Twin1: Man, you guys ask for weird stuff. Stuff that is funny as a concept, but as actual prose is just gross. Diaper changes? Yes, funny to think of Kakashi changing diapers, not so cool when you have two thousand words of descriptions of baby poop. And The Talk? Why have I been asked for The Talk? I never even think about The Talk in babyfics.
Twin2: The reason for that is apparent when attention is drawn to how aptly you were renamed in a recent review, TwinRainbow. Watcha writing A/Ns for?
Twin1: *innocent* Nothing. Okay, here's my best take on The Talk. Sorry if it sucks, I did my best, because I love my reviewers and want them to be happy.
Therefore: Warning!
This drabble contains mentions of, discussions of and/or allusions to sex, sexual situations, rape, pregnancy, and prostitution. This is NOT smut. It is NOT educational porn. It is The Talk. It is a version of The Talk that one might have with an eight year old… who is going to be a ninja. But an eight year old. I am soo far out of my comfort zone, I am flying blind. Be kind in your reviews. And be grateful that I even attempted it. Also, please try and make your requests a little easier on me… (huddles in corner)
Drabble 4: A Talk
Requested by Hatsuharu Miku
Eight Years Old
It wasn't often that he got handwritten letters from Naruto's teacher. Mostly it was formal typed letters that dealt with official matters. Handwritten meant personal correspondence.
Sparing a moment to entertain the amusing if ludicrous idea that it was a love letter (a rumour he'd heard in the village about him and the young chuunin had made him literally laugh himself sick just last week) the jounin split the envelope and tugged out the folded sheet of paper inside.
Yep, handwritten. Iruka-sensei's kanji were neat and even, his columns and lines straight in a way Kakashi could never have managed. "Man," the jounin said, staring at the calligraphy. "What is he, a human typewriter?"
Actually reading the notice, Kakashi's hand spasmed and he dropped the note, before snatching it up again and clutching it to his chest in a concealing motion like it was a dirty picture and he was in the presence of Tsume. After another moment, he cautiously re-read the note, then read it a third time. Dropping backwards into a chair, he closed his eye tightly and counted slowly to ten, hoping he was hallucinating, then read the note for the fourth time. Iruka's freakishly good handwriting stubbornly refused to form different words.
Kakashi's mouth opened, and a curse tumbled out. This was not going to be fun. Taking a few deep breaths, he sorted himself out and read the note one last time, very carefully.
Hatake Kakashi-san, Iruka had written,
I know that it is unusual and perhaps a bit presumptuous for me to write to you, and I hope you forgive the liberty I have taken. I wished to write to warn you of the unit of work that Naruto's class will be taught in a fortnight's time.
It has come time for the fifth form to undergo the Academy-level sexual education that all shinobi must learn. As I am sure you are aware, this includes biological information, interrogation tactics that may be employed by enemy shinobi, safe practices, health risks associated with underage pregnancy, prostitution as a part of shinobi infiltration tactics, and an assortment of other details guided by the students' own questions.
Naruto is very young, relative to his classmates, and I am a little concerned that he is not ready for the subject matter that will soon be at hand. Unfortunately, our time at the Academy is limited and I am unsure of when he might complete this mandatory unit if not with his classmates.
For this reason I am writing. If you heavily object to your child joining his classmates at his young age, I request that you remove him from school for the days between the twelfth and the twenty-third of August. I feel it would be wise for Naruto to be instructed in some basic information by a trusted adult, though, before he returns to his class, as the other students are likely to talk about what they have been learning. If he is not, I suspect that he may get a distorted or frightening story from his friends.
If you choose to allow Naruto to attend the classes, it may still be advisable to speak to him about the topic and give him a basic understanding of sexual issues, if you have not done so already. Given his age and despite his relative maturity, it may be harder for him to assimilate the knowledge if it is a totally foreign concept. After all, he is the age of most third-form students, where the common belief is that girls have Cooties and are not to be touched.
Again, I apologise if I have been improper or overstepped my boundaries. If you wish, I am more than happy to be the trusted adult to speak privately to Naruto about this. I can also have a female instructor or the Academy's child psychologist address the issue. Please let me know what you decide.
Sincerely,
Umino Iruka-sensei
"Sex ed?" Kakashi said out loud. "He can't be old enough for sex ed yet… right?" He did some quick mental math. No, Naruto's true age was ten, which was the age for the first level of sexual education in the Academy. Jounin sensei would handle the second and third instalments when the kids were roughly twelve and sixteen, respectively, and then it fell to team captains to teach their squadmates as missions and issues came up. So technically it was time for Naruto to learn about… well… that. He'd be going through puberty soon – maybe as soon as in a few months' time – and that would include all sorts of things that made the jounin's skin crawl in embarrassment just to think about. Wet dreams, hair in weird places, hormone craziness, testosterone being introduced to a system for the first time… for the first time in at least a few years, Kakashi seriously considered tendering his resignation and aborting the undercover parenting mission he'd been assigned then and there. How was he going to prepare Naruto for all that, or deal with it when it came?
