4. Return
BELLA SWAN
I felt as though I'd been out for days. I knew consciousness was returning to me, but I was too afraid to open my eyes. What I had seen last could not have been reality, but I wasn't sure if it was simply a dream or me losing my mind. If it was a dream then how much was real? Did Jacob ever take me home? Was I still at La Push? If I was, it shouldn't have been this quite. The likelihood of me dreaming all disappeared when I felt something cold touch my forehead. I knew exactly what it was and it scared me to death. I had to keep my eyes shut, I was not ready for what I was about to see. If I opened my eyes, what I'd see would simply confirm to myself that my mind had finally snapped. I felt the cold fingers stroke across my forehead gently; it was nice, just like how I remembered. How long was I going to delay the inevitable? I had to open my eyes eventually; I'd need to just accept the fact that I was now insane.
"Bella," the perfectly smooth voice whispered.
That did it. I slowly opened my eyes and there he was. His beautiful golden eyes stared down at me, his perfect face filled with concern, exactly the way I remembered it. As he saw my eyes open, he removed his hand from my forehead and backed away the slightest bit. I couldn't find the strength to move or even speak, I was frozen. We stared at each other for a good minute before he finally spoke.
"I'm so, so sorry," he apologized, "I should have thought about how you'd react."
I still couldn't speak, he noticed this.
"Bella, you're probably wondering why I'm here."
I couldn't even find the strength to nod, but he seemed to know my answer.
"I'll explain everything, don't worry."
I felt myself sink even deeper into my bed. I hadn't noticed before, but I was in my room. This really shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I thought I was out for days, but after glancing at my clock, I found that only five minutes had passed from what I last remembered. This just further supported the 'I'm insane' theory.
He sat down at the edge of my bed, took a deep breath, and began.
"Bella, I'm sorry. Truly I am. Leaving was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I thought that by leaving, you'd be safer. You'd move on and live a happier, healthier life." He paused to sigh. "But I was wrong. Instead I put your life in even greater danger. I was wrong about everything, Bella. I didn't know that Victoria," he growled the name, "Would react so strongly to my killing James. I should have seen it; I should have seen her feelings for him. I was mainly focusing on James' thoughts and didn't get much out of her. I think it was her overconfidence in James that kept her from worrying, kept me from reading that worry."
He paused, clenching his hands into fists and began to look away from me. I knew hearing more of this would bring back the pain I thought I had finally gotten rid of, but I was still frozen. I just waited for him to continue.
"That's still no excuse for what I did and what I left you to deal with. To think that you'd need to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself."
Once again, I wanted to say something, but my voice was lost.
"Please know that I had no idea this would happen. I feel sick, sick to the core. I'm the most miserable excuse for a creature in existence." He paused again and stared deeply into my eyes. "But I'm here now, Bella. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but I'm here for you no matter what."
Oh no. This wasn't just me going insane, I realized it now. The other part of me, the part that still clung to him, the part I thought was gone, it was back to cast it's vengeance on me at last. I should've known there was no escape from it. I'd gotten too hopeful, and if this continued any further, I'd be feeling the worst pain in my life. I wanted so badly for Jacob to be with me right now, I wanted to wrap myself around him and never let go; but would that just make the situation worse, would it simply intensify the pain?
"Bella, I love you, I always have. There was never a single moment when I wasn't thinking about you. I'm a good liar, I have to be, but it still pained me to know that you'd accept my lie so easily. I left you broken and unprotected, and I will never do that again. Never."
I finally found my voice. With the desperate need to dispel this false illusion away before the pain hit, I screamed like I'd never screamed before. Shocked by my reaction, he backed away from me immediately. He stared at me in astonishment as I held my head too tightly in order to make the illusion disappear.
"Bella?" he whispered cautiously.
"Please! Stop! Go away!" I yelled.
His expression turned to one of pure anguish. He clenched his fists again, this time not out of anger, but as if he was trying to hold himself together.
"I understand," he muttered, "It was foolish of me to think you'd actually forgive me for what I'd done."
He edged closer to my bed and dropped to his knees. His torn expression became worse as I continued to hold my head and back away from him.
"I just wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted to let you know how things are now."
How was I going to escape this? It hurt to see him like this, it hurt every inch of me; but telling him that it was okay, that I forgave him, it would only be what my other half wanted. If I invited him in any further, it would only hurt that much more when he disappears.
"Please," I begged, "Just stop. I know he isn't really here. I love him, but you can't fool me. Just go away, please."
He looked at me confounded and amazed. I tried my hardest to just stare at my bed sheets and ignore his gaze. Easier said than done.
"Bella, love?" he whispered.
I couldn't help but look at him now; it seemed silly that I even tried.
"You don't believe that I'm here?"
I shook my head, still trying to hold myself together.
"Bella, this is real. I'm here, we all are." He waited to see how I'd react before he continued. "We're here, Bella. I can understand that this might be hard to believe after what I did. I lied to you, but I'm being completely truthful now. As long as you're here, Bella, we'll be here."
