Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight. I would like a piece of Jasper though..

Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 4

Build It Up And Tear It Down

Sometimes you laugh,
sometimes you cry, and yes,
I've cried over you.
You've left me blind in paradise.
You've left me hungering for the touch of you.
Snow white angels run and hide in the blackness of the night.

- Never Is A Long Time by Roxette -

EPOV

I must have had a panic attack right there. Watching the car hit Jasper. I had the tendency to pass out when one hit me. It wasn't regular, I hadn't had one in years, maybe four years to be exact. I had my first when I was eleven, my dog died of heart failure when we were camping in the wilderness. It wasn't an old dog but the breed was one to have such problems. Of course it made no difference to a kid so when I saw him collapse in the middle of a run to fetch a stick, I collapsed as well. Lucky to have a doctor as a father, eh? All I know I woke up in the hospital, I was getting extra oxygen and Alice was sitting next to me in a chair. As soon as I opened my eyes she began to speak. "Don't panic..again. Just breathe. He's going to be okay, it'll just take a bit of time but he will be fine. He doesn't need you obsessing over him on the expense of your own health. Breathe, Edward." she said, squeezing my hand. I closed my eyes for a moment and did as she told me to do, breathed for a moment and then managed to ask "How bad?" and opened my eyes so I could tell if she was totally honest. She sighed and squeezed my hand. "Luckily the car wasn't coming at him fast and the driver had a time to break and steer a bit... He broke his leg, some ribs, severe concussion and they had to operate on his arm but he'll be fine in a few months. They're keeping him in a coma for a while just to be sure that his brain gets the rest. Dad insisted." she said and smiled a bit.

No surprise there, so I was in the hospital where our father, Carlisle, worked as well. "So he took over as soon as he heard, like he usually does?" I asked a bit dryly. "Edward..." Alice said in a slightly warning tone. As loving as our father was, he could be slightly controlling and think that he was a superman. "I'll behave." I promised and then looked at myself. "I passed out?" I asked, knowing the answer already. "Yeah, they thought it better to get you here as well and then of course dad insisted on the IV and the oxygen and all that... He says you should consider getting a medication if you have more attacks like that one." she said sheepishly, because she knew I hated that they meddled and spoke behind my back. "When can I go see him?" I asked. Of course I was a doctor myself, not in this hospital but I knew better than to just make a scene. I wanted to see Jasper, but he was not conscious and I needed to think. This all just added one thing to what was already wrong. I had caused this. If I hadn't been stupid, I wouldn't have been away from my Jasper, he wouldn't have ran after me and across the street. The sickening thud in my memory replayed in my ears. I cringed.

"I called Mike this morning. Going to go see a shrink. Figure myself out." I said suddenly, looking at Alice's pixielike face. "That's good. Though it has been pretty simple for me all along." she said and smiled, stroking my hand with her petite fingers. "It has?" I asked, a bit surprisingly. "Edward, you know I love you to bits, right? But you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed..." she said and grinned a bit and held her hand up a bit. "I should let you figure this out on your own. When you go see the shrink. So I'll do just that and I'll go tell mom you're awake. She's been sitting with Jasper until the Whitlocks get here." she said and excused herself from the room before I could make any questions. What did she mean by that? I had no time to dwell on it for too long. I was eyeing my IV when Esme, our mother, walked in to the room. "Oh Edward, you two scared the living daylight out of us all!" she breathed and rushed to hug me. "Sorry, mom. I'll try not to pass out again." I said, like I always did after these attacks. "Shush." was her reaction, like always, but I made her smile anyway. "How's Jas?" I asked and she looked at me reassuringly. "Your father took over and is monitoring him closely. Edward...your sister told me something..." she frowned a bit, with the look she always gave when we had done something bad as children. "Mom...I'm working on it. Trust me. I'll make this right again." I sighed and she nodded, cupping my cheek with her hand. "I trust that you will. I don't want you two to break up. You aren't this man, Edward. You're our son, you don't have to be that man." she said and at first it made no sense. When it finally did, I understood what Alice had been saying. The trip to the shrink would be interesting, I was sure of it now.

