Cas didn't return the next day, or the next, or the week after that. After his worry overcame his fear and rabid guilt toward the angel, Dean prayed to him every day to return.
They plugged a Japanese alcohol demon, which was, admittedly, the most sloshed Dean had ever been on the job and it kind of took the edge off. They took care of an old ghost hotel, and Dean had a chance to talk to Bobby again. Though it concerned him that Bobby hadn't gone into the light yet, Dean was glad nonetheless to see his mentor's face.
"Idjit. Think I don't know what you and your angel have been up to?" He revealed indelicately. Dean blushed up to his ears. "You've got to get over it, son. Just let it go. Love like that… well, it's not just something you can buy in a convenience store and return because you kept the receipt. Shape up, boy. Don't give me another reason to go vengeful spirit on your ass."
Bobby tried to joke, but Dean couldn't hear it as a joke when Bobby was already headed down that dark path.
Dean would lie awake at night and pray, quietly, to Cas. He would whisper that he's sorry, that he shouldn't have pushed him away like that. He got angry sometimes and accused Castiel of punishing him, making him worry so goddamn much without bothering to let him know he wasn't leviathan lunch.
It wasn't until the fiasco with the tablet and prophet kid that Cas finally re-entered Dean's life, and in the worst way possible, too.
Meg found them somehow. Dean was eating fucking rabbit food with Sammy in the goddamn park like lunching old ladies, after the leviathans finally released their poisonous additives into the population and he had no choice in the matter, when she made her appearance.
"Mighty fine day for a picnic, boys."
"Mighty fine day for some demon slayin'." Dean replied cheerfully, gripping his dagger tight at his waist where it was concealed beneath his coat.
"Oh, I wouldn't kill the messenger before she's delivered her goods." Meg grinned at him. She was a dark shadow against the bright sky from Dean's low standpoint on the grass.
"And what's the message?" Sam asked.
"I've got something you want. I'll be more than happy to turn him over to you… but I'm a freaking demon. I'm going to need something in return."
"He? He?" Dean jumped up off the ground so fast he dropped his banana. "Tell me where he is now or I swear to God-"
"Settle down chipmunk, what I have to bargain is easy to give. I need your word you won't kill me. Also, your allegiance. Temporarliy."
"I will kill you if you don't tell me where he is in the next five seconds." Dean's voice was shaking now. He knew there was something wrong. Cas wouldn't punish him with the silent treatment.
Sam grabbed him and stepped between him and Meg.
"Just wait, Dean. Why do you want our allegiance?"
"You think pissing off the King of Hell wins you friends? In hell, where no one knows the meaning of the word to begin with?" Meg drawled, eyes darting between the brothers. "Look, you're the only ones with balls big enough to try to chop off his. I'm not free until he's gone. It's an organic process, sweet cheeks."
"Fine. Whatever you want. Just bring us to him." Dean grit out through his teeth.
"We can't guarantee allegiance, but we won't actively plot against you if you continue to be friendly with us." Sam added.
Meg eyed him.
"Well, that's pretty piss poor but it's probably the best I'll get and I really want to kill Crowley. I've got your angel stashed in my trunk."
Dean bit out some curses that caused Meg's eyebrows to shoot up and a mildly amused smile to flit onto her face before she turned without another word. Dean stalked after her, fingering his blade with longing.
Meg stopped at a car she must have stolen, navy blue with darkened windows and new tires. She popped the trunk and there was Cas, curled into the fetal position, staring blankly ahead.
Dean spat out a few more curses then and immediately reached in to haul Cas out. Cas didn't help much, only moving the way Dean directed him to, with that same sickly blank look on his face. His skin was greyer than Dean had ever seen it, and he didn't seem to register Sam or Dean's presence. He stood fine on his own, once Dean got him standing.
"What did you do to him?" Dean checked Cas' temperature and felt his clammy cheeks, alarmed by the dead look in his eyes and the sickly color of his visage.
"I didn't do anything to him. He's been eating the people food. Guess he missed the memo on that when you two were busy being bad friends."
"No he watched the news with us, he knew this was coming. He knew." Dean said quickly to Sam, confused.
"Couple of demons nabbed him and were on their way to Crowley. Lucky for you I still have connections, if reluctant ones, and I heard they'd captured Clarence here and rescued him."
