My God another update already! This one poured out me and you know me by now, I love a bit of angst!
The 5th Division…
The Second month at work seemed to be easier. Byakuya and Ichigo had fallen into a weekly rotation so that one worked mornings the other afternoons and then they switched for the following week. So okay they did have more than enough nannies, Ichigo thought it was four at the last count, then there were the guards that accompanied them outside the mansion, followed by a Governess for Masaki and two tutors for the boys. Separating them had worked much better, foiling all attempts at a complete revolt and abuse of Kido yet again.
Ichigo singed away at the stacks of paperwork and fumed as a strong gust of wind swept the whole lot off his desk, mixing his piles of 'completed' and 'to do'. Nearly done for the morning and Tamotsu would be here. He'd been suprised by the request just to walk home with him but rather pleased too.
"Agggh damn door. Shut the friggin door out there!" He called out into the void of offices outside his door and crouched on the floor to gather the paper up.
"Sorry Taicho. The door is shut." Momo arrived beside him and began to help pick up the sheets. Ichigo was sure the stuff was multiplying beneath his hands. A small swirl of wind blew through Ichigo's hair and he looked at Momo.
"If it's shut where is the draft coming from?" He said as it blew across his neck and made him adjust his collar.
The Soul smiled please with itself. It could reach all this way now. It could touch him and feel his skin again. Something familiar tugged at its senses and it reached out for what it could be.
"What draft? I can't feel anything Taicho." Momo placed the last pieces on the desk.
...
Tamotsu was so pleased that he was allowed to walk all this way. Getting time with his mother alone was rare and his tutor had been easy to talk around. Okay so he had to walk with him and there were two guards a discreet distance away. But this was relative freedom.
"Oh I must just call into the book shop; I had ordered a text book for you." His tutor Utamuro Ui smiled with excitement. "I know we are nearly there, but if you arrive without me, I don't think that would go down well do you? So just wait here for me. I won't be more than a few minutes."
"Hai Sensei."Tamotsu nodded noticing his guards stop twenty paces away. Good at least he didn't look as if he was being baby sat. The division was within his sights. The gates were just two minutes along and the huge sign of the 5th was clearly showing on the high office walls inside the yard. What did he need guards and tutors for? At six, he was a big boy now, just as his mother had said!
The guards seemed to sense his thoughts and he frowned as he saw them move across the street and block his way. One even had the cheek to look at him and shake his head!
So instead he glanced at a group of kids walking along freely. They dodn't have to have adults with them, that's just not fair!
...
The soul hadn't ventured out of the gate before, it had always waited for Ichigo here, but something today felt just as familiar as Ichigo. Tentatively the bodiless soul stepped towards the source of his curiosity.
...
"Oi!" One of the group of kids noticed Tamotsu standing there and called out. There were four of them in total of varying ages and the tallest about ten was the one speaking. "Alright?" he asked.
"Yeah." Tamotsu answered. "What are you all doing? Do you have school?" He asked as they came closer.
"School? Nah it's the holidays. Blimey where are you from?" He laughed with the others.
"The Kuchiki Mansion."
"Oh posh gaff that one! What's your name?"
"Tamotsu." He said. The soul heard that name and looked up at the child before beginning its hardest to reach that far.
"What you doing hanging around here? Wanna hang out for a bit?"
"I'm going to see the Captain of the 5th." Tamotsu said proudly.
"Wow he's really cool, I've heard all about him." The boys nodded their agreement. "He's a wicked fighter!"
The soul was there, he was there! He could reach and touch this beautiful child on the cheek!
"Yeah, well he's my Mother!" He replied scratching the itch on his cheek.
"Oh my god!" They recoiled. "That means your dad…!" Tamotsu frowned he had no idea what they were getting worked up over. "You're a freak! Jeez keep away you bastard. You even look like him too!"
How dare they talk like that! The Soul was enraged.
Tamotsu felt himself rush forward and strike the boy; his body just seemed to be moving with the wind holding his arm. His face contorted into absolute horror as they ran off yelling names at him.
The guards were already rushing forward but Tamotsu was on his feet heading towards the division as quick as his legs could take him.
...
Back in the division Ichigo finished sorting the piles and felt a strange sense of shock. He frowned and shook his head. Dunno where that came from. He shrugged.
The door to the division flew open and Ichigo just looked up in time to catch his eldest son in his arms. He watched two breathless guards run in after him, closely followed by Utamuro Ui.
The Kuchiki Mansion That Night…
"No Ichigo they are MY children. Not his. They haven't been his for years!" Byakuya spoke in an angry voice raised above its usual level, but still refraining from shouting. He paced the lounge room shaking his head and clearly agitated by the suggestion of letting the boys know about their real father.