JPOV

I remember Edward. Running away from me and Jake. Of what most likely looked like a very suspicious scene because Jake was demonstrating a point. I remember sprinting after Edward. And then nothing. Until I saw the cream colored walls around me and Carlisle's face, smiling at me. And pain, there was pain. Everywhere. "Oh shit..." I mumbled and Carlisle chuckled. "More pain medication, I take it?" he asked and I nodded which made my head and my whole right side burn. "Please..." I said and then my mother was there, fussing about me and giving me water and what ever else she could do to make me feel better. Luckily Carlisle shooed her out of the room and told her and my dad to come over the next day, visiting hours.

When the pain meds kicked in I was feeling a bit floaty but otherwise fine. Carlisle pulled a chair next to my bed and sat down. "Jasper, what do you remember?" and I told him everything I could and then he filled in the details. They had kept me in a coma for two days just in case, my ribs were broken, my leg as well but not as badly as they had thought at first. My arm had it the worst, it had been broken and there had been some nerve damage but they had operated on it and it looked like it would be almost normal once I had healed. I nodded a bit at his words. "And Edward?" I asked. Something in Carlisle's face told me that everything wasn't completely fine with Edward. "Don't worry, he's okay. He had a panic attack when he saw the car hit you. I kept him here for a few hours. The thing is Jasper...he blames himself. For what happened to you." Carlisle said and looked down. Of course..that sounded like my Edward, didn't it? "Could you call him? Tell him to come here? And no excuses." I asked Carlisle in a whisper. He nodded and left the room.

I must have drifted off for a while. When I woke up, Edward was there, leaning on the doorframe of my room. His face was pained, like it was him in pain instead of me. "Would you come here?" I asked, my throat feeling raspy and I eyed the pitcher of water on the table next to my bed. He took the hint and poured me some, helped me drink and then put the glass down. He sat down on the chair Carlisle had left behind. "Edward... This isn't your fault." I said and held up a finger on my better hand. "I ran after you and didn't look at where I was going. You were bound to run, when you saw me and Jake like that. He was demonstrating a point. He was explaining how he saw what happened at the club. He wasn't really going to kiss me and I wouldn't have kissed him back. You know that, right? You saw a part of it that looked bad and ran and I had to try and stop you. I didn't look where I was going.." I rambled on and on until Edward placed his fingers on my lips. "Shut it already. I know I've done wrong. I know I shouldn't have ran in the first place. I should have been an adult and stayed and discussed. We will never agree on this, Jas." he said and didn't let me speak. "I...I want you to know that I'm working on this all. What happened at the club and what caused it to happen.. I'm going to see a shrink. I called Mike and he referred a good one. I'm trying to change...for us. If you still..." his voice broke and he looked down, pulling his fingers away from my lips. Suddenly he was so insecure, he looked broken somehow. It would have been so easy to say yes. So easy to brush it all aside but I couldn't do that.

I looked at him and thought for a moment. "Edward...you know I love you. That won't go away. I need to heal first, get myself physically together before I can...make decisions. I'm glad you're trying to grow as a person. It's about time," I smiled a bit which made him let out a little snort, "but I can't tell you the answer right now. You have to understand that. I love you, but there's too much... And there's no-one else either. Just you but...I need time." I said in a whisper and then suddenly Carlisle was back in the room. He saw the scene in front of him. How defeated Edward must have looked to him and then he looked at me. "You are getting tired, Jasper. I think that I'm letting you go home on Friday but we need to settle where you go. You two need to figure that out. I know your parents would like to have you at home but I doubt that's quite where you want to be?" he asked and smiled a bit. I shook my head. "No, I don't think it's a very relaxing environment." I grinned a bit. "I can take care of him." Edward looked at Carlisle, there was determination in his gaze. "I'll figure the work stuff out and take some time off. When I need to work I'll ask our friends to be with Jasper. We can figure it out." he said and I knew better than to argue. This was his way of punishing himself, having to pay back and to be selfless and I knew he needed to do this. So I didn't argue. All I knew it would be an interesting few months...

