanded in his monotone and turned his back to people gathered to see them off. Her footsteps followed him out of the village, unwavering.
He silently nodded his assent. She was his responsibility now.
He would protect her – even from herself.
L-A-L
The sunlight dappled through the branches bowing in the light breeze. Though it was August, the weather was hot and humid, as it had been ever since the rainy season had subsided. It was the third day since they had left Edo, and Kagome had learned that Sesshoumaru did not care for roads – a fact which Kagome silently blessed as she wiped the light sheen of sweat from her forehead. At least the forest trees provided shade for them. That was probably not the reason he had opted to walk along the forest paths; he walked where he pleased. Privately, she suspected that the primary reason for his apparent aversion to roads was because he wanted to avoid other travellers, and that was fine by her. She remembered the vary suspicion and sometimes open hostility she had faced when she had been travelling with Inuyasha and their friends. People did not react well to the sight of youkai and human travelling together. She was sure that it would be even worse now, as Sesshoumaru was a full-blooded demon, and they were travelling alone, just the two of them.
The two of them walked on in silence. Kagome didn't even know where they were going, but that didn't bother her. His silence didn't bother her either. She had noticed a long time ago that Sesshoumaru was one of those people who clearly thought that one should not speak unless they actually had something to say. Maybe his silence would have upset her before, maybe she would have tried to break it with cheery chatter. But now she was comfortable staying as quiet as he was. And perhaps it was because of their mating bond, or because she was slowly getting used to his presence, but his silence did not feel cold or distancing, like it once had. It was relaxed and companionable.
She rolled her shoulders, stiffened from the weight of her meagre belongings. She paused in her steps to dig around her pack for the water bottle. Finally finding it, she unscrewed the cork and took a good long sip. She felt slightly more refreshed as she carefully packed the bottle again. She looked up, to see Sesshoumaru standing still a few metres ahead.
To an outsider, it probably appeared as if the daiyoukai was completely indifferent towards her, as if he was blatantly ignoring her meaningless existence. But Kagome knew that was not the case. Even if he was not engaging her in a conversation, even if he kept walking ahead of her, even if he never glanced at her over his shoulder, she could tell that he was aware of every step she took. Why would he need his eyes to confirm that which he already knew by scent and sound and the indistinct aura? To her, it was clear that any indifference he had towards her was feigned – he was clearly attuned to her. After all, he had stopped nearly the same second she had, and was now patiently waiting for her to finish her little break. Kagome shook her head lightly as she once again began following Sesshoumaru. Her deep blue eyes bore into his straight and perfectly postured back. Through the bond they shared, she thought she knew him a little better now. At times she got flashes into what he was feeling in that moment, and she found the miniscule variations in his gestures and expressions easier to read. Still, for the most part the daiyoukai remained as he had always been to her – an enigma. His motivations for example were something that completely eluded her. But then again, to be honest, she didn't really care about his motives. In any case, the deed was already done and could not be reversed. Kagome stretched, chased the thoughts out of her head and resumed walking.
L-A-L
Later that evening, they finally made camp. That meant, Sesshoumaru stopped at a spot he found adequate, and then seated himself onto the ground while Kagome settled down. She set down her packs and first headed out to the little stream just behind the grove they had stopped in. She knelt by the water to fill her water bottle and then washed the sweat and dust from her face. Her feet were aching, but it was a good ache. Her life had been very settled for the past few years, her body would have to get used to being on the road again. Not that she minded much. The less her life would bear resemblance to the past, the better. She stretched and rolled her shoulders as she stood up. Sesshoumaru's eyes flickered towards her as she seated herself by her pack. She felt very refreshed after eating a portion of the provisions Sango had packed for her. Having dinner and a short rest filled her tired body with a new energy. It made her too restless to just sit around in this little grove, doing nothing. Besides, it was still too early to go to sleep; the sun would not set for at least another hour. Kagome got up again, and paced around for a while, trying to appease the restlessness. After a while, her gaze flitted to her pack, and it struck her – the perfect way to occupy herself. She knelt onto the grass and picked up her bow in both hands. She hadn't really kept up with practice, and now that she was out on the road, there was no telling what kind of things she would encounter. She was not afraid, at this point she would welcome death if it chose to grace her, as a bridge that would reunite her with the man she loved. She also was fairly certain that Sesshoumaru would protect her from any harm, out of obligation if nothing else. Yet, she had never really been the type of a person who felt comfortable relying on others if she could help it; she had been raised to believe in her own strength and abilities. A small smile touched her lips as she picked up the quiver and straightened herself.
The smooth wood of her bow felt warm in her hands, it settled against her calluses like an old friend. She was a bit clumsy notching the first arrow in place, but soon she found the rhythm and the comfortable ease of the well-practised, routine manoeuvres. Holding the long-bow in a relaxed grip and drawing an arrow out of the quiver on her back. Notching the arrow and drawing the string taut. Taking aim at a tree across the small clearing, and taking a deep breath while trying to keep the restless whirl of her reiki under her control. Purification arrows would be overkill for a basic target practice. The string gave a loud twang when she finally released the arrow. It embedded into the targeted tree with a solid thud. A smile twitched her lips, and she completely lost the track of time as she followed the familiar movements, raining more and more arrows on the poor innocent trees. She was so immersed into her practice, that she was badly startled when she was promptly reminded that she was not alone.
"I think that will suffice for one evening, miko," Sesshoumaru's raised voice drawled to break her concentration.
Kagome yelped in surprise and accidentally let an arrow loose. It burst, burning brightly with the errant reiki that had escaped from her control. The arrow landed in a shrub.
Kagome turned, to find Sesshoumaru regard her with a carefully neutral expression, though she could faintly sense the amusement bubbling under the surface.
"You need the rest," he continued calmly, ignoring the unwitting display.
At first she wanted to object, but the unintentional release of her powers had left her wearied. Her fingers ached from handling the string. She set down her bow and stretched as she walked across the clearing to collect her arrows, conscious of the way the demon lord's languid gaze bored into her back.
