A/N: sorry this chapter too me way longer than expected! this chapter was honestly very hard to write. I had an entirely different plan for this chapter, but I've pushed it to next chapter as I really wanted to lay the foundations of the last significant thing that has changed in Garcia's life. I wasn't originally going to follow through when I got this idea, but one of the huge traits I believe Penelope has is that she's extremely helpful, and is willing to do a lot if it means she's doing so. I think she likes to feel needed. Especially if it's by one of the team.

And of course we know that once she gets it in her mind she's going to do something, she's not going to stop until she does! And I thoroughly apologize if there's an error or two in this chapter. I did the final proof of it today and I think I've got a bit of a cold. Without further ado though!

One more note: Dreams will now be written with no separation between them and usual text while flashbacks will be separated with -

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or the lyrics to "Back to me" used in this chapter.

Chapter 3: Back to me


"I remember long ago, the fire burned right in your eyes
you used to light up this whole world, with the magic of your smile."
-Brian Melo "Back to me"


The large cemetery was crowded that day; the never ending sea of cars lined the streets around, some honking at others while they tried to find a spot. The sky was darkened with a heavy overcast, shielding any possible light that could have shone on the city below. People cried, muttered condolences to one another and paid their respects to the large headstone under the towering willow in the corner of the field.

She stood by her solemn looking boss and her best female friend, whose arms were wrapped tightly around her shoulders as she cried desperately into her chest. JJ and Emily didn't even make an effort to be studious as the service went on, their forms visibly shaking as the priest spoke. Penelope's eyes were fixed on the headstone, not a single tear falling from her sore eyes.

Her tears came after.

Reid had seen her collapse to her knees in front of the grave, her body quaking as the sobs broke through the quiet that had fallen over the cemetery. He had taken a step to go comfort the blonde but was quickly stopped by Rossi who only shook his head. Reid swallowed; they both knew she needed to be alone.

She choked as she traced the lettering with her fingers. She whispered inaudible apologies and promises to the stone before shakily starting to rise to her feet.

A shadowed hand grabbed her wrist and she screamed before it violently pulled her back down to the dampened grass.

"Find me."

Penelope's eyes snapped open and shot around her darkened bedroom. She closed them again before groaning. Her pulse hammered in her ears as she breathed deeply, trying to calm her shaking hands. A long beep erupted a second later from her alarm clock as she glanced towards it. Sighing she turned it off. She didn't even know why she still set the damn thing.

The dreams, be either nightmares or pleasant always woke her before it went off. She looked around the dark room before getting up, walking over to her dresser. Pulling out a pair of loose sweatpants and a worn looking tank top she set them down on the bed behind her before slipping out of her pajamas. She pulled on some black panties before reaching for the matching black bra that was haphazardly slung over the chair next to her dresser. She clipped it behind her back before she finished getting dressed into the loose sweats and worn top.

She ran a brush through her shortened hair before pulling it back into a loose hair tie. Her eyes glanced over at the clock.

Five AM.

She had never been a morning person before, she was the girl that preferred to sleep in on the weekends and cuddle under the blankets with some good movies until the week began again. In the last year that had all changed. She heard a series of scratches and whines coming from the other room before she smiled to herself slightly, grabbing the overgrown dog's leash from the kitchen counter as she passed.

Clooney jumped up slightly in anticipation as she struggled to clip the leash to the collar of the squirming dog. "Hey buddy calm down for a second!" she laughed slightly before the animal stopped jumping. She finally clipped the two rings together and shook her head slightly when she realized she forgot her keys back in her bedroom. "One minute, boy. I'll be right back." She ruffled the dog's ears and walked back through the beaded curtain. She walked over to her nightstand and grabbed her keys before her eyes lingered on the holstered gun sitting next to an empty glass. She blinked slowly before she grabbed it, slipping it into the waist band of her sweats.

Clooney lead her out onto the darkened street happily beginning to sniff at everything that they passed by. Garcia shoved her free hand in her pocket and proceeded to follow the excited dog down the block. There were much fewer people on the streets at this hour, and she would not deny that she found the calmer atmosphere comforting. It wasn't until Clooney caught sight of something and started pulling at the leash that she sighed slightly before beginning to up her stride to match his pace.

