Sorry you guys had to wait so long for an update- but here it is, and I hope you guys will like it.

Thank you everyone once again for such amazing and encouraging reviews/comments/favorites etc. you guys are amazing!

Here is the fourth installment.

Reviews+ criticism welcomed.

Love to all XO

CHAPTER 4

"What if I am?"

Jimmy sat on the floor, as still as a statue, as the implication of the mere thought of him being in love with Thomas raced through his mind. He thought about Thomas, and how being with him made him feel. He thought about how he had felt in all the moments he had shared with Thomas, from making fun of other people, to poking fun at each other, to talking, talking about everything and anything. To just the moments of silence they had shared, where they had just sat together, doing their own thing, and how even those moments of insignificant silence bought a smile to his face.

But is that love? He thought to himself. Is all of that love, the way love is supposed to be between a man and a woman? Yes, he loved spending time with Thomas and they did have their moments of banter, but was that cheeky banter flirting? Had he unknowingly fallen in love? But how could that be? How could anyone fall in love without knowing that they had fallen in love?

He remembered all the times he had fancied a woman, and how he had instantly known that he had wanted someone, how his body had let him know that he had fancied someone. His heart had raced, his palm had sweated, and how he had blushed, and felt hot all over. He never felt like that about Thomas. Never had his heart raced, his palms sweated or he had felt an uncontrollable desire to touch Thomas… But then he had never wanted to comfort a woman, never wanted to take all their sorrows away, or to protect them from everything, never had he held a woman's hand as they shared their sad secrets, he had never even been interested in their secrets…

He remembered Thomas's face, his smile, and how his eyes came alive as he laughed, and in spite of the dizziness he felt, Jimmy couldn't help but smile.

He felt like Mrs. Hughes words, had opened a floodgate, a gate he didn't want opened, but now that it was, he couldn't stop thinking. He couldn't stop going through every moment he could think of with him, and nitpicking at everything he had done or Thomas had done, and asking himself, did he? Had he felt something? Had he wanted more than just friendship? Had he wanted Thomas but had locked that realization somewhere deep in his mind and not let himself think about it?

"What if she is right?" he whispered to himself, "what if I do… but I didn't know… or didn't let myself know… But…" He rested his head against the wall suddenly feeling sick again.

He remembered the way Alfred had looked at him when he had caught Thomas in his room. How disgusted he had been. How Mr. Carson, had reacted to Thomas, calling him foul. And it was foul, he thought to himself, a man and a man…

"No…I can't be, I can't be … I have always liked women, slept with women, wanted… only women," he said to himself, trying to sound convincing.


"So the Duke put his pants down to show that he is most definitely not a small man and that Dunham had been lying to everyone!"

Thomas couldn't stop laughing, "you are lying!"

"I most certainly am not! That man is so daft he cannot even get a simple joke!"

"No one can be that stupid!" he managed to say, as he tried unsuccessfully to stop laughing.

"Well he is," Louis, said with a smile, "I hope strength for the poor woman who has married him."

"Stop, I cannot breath!"

Thomas finally managed to control his laughter when he noticed the way the Marquis was looking at him, "I am sorry, the story was just too funny."

Louis smiled, "don't be sorry for laughter, especially a laugh like that."

They stared at each other, before Thomas looked away, "we should go towards the car," he said trying to distract from what he felt.

"You should laugh more often, it suits you Barrow," Louis said, smiling cheekily at Thomas, who blushed uncontrollably at the comment.


Thomas smiled as he remembered the day he had spent with Louis. It had been one of the best days of his life, a day he will remember with stark clarity till the very end of his time. He didn't remembered feeling so happy, and so at ease, since a long time. He didn't know what would happen with Louis, but he would always love him for giving him such a spectacular day. He walked towards his room, his steps more bouncy than usual out of the joy he felt, he almost made it to the door, when he decided against it and instead knocked on Jimmy's door, bursting to tell his friend about the day he had had.

He heard a creek, outside his door, his eyes had opened immediately, he was still, trying to hear if the floor board would creek again, and when he had given up, and thought it to be a figment of his imagination, the floor had creaked again, and the door was gently pushed open. He wanted to get up, and see whom it was, but out of fear and a weird sense of excitement he stayed still, his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.