"I know that, but obviously people outside this house, know that they are adopted and events like today are going to happen!" Ichigo was deliberately keeping his voice lowered too. The house was large, very large, but he didn't want the children to hear any of this. He didn't want them to even hear that they were arguing.
"So you want to tell them they are the prodigy of an evil raping madman!" The tone was of pure hate and Ichigo stared at Byakuya as if he'd been slapped.
"NO!"
"No? How about saying he was a kind, loving protecting man who cosseted you and was devoted to their care! Or are you going to tell them you loved him?" Byakuya regretted the words the moment they left his mouth and he looked at the appalled face Ichigo pulled. Guilt flooded Byakuya, how could he hurt Ichigo so easily, that made him just as bad as the foul man they were rowing over. He stepped forward reaching out to Ichigo and take back his words with a hug but Ichigo stepped back away from him shaking his head and his eyes beginning to fill with tears.
"How could you…How could you just say that to me! You know what he was like! I can't even believe I'm having to defend myself about this! You promised me… You promised me!" He turned away as the tears fell down his face and his shoulders hunched up tightly the moment Byakuya's hands tried to hold him.
"I didn't mean…" Ichigo shrugged himself free and moved away again. He stared back at the saddened face of his lover showing him the pain written all over his own.
"Don't you dare twist this to suite your argument. They have to know. Masaki already knows of course. Later on questions will come up about why Yoshinori is your heir and they are not. They have a right to know from me, not some group of kids hell bent on causing trouble! You didn't see him, you didn't see him crying and upset and I couldn't give him any answers…Never mind that you obviously don't believe a word I've said about Sosuke and how I feel!"
Ichigo slapped away the hand that was again going to try and comfort him.
"Don't make me regret falling in love with you too." He sobbed. "Don't make me have to go back there, justifying myself and worrying about saying what I feel. Don't make me begin to doubt you like this." He clutched at his chest and slumped onto the edge of the sofa.
Mentally beating himself up, Byakuya would not give up trying to comfort Ichigo. He sat next to Ichigo and again tried to pull him into his arms. Surprisingly, or should he actually think that it was worryingly, Ichigo just crumpled into his chest and let himself purge his negative feelings.
This was no ones fault but Aizen Sosuke and how jittery he had been feeling lately. He had to do something. He had to face this demon and get rid of him for good!
"I don't doubt you Ichigo. I never have…I don't want the boys to think of me as anything but their father…I don't want that man in our lives, he's done enough damage already." Ichigo felt moved to push his lover away again.
He sat facing the other way, wiping his eyes roughly with the heel of his hand and doing all he could to bring himself back together. This was how it happens in relationships isn't it. First the simple discussion that turns into bitter words and that is the perfect chance to finely shout that awful things you had been thinking. When your words have had the affect you desired, then was the chance to lie your way out of it and fool your partner, fool them, but leave the after taste and the doubts in their minds. Just how Sosuke had been; just it seemed as all men were.
"You're just trying to calm me down; you'd say anything right now."
Byakuya stood and abruptly left the room leaving Ichigo shocked that he'd been left. Could he have taken offence to what I said? Does that matter? He didn't care what he said to me! Is that it then? Am I expected to just do as I'm told and not tell the boys? If I tell them that means he'll tell me I was just trying to prove that I could go against him again…What do I do? Am I that controlled by him and I hadn't noticed? Have I fallen in love with someone I shouldn't?
Ichigo startled from his thoughts suddenly as he realised Byakuya was standing in front of him. His hand flew in front of his face waiting to be hit, I was such a jolt to be faced that closely with an angry lover and his mind went on instinct rather than recent experience.
"Ichigo!" Byakuya stepped back shocked himself at the reaction. "Did you think…" Ichigo lowered his hands slowly his face paled at his own reaction. "Did you really think that I would hurt you?!"
"I…I just…"
"Nothing would ever make me hit you. Nothing!" Byakuya so wanted to rush forward and hold Ichigo, his face was so full of pain and confusion. It was that time in his bedroom in the real world all over again, where Ichigo mistook him for Aizen.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!" Ichigo's hands flew to his mouth and he looked to his lover with eyes that implored for forgiveness. Tears were flowing again and Byakuya fought the angry spiral of energy in him that wanted to tear into Aizen yet again.
