Dreamus Interruptus

Chapter 4 Dreamus Interruptus

Scene 1 Cravings

Leonard looked out above the forest from Looking Glass Knob off the Blue Ridge Parkway near Asheville, North Carolina. His legs ached from the four-mile uphill hike, but he was in bliss sitting on the boulder holding Penny. They were watching a pair of hawks doing their aerial mating dance below them. Straight ahead, just beyond Graveyard Fields, was Shining Rock. Over to the left beyond the Pisgah Fish Hatchery and John Rock, was the Devil's Courthouse. He pulled Penny close and kissed her on the cheek. "I love you," he said as she snuggled closer to him. "The Cherokee consider this to be a holy place. I see why. I love sharing this experience with you."

Penny said, "Leonard, sweetie, I want watermelon. Leonard!" shaking him.

"Huh?" Leonard said, fighting to come awake. "What's wrong? I was having a beautiful dream. . . ."

"Leonard, I want watermelon," Penny said.

"You what?"

"I want watermelon. I tried not to wake you, but I've been lying here for the past half hour. I don't think I can go back to sleep until I have some watermelon."

"Sweetheart, it's what," looking at the clock, "3:18 in the morning. We don't have any watermelon. It's late December. Watermelon isn't in season."

"There's an all-night grocery on Colorado Boulevard. Please, please, please, please, please!"

"OK," Leonard said, struggling to get out of bed. He staggered over to the closet and pulled out a pair of jeans. "I assume you're coming with me?"

Penny said, "At nearly 3:30 in the morning? Are you nuts? No, I'm too tired. I think I'll stay here and keep the bed warm. I love you."

"Um hum, I love you too," Leonard said. "Is there anything else you want while I'm out?"

"No, sweetie, that will do it," Penny said, snuggling into Leonard's spot. "Ooh! Your place is nice and warm."

"How much watermelon do you want?" Leonard asked.

"A lot," Penny said.

Leonard took his smartpod from the bowl by the door. He was about a quarter of a mile past his driveway when his cell phone rang.

"Oh, hey, Wyatt," he said. "No, there's nothing wrong. Penny wants watermelon, and we don't have any. [Pause] No, she said it can't wait. She has to have some now. [Pause] No, I didn't want to bother you. [Pause] I'm going to the store on Colorado. [Pause] Sure. I'll let you know if there's a problem. [Pause] No, she stayed in bed: She said she was too tired to go. [Pause] OK, bye."

Twenty minutes later, Leonard was staring at the empty watermelon section on the produce display at the grocery store. He rolled his eyes and went back to the car.

Leonard hit the voice recognition button on his steering wheel. He said, "24-hour grocery stores."

"Here are the 24-hour grocery stores I found in your area," the car said, displaying a list of them on the screen.

Leonard selected the Walmart with a grocery section closest to his house.

Twenty minutes later, Leonard had two half sections of watermelons in his grocery cart as the 400-pound woman with two children in her cart next to him looked over the produce. Just before he made it to the checkout, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.

"Hello, sweetheart," he said. "No, I'm playing Walmart Bingo. I can check off seeing a woman over 300 pounds and school-age children at 4:30 in the morning. I finally found some watermelon. Before I check out, is there anything else you want? [Pause] Onion rings. And brownies? Oh, not just any onion rings, onion rings from the Sugar-n-Spice? Are they open 24 hours? [Pause] OK, I'll check. How about the brownies? [Pause] Oh, dear. I was just there, and they didn't have any watermelon, so I came to Walmart. [Pause] OK, sweetheart. You don't have to cry. I'm going back and getting them. [Pause] Yes, they do make good brownies. [Pause] Yeah, I love you too."

Twenty-five minutes later, Leonard had a box of brownies and was nearly at the check-out when it occurred to him to call Penny again. "Hi, sweetheart. I have your brownies and am about to check out. I thought you would prefer it if I got the onion rings last thing so they would be hot. Before I leave the grocery store, is there anything else I need to get? [Pause] No, sweetheart, I'm not angry with you. [Pause] No, I think you're still beautiful-you're the most beautiful you've ever been. [Pause] No, I'm not going to leave you for someone who's more beautiful. I love you. [Pause] Sweetheart, I'll be back shortly, and I'll have your watermelon, your brownies, and your onion rings. I promise I love you, and I think you're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen. [Pause] Especially now. [Pause] OK, I'll see you in a bit."