After he disappeared no one had been sure what to do with Clooney. None of the team really wanted such a large breed in their home. Rossi worried about the messes that would result from his excessive energy, JJ was still afraid of dogs especially around Henry, Emily had Sergio, they had all had circumstances in which prevented them from taking him. Even his family didn't want to take him, too overwhelmed with the entire situation. That had left her. Kevin had suggested the pound, insisting that she didn't need the extra trouble and made sure to remind her of his allergies. Scoffing at the memory she then smiled as she remembered the first night she had brought him back to her apartment. Kevin had been shocked, complained and tried to reason with her, but it was a done deal.

Her worn sneakers made almost no noise as she jogged behind the excited dog. The early morning jogs he needed had been a hard adjustment to make, but in the end it helped her keep a few extra pounds off and made her feel great.

The improved stamina also helped her in the field.

She let her hand fall to her waist, adjusting the holster as she ran to prevent it from digging into her hip. Allowing her mind to wander as she jogged, she reflected on how much everything had changed for her ever since he had disappeared. Here she was running at five fifteen in the morning, she had on grubby sweats and fraying sneakers, her hair was a mess and on top of it all: she was carrying a gun. A year ago guns scared her; a year ago she didn't believe in guns, that all problems could be potentially solved by talking it out and showing compassion. While she knew her team of heroes would sometimes have to protect the innocent, she firmly tried to believe shooting first was not always necessary.

That was another thing that had changed. About five months after he vanished, she had begun training for the fire arms qualification exam.

Loud shots rang through the shooting range as Penelope fired two more bullets at the target hung at the other end of the room. She winced slightly as she didn't see a single hole in the target paper. She grunted, extremely frustrated before setting the gun back down on the surface in front of her. She pulled the padded ear muffs off of her head before turning around, looking at her boss's intense gaze staring at her.

"I know I know! That sucked. Don't rub it in." she mumbled before Aaron shook his head slightly.

"Garcia, I wasn't going to say anything like that." He raised a brow before she turned back to the target, placing the ear protection back over her ears. Even through the padding the shots were loud and merciless, they made her cringe each time. The flashbacks of her own encounter on the wrong end of a bullet had stopped after the first couple weeks, and she was able to focus much more clearly on her target. Picking up the gun from the table with steady hands she raised the firearm in front of her before firing off a few more rounds at the black silhouette.

They all missed.

She sighed dejectedly before she tore off the earmuffs again, throwing them down onto the table in front of her. Clenching her fists tightly she felt a few tears begin to sting at the corner of her eyes, threatening to fall with her ever increasing frustration. Why couldn't she get this right?! She felt a firm hand fall onto her shoulder, gently squeezing it supportively.

Hotch's stern expression softened as he took a step closer to the frustrated technical analyst. He had nearly choked on the bagel he had been eating when she had shown up in his office earlier that month exclaiming proudly that she wanted to start the training and that she wanted his help. It had confused and baffled him, but Garcia had expressed such enthusiasm he had agreed to help her. Now every spare second they both had were spent in the shooting range in a fevered attempt to help her improve before her exam that was in the next couple weeks.

"I just don't get it Hotch! Why can't I do this?" she frowned and her eyes were still watering slightly behind her glasses. "I'm never going to get this." She sighed, feeling defeated and embarrassed at her repeated failures.

"Penelope…" Aaron started "You don't have to do this, you know." He stated and she shook her head back and forth quickly.

"No Hotch, I do." She picked up the gun, running her hand along the shaft slightly as she stared at it intently "You guys need my help out there, and I'd look pretty stupid playing back up without a gun, wouldn't I?" she smirked weakly. Hotchner's brows furrowed, he was extremely hesitant about letting the kind woman before him come into the field with the rest of the team, but there wasn't much that he could do. She was taking all the self defense classes, completing all of the training programs and was taking the necessary exam so that she could get the firearm she needed. Six months ago he would have never guessed she would take on this kind of quest, but the determined look in her eyes convinced him he would help her with whatever was needed to make it possible.

"Garcia-" he started again before she held up her hand, cutting him off.

