30 days of Kylo Ren
Day 4 – With Han
"KID! Where are you? I'm home! Leia! Where's my welcoming committee?"
Han used to scream that every time he was back from his travels. His mother used to ignore him for half an hour to show how intensely she despised him. However, after those 30 minutes, he would kiss her passionately and make Ben wait with Chewie for his gifts with a scowl on his face for more than two hours.
After making peace, Han spent all the time left with him. He used to speak about all his great adventures and dangerous negotiations, as if they were epic stories. Of course, Han Solo and his loyal friend Chewie were the big heroes, always saving the galaxy. The boy used to love when he was home because he knew he would leave soon. Han was the best father ever: to play and to tell stories. Not to be there when he had his nightmares or when he started to levitate things when he was too excited, too angry or too sad.
"Leia! He's doing it again!" his face would assume a fearful expression. Han was afraid of his powers and Ben could feel it. It hurt. Ben had never told her father how he would cry at night asking to the Force to go away from him, so his dad could stay home. "There's too much Vader on him. I don't know how to react!" He would say to his mother when he thought their son was asleep. He never understood it.
When Ben was eight, he came home to say goodbye because the boy would leave to Luke's Academy.
"KID! Where are you? I'm home! Leia! Where's my welcoming committee?" and the same ritual took place.
Ben would never forget their last moment sharing his travels adventures.
"Wow!" he exclaimed putting a hand over the table forcing it to stay on the floor. "This is very dangerous, Dad! You shouldn't go again! I'm always worried. And mom too."
Han chuckled. "That's who I am, Ben. Han Solo is the best smuggler of the galaxy!"
"No. you're not. If you were the best, you wouldn't be in danger. You're a hero. Just like Mom and Uncle Luke."
"But I wouldn't be the best hero. And I want to be the best." He said smiling.
"Well, you're already the best father of the galaxy." Ben told him sadly. "But you're never here. Sometimes I'm afraid you'll get lost and never find your way back to us!"
Han seemed startled by that. His mouth fell ajar. "I'll always find my way back to you, Ben. It doesn't matter where you are."
"Do you promise?"
"I do."
"What if I get lost?" Ben lifting an eyebrow mischievously to his father.
"Then I'll hunt each corner of the galaxy until I bring you home."
"But I'll have powers. I know you're afraid of me. I could beat you." The boy said laughing.
"Ben. I would die to bring you back. I'm afraid of this thing. But I'm even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you'll not forget me?"
"I promise, Dad." Ben spoke hugging him.
They would see each other again when Ben was ten. Then twelve. And fifteen. Always for their birthdays.
After that, Han Solo voice became letters, holocrons, holograms. Four by year. Until he was twenty. By then, Ben didn't want to hear from him anymore. Han Solo disappointed him. He loved being a Solo. Even more than being Leia Organa's heir. Or a Skywalker.
Becoming Kylo Ren meant to kill his origins. Snoke told him since the beginning that the day would come and he would have to choose between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. But he had a plan. Follow the dark side and prove he wouldn't get lost.
She loved Han Solo before even knowing him. Starkiller had taught him a difficult lesson. Han Solo would disappoint her.
"BEN." That name. That voice. They hit straight in his heart making pain spread over his body. It was physical. His body was reacting with the same feeling when he was a boy. When he used to come home. Kylo Ren felt relieved. He was there. But he remembered himself quickly.
"Take off that mask. You don't need it." He wanted to see Ben. But he didn't exist anymore. At least, he wanted to believe it. Han solo tried to alert his son of Snoke's manipulation. The knight accused him of being a liar and a thief.
He said his mother missed him and asked him to come back home. Kylo started to cry. He was being torn apart. He couldn't do it. Home, he thought sarcastically. Where he wasn't welcomed. Where his own father feared him. He had betrayed him. He was never there.
Lord Ren knew his duty. Something Han Solo never did. He was angry. So angry, he could feel the dark energy surrounding him. So angry he decided to make his father believe he could come back. Kylo asked his help to do what he had to do. Han Solo believed he could do anything. Well, he would surprise him this time. So angry. He hated him. So angry. Every single night he cried wanting to be loved. So angry. Every tear dropped when he left home on that ship. So angry. He put all of his pain on the single movement to ignite his lightsaber and make him suffer as he had.
However, the dark feeling after that maleficent act didn't make him stronger. He felt weak. Han Solo's last act proved he was right. Snoke had lied…his father had let his own fingers touch his face one last time. Kylo Ren saw on his face that he wanted to believe his son hadn't become that horrible creature he was seeing. Ren fell to the ground taken by the dark void he felt through the Force. "Thank you" He had said not recognizing his own voice. As dark as the dark hole that weakened his strength.
Han Solo would haunt his nights and days. He couldn't hide from his own past.
Ben! Come back home! Your mother misses you. I'll hunt each corner of the galaxy until I bring you home. I would die to bring you back. I'm afraid of this thing. But I'm even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you'll not forget me?
Forget. He wished he could. Han Solo had done it. He had come to look for him and bring him back home.
Forget. How? Han would be his burden for the rest of his existence.
He had kept his promise although.
He should keep his: never forgetting and coming back home.
Ben Solo came back home.
They celebrated all his father's birthdays with Chewie. First to maintain the tradition. He was a hero after all. Han Solo.
However, Ben had another reason to celebrate it. Now, he believed his father loved him on his own way.
I'll always find my way back to you, Ben.
He did it again. That scoundrel, as his mother would say. He kept his promise once again. Hannah Solo was born the same day her grandfather did. She was named after him. Twice. Han was not enough. Han was just the name of someone who had not learnt he had to stay home. But Han had learnt his way back. From back to front then, nah. From death to life: Hannah. A name for someone who could leave but who would always be welcomed home. Just special as she is. Without fear. Without lies.
Han Solo was the best father of the galaxy. He was not perfect. Yet he was the best. He taught Ben how to be a father. Don't repeat my mistakes, kid. He used to say. You're better than me.
No. Ben wasn't better. He was a Solo. That would be enough.
