Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man. I don't make any money from writing this. Please don't sue. I'm broke.
Warning: Yaoi content. Don't like, don't read. I will not say sorry to anyone who might be offended. You've been warned! Also, this is unbeta-ed.
Insomnia: Chapter 4 (Hypothesis Testing)
He remembered this place. The walls, the floors, the furniture, even the air was familiar. The scene was a permanent picture at the back of his head, one that he knew he had always seen before but somehow forgotten. There was his father, clad in his neat uniform, sitting by the fire of the mansion's living room while a woman, pale and had straight black hair sat in front of a grand piano with her back on Kanda. Music filled the room, echoing throughout the halls as graceful fingers work the ivory.
Kanda reached out, wanting to be a part of the picture but a hand was suddenly clutching his shoulder. Farther and farther away, he watched in horror as the scene grew distant and the music faded. The scene did not go, he was dragged out of it. He shouted but his father couldn't hear. He struggled to break free, or at least get a glimpse of his captor but he saw nothing but the back of human form, tall and hazy.
"Mother!" Kanda finally screamed.
The woman suddenly stopped playing and turned to face him. Most of her face was shadowed by her hair but her deathly pale face and the dripping blood from her head were vivid.
"I will curse you," she said, her voice cold and low.
A sudden pain in his left breast suddenly burned his nerves and he cried out in pain, clutching the area as if afraid that it would explode. The sensation was creeping to his shoulder and back like spider veins. He lost his mind to the pain.
Kanda was dragged by his captor around the corner and he was all alone. The sickening feel of cold hands was on his bare shoulders before everything went black.
Familiarity. It was the feeling that first crept into him before anything else, overwhelming him in his consciousness. Never before had the feeling of familiarity tortured him so, the feeling of somehow knowing yet not completely… like trying to catch water or hold on to a slipping memory. What did he find so familiar? The dream had been so vivid to Kanda that he could remember it completely, yet it was also so vague, blurred at the edges so his vision wouldn't be complete.
Kanda sat on his bed, wide awake, staring at the sheets. He yearned to sleep but after having just done so, he felt like it also tired him as if he were awake. It was terrifying.
Despite the bright sun shining in the afternoon sky outside, Lavi's spirits were low. He was pacing in the library, a room that eventually became his territory in the mansion as he thought of Kanda's case over and over again.
It was insomnia. A case like this shouldn't have lasted a day to solve. Lack of sleep was addressed by narcotics. You give high dosage for severe cases but eventually, it would go away. It always did. Insomnia wasn't supposed to cause sudden loss of consciousness without following the sleep cycle or induce other ailments. It was insomnia.
But when had an insomniac fallen asleep because someone touched him? Looking back, Lavi wasn't even sure what happened anymore. Kanda had lost consciousness while he was pinning him down on the table, just like the other time. There was no way he could make that conclusion right now. It was just two instances and it offered no scientific explanation. Kanda could just be tired too, but to lose consciousness because of it? He was sure the struggle that happened didn't demand such great energy.
Lavi continued to pace, twirling a wooden cane in his hand. He was missing something, a big piece of the picture. Or maybe this illness was just beyond him. No matter how clever he was, Lavi was well aware of the limitations of the known knowledge in the field of medicine. There was so much to know, so much to discover, and maybe, this particular case would be over before he knew the answer.
Over? No, Lavi refused to think that. He had not given up on a case before and he wasn't going to start now. He thought of Kanda and how he spent every waking hour wishing he was asleep. Lavi could only imagine the torture. The brain needed time to shut down and process all the information at night when a person slept. It kept people sane. Kanda was no doubt at the edge of it and Lavi refused the idea even more.
But there is a first time for everything. Even the young genius doctor would have to give up someday. The thought scared him and he told himself that his ego would not be able to take it because maybe, just maybe, he wanted to find the answer not only to rub his ego.
"Legal responsibility does not bind us to our patients. We are ethically obligated to treat our patients! As humans. Isn't that what I taught you?"