He heard the footsteps, then he heard the door close, he wondered if whomever it was had gone back, but a second later, he heard footsteps again. He felt his excitement rise, as the footsteps grew closer, he wondered who it was, when he felt someone sit next to him. His breathing quickened, at the thought of someone else on his bed, when he caught the person's scent. He instantly knew who it was; after all he had sat next to him countless times to know that the musky aroma with a hint of lavender belonged to Thomas, and that knowledge did nothing but quicken his heart beat. He felt himself get hot with anticipation, when Thomas finally moved, and before he could make sense of what was happening Jimmy felt Thomas's lips on his.

He opened his eyes, and moved his face away from Thomas's, looking into his eyes. He felt warmth spread through his body as he stared into the brown eyes that looked back at him, questioningly, waiting… hoping that he had not made a mistake, hoping that he would kiss him back. But Jimmy didn't move he didn't say anything, too shocked by what had happened, which Thomas took as a no, because he began to move away, muttering apologies.

Jimmy sat up, realizing that he didn't want him to go, he whispered his name, "don't…" he said, looking into his eyes, and then at his lips, Jimmy held the back of Thomas's neck, "don't apologize, just, don't say anything…" with that he pulled Thomas into a kiss.

Jimmy felt like an explosion of desire, lust and wanting had taken place within him, as soon as his lips had touched Thomas's. He felt hungry for Thomas, his hands raked through his black hair, as the kiss deepened, he pulled him close to his body. Thomas moved his lips over to his neck, kissing, licking biting, making him moan his name, when Thomas suddenly stopped doing what he was doing and looked at him.

"Thomas… what?" Jimmy asked, feeling slightly upset that Thomas had abruptly put an end to what was happening.

That's when Jimmy heard a knock, a slight knock at first, but which suddenly grew louder, and louder…until…


Jimmy opened his eyes, and looked around, his eyes hurt, and he felt dazed as he tried to make sense of what was happening, when he heard Thomas's voice outside his door.

He got up, stumbling a little as he bolted towards the door, not wanting Thomas to come in. He opened the door slightly and walked outside, forcing a smiling at his friend, who looked at him, worried.

"You all right?" he asked after a second.

"Yes, yes…I was just…" he said, hesitating slightly, as his mind started thinking about the dream he was having before Thomas's knocking woke him up.

"Just what?" Thomas asked, "You look so tired, are you feeling alright?"

"No, I am fine, I just fell asleep, I guess, I-I was thinking, and I just fell asleep."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Just had a …"

"Bad dream?"

Jimmy looked at Thomas, and nodded.

Thomas smiled, "well then, I think you should freshen up, it's almost time for dinner. I wanted to tell you something, but it can wait until after. Do you want to meet me outside after dinner so we can talk?"

"Yeah… that'll be okay."

"You sure you are not unwell? You look white, like you just saw a ghost or something," Thomas asked again.

"No, no…it was just," Jimmy searched for words, as he thought about his dream, "just…"

Thomas smiled, "it must have been a particularly horrifying dream to have you at a loss for words, should I get you something? Jimmy?"

"Thomas, I will just see you later okay."

With that Jimmy went inside his room and closed the door behind him.

He leaned against the door recalling his dream. It had been so real, so intense. He was sweating, his breathing was still slightly heavy, and as he replayed every moment of his dream in his mind, his heart beat quickened, his breathing became more and more erratic, as his body became hot.

He remembered the feeling of excitement… the rush of desires… the kiss. Jimmy touched his lips, at the thought of them kissing, it was like Thomas's lips had been on his, he remembered thinking how Thomas had tasted of smoke and coffee, and how his lips had been gentle but passionate. Jimmy felt aroused, his whole body felt hot with desire.

He closed his eyes, and tried to push away his thoughts of Thomas and him being together. He walked towards his bed, and reached out for the glass of water on his bedside table. He drank some of it, and splashed the rest on his face.

I love Thomas as a friend, a friend and nothing, nothing more, he thought to himself. I like women, I like to sleep with women, and I like to kiss women, he convincingly thought to himself.

"Women not Thomas," he whispered to himself, as if saying it would make the dream go away, would make Mrs. Hughes words less daunting, in fact downright silly. He concentrated harder and harder at what he was saying, hoping that the words will drown out everything else. He sat on his bed, feeling exhausted by the rush of conflicting emotions, and thoughts.

The only defense against him liking Thomas was that he was not interested in him in even remotely a sexual manner. Women had always aroused him, he always fancied women, and so him being in love with Thomas was out of question. Because to be in love, one had to surely fancy someone, want to be with him or her in that way, he had thought. Mrs. Hughes had been wrong, but- what about the dream? He thought, why the fuck did I dream about the night Thomas came into my room? Why did I kiss him back? Why?