"Pregnant wife having cravings?" the middle-aged man working the cash register said as Leonard went through check-out.

"You have no idea," Leonard said.

"Oh, yeah, I do," the man said. "We have four children. My wife had to have hotdogs with our first. Not just any hotdogs-the hotdogs from this cafe in Reseda. I had to camp out in their parking lot until they opened. The police kept bugging me. For some reason, she wanted pickled eggs with our youngest."

Leonard saw a light on in the kitchen as the garage door opened.

Patti and Penny were sitting at the kitchen table as Leonard came through the kitchen door.

"Gimme!" Penny said, grabbing the bags with the onion rings and the brownies and kissing Leonard on the cheek. "Where's the watermelon?"

"I have to make a second trip to the car," Leonard said. "Hi, Patti."

"Hi yourself," Patti said, grinning. "Thank you and Penny for letting me crash here tonight, since Wyatt and I thought it more traditional not to see each other until the wedding."

"Jason and Gina are keeping Daddy good company, I'm sure," Penny said.

Leonard asked, "You aren't having cravings too, are you?"

"No," Patti said. "I heard Penny mousing around in here, so I thought I would come check on her. We've been sitting here having a nice chat. I was so excited about the wedding I wasn't sleeping anyway. You're a good husband, Leonard."

"You're the best husband," Penny said, hugging Leonard. "What's the timetable on that watermelon?"

"OK," Leonard said. He went back out the car and brought in the two large watermelon halves.

"Can you cut it up for me?" Penny said. "Please?"

"Sure," Leonard said. He took an ice cream scoop from the drawer and began scooping out sections of the watermelon and putting them into a bowl.

"Can you make the pieces smaller?" Penny said after he had finished.

"Of course," Leonard said.

"I love you," Penny said.

"I love you too," Leonard said. "I'm just curious. It's 6:15 in the morning. Why did you put on full makeup? The red lipstick's a nice touch. It looks great with my Stargate Universe T-shirt and the flip-flops."

"I wanted to be pretty for you." Penny started crying. "I'm being a demanding bitch, huh? An ugly one."

"Sweetheart," Leonard said, holding Penny. "You're not being a bitch at all. The baby is making you want things, and I'm here for you and her. And you're not ugly. You're absolutely beautiful: You're more beautiful than ever."

Penny sobbed onto Leonard's shoulder. "I don't deserve you," she said. "How are you coming cutting up the watermelon?"

"There you go," Leonard said, a few minutes later, presenting Penny the bowl of watermelon.

"Can you take out the seeds?" Penny said, poking out her bottom lip.

"Sure," Leonard said. He looked over at Patti, who was grinning at him. "What?"

"You're a good man, Dr. Hofstadter," Patti said. "If I wasn't marrying Wyatt in less than nine hours, and you weren't married to my soon-to-be daughter, I would come after you myself. I'll remember this when I'm having my own cravings." She hugged Leonard and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll leave you two to your snack." She went back to her bedroom.

Penny sat alternating eating brownies, onion rings, and watermelon. "Oh, this is so great!" she said, sandwiching an onion ring and a piece of watermelon between two brownies.

"I didn't know how many onion rings you wanted, so I got you two large orders," Leonard said.

Penny started crying again. "You're too good for me," she sobbed into her hands.

Leonard sat next to her. He put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Sweetheart, you're all right. I love you with all of my heart. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

Scene 2 Shamy

Sheldon gradually became aware of his pounding head as he came to. His dog Pavlov lay next to him on the bed. Sheldon ran his tongue over his cotton mouth. "Pavlov," he said, "Mom will swat you with her Bible if she finds you in the bed." He reached to scratch Pavlov's ears. He said, "I love you, Pavlov. You're my only friend."

"What are you doing? Who's Pavlov?" Amy said.

Sheldon startled awake. "Where am I?" he asked. "Amy, Why are you lying next to me?"

"Yeah, about that," Amy said. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

"I remember Penny hugging me, and she had a beard," Sheldon said.