Bookman's words echoed in his head. He admired the older doctor for his brilliance and dedication to the field so he chose him as his mentor. He had spent years learning from him, but Lavi had not quite understood his mentor's sense of moral responsibility to the patients. Even back in his younger days, Lavi had not shed a tear for the dying. He knew no family so he had no idea what it would feel like to lose one. His patients were his clients, nothing more. Humans were all to die anyway. Bookman can teach him how to diagnose and treat but he can never teach him to care.
He remembered the time when Bookman first talked to him. It was an interview of some sort, only, Lavi, still a student back then, was drinking on the bar while his future mentor stood rigidly behind him with unbelieving eyes. Lavi was laughing at a terrible joke the bartender had cracked when Bookman managed to track him down. He can't remember what the joke was exactly but to this day, he was sure it was bad.
"So this is the kind of person who topped my exam," Bookman muttered and eying the at least half a dozen empty bottles in front of Lavi. "Insolent and a drunkard."
Lavi snorted. He turned on his stool to look at the doctor. "Ya have to admit that it was quite accurate. I've never seen one in real life but the Ailuropoda melanoleuca in books looks exactly like you! Though, I'd have to go to China and see fer myself…"
Bookman narrowed his eyes, seeing a glimpse of what he was getting himself into by taking in the youth under his mentorship. "And you thought you'd share your observation by drawing one on your answer sheet?"
Lavi laughed again. "I had time to kill. Yer test was boring."
Bookman sighed. This won't do at all. He retrieved a single needle under his coat. Even if one had watched, Bookman's arms were swift as he accurately hit a nerve at the side of Lavi's neck. And Lavi wasn't watching. In a split second, Lavi was emptying the contents of his stomach all over the bar. When his gut tugged painfully at being emptied so rapidly, the vomiting stopped. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and glared at the old doctor.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
Bookman smirked in satisfaction. "You passed my boring apprenticeship exam. I don't need a drunken reply so I had to get the alcohol out of your system. Now do you accept?"
Lavi's face went from furious to unsure, to happy. "Yeah, sure!"
Bookman never beat around the bush. He had always hated wasting time.
"Then get off that bar. We have a patient," Bookman told him, walking out of the pub.
Lavi hastily followed him. "That was cool! I didn't know you're an acupuncturist. Current studies still do not strongly support its effectiveness but I guess you just have to mind your aim!"
Bookman didn't know if he was happy or concerned about the comment but he decided to ignore it at the moment. Drunk or not, he would have accepted Lavi. Later on, Lavi would find out that the examination he passed with an impressive perfect mark was penned by Bookman for practicing physicians specializing in the study of the nervous system, an examination only three out of the dozens who took it passed.
"Doctor"
Lavi was a bit startled as he turned to the door to see Alice standing at the doorway. "Alice"
"I'm sorry. Did I disturb you sir?" she asked anxiously.
Lavi shook his head. "No I was just thinking about… things," he said, "but it's fine. What is it?"
Alice looked relieved. "I just thought you might want to know that the young master has woken up."
"I see," Lavi said as he resumed pacing. It was barely an hour and a half this time. For some reason, Lavi felt like he was seeing a pattern.
"Umm…"
Lavi looked up to find Alice still standing in the doorway. "Was there anything else?"
"No sir, but," Alice said unsure. She hesitated and then glanced at the hallways behind her. She then stepped in the library. "I wish to tell you something, sir. I'm not very sure it's important but it would ease my mind if you'd listen."
Lavi looked at her curiously. "What is it about?"
"I was young at the time but I remember some of it still. My mother also used to share things to me," she began. "It's about my lady."
"Yu-chan's mother," Lavi muttered and she nodded.
"The other workers thought she was losing her mind but they don't know. My mother was with her all the time and she said my lady was not crazy… and that she's well learned in witchcraft," she said, her face and voice frightened.
Lavi frowned. "Witchcraft?"
"Yes," she said. "Mother told me that my lady used to summon spirits into the house for good fortune and bring the general luck in battle. She was always worried whenever the master leaves for war so she'd do that. It was a secret but my mother said she found out. She saw it with her own eyes."
"How?" he asked skeptical.
"My lady was quite a powerful witch. It was said that the land on which this mansion stood used to be a dwelling place for evil spirits where a lot of war prisoners were killed, but she drove them away. One of the more powerful spirits refused to go so he fought her until it was beaten down by my lady," Alice said. Her voice was certain and convinced.