"It's a done deal, Hotch. I've come too far to back down now, right?" she smiled slightly and a grin of his own tugged at the corners of his lips. Nodding slightly his smile took control.

"You're right. But you're not doing too badly, alright?" he stated before he took a step closer to her. Bringing his arms under hers and around her waist he positioned himself up against her back. He grabbed a hold of the gun; raising his arms with hers he guided her finger back onto the trigger. Resting his head on her shoulder Penelope flushed slightly before looking up at him. "I said I'm going to help you Penelope. You'll get this." He smiled encouragingly before she beamed, turning her attentions back to the target at the end of the range.

"Aright. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Reid all those years ago. What you want to do is focus on the front sight: on the target, Garcia. Next-" he stated, bringing her fingers more firmly on the trigger. "Control the trigger press. You don't want to squeeze too tightly or too gently. And three, follow through. Look right back at the target." He guided her hands as he spoke. He pressed down on the trigger with his fingers on top of hers and the shot exploded out of the gun, going right through the left side of the figure's head. Penelope hesitantly smiled before she felt him back up once again. "Now give it a try." He nodded, his stern expression returning to his features.

She turned back to the target, completely forgetting about the ear protection on the table in front of her. Taking a deep breath she raised the gun straight and quieted her shaking hands. Her brown eyes focused intently on her objective and took another small breath before she squeezed the trigger. A shot fired from the gun and careened straight into the middle of the paper-man's neck. A smile broke out on her face before she turned around, pride sparkling in her eyes. He nodded approvingly before he placed his hand on her shoulder again.

He was unsure if he should bring it to the surface, but he knew he needed to. "Well done, Penelope. Morgan would be…so proud of you." He finished hesitantly before he stared into her eyes expectantly.

She reached out and hugged the unsuspecting man tightly. "Thank you."

She had passed the exam. She'd received her licence and gun a few weeks later. About a month after that she'd officially began travelling more with the rest of the BAU, helping them out in the field whenever they needed the extra man power. Hotch had forbidden her from ever interrogating an unsub in a standoff, saying that he didn't believe she was strong enough and that he wasn't going to risk giving her the clearance to do so.

It had hurt her at first; but she knew that she was much stronger than she used to be: she didn't get nervous around the blood, she was able to look at the crime scene photos without getting sick, and she had even been in a morgue a couple times observing the coroner talk with the team about a victim's injuries. But after a while she satisfied herself with the realization she was able to help, and was doing just that.

The first time she had realized how much this new position was changing her it terrified and shook her to her core. But she could not deny it didn't make her extremely proud of herself, she was actively helping the team whenever they needed backup, and was still doing everything she used to do from her laptops, sometimes at the same time while sitting in the SUVs. Morgan's absence left a huge hole in her heroes, and she had done her very best to fill it.

She owed it to him.

Her thoughts came to a screeching halt when she realized she was finally back at her apartment building. She gathered up Clooney's leash in her hands and panted heavily as she slowed to a stop in front of the front stoop. She ran up the remainder of the steps before she opened her door, quickly locking it behind her when it was shut. She walked over to her phone sitting on the kitchen counter before she picked it up, realizing she had a couple of new voice mails. Looking at her watch she realized it was a quarter past six already. Opening her mailbox she raised the phone to her ear to listen.

"First Message. Hey Penny it's Kev-"

She rolled her eyes and promptly erased it.

"Second Message. Garcia, It's Hotch. I am aware it's early but I need to speak with you as soon as you get into the office."

'Crap 'she thought as she sighed, placing the phone back down on the counter. This was probably going to be bad.

Her lips pressed together as she patted Clooney's head, reaching for the dog food bag under the sink. She didn't regret a word of what she said.

Despite it being only about six twenty in the morning JJ was already hard at work in her office on the paperwork she had that was piling up. She was truly not a morning person and would much have rather kept sleeping, but Will had pulled the blankets off her and kicked her out of bed (Figuratively of course). She scribbled at the end of another page before slowly turning to the next in the manila folder, taking a large sip of coffee from her mug. She wouldn't deny that the sometimes long nights and early mornings this endless amount of paper work took tired her, she wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

A quiet but forceful knock at the door broke her thoughts and she looked up to the source of the sound. Hotchner stood there staring at her intently before she smiled slightly. "May I come in?" he asked politely and she nodded before he sat in a chair before her desk.