Jimmy closed his eyes, enjoying the cold breeze on his face. The last few hours, felt like a hazy memory of events from years ago. He felt exhausted, confused, irritated, angry and oddly alone.

He had gotten dressed after Thomas had knocked on his door again, telling him to hurry up. He had mechanically put on his uniform, without even putting an iota of a thought behind what he was doing. He had made his way downstairs, telling himself to ignore Thomas, and not to talk to him until and unless it was absolutely necessary. But as soon as Thomas had looked at him, he had smiled back; it had been absolutely involuntary, smiling at Thomas, felt like the most natural thing, but what truly bothered him, was how warm and peaceful he felt, at the sight of Thomas smiling back at him.

He had pushed that thought away, and had gone about his business.

As he had served, he had tried not to look at the Marquis, but he had looked, and caught him staring at Thomas. So he had tried very hard not to be bothered by it, after all, he was most certainly was not interested in Thomas, in that way. But he had failed in that endeavor, and thus had had his jaw clenched in a mixture of irritation and anger and himself and the Marquis, through most of the dinner.

During the servant's dinner, he had consciously sat with Alfred, and away from Thomas. Who had looked at him, when he had done so, questioningly, he had even gestured towards the chair next to him, telling him to come sit next to him. But Jimmy had just shrugged and started talking to Belle, who had come and sat next to him, by that time. He had flirted with her half-heartedly, catching Thomas's eye every now and then, but quickly looking away.

When most of the people had finished and gone, Thomas had leaned in and reminded him of meeting him in the courtyard, telling him he had something important to share. And so half an hour later, Jimmy stood in the cold waiting for Thomas, when he heard footsteps behind him, he turned expecting it to be Thomas, ready to tell him he wasn't feeling well, and then walking away, and back into his room. But it wasn't Thomas; it was Belle, making her way to him. He winced; the last thing he wanted was to have someone flirt with him. He had barely entertained her advances as they sat next to each other at dinner, but he didn't think he had the patience for it anymore.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" she asked, trying to sound seductive, which absolutely irritated Jimmy.

He nodded, still looking away, when she came and stood even closer to him, "are you waiting here for Thomas?"

"Yes."

"You may have to wait longer, Mr. Carson called him into his office."

Jimmy turned around, "why?"

"I don't know, but it seemed important…"

He sighed; he was too tired to wait any longer. This day had drawn on, and he didn't have any patience left to endure it anymore. All he wanted was to be in his room, on his bed, surrounded by darkness, and to empty his mind of all the weird thoughts he had been having, and sleep.

"I think', I'll go to my room then, if you see Thomas can you tell him I was too tired so I went to my room?" he asked, and before she could answer, he thanked her and started to walk away, when she held his hand and stopped him.

"Jimmy let's stop beating around the bush, shall we?"

He looked at her, and jerked her hand away, "I don't know what you mean."

"I like you," she said, "and I can tell you like me too."

"I do not," he said flatly, he hoped she will back down, embarrassed at her presumption, but instead she just smiled.

"That's even better then."

"What do you mean?"

"I am not interested in getting married, or having a romance or falling in love, or any of that non sense."

"So? What am I supposed to do with that knowledge?"

"I am not interested in any of that, but I am interested in sex," she said bluntly.

Jimmy raised his eyebrow, "So?" he asked again.

She stepped closer to him, "do I have to explain everything? Really Jimmy, I thought you were a man of the world, and not a hopeless romantic like Alfred, who thinks of nothing but love and children. I have needs, other than romance, and you are a man, so I am assuming you have needs too."

Jimmy finally understood what she meant, what she was offering to him. She wanted to sleep with him.

He stared at her intently, looking at her face. She had big blue eyes, brown hair that was tucked in a neat bun, a small mole on her upper lip, and her lips were plump and inviting, her neck was long and slender. She was the kind of girl Jimmy usually went for, he noted, but for some reason he had never felt attracted towards Belle. In spite of her beauty, and she was very beautiful, and her flirting, he had never cared much about her. He may have flirted with her playfully sometimes, but he didn't like her. He had never been interested in her, and felt her persistent flirting was more irritating than anything else.

But if he were honest with himself, months ago, if a woman, even half as beautiful as Belle, would have propositioned him to have sex with her, he would not have thought twice about it. But today he was staring at her, with no answer, no opinion on what she had just offered, and that scared him.

"So?" she asked, waiting for an answer.

He could tell she was getting impatient, but he didn't care, he felt paralyzed with fear at the revelation, he had just had- that he had felt nothing at her proposition.