Lavi blinked. All the things he was hearing were against all the things he had come to know. He was a man of science and did not believe in spirits and witches. She looked like she sensed his doubts. It must have been the reason why she was so reluctant to tell him in the first place.
"I know it must be hard to believe but you must at least hear me," Alice said desperately. "My lady came from an affluent family of our town before the general married her. We people of small towns live in harmony with these beings but I also didn't believe that the story was true… until I saw the young master's sufferings with my own eyes."
"What does Yu's insomnia have to do with his mother being a witch?" Lavi asked.
"It was that spirit I was talking about," she said. "As the spirit was too strong, my lady couldn't kill it so she made a powerful binding spell. The spirit was to serve her and do her biddings until she died. But the price was high. In exchange for every task the spirit did, it would take something of my lady's in return. To prevent the spirit from causing further harm, she agreed, thinking that she would never need the spirits help."
"Let me guess," Lavi said. "She was wrong and ordered the spirit something for her."
Alice nodded. "It was around the time when the young master was three or four years old. The general was in Japan to command its war fleet when hundreds of pirate ships ambushed them. My lady knew immediately that the master's life was in danger and the spirit appeared to her to tempt her into ordering it. My lady did everything she could to resist but her husband's fate was beyond her craft. She had felt his life fading and that's what drove her to finally use the spirit."
Lavi's hands went cold for some reason. "What did the spirit take?"
"My mother said that the spirit agreed in exchange for her life force," she told him sadly, almost in tears. "My mother had warned her about how treacherous such spirits can be but her need drove her to desperation. Month after month her health deteriorated and they knew the spirit was taking her life with the goal of regaining its freedom after she dies."
"How did Yu fit into any of this?" Lavi asked.
"My mother and my lady knew the spirit was going to triumph soon and it would get revenge by killing the general. She cannot let it free. With the last of her strength she casted one last spell to bind it in this house and strip it from all its powers," she said. "But my mother knew her strength was waning. It wasn't enough. She needed more life force…"
"Don't tell me," Lavi started but she cut him off with a shaky nod. "How can that be? Didn't she love Yu?"
Alice was crying now, unable to give any response. Lavi remembered seeing the only portrait painting of a beautiful woman with long black hair just like Kanda, hanging on the wall at the end of the hallway of the west wing. Her face was fair and full of kindness. It was hard to believe that she was the kind of person who'd give up her child.
What was he thinking? He couldn't possibly believe that the reason why Kanda's health was deteriorating was because of some curse a dead woman had placed on Kanda. His eye landed on the sobbing form of the maid. She really believed it.
"You cannot help him now, sir," Alice said as she wiped her tears away. "My lady's curse is unbreakable as it was sealed by her death. Unless you could bring her back, the young master is…"
"Don't," Lavi told her.
She stared at him. "Not even his mother could kill the evil spirit. It's not possible!"
"No one needs to defeat some evil spirit or raise the dead back to life," Lavi said. "I know you believe this story and I respect that, but this witchcraft thing doesn't touch me. The cause is of science and by science I will treat the illness. Believe in my abilities as a doctor."
Alice smiled sadly at him. "Forgive me but… the young master's life is well beyond your books and medicines' reach, Doctor Lavi sir."
Lavi was taken aback by the sincerity and the finality in her tone. It angered him suddenly. "I will not let Kanda die."
Alice nodded but spoke no more. She bowed curtly before taking her leave.
The following day, Lavi spent his time digging through dusty boxes of portraits, old records, and other things up in the attic. He didn't know what exactly he was looking for or why he was even looking in the first place but after talking to Alice, he knew he wanted to know more about Kanda and his family. As soon as there was enough light, he searched the mansion for Alice, thinking that she could point her to the right direction.
"I want to know more about the family. Do they have a store room or something where they keep records or old pictures and stuff?" he had asked her.
"If you want, I can show you the attic," she said.
She led him up the attic just like he wanted and fetched a lamp to help him in his search. He thanked her and began exploring the boxes and old shelves.
"I'd help you sir but I have to prepare breakfast and bath for the young master," she said.