As far as Kakashi knew, Naruto was young for his true age and stuck well in the midst of the 'cootie' era, with barely an inkling of sex. He knew about kissing, Kakashi was fairly sure, and that one didn't touch or display reproductive organs, but it was entirely possible that he still didn't know (or care) where babies came from, let alone darker concepts such as prostitution or rape. Which left a very important question.
"What am I supposed to do?"
After a long moment of contemplation, Kakashi stood, gathered his vest, hitai-ate, and the letter from the teacher, shoved his feet into his sandals, and left for the Inuzuka compound.
"What do you mean she's on a mission?" Kakashi almost-shouted. The Inuzuka man standing just inside the compound barring his way bared his teeth just a fraction.
"I mean that Tsume-sama is gone," he spoke slowly, like Kakashi was an idiot, "Out of the village, with a team, to complete a mission assigned by the Hokage. What else could 'on a mission' mean?" Kakashi chose to ignore the sarcasm, his desperation outweighing any dominance-determining sarcasm wars that normally had to take place.
"When will she be back?"
The Inuzuka shrugged lazily. "Two weeks, three."
"But I need her now," Kakashi almost whined. The dog-man scowled at him.
"Tsume-sama's sole purpose is not to answer to your beck and call, Hatake. Now get out."
Kakashi stumbled out of the Inuzuka compound, feeling a little like he was drowning. Tsume wasn't here to beg advice off. What did he do? All of his friends were childless and his own age to boot, so they would be no help. He could go to the Hokage, but given that Sarutobi had seen fit to put him in the sex ed class when Kakashi was four and eight months of age, the jounin had an inkling that he wouldn't like the Hokage's solution. Jiraiya was an option, but a just plain bad one. Who else was there in his sensei's or father's generation that could give him some sensible advice?
Sitting on the curb with his head in his hands to think, Kakashi spent a minute or two wishing for alcohol before an idea made itself known, an idea so insane that he laughed out loud and actually looked around for alcohol bottles that evidenced the liquor he must have magically ingested by sheer willpower.
Still, he didn't exactly have a better plan, so he got up, dusted himself off, and began to walk down the sidewalk to a compound belonging to another clan.
Hyuuga.
Hiashi was startled when one of his Branch relatives knocked on the door to his sitting room and told him that Hatake Kakashi had come to see him. He felt a momentary jolt of fear for his children, overlapped a microsecond later by fear for Kakashi's child, before he remembered that all four children were safe at the Academy and that for them to be taken from there would involve hell being raised by the teachers on a level that would bring the whole village running. Still, it wasn't like Hatake to make a social call.
"Show him in, please," he said, and Kakashi was brought in a minute or so later. The jounin was a little haphazard, as if his accessories had been put on as he left the house in a great hurry. He was also a little dirty, and had a smudge of something dark across his vest. Not the typical look of visitors to the Main House of the Hyuuga complex.
"Kakashi-san," Hiashi said, courteous to the last. "What a pleasant surprise. Please, sit." He gestured to a mat on the floor across from his own, and Kakashi sat down stiffly. Hiashi silently poured him a cup of steaming green tea from the pot sitting on a tray to his right, and handed it over without comment. He let other the man sip it for a little while, before shifting a little and saying, "What can I do for you today, Kakashi-san?"
"I need some advice." The words sounded desperate, and fell out of Kakashi's mouth in a rapid jumble. Hiashi blinked, a delay occurring between hearing and understanding, and a quiet smile began to form around the edges of his mouth.
"I see. Well, I am more than happy to oblige," he told the younger man, wondering with some amusement what had gotten the Hatake so worked up. He felt a moment of pity; Kakashi had grown up without a father, and seemed to need someone to fill that role right now, much as Tsume seemed to have stepped into the mothering role in Kakashi's life.
Choosing not to let his thoughts wander to the metaphorical implications of his relationship to the Inuzuka, Hiashi focused on the young man kneeling across from him, waiting for an answer. He would do his best to give some suitable and helpful advice, thereby cementing the fledgling alliance that was growing between their two clans. Kakashi tried and failed to start speaking several times, before he just held out a slip of paper wordlessly.
Hiashi took the note carefully, realising it was a handwritten letter, and read it through. Oh. So that was what this was about, was it? And the young father was seeking advice on how to approach the issue. Hiashi had to smile at that, making sure to hide the expression behind the letter he was reading. How cute.
He had just recently had this conversation with his eldest daughter in preparation for the learning that would take place at the Academy. He had spoken at much greater length to his nephew the year before that, ensuring that Neji knew very well the possible consequences of intimate relations, especially as a member of a highly sought-after clan. He completely understood what Kakashi must be feeling.
"I see," he said when he was sure the note of amusement would not be in his voice. "What is it you wish to ask me, Kakashi-san?"
"What do I do?" the Hatake asked, almost plaintively. "Should I just send him to the Academy, or maybe tell Iruka-sensei to talk to him, or do I have to-"
Hiashi cut in gently. "Kakashi-san, if you have never broached this topic with your son before, I suggest that it is you who speaks to him. It is important that he hears it from your mouth, in your words."