Why hadn't he started kissing her yet? Why didn't he start grabbing at her clothes, pushing her to the dark corner of the courtyard, desperate to be inside of her? Was it because…

No, he thought, no, no, no- he repeated, I am not- I can't be, I am a man, a real man-

He looked at Belle, who was at the end of her patience. He looked down at her body, her small breasts, her pinched waist, and ample hips. His eyes then travelled to her naturally pink lips.

"Seriously Jimmy," Belle said, finally, "I thought you weren't a wide eyed boy, but an experienced man, otherwise I would not have said anything. You can forget all about it now," with that she started to walk away.

Jimmy grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him, pressing her against his body, he looked into her eyes, " I am a man," he whispered before kissing her.

He soon started grabbing at her clothes, as they both started to recede away into the darkness.

His mind was blank, as he went through what he had to do, as mechanically as he had put his clothes on that evening. Kiss, suck, grope, when he pulled away, his eyes looking behind her for a second before burying his head into the nape of her neck. But a second was enough; he saw a man standing a little away from them, he knew it was Thomas, looking at them.

He slowed down for a second; worried that Thomas might feel hurt, seeing them together. But that thought was quickly pushed away, when he asked himself why did he care about what Thomas would think when he had a beautiful woman, moaning in his arms?

He shouldn't care about Thomas now, he thought, reluctantly continuing with what he was doing, focusing on making Belle moan louder and louder, after all that's what men did…


Thomas turned around and walked back to his room. He kept his head down, his pace fast, and his face emotion-less. It was only when he was in the safety of his dark room that he sunk to the ground and let himself cry.

He had been happy- excited at the thought of telling his friend about his feelings. He had been happy, he was smiling, feeling giddy, as he had remembered the Marquis smiling at him, flirting with him, when his eyes ha fallen on Jimmy and Belle. Seeing them together, Jimmy holding Belle, kissing her, made him feel like someone had wrenched his heart out of his chest and crushed it.

"I was over this! I was over…over him", he said to himself, gasping for air, as he broke into a fit of tears.

He had thought he was over this; he was over his ridiculous love for a man who was incapable of feeling the same. He had thought that every inch of him had accepted that the man he loved could never be anything more than his friend, could never look at him in the same way.

It had been going perfectly, they had become great friends, sharing their happiness, their secrets, and their sadness with one another. He had even started teasing Jimmy about women; it had pinched him, yes, even as he had teased Jimmy about women. But by and large, he had thought he had buried everything away, in some deep corner of his soul.

He had been moving on... he had found Louis, the charming Marquis that seemed to like him. But seeing Jimmy with another woman had shattered his illusion, and the realization dawned on him, that a part of him was still in love with that man…

And that realization did nothing but saddened him more, because he knew that his love will never be returned…

What if Belle and he start seeing each other? He thought, what if what he saw, he would have to endure forever, as they flirt, hold hands, steal kisses and tease each other in front of him.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I love him? Why!" he said, he gasped for air, and fresh tears streamed down his cheeks, "today its Belle, tomorrow it can be some other woman. And I will have to see it all, I will have to be the good friend, the supportive friend, all the while hoping that I could be in that bitch's place. Wishing, that I could hold his hand, tease him, share an intimate joke, kiss him... taste him."


Jimmy entered his room and immediately started to strip his clothes with frantic urgency. He felt disgusting, he felt filthy with himself, with what he had done.

He could still feel her touch on his skin, he could still feel the wet kisses, and hot breath, the digging nails, and it made him sick. He didn't know what had come over him, why he had taken hold of her, why he had kissed her. As soon as she had said, 'man', something had possessed him. He had felt like he had to prove something, and that sleeping with her was the way to do it.

He closed his eyes, as he recalled seeing Thomas there, standing still at a distance. I should have stopped then, he thought to himself, he had wanted to stop, a part of him did anyway, a part of him had wanted to push away Belle at that point, but a part of him felt even more determined to prove how much of a man he was, and that part had won.

His movements had become more urgent after that, his hands had cupped her breasts; he had pushed her against a wall, pulling her skirt up, touching her, fingering her, thrusting inside her- all the while he had felt like he had to show him. Show him that he didn't affect him, that he couldn't change him, that he would always want women, only women.

He walked to his dressing table, and stared at his reflection, his neck had marks, reminding him of what he had done. He felt sick and disgusted by his actions. Not only had he used Belle, for proving something, he was sure he had also hurt a friend.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck am I doing? What is happening to me?"