As sincere as he looked, I still had trouble believing it to be true. I wrapped my arms around my stomach just for good measure and slowly shook my head. I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated.
"This is reality, Bella."
"Edward," I muttered, finally able to say his name.
I wasn't completely ready to talk yet; I still needed more assurance that this was real. It scared me enough that I was already this close to accepting my illusion as truth.
"Explain, then. Explain everything, how you got here, why you came, what you've been doing."
Edward nodded and took another deep breath like before.
"When I left, I found that it was much more complicated being away from you than I thought. Every minute of every day was torture without you by my side. The depression was a lot to bear; I didn't want to see anyone. I knew that you'd be better off without me, but every day I was fighting with myself not to go back. As you can see, I wasn't very successful." He laughed to himself. "I never really did much of anything, although I guess testing my skills at tracking counts for something."
"Tracking? What do you mean?" I asked. I had an idea of what he meant, but I wanted to make sure.
"I was practicing at tracking, like how James can hunt down vampires and humans alike. Only difference is that James knew what he was doing and I didn't. I'm not very good at it. Victoria constantly escaped my grasp."
My eyes widened in shock.
"You were hunting Victoria?" I nearly screamed.
He nodded. "Yes. Even though I didn't know she was after you at the time, it still felt like an obligation to find her. Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead to Brazil when she actually came here. I wasn't even on the right continent." He groaned. "But I will do better next time. Victoria won't be tainting the air by breathing in and out much longer."
"No! That's out of the question!" I shouted.
"Bella, she's nothing to worry about. Me, Emmett, and Jasper are more than enough to take her down," he assured me.
"But you don't have to do this. Victoria's gone; she's been gone for a month. Jacob and Sam have made sure of it."
"So they say," he said, putting emphasis on 'they', "And she's been gone doing who knows what."
"Please, don't. If I lost you, I…"
He raised one eyebrow questioningly and smirked. "I thought I wasn't real."
"Oh, right."
He chuckled. "May I continue?"
I nodded.
"Like I said before, I didn't do much of anything. When I wasn't tracking, I basically went into a corner and let the depression have its way with me. Pathetic, now that I look back at it." His expression suddenly turned angry. "Then I got Rosalie's phone call. She told me the one thing that I'd never want to hear in my existence."
His hands, already balled up into fists, started to shake. He looked like he wanted to punch something.
"She told me you were dead. She told me you jumped from a cliff and drowned."
It was silent for a minute that felt like forever. Guilt spread through my body like chills. Edward began to calm himself and his hands stopped shaking. He reminded me so much of Jacob. A small part of me wanted to embrace him and comfort him, like I always did for Jake.
"I needed to find out for myself whether what she said was true. So I called your house."
"Oh!" I gasped.
He nodded and smiled. "When I heard your voice Bella, I…" He began laughing to himself again and sighed. "There are no words in the world to describe the relief I felt."
He continued laughing to himself and I couldn't help but smile. Maybe this was real. Maybe. I still wasn't letting my guard down.
"Not much later, Alice came back and told me everything. Just in time too, I was nearly about to burn Rosalie."
I flinched at his words. He saw this and gave me an apologetic look.
"When Alice explained everything that was going on, I knew it was time for us to return. I had a reason now, though really it's just an excuse. Purpose or no purpose, I would've come back anyway. I was prepared to get on my knees and beg you to take me back. I can still do that now, if you want."
"Be serious," I muttered.
"I am," he assured, "Bella, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Do you still believe that this isn't real?"
"I don't know," I said to myself.
He smiled his half smile that I loved and gazed into my eyes, not looking away for a second.
"I can prove it to you, right now," he promised.
Edward caught my face securely into his hands and brought his lips slowly to mine. It was in that brief moment that something in me broke free, and I was wide awake. I began to struggle and turn my head away from his. He ignored it. Once his lips were nearly half an inch from mine, I instinctively pushed against his chest. I knew that I couldn't physically get him away, but he seemed to finally respond. He released his hands and slowly moved his face away from mine. He continued staring at me, his eyes filled with confusion and sadness.
"Bella, love?" he whispered.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, "I can't."
"Why? Is it true then, that you can no longer love me after all that I've done?"
"That's a stupid question."
"Please, tell me."
I sighed. "Of course I love you, I always have. There's nothing you can do or say to change that."
"Then why? I want to prove to you that I feel the same."
"It's just, I…I…" I struggled to find the right words.
I tilted my head down and Edward followed, refusing to lose my eyes. For about a minute he studied my expression carefully, before shock spread across his own. Realization.
"Oh," he finally said.
I continued to tilt my head down, but Edward raised his; he looked like he was deep in thought. I kept silent because I did not know what to say. How was he going to respond to this?
"Did what I originally intend to happen come true after all?"
I remained still and silent. Now I actually wished that this was all in my head.
"Am I too late, Bella? If you have moved on, then that would be quite fair. Please, don't spare my feelings. I just want to know for sure."