"It's fine," he told her. He eyed the crowded room and its low ceiling, thinking of where to start.
"You know," she started with a smile, "if you want to know more about a person, the best way is to spend time with them."
Alice did not elaborate but Lavi fully understood. He had thought about it but the idea of trying to chat with Kanda gave him unease. He didn't put more thought into it, hence his current task of digging into the boxes.
A couple of old wooden dressers, wardrobes, chests, and broken grandfather clocks occupied the space. Random things were scattered here and there and Lavi wandered off further into the attic where he finally found the boxes. He found many paintings of Kanda's mother and father inside, dusty but still in very condition. There were also a few family portraits and old blankets along with knitted sweaters. He presumed that those were Kanda's baby clothes made by his mother. Box after box contained these things.
He stood up to stretch before attacking the other boxes. Inside were old and battered books of different languages, and Lavi found himself smiling. It was a pity that such things were hidden up here when they could be displayed in the library. He dusted the covers carefully, appreciating the beautiful leather, golden writings, and even drawings on some of them. He suddenly paused when a big hard-bound book caught his eye, black and bare. It looked older than the others. He blew the dust off before bringing it to the worn-out sofa. He settled on it, carefully placing the heavy book on his lap before turning the cover.
It wasn't a book. Page after page, Lavi observed the many scribbles and rough sketches which seemed to be made in no particular order. Some of the writings were too small, with untidy crossed out words and even full sentences. The illustrations range from different plants, herbs, insects, and constellations to different symbols, transmutation circles, and some others that looked to Lavi like experimental set-ups that were not taught in the university.
"What is this?" he muttered to himself as he continued to turn the pages.
"Remove roots and stir in before the water boils."
A drawing of a plant with three blooms that Lavi had never seen was drawn on the left side of the page. The scrawls that followed indicated the number of stirs to be made clockwise and counterclockwise. It seemed that whoever wrote it recorded the findings as he went because there were three numbers crossed before the number '12' was written and underlined.
He decided to put the book/notebook aside and dug more into the boxes. He found some interesting books and broken jewelries but nothing stood out to him anymore than the peculiar book. Hours have passed and when Lavi finally decided to go down from the attic, he realized that he just missed lunch. Feeling hungry, he started to make his way to the kitchen with his discovery under an arm. He couldn't wait to go through all the pages.
"Where have you been?"
Lavi turned to find Kanda standing a few feet from him and his eyes widened. He was wearing a white dress shirt over black pants and high boots. His hands were slightly covered by the ruffles at the edge of his sleeves but the katana that he had always threatened him with was being held there, ever dangerous. Instead of flowing freely or hanging lowly in a loose tie, Kanda's hair was swept up in a tight and neat ponytail.
"Wow," Lavi blurted out. It was the first time he saw the other wearing something else than the white kimono.
Kanda looked annoyed for a moment before saying 'tch' and dismissing the comment. "I asked you a question," he demanded.
Lavi was suddenly very aware of how that collection of long straight hair was moving behind Kanda. "I was just looking around."
"What is that?" Kanda asked, his eyes directed at the book under his arm.
"I don't know but maybe ya could tell me," Lavi said. "Let's a find a table. I'll show it to ya."
He ended up leading Kanda to the kitchen but not without complaints from the other. Alice was so surprised to find them in the kitchen that she initially stood frozen on the spot as the two young men walked in and settled on the long table where she chopped the vegetables. Kanda immediately leafed through the book while Lavi watched him, waiting for his reaction. He sat across him but the inverted images of the book were already burned into his memory.
"What is this?" Kanda asked, sparing him a quick questioning glance before returning to the pages.
"You haven't seen it before?" Lavi said, scooting a little closer forward and almost knocking off a plate of food that he hadn't realized was there. Alice had apparently started to serve him his lunch.
Kanda shook his head. "I wouldn't have asked you if I knew what it is."
"I found it in the attic," he said. "I think it's a… hand-written book on magic or something. It's got all sorts of symbols, plants, and recipes in there," he added uncertainly.
At that, Alice made a sound and they turned to her. She was looking at the book with a worried expression. "It is a magic book, sirs."
