We're gonna learn some of the results today! That should be fun! With Cartman's meddling, who gets paired with who? And did everyone really get switched around? Let's find out, shall we?

Chapter 4 – Fuck This Shit

Stan felt anxiety threatening to eat him from the inside out as he waited for Friday to come. PC Principal had said that was when the results would be posted at the school. All Stan wanted was to see if he had been paired with Wendy or not. And if he hadn't been paired with her, then he just hoped she was with someone he approved of.

Kyle and Kenny sat with him on his couch as they watched TV, but neither of them seemed nearly as concerned as he was. Stan was so anxious, his leg started shaking.

"Dude, if you have to go to the bathroom just go," Kenny muttered at him.

"I don't have to go to the bathroom," Stan retorted, "I'm just nervous about the results of the personality test. What if Wendy and I don't get paired together?"

"You'll get over it," Kyle replied nonchalantly. Stan gave him a glare.

"Aren't either of you nervous at all?" he asked, exasperated.

"No, not really," Kenny answered, "I know I'll get paired with some hot babe. Though, sorry in advanced if that hot babe happens to be Wendy."

"You have nothing in common with Wendy, Kenny," Kyle pointed out, "I doubt you'll get paired with her."

"That's not true!" Kenny protested, "We both have blond hair!"

Stan and Kyle gave him a baffled look. "Dude, Wendy has black hair, you idiot!" Stan growled at him.

"I think you've been looking at the wrong girl," Kyle muttered. "Anyway, I really don't care who I get paired with. I know I probably won't be interested in them."

"What if you get paired with Heidi?" Kenny asked slyly. Stan couldn't help but notice how pale his best friend got.

"I'm not going to be paired with Heidi," he muttered.

Ever since Heidi broke up with Cartman, she had been reverting back to her kind old self. She had also worked hard to lose the weight she had put on. And it was no real secret that now that Heidi knew how manipulative Cartman had been, she wanted to give Kyle another chance. But any time he was asked, Kyle refused to say anything on the matter, and so no one knew how he really felt. And Heidi was too nervous to ask.

"Come on, Kyle!" Kenny urged, "This could be your chance to finally get the girl of your dreams! Think about it!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Heidi is not the girl of my dreams, Kenny," he remarked, "I'm not ten years old anymore. I'm not going to fall for Heidi again just because she claims she's changed. And I don't care how hot everyone thinks she is."

"But Kyle-!"

"Just drop it, Kenny!" Kyle snapped at him.

The room fell silent as Stan desperately wished he could just vanish right now. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of some of the tension.

"So, uh, any girls you're really hoping to get, Kenny?" he asked. Kenny looked at him with wide, slightly shocked eyes.

"Oh! Uh, yeah, I wouldn't mind getting Bebe or Red," he replied, trying not to sound shaken, "Even if we don't end up dating or anything, I'm sure to at least get a hot make out session from it."

"You would only care about that," Stan sighed.

"What can I say?" Kenny shrugged, "I know what I like."

Tweek was probably even more nervous than Stan was as he and Craig walked hand-in-hand together towards the school when Friday rolled around. If he had to go to a dance with other people he at least wanted to be with Craig. But he knew he would never get paired with Craig on that test. He and Tweek hadn't gotten together on purpose in the first place. In way of personality, he and Craig had very little in common, but Tweek didn't care. He liked being Craig's boyfriend; he didn't want to date anyone else. Why did Clyde make them do this?

He squeezed Craig's hand as the school came into sight and Craig looked at him. "You doing all right, babe?" he asked.

"NNG! I really don't want to do this," Tweek muttered, "I don't want to go to this dance with some random person. I want to go with you."

Craig had already come to terms with the fact that he and Tweek would most likely not be paired together. That didn't keep him from being pissed that a computer thought it could pick out a better partner for him than Tweek, though.

He leaned over and gave Tweek a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, honey," he soothed, "If we don't get each other, I promise I'll be right near by the whole night, ok? And I'll make sure whoever you get doesn't try to kiss you."

Tweek twitched violently, but quickly regained his composure. He gave Craig a small smile. "O-Ok," he said, "And I'll make sure whoever you get paired with doesn't try to kiss you!" Craig burst out laughing and gave Tweek a hug.

Finally they reached the school where several students were milling about. They spotted Clyde, Token, and Jimmy and quickly raced over to them. Token sighed as they reached them.

"It's about time you guys got here!" he berated, "Clyde wouldn't let us check who we got matched with until you two were here."

"Y-Y-You sure t-took your sweet t-t-time, huh?" Jimmy teased.