I nodded my head reluctantly. I could not look him in the eye; would he be heartbroken? I knew that it never made sense for him to love me, so maybe he'd get over it quickly.
Suddenly, Edward started laughing. I couldn't help but look at him now; he was laughing, but his eyes told a different story. He was hurt, and that hurt me.
"Well, that's that I suppose." He chuckled; I could tell he was putting on a brave face for me.
"Edward, I love you," I whispered.
"But you love him too? Maybe even more?"
I remained silent; I refused to say anything else that might hurt him. He put both of his hands on mine and leaned in closer to me.
"Bella, it's okay, I'm still here for you. Whenever you need me, I'll always be there. I promise."
"Really?" I whispered.
"Of course, and this is the last time I'm going to say this. I'm. Not. Going. Anywhere," he assured.
I launched myself at him and embraced him tight; I now knew he wasn't lying and that this was reality. As he wound his arms around me, I heard him sniff my hair.
"Ugh," he muttered silently.
"What?" I asked. I looked up to see his nose wrinkled.
"Nothing." He shook his head.
He set me back down and sat at the edge of my bed. I smiled at him and he smiled back. It felt so wonderful knowing that Edward really was here from now on; I was elated.
"So, who is the lucky basta-, I mean fellow?" he asked, giving me an obvious smirk.
I raised one eyebrow at him and he chuckled.
"Is it Mike Newton?"
"Don't be ridiculous!" I said critically.
"Really?" He actually looked a little surprised. "I always thought he was the closest one. Did Eric Yorkie finally turn up the charm or maybe Tyler?"
I figured I might as well tell him. He'd find out eventually, so what was the point in hiding it.
"It's Jacob Black," I whispered the name.
Edward's expression took a dramatic sudden change; from playful cheeriness to what looked like terror.
"No. Bella, no!" he shouted and grabbed both of my arms too tight.
"Edward!" I complained.
"Please tell me you're not serious."
"I'm completely serious."
"No!"
He sprung to his feet and balled his hands into fists. His teeth were clenched and his eyes looked as if they were glowing with anger. For the first time in a while, he looked frightening, like a vampire.
"You know what they are, don't you?"
"Yes," I said, raising my voice a little, "And I don't care, Edward."
"They could kill you Bella, they have no control."
"Jacob is not going to hurt me."
"Not intentionally, but it could happen someday."
"He knows what he's doing."
"How are you so sure? How do you know he won't slip, as immature and destructive as they are?"
"You don't know him!" I yelled.
A low growl came deep from his chest and I sank further into my bed.
"I should've known. The evidence was obvious from the start, but I refused to accept it," he said to himself, then glared at me, "No offence Bella, but you smell like a dog."
I grimaced and looked away from him for a brief moment. He began to pace back and forth from each side of the room. I wished things hadn't turned in this direction. I knew that vampires and werewolves were enemies, but I at least expected Edward to understand. He finally stopped at the end of my bed and let his hands drop to his sides.
"This changes things," he muttered.
"What?" I asked surprised. What did he mean? How much did this change?
"I need to talk to him, as soon as possible."
"Talk to Jacob?"
He nodded. I hadn't thought about how Jacob would feel about this. He wasn't pleased at all when Alice came to check on me, but now the entire family was here to stay. If he and Edward met, would there be a fight?
"No!" I said in panic. He seemed to notice that.
"I just want to talk to him, Bella. He needs to know what's going on and I need to tell him something specifically."
"But…"
"Bella," he said, cutting me off, "If your werewolf is as controlled as you say he is, then there shouldn't be a problem."
I couldn't argue with that. "When do you want to see him?"
"Tomorrow morning would be best."
I nodded. "That's fine. I had plans with him tomorrow so…"
"It'll work," he finished for me.
"What about time and where do we meet?"
He rolled his eyes and sighed. "You should know that better than me."
"Oh, right," I murmured, "Jake usually picks me up at ten in the morning."
"Then 10 a.m. in your backyard it is."
He started heading toward the window and I panicked. I always spent my time with Jacob, so when would I be able to be with Edward?
"Wait!" I shouted, reaching my arm out at him.
"Yes?"
"Could you stay, just a little longer? We could just talk; I'm in no hurry to sleep."
And of course, right after I said that, I let out a long yawn. Perfect.
He chuckled. "You need your sleep, Bella. I think it'd be best if I went home now."
"Please?"
"Tomorrow," he promised.
Before I could say another word, he was gone. I sat in my bed worrying about how things would turn out tomorrow. Would there be a fight? How mad would Jacob get? What did Edward mean by "This changes things?"
I let out another yawn and I couldn't deny that I was tired. I tried not to think too much about tomorrow, I wanted to dream sweetly. As I laid my head on my pillow, I thought of nothing but Jacob's smile; the smile that brightened my day, no matter how dark it was. Just like that, I drifted off.
Chapter 5 is coming soon. Please leave your feedback.