Kanda's face turned from curious to sour. "A magic book?"
Alice looked scared but she nodded. Kanda seemed like he was biting his tongue from saying an insult before he just decided to turn his attention back to the book and spare her. Apparently, he and his patient share the same opinion on magic. She opened her mouth to say something but the doctor caught her gaze. Lavi shook his head at Alice who did not understand.
"I think I'll be having bath after I eat. Can you prepare one for me, Alice?" he said.
"Now sir?" she asked uncertainly.
Lavi nodded. "Yes, now."
"But it's t-the middle of the day," she said timidly.
He discreetly pointed towards the door and it took some moments before her eyes widened in understanding. "R-Right," she said before hastily exiting the kitchen.
Lavi didn't think that it was a good idea to let Kanda hear the story of how his mother was a witch who sacrificed him for his father. At least not yet. Control all the stimuli, Lavi reasoned in his mind, and observe the outcomes. Just like an experiment. He didn't need a confounding variable when he had already decided the dependent one.
"If you wanted her to get lost so you can ask me something, you should've just told her," Kanda said before lifting his gaze from the book and directing it at the doctor. "You act like it's okay for your patient to die if he choose it but you bother with too much politeness in social convention. It's irritating."
Kanda's voice rang with annoyance but Lavi could tell he held no particular grudge about him saying that he was fine with Kanda dying. It roused his playful side.
He couldn't help the smirk on his face. "Sorry 'bout that. I just want you to answer some of my questions."
Kanda thought it was all Lavi really did and he was expecting it. He gave no sign of acknowledgement or refusal so Lavi went on. "What do you remember about your mother?"
The hand holding the book suddenly froze while Kanda's eyes widened. "Why are you asking?"
"I've told ya about the theory I have, 'emotional shit' as you called it. I want to know if her passing away or her absence has something to do with your insomnia."
Kanda was silent, casting his eyes on the book. One of his hands had unconsciously reached for the ruffles of his sleeve and he was now fidgeting with it. "I don't remember much about her. She died when I was really young."
Lavi thought Kanda was not aware of what he was doing. "But judging from your reaction, I'd say you remember a lot."
"I was five!" Kanda snapped at him. "You tell me what you were doing when you were fucking five then I might tell you how I lived as a toddler."
"Just tell me," Lavi pressed.
Kanda glared at him. "I only know what she looked like and that's because of the paintings. I don't remember anything."
"Then why were ya so surprised when I asked about her?"
"Tch," Kanda muttered. He hesitated but decided to answer anyway. "Because last night… after I fell asleep, I dreamed about her. I just thought it was weird that you should suddenly inquire about her… after that."
"Can ya tell me about it?" Lavi asked.
"My dream is none of your business!" Kanda said violently.
"If I'm ever going to help you sleep, you have to tell me.'
Kanda laughed mirthlessly. "I don't need to tell you anything."
Lavi suddenly grabbed both of Kanda's hands and the other stiffened. "Then tell me this, does Alice help you dress? Did she give you a hand putting this on?" He asked while eyeing the dress shirt Kanda was wearing.
"What are you doing? Let go of my hands now you bastard!" Kanda said pulling to get free. He didn't know why but he felt like he knew what his so called 'doctor' was trying to do.
"You didn't sleep when she got near you, did ya?" Lavi said more than asked, copying Kanda and fingering the material of his sleeve. "But ya know, I think I've discovered something really fascinating. I want to test it if you would let me."
Kanda stopped struggling but he kept his angry expression. "What did you discover?"
Something in his gut was going crazy while his skin seemed to have gone more sensitive to everything that he was touching. Lavi had no words for the feeling but he decided he was enjoying it. "Come over here and I'll show you."
"Y-You're crazy," Kanda muttered but was unable to make it sound harsh. He was really curious. This fool had actually made a discovery? Three years of insomnia and he's finally going hear some explanation. Hope threatened to spark in him.
Lavi was just watching him calmly, the grip on his hands tight. His green eye was intense though the rest of his body was unmoving.
"Don't you want to find out?" Lavi asked. "Or you're too scared?"