"Give us a break," Craig scolded, "Tweek and I really didn't want to do this." He threw a glare at Clyde as he said this. Clyde gave him an innocent shrug in response.

Shoulder to shoulder, the five of them walked into the school, following the line of students to where the results of the test were posted. A massive crowd had formed, blocking the friends from seeing the results, but this meant very little to Craig.

He started pushing through the crowd, knocking kids over as his friends followed, apologizing in his stead. Finally, they reached the front where a large poster board with all the kids' names were listed who had taken the test. They were listed in alphabetical order with a dash beside their name saying who they were paired with.

"So, who wants to go first?" Token asked nervously. None of his friends answered. He sighed. "Well don't all jump up at once."

"All right you p-p-pussies," Jimmy sighed, "I'll go fuh-first."

Jimmy stepped up to the board, carefully scanning until he got to his own name. "Le-Let's see," he murmured, "Jimmy Valmer! Huh-Here I am! I g-got paired with… Nathan!"

"WHAT!?" Came an outraged cry from down the hall. Jimmy and his friends turned and stared as Nathan and his lackey Mimsy came storming down the hallway towards them. Nathan marched right up to Jimmy, getting right up in his face.

"What do you mean you got paired with me?" he growled.

"It says so r-right here," Jimmy pointed out calmly, not phased at all, "S-See?" He pointed with one of his crutches at Nathan's name which, sure enough, said that he was paired with Jimmy.

"Gee boss! Ain't that funny?" Mimsy chuckled, "You don't like Jimmy, but ya got paired with him to go to the dance!"

"Thank you, Mimsy," Nathan hissed, "I'm aware of this!"

"Oh boy, N-Nathan!" Jimmy grinned, "We're g-gonna have s-so much fun!" Nathan glared with pure hatred at his enemy.

"You go next, Token," Tweek urged, nudging his friend forward.

Swallowing his nervousness, Token stepped up and looked for his name. Please be Nichole, he thought desperately. He found his name and his heart sunk as he saw who he got. "I got paired with… Bebe Stevens," he announced dejected.

Clyde, who obviously didn't get it, slapped him on the back. "All right! Good job scoring a hot chick, bro!" he exclaimed. Token glared over at him as he stepped up to look for his name.

"Ok, let's see which lucky hot lady I got paired with," he reveled to himself. He quickly found his name and paused, to rack up the tension. Eventually, though, Craig smacked him in the back of the head.

"Just tell us who you got already," he growled.

"Fine," Clyde muttered. "Ok. I got…" His face dropped and he nearly chocked. "I got Tweek?!" he burst out.

"GAH! WHAT?!" Tweek shouted. He shoved Clyde aside and quickly searched for his name. This had to be a mistake. How in the world did he get Clyde? "GAH! I GOT CLYDE!" he yelled for the entire hallway to hear.

Craig quickly walked over and wrapped Tweek in his arms, pressing the panicking boy to his body. "It's ok, Tweek, it's just Clyde," he said soothingly, "You could have gotten someone way worse."

But in his heart, Craig was furious. How did Clyde get paired with Tweek? If Tweek and Craig didn't have much in common, then Clyde and Tweek had even less in common! Was this stupid computer match up thing really implying that Clyde would be a better boyfriend for Tweek than Craig?

Angrily, Craig glared over at his best friend, while rubbing Tweek's back, but Clyde was in the middle of his own crisis.

"How did I get matched up with Tweek?" he was wondering to Token and Jimmy, "I was sure I put that I prefer to date girls! Why would the computer pair me up with a dude?"

"M-Maybe it th-thought that you and T-Tweek would go g-good together," Jimmy suggested with a shrug.

"GAH!"

"I doubt that," Token muttered. He turned to Craig, who was still comforting Tweek. "All right Craig, you're the last one. Go for it."

Craig sighed and rolled his eyes, reluctantly letting go of Tweek. He didn't want to admit that now that Tweek was for sure off the table he was super nervous about who he got. He took a deep breath, then stepped up to the board. He scanned his finger through all the names until he got to his own, then he closed his eyes to prepare himself. Then he opened his eyes. They widened.

"No," he said. It couldn't be. "Oh God, no!"

"What? Who did you get?" Token asked.

"Oh God, please not him!" Craig begged, "Anyone but him!" His rival since they were young. Whom he and his friends still occasionally competed with.

Stan Marsh.

I was going to make this longer, but I thought that was the perfect place to end it. My sister will have the rest of the reactions next chapter.

Funny thing is, we actually decided Stan and Craig would end up being paired together before we decided Cartman would try to rig the system, so those two are actually probably the only ones who are actually legitimately paired together.