"Then stuffed him in a trunk." Dean muttered, irked by her portrayal of herself as a hero.
"He's an angel. I'm a demon. Easy way to get fried, letting your guard down around one of them." She defended herself coolly.
"How long has it been since he last ate the additives? Will it be out of his system soon?" Dean couldn't keep his eyes off Cas. Even the color of his hair seemed to have diminished in the weeks since he'd seen him. It was a muted, mousy brown and it scared the shit out of Dean.
"Well…" Meg said.
"You've been dosing him." Sam concluded, narrowing his eyes at her with a look of disgust.
"I repeat- angel, demon." She pointed to Cas and then to herself. "I had to keep Clarence docile so he wouldn't try to smite me."
"Fuck you, Meg."
"Yeah, you're welcome for saving your buddy and hand delivering him to you." Meg said, unfazed. "Jeez, what's up his butt?"
"Well, 'don't mess with Cas' is rule number one." Sam said, his eyes flicking between them. Dean waved a hand in front of Cas' eyes; nothing.
"Epic bromance, huh? You jealous?" Meg quirked an eyebrow. At Sam's silence, Meg grew disappointed. "So it's like that, is it? Too bad. I was hoping for a tumble in the sheets with Clarence once his noodle cleared up. He's pretty cute when his eyes aren't as empty as the pits of hell."
A snarl rose unbidden from Dean's mouth.
"I wouldn't count on it." Sam said with a slight smile.
Well, Dean was in a mood. He was done. Done with dealing with crazy shit while worrying about his best friend and possible love interest, especially when every plan they had fell to hell. They were taking a weekend before leaping back into this goddamn impossible fray.
They arrived at the cabin with Meg complaining loudly about the need for a demon trap under her bed. Sam was in full bitchface mode, as Dean had let him argue with the obnoxious demon for most of the ride.
"You sleep in a Demon Trap or we dump you on the side of the road to find your own place to sleep."
"You realize I have no problem slitting the throat of some apartment owner for a bed, right?" Meg looked irritable. "God it's like you forgot I'm a demon."
"You must have forgotten that we're hunters." Dean spoke up for the first time in over an hour. "This truce isn't that stable, scum. You threaten innocent people and we will still end you."
"I just want to be able to get up to pee in the middle of the night, alright?"
"We'll give you a bucket." Sam's voice was iron.
Meg rolled her eyes in turn, but she turned her eyes to the window.
"Meg." Cas muttered, staring out his backseat window. Dean straightened from the slouch he'd sunk into listening to Meg's whining.
"Did he just say something?" Dean asked Sam urgently.
"I think so. What's up Cas?"
"Meg is... a demon." Cas muttered again, slow, like he couldn't quite process his own words.
"That's right, Cas. You starting to recognize people again, huh?" Dean might've said it too brightly, but if Cas was talking without a prompt it must mean that those Leviathan additives were wearing off and that thought caused Dean's heart to roll over.
"Meg." Cas repeated.
All was still in the cabin. Cas was tucked into the guest room bed with a homemade quilt pulled up to his chin, Meg was safely snoozing above a Devil's Trap in the backseat of the impala, and Dean assumed Sam was off to bed on the couch. Sam had willingly volunteered himself for the couch before Dean could say anything, and Dean tried not to think too much into that and where Sam expected him to sleep.
Dean shut off the water as he zipped his toothbrush in his travel bag, his thoughts on Kevin Tran and how they were going to rescue the poor bastard.
Cas' flat blue eyes kept intruding on those thoughts, though.
Dean checked to make sure Sam was still asleep before creeping to the bedroom where Cas was sound asleep.
He looked less like an emotionless wreck with his lifeless eyes closed in sleep. Dean had seen sullen Cas, sarcastic Cas, eager-to-please Cas, angry Cas, and, on the rare occasion, happy Cas, but Dean couldn't remember a time when he'd seen Cas so damn peaceful.
Maybe Dean should try some of that Leviathan additive for sleeping when this was all over.
Dean found himself drifting into the room, hand trailing along the pretty red and gold quilt and up to Cas' scratchy, stubbly cheek.