EPOV

Later Jasper would call it 'the time Edward did'. Like I was in prison. Yeah. Taking care of the love of my life was a punishment, or so he saw it. Maybe in a way when I offered to do it, it was on some level. I broke him, I could fix him again-type of deal. So I went to therapy, I took Jasper home and I took care of him. After two months his arm was good so he could move around in a wheelchair and made me go back to work. His ribs were sore for over a month and his leg, which was supposedly the easiest part of the recovery, took more time than anyone expected.

There were situations that tipped the scale for us. When I had to take care of him, lift him and help him shower and cook for him and sometimes, when he was in pain because the nerves on his hand were slowly healing, I just held him. Before it had always been me. The one who Jasper took care of. Never had it been the other way around. That was something my shrink, Leah, told me was good. We also established something more ground breaking. Something I beamed about when I got home that day, after my second session. "Jas, I think I got it!" I called to him as soon as I opened the door coming home, Alice was 'babysitting' him while I was away. "Here comes the revelation..." she murmured but left the bedroom where they had propper Jasper to read or watch movies in front of the entertainment center I moved the from the livingroom.

"Okay...let's hear it then?" he just said, a small smile on his lips as he patted the side of the bed I slept on. At that point and for weeks to come, we slept in the same bed because he might need help. We hadn't kissed, we were roomates, or a patient and his nurse. We weren't partners in a relationship. The love was there, but we had both pushed it aside. I needed to figure things out mentally, he physically. I climbed on the bed and sat next to him indian style, facing him. "She asked me about my family. I don't think I've ever felt to stupid in my life..." I sighed. "What, you figured out that your issues, needing attention and all that, comes from Alice being born whereas you were adopted?" he asked, his eyes sparkling amusedly. I think my jaw dropped. "Wh-what?? You knew that all this time??" I managed after gasping for air for a moment. "You needed to figure it out for yourself. I wasn't sure if you knew so I didn't ask. We spoke about it with Alice before. Like years ago. After the first time." he said and pain flashed in his eyes. "I think it might be the real reason, yes. I was saved from my old home and then when I was suddenly the center of attention for two whole years, along came Alice. I think that was it. You remember when we were kids, like ten or so, when I broke stuff and got in to trouble. For the attention." I spoke and he nodded. "Same thing. Yet I never realised it...that I needed the attention somehow. It didn't make any difference if it was positive or negative. When I thought you and the gang were already making your assumptions...gasoline to the flames..." I sighed and he reached his hand to touch mine on the bed.

"Edward, I'm glad you figured it out. I'm glad you're growing. Maybe it will help us eventually?" he asked and there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes. It sounded so stupid now that I thought about it. The little revelation of mine. But maybe I was never too good at searching my own soul instead of blaming others and looking for the fault outside myself. I loved Jasper with all my heart, yet I failed to notice that I hurt him on purpose just to get more of his attention. I didn't think he was giving me enough, I didn't think he really loved me still after all those years...stupid, I know. My subconscious gave me a reason to kiss Paul, to see if Jasper still really cared. It nearly killed him, it nearly killed me too. "You know what's funny?" he asked, shaking me from my thoughts. "The day of the accident, Jake was telling me he thought that it was like that. You seeing Paul suddenly, after our doubts and the wordless blaming we did. That it drove you to dare us all." he said, looking at me. "I should give Jake more credit." I mumbled and looked down. I felt worse, for ever doubting him. "You aren't completely wrong...there was a short moment...he stayed with me in the hotel and...we didn't do anything. He comforted me, you know I need to be touched so he combed my hair and massaged me a bit. But we stopped that as soon as it...felt too good. You know the chemistry I have with him and that can't be helped. But we'd never do anything to hurt you. So in the park that day, he asked me how I'd react if he'd kiss me, wouldn't I instinctively kiss him back. That's what you saw, he was demonstrating that by leaning in. He wouldn't have kissed me or I him. He wanted to show me that maybe you really didn't want to kiss Paul but responded to the kiss because he was there, your first crush and all..." the words flowed from his mouth. They stung and I got off the bed. "I need to...think..." I mumbled and escaped from the room. All I could see in my head was Jacob, in the hotel room with my Jasper...nothing had happened but still...suddenly I doubted Jacob Black again. With all my heart.

Additional AN: Thanks for all the reviews and PMs. Keep them coming. This is shorter but the next one will be longer and probably have some lemony goodness in it as well. ;)