"JJ." He began and she sighed, slightly slamming her pen down on the desk on top of the unfinished paper work. Running a hand through her bangs she looked up, a twinge of stress evident in her baby blues. "I need to speak with you about yesterday." He said simply, not beating around the bush any longer.

"You have some concerns." She said suddenly and the man sitting in front of her raised a brow quizzically, startled by her accuracy.

Sighing deeply he let the concern he was feeling deep down wash over his face "I do. JJ…how is she doing?" he trailed off, unable to hide his concern for the troubled woman any longer. While he always had a liking for the bubbly technical analyst, he'd always seemed to care about and protect her as one of his team from afar. Ever since Morgan's disappearance he felt his friendship with her change, they became closer friends, so much closer that a few times she'd even shown up at his house in the middle of the night sobbing. Since that hadn't happened in quite a long time now he was hoping she was on the road up.

Aaron was trying hard not to show the depth of his concern, but with it written clearly all over his face it was a losing battle.

JJ blinked slowly before she smiled weakly. She knew he was not here to fish for information on Garcia like Strauss occasionally would who was constantly keeping a sharp eye on them, just waiting for the first evidence of misconduct, she was not one of the ones that had agreed on her joining them in the field. She nodded slightly before taking a breath "Hotch…she's doing better. I think. She's even talked about going back to her support group. What happened yesterday…I think it was just a fluke. She kicked Kevin out the other day, I think she was just feeling a little on edge and what Bates said pushed her over." JJ concluded and Aaron's brow furrowed.

He chuckled slightly "So that's what I heard him grumbling to Strauss about the other day. About time if you asked me."

JJ laughed and a smirk took over her lips "My thoughts exactly."

A little later in the morning a knock on the door of his office temporarily jilted Aaron's attentions from his paperwork. He looked up to see Garcia stepping into his office, her right hand still on the door as if she were going to knock again. Between her tired eyes and her un-styled hair simply pulled back into a small bun, he knew something was on her mind.

"You wanted to see me?" she asked and he nodded, motioning to a chair in front of his desk.

"Yes. Please have a seat, Penelope." The corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. She sat down and crossed her legs together. He opened his mouth to speak but was quickly cut off by the woman sitting in front of his desk.

"Before you start, Hotch. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for blowing up on you yesterday. I realize I was lashing out at the wrong person and for that I wanted to apologize. But I felt I should probably say that I won't be apologizing to the new guy. He-He might not have known-" she took a deep breath "-but that doesn't excuse it." She affirmed before going to rise from the chair she was sitting in. Before he could say another word she was already opening the door to leave.

"Penelope. Wait." Hotch called out before standing, proceeding to walk towards her. "I appreciate the sentiments behind your apology, but that is not the reason I called you in this morning. I just wanted to let you know that if there's anything you need-" he stated, placing a supportive hand on her shoulder. "You know that my door is always open, right?"

Penelope's brown eyes stared at him for a moment intently, silently mulling over his declaration of support. His expression solidified, inwardly hoping that he had struck a chord with her which would allow him in.

"I'll be running those searches you requested if you need anything, Hotch." Was all she said before she closed the door behind her, leaving the disheartened unit chief to sadly shake his head as he sat back down in his chair. Pressing his palms to his temples he sighed solemnly before returning to the pile of paperwork sitting on the corner of the desk. The feeling of realization began to slowly creep into his conscious.

The once chipper, radiant woman who had helped pull him through his own tragedy and whom his own son adored so much was falling deeper into herself and he had run out of ways to reach her.


"Now I'm reaching out to you, but you look pass me every time
I don't want to see you in pain, I don't want to do this again."


A/N: Even though this chapter doesn't have a lot of actionI hope you all enjoyed this chapter and that you'll let me know your thoughts. I was going to say beforehand but I thought it would ruin the feel of the chapter. I really love Hotch and Garcia's relationship on the show (while rare, it's such an adorable dynamic) and I really wanted to explore how I believe it would develop if their were ever such a loss.

till next time!