"I thought you'd died on me again." Dean whispered, stroking his thumb along the planes of his face.
Dean had a hard enough time hugging his own family. He always wanted to show more affection, but it just felt… weird. Wrong, somehow. Maybe because he wanted touch so desperately that he was afraid someone might recognize that.
Whatever it was that usually held Dean back, it held him back now. He wanted to climb under the covers and hold Cas until he woke up, hopefully more like himself than he'd been today. Meg mentioned something about Cas still being partly Angel, that the additives wouldn't affect him for as long as a normal human.
However long it would take, Dean wasn't that patient.
In the end, he won out over himself. He did climb into the bed. He did, if awkwardly, wrap his arms around Cas and listen to the other man breathe steady and slow. He tucked his chin, tentatively, along Cas' shoulder and inspected the curling hair behind Cas' ears, stroking it briefly just out of pure curiousity as to how it would feel, before his eyelids drifted farther and farther down and Dean couldn't hold them open any longer.
When morning light peaked through the faded curtains, Cas was already awake and (surprise surprise) watching him. Dean didn't jump nearly as high or as quickly as he had in previous situations where he'd woken up to Cas watching him.
"You slept with me." Cas said simply. His eyes were still a little hazy, but sharper than the day before by far. His coloring, overall, had improved from its previous greyscale.
"Yeah. You scared the hell outta me. Had to make sure you weren't goin' nowhere." Dean mumbled, wanting to curl back into the first sound night of sleep he'd had in weeks.
"You said nothing more should happen between us." His intense eyes never left Dean.
"That was before you went and got yourself kidnapped." Dean sighed, aligning his body more comfortably next to Cas. He hoped Cas would let it go. He really didn't want to talk about it.
"So," Cas' forehead crinkled in confusion, "you want to be together now?" The hesitant hope and defensiveness in Cas' voice made Dean shiver.
"Yeah." Dean stared hard at the tendons in Cas' neck. "Yeah, I guess so." If the alternative is not to have you at all. "If you still want to, that is. I know I was a dick to you." Dean chanced a look at Cas' face, but he couldn't read anything there. He decided to just surge forward on the off chance that Cas would still accept his sorry ass. "But Cas, don't… don't expect too much out of me. I'm not good at this. I don't do… feelings. I don't talk about… well, this stuff." Dean huffed, already feeling unbearably awkward. He kept remembering the hole in his heart when Cas left, and he couldn't let that happen again; so he would push through it, say the words Cas needed to hear, and try. Dean could try. "It really sucked when you were gone, and I don't want that again."
"I have been gone before, Dean." Cas said gently, twisting in Dean's arms until their chests were pressed together and the full heat of Cas sunk through him. He was like a radiator on such a cold morning. "You never had any epiphanies over our relationship."
"I didn't know I wanted a… relationship… then." Dean said quietly.
"So you do?" Cas asked again.
"Dude, don't make me repeat it." Dean felt like burrowing into Cas' shoulder, but that would be way uncool. So he just sort of awkwardly looked awkward and avoided Cas' eyes while a small smile started on Cas' lips. Dean hadn't seen that smile before. "You have to… I can't talk about this stuff, ok? That's just part of the package. Sorry Cas." Dean said. He was not blushing. Dean Winchester didn't blush.
Cas draped an arm over Dean's side, rubbing soothing circles into his side through his shirt. Cas snuggled closer, their faces impossibly close now. Dean could feel his breath on his cheek, but still Cas didn't kiss him. He just looked, looked over everything that Dean was, every freckle.
"Dude." Dean was not blushing.
"You said no talking. I'm not talking." Cas grinned, full on grinned, at Dean, but then it faded to actual concern. "Does it bother you?"
"No." Dean said, dropping his gaze. He felt Cas smile more than he saw it.
"I missed you too, but I always miss you so that was nothing new for me." Cas whispered, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Dean.
Dean didn't have anything to say to that so he just closed his eyes and tried to ignore how weird it was that he and Cas were being fucking romantic.
"You say 'dude' a lot when you're uncomfortable." Cas observed sleepily. Dean opened his eyes briefly as a smile of exasperation hit him. Even though it made him mildly uncomfortable, he was equal parts happy and comfortable.
Dean could try.