"I'm not scared!" Kanda said and gave another unsuccessful tug. "I should have killed you when I had the chance. I am the master of this damn house so show some fucking respect!"
Kanda was really easy to provoke, Lavi thought. Without warning, Lavi suddenly rose and walked away from the table, roughly dragging Kanda with him that he almost lost balance. He had enough of the other's words.
"What the…" Kanda muttered angrily as his back was shoved against the wall. He placed his hands on the doctor's chest in reflex, pushing but to no avail. Lavi had settled his arms on the wall beside Kanda's head. He was leaning dangerously close, his weight on the palms of his hands.
"Feel something yet?" Lavi breathed.
Kanda averted his eyes, feeling suddenly disconcerted. "Wow doctor, I would never have guessed," he managed to say but it was lacking the much needed aggression in his tone.
Lavi lowered his head a little so that he was the same level as Kanda. "Oh no, I'm not like that," he said before holding Kanda's chin and directing his face upwards, "and this is just an experiment."
Kanda refused to meet his gaze, stubbornly looking to the side. He snorted in disbelief. "I don't see how this is a fucking experiment! Get off me!"
Doing exactly the opposite, Lavi stepped closer. He silently thanked the heavens for Kanda's androgyny. It made things so much easier, in fact it felt too easy now. He tilted his head to the side as he slowly closed the gap, letting his lips touch Kanda's slightly parted ones. He caught the sudden hitch in his patient's breath and maybe he was slightly turned on. He pulled back a little to see Kanda's eyes shut. It made him smile. Bookman would skewer him if he ever found out about how Lavi was treating his patient. It was way out of the old man's ethical line. But Lavi had never really practiced ethically anyway, the concept did not exist in his mind. So he leaned in again, with more force and passion this time and he felt Kanda tremble, the hands on his chest closing in tight fists as he gently opened his mouth to take in Kanda's lower lip, languidly moving against unresponsive ones.
Kanda was at a loss, having no idea on what to do. He didn't dare move nor open his eyes. But then there was light and he was no longer in the kitchen…
He was lying on his side, a hand stroking his cheek. He could feel the hard muscles of the thighs under his head. Who was it? A painful yank at his hair and he was facing up, struggling with the hand gripping his locks. The hand that was caressing his cheeks was now holding him by the chin. Instinct told him to keep his mouth closed and he did, but then a finger forcefully made its way in and he gagged as it slid on his tongue and all the way to the back of his mouth.
A cold laugh rang in the air before he was being brutally kissed, if one could still call it kissing. He gagged and choked, feeling a tongue shove in his mouth while the finger kept him from closing his jaw. Saliva was trailing down the sides of his lips and he felt sick. He screamed and he choked more. His feet were kicking wildly below him but it did nothing. Tears were running down from his eyes. His arms had given up.
It seemed forever. He found neither pleasure nor numbness. It was pure horror and he felt every bit of it. He wished with all his being that it would just end.
And for a moment it did. Kanda panted heavily as soon as his mouth was free, coughing and swallowing violently. He could barely hear the laugh again. That finger was trailing over his lips now but he ignored it. He tried to look up but the man's face was a blur and all that he could make out was wavy golden hair.
"I like the taste of your mouth."
Kanda felt disgusted with the man even more. He tried to get up but the hold on his hair was not released.
"I would very much like to kiss you more deeply and feel your tongue in my mouth," he said with his voice laced with lust, "but your stubbornness demanded that I do things roughly."
Kanda was silent, not knowing what the other was talking about. Yet there was that familiarity again. It didn't give him comfort, instead it only plunged him deeper in panic and despair.
"Be good now," he heard the other said and he was leaning down again.
This time, Kanda did not fight. He felt his mouth open to welcome the intrusion while his lips moved against more demanding ones. His scalped burned with pain as he felt the other tug at his hair again while a hand traveled from his chin to his neck, and down his chest…
Author's Note: Me and my perverted mind. As you might have guessed, Kanda is 100 percent UKE in my eyes but I sure hope this doesn't turn completely into 'let's molest kanda' fest. I'm not sure how my so called 'plot' is shaping so please give me your reader's perspective. Thank you for the reviews on the previews chapters and thanks again in advance to those who will give them this time.
