Homefree

Act 1

Section 2

Part 1

Jason: Insert SBURB client disk.

You insert the disk and prepare yourself for…what? What the fuck is this shit? This isn't goddamn Windows XP here. This is supposed to be the game of the year! This is supposed to be SBURB! And all you get as a start screen is this shitty command prompt? Goddammit.

Jason: Throw your hat down in disgust.

You aren't wearing a hat.

Jason: Look at Pesterchum.

HP: Jason.

HP: Hit enter.

HP: Jason.

HP: Jason!

HP: JASON!

MC: Okay, okay, I'm hitting enter.

HP: Good. We will be getting started then.

Jason: SBURB.

Alright. Now THIS is what you're talking about! This is the exact sort of needless flashy loading screen you've come to expect from a game as awesome as this one! Hell. Fucking. YES!

Jason: Talk to HP some more.

HP: We're in.

HP: I'm looking at a game FAQ from someone who played the beta about fifteen years back and…oh shit.

MC: What?

HP: Apparently, according to the FAQ, which is by a lady by the name of Rose Lalonde, this game will inevitably be your doom.

MC: Oh great. Just goddamn fucking wonderful. It's like getting a bucket of piss on each day of Christmas, only that bucket of piss is actually a goddamn time bomb set to destroy Earth as we know it.

HP: Precisely. The only hitch is, if you can enter the game fast enough, you can survive the meteor's impact.

MC: Oh, so it's a meteor? Great. Now, instead of piss bucket-shaped time bombs, we got giant hurtling space rocks. If I can save myself from death by space rock, which honestly isn't the best way to go out, then we should get to work.

HP: I will start deploying the necessary objects needed to enter the game.

MC: You do that.

Jason: Hear a few loud crashes.

You hear three loud crashes in quick succession, and then a small plop, near you. You look down at the ground and spot what looks to be a captchalogue card with holes in it. Okay, this seems to be going down a route that you may or may not understand. Shit.

Jason: Captchalogue the punched card.

You captchalogue the card, which appears to be holding an apple. A dark green, motherfucking shiny, goddamn apple. This just gets better by the second. You can only assume something will happen when you consume this apple, but you cannot be sure until you take a bite of that revolting looking apple.

Jason: Go investigate loud crashes.

You run out to the living room and spot three strange devices out in the middle, with all of the furniture now occupying other random areas of the room.

Jason: Investigate devices that caused loud crashes.

You step up to the first device, which appears to be a small pipe with a valve and a timer on the base. The timer reads 00:12:15. That cannot be good in any way, shape, or form. You guess that this counts down to the time the meteor crashes. Great. Just…just great. There is nothing else to say on the matter. You think HP is pestering you again.

Jason: Answer HP.

You run back upstairs and answer you chum.

HP: The FAQ says to open the pipe-like device by turning the valve. Then you use the dowel that pops out to carve a totem, which is accomplished by placing the dowel in the clamp of the sowing-machine-device-thing and then placing the punched captchalogue card into the slot on the left side. You press a couple buttons and it carves the totem. Then you place the totem on the pedestal on the platform device and you push a few more buttons. The apple is created, and then you eat it.

HP: Jason? Did you get that?

MC: Yeah. I got it.

HP: You know, instead of running back and forth, you could have just used your phone.

Jason: Facepalm x2 Combo.

You gracefully perform an ill-mannered and self-punishing Facepalm x2 Combo.

Jason: Pull out phone and continue to talk to HP.

You pull out your BroPhone SUBURBAN XIV. You love Bro's inventions. They are so goddamn COOL!

MC: Alright then. I'll go perform the series of tasks necessary to saving my ass.

HP: Good. I will continue to read the FAQs for further information.

MC: Keep me posted.

HP: Will do.

Jason: Perform series of seemingly pointless tasks.

You follow HP's advice until you reach a standstill on the first step. The goddamn valve won't turn. It looks like something is pushing up on the lid on the pipe, but you can't seem to get it out.

MC: I can't open the pipe-thing.

HP: Oh yeah. The FAQ mentioned an inability to open the Cruxtruder, which is what that is called. One moment.

Jason: Stare in awe.

You successfully stare in awe as Alayna proceeds to drop a fucking couch on the lid of the Cruxtruder. It bursts open and the dowel she mentioned popped out. Another object popped out too.

Jason: Examine the other object.

This is a giant fucking floating spirographical ball of green floating shiny awesomeness. You love this ball. This ball is so baller, you could turn it into a beach ball. Your chum is nagging at you again.

HP: That is the kernelsprite. You have to toss something into it to 'prototype' it.

MC: Okay then. Let me find something good.

Jason: Find something to prototype kernelsprite with.

Your eyes begin the search for an awesome object, but they then lock onto an object that brings only one word to mind that is floating towards the kernelsprite. That word is trauma, and that object is one of the impudent, jutting out, and bulbous puppets. You shake your head in disgust and move to intercept.

Jason: Leap of Faith!

You perform one of your most dangerous moves: Aerobic Badassery Level 99: Leap of Faith. With a great step forwards, you bound into the air and snatch the puppet from the cursor's grasp. With the successful interception and retrieval of the impudent puppet, you reward yourself with more Gushers. Damn, these things are so good.

Jason: Quickly toss one of your spare fetch modi at the kernelsprite.

Before Alayna can do anything more stupid than tossing puppets at the kernelsprite, you chuck the Array modus at the kernelsprite. Oh wait. Shit. You watch in horror as another puppet flies into the kernelsprite, followed by the array modus. God fucking damnit.

Jason: Place dowel into clamp and card into slot, then push buttons.

You clamp the dowel into place with the vice-like part of the machine. Then you insert the card into the slot on the left side of the machine, and then press a couple of buttons. A strange looking carving blade appears over the clamp. The dowel begins to spin at an incredible speed, and as the blade touches the dowel, the spinning stops. The carved dowel has been created.

Jason: Retrieve dowel, and make haste to the platform device!

You snatch the dowel from its former prison and slam it onto the pedestal. After pressing a few more buttons, an object begins to take shape on the platform device. It appears to be the same object that was on the punched card. The apple shines beneath the bright lightbulbs on the ceiling.

Jason: Check timer.

Oh shit! The timer now reads 00:01:07! Not good, not good at all. You decide to consult Alayna for advice.

MC: Okay, the timer is saying I've got a minute. Now, what do I do?

HP: It's simple; eat the apple.

MC: What, that green shiny metallic-looking piece of shit?

HP: Yes, that green shiny metallic-looking piece of shit. Now, bon appetite.

MC: Okay.

Jason: Eat apple as last possible opportunity.

You grab the apple and stare at the timer. You wait until it reads 00:00:05, and then you plunge the apple into the depths of your mouth and chew vigorously. Alayna sends you one last message.

HP: Don't die Jason. We need you. I need you.

At 00:00:00, everything goes dark.