"But… I… I've never – that is, I don't know how – I wouldn't know what to…" Kakashi winced and trailed off. Hiashi once more smiled just a little, finding humour in the younger man's stumbling. The Hatake was blushing, too – his ears had gone pink. The Hyuuga was willing to bet that underneath that mask he was as red as the cushion he was seated on. It really was cute. Neji had had almost the exact same reaction when The Talk had come up.
"I would suggest that you speak honestly. Children are clever, Kakashi-san, and don't like patronisation. Your son would prefer you to be frank and tell him the truth. Just let him be aware of basic mechanics, and his school teacher will handle the rest."
Kakashi shifted uncomfortably in place. "Really? Is that… is that what you did with your kids?"
"With Hinata-chan, yes. Neji-kun I afforded a deeper level of understanding, with an emphasis placed on enemy shinobi who would seduce or rape a member of a clan in the pursuit of a bloodline. But you needn't worry about that," Hiashi added quickly, correctly interpreting the look of horror on Kakashi's face. "Iruka-san will cover that topic in classes. I was just being cautious with Neji. Does that help you at all?"
Kakashi nodded slowly and set his cup on the floor beside him. "It does," he said, bowing his head a little. "Thank you, Hyuuga-sama."
They spoke for a few more minutes, exchanging polite conversation, before Hiashi quietly shooed his guest out onto the street with the missive, "Best to find Naruto-kun and have your talk today. That way, he has time to think on the matter and organise his questions for his teacher."
Kakashi had come very close to whimpering, but had acquiesced to Hiashi's directions.
An hour later, in the Hatake home, father and son faced off.
"Naruto, when a man and a woman love each other…" Kakashi hesitated, but the cliché way of beginning just didn't work for him. Naruto was watching with big eyes, waiting. Kakashi tried a different track.
"Pup, where do babies come from?"
"Girls make them," Naruto replied promptly. He nodded. "In their tummies," he added, rubbing his stomach area to demonstrate. "Dunno how they get them out, though…"
Kakashi hesitated. That innocence was adorable and refreshing and lovely, it was so sad to shatter it. At least he knows the right story, he thought to himself, pleased that his son had deduced the most observable source of infants, though he hadn't grasped the ultimate source. "That's right," he agreed, rubbing his neck awkwardly and wishing that he could just abandon this conversation forever and ever. "Uhm, what I wanted to talk to you was about… well… how babies get into their mother's tummies."
Naruto looked at him in confusion. "Don't girls just make 'em?" he asked, frank and curious. Kakashi hesitated again.
"Not… not quite. Um… Mothers need… help… it takes a girl and a boy to make a baby. So when they… that is… sometimes two people…uh…"'
Why couldn't Naruto be a chatterbox now? He was just sitting there, watching his father with those eyes and listening. Kakashi took a deep breath and tried again.
"Naru, you're getting older now, and soon you're going to be all grown up. You need to know about a few things grown-ups do."
Naruto nodded, his expression indicating that he was already over this part of the conversation. "I know, Dad. You've kinda already said that. I need to know something. Something about guys, girls and babies."
"Sex." Kakashi blurted the word out, and Naruto stopped talking to stare at him in a mixture of horror and fascination.
"That's a bad word!" he accused. Kakashi sighed.
"No, it's not, Naruto," he said. "Sex is the word used for when… when… when we… I mean, when a man and a woman… well, most of the time it's a man and a woman…"
"Dad." Once more, Naruto broke through the babbling. "Just tell me."
So Kakashi did. In as few words as possible, as bluntly as he could. Naruto's mouth dropped open in horror and he turned an interesting shade of green.
"That's how it happens?" he half-screeched. "Guys stick that… where?"
"Don't make me say it again," warned Kakashi. Naruto wasn't listening. He was rocking a little, holding his head in his hands.
"Everyone does this?" he demanded. "Like, everyone was…made… like that? Everyone?" Kakashi nodded. Naruto jumped to his feet. "Even me? So you…"
Hellfire, this was torture. Now he was discussing his sexual exploits with his son. Wrong on so many levels. Hiashi was wrong: honesty was clearly not the way to go on this matter. He should have just wrapped Naruto up in bubble wrap and stuck him in a closet full of cotton wool. "Yes. I did."
Naruto fisted his hair and stumbled away a bit, as if trying to shake out the unwanted information, both functional and personal. "EEEEEEWWW! UGH! Dad, why did you tell me that stuff? I don't care where babies… how they… why our things are…. Ugh! Yuck! Da~ad!"
Kakashi actually let out a little laugh and got up to set the kettle boiling so he could make some tea. "Naruto, every parent on the planet gives their kid The Talk. I had to. Also, you're going to be learning about it in class, so I was told you should have a bit of a heads up."
Naruto's blue eyes were huge in his horror. "You mean I have to hear more about – about – this?" he squeaked. Kakashi just nodded, not trusting his voice. Naruto turned away abruptly and trotted to the door.
"I'm going to be sick," he announced, and left the room in a hurry.
Kakashi didn't see him again until the next morning. Neither ever mentioned the conversation again.