"Ichigo…" Byakuya sat his angry trembling body on the seat again and let one hand reach up to grasp Ichigo's; tenderness straining at its limit. "Sorry for what? Arguing with me? Wanting the boys to know the truth? Or thinking that I would act like Aizen?" Ichigo buried his head into Byakuya's lap. So that was the reason. "Did I really seem so much like him that you have to react in such a manner?"
"I really am sorry Byakuya. I try…" Ichigo said sitting himself up and yet again trying to stop himself from giving in to his emotions.
"Stop." Byakuya didn't want to hear the excuse that was going to come out of his mouth. That would only mean another reason to feel so pained at how deep the wounds went in his lover. He took Ichigo by his wrists and held his gaze. "If I were to act like him at this point, I would take up my sword and kill myself. I would rather deny you my company than to enforce any power over you." Byakuya pulled himself away from the grief in Ichigo's eyes, he couldn't stand it.
He moved to the fire place and stood looking into the black grate.
Minutes went by with the air thick with tension and Byakuya turned back to Ichigo with his own tears falling down his face. "How do I make this better for you? How do I take away the pain inside you? I cannot deal with it Ichigo; it is like a poison invading your soul and making you impervious to my help, to my care…to my love…To see you like this hurts beyond any tolerance level I have. I try and I try to understand how much damage that man did to you and yet now, even now…you surprise me again…I wish that I had the power to change things and make you better. To give you back the life you lost…but I can't…" His voice broke into a hushed pain filled whisper. "I can't seem to do anything for you."
"No! No you mustn't think like that. Byakuya you mustn't think like that at all!" Ichigo was on his feet and holding his lovers face in his hands in seconds. "You gave me a life better than I thought I would have. You gave me a fucking fairytale! Impervious to your love, what joke it that?" He shook his head. "You're my life…my reason, my strength. Your love got me this far and I know it can't be measured in a specific way, but if the road was a mile long and was going to take me all my life to finish, I know I can do it because of you. Do you hear me?" Byakuya nodded. Ichigo gave him a small smile and reached up to kiss away the tears. "Lets just go to bed and talk when we've thought a little more."
Byakuya held Ichigo from pulling away so that he could kiss him; just a soft kiss lip to lip promising nothing more than a shared understanding. Another hurdle overcome. Another barrier between them gone.
They turned together linking hands to go to bed but Ichigo stopped abruptly looking at the sofa. Byakuya groaned inwardly, here they go again. Now turned out to be the wrong time to give it to him.
"Where did that come from?" Ichigo looked at the innocent looking journal left abandoned by Byakuya in the sofa when he'd leapt away earlier. Ichigo knew what it was the moment he saw it; his diary, the one he had written in Hueco Mundo. "You had it all this time! You had it and didn't tell me! You've read it!" Ichigo looked at Byakuya horrified.
"I was waiting until I knew you could cope."
"And here we are crying like idiots and you bring it out!"
"I wanted you to understand that I care more for those children than he ever did. I wanted you to know that I have only ever seen the last page because I do trust you. I do believe what you have told me."
"How would you know how he felt about them? Its my diary not his."
"You've never seen the poem have you?" Ichigo frowned at Byakuya. The noble picked up the book and flipped it open to the last entry then held it for Ichigo. "If he loved his children, his last words would have included them."
Ichigo didn't want to hold the book, he didn't want to face the unknown again. Scared eyes looked to Byakuya, but he pushed the book forward. This was going to hurt Ichigo and he steeled himself to deal with it.
"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain; or help one lonely person, into happiness again, I shall not have lived in vain. Good bye my love." Ichigo read the words out and stood there in stunned motionless silence. "He knew he was going to die! He planned it. Was everything a lie? Did I kill him or did he let me? Was he controlling me right up to the moment he died?"
A quiet knock sounded at the door and Byakuya looked around to the servant waiting there.
"What is it?" Byakuya snapped.
"Yoshinori is crying. The nannies asked me to inform you."
"Tell them to feed him, they are to take charge of him and the others tonight. Ichigo is unwell." Byakuya used his curt voice and the servant disappeared without haste.
"I'll take you to bed." Byakuya gently took the book from Ichigo's fingers and wished he had refrained from revealing the diary tonight. Ichigo was certainly not strong enough to deal with it.
"Just hold me." Ichigo stumbled to say. "Just, please."
So they stood there, Ichigo wrapped in Byakuya's arms, his body shaking with his tears of uncertainty and feeling the lash of Sosuke's controlling influence again. Byakuya, silently shedding his own tears for hurt they'd shared unnecessarily. Being in love always brought him pain but then if it meant he had Ichigo, he would tolerate it. He would suffer it eteranally if he could just have him here in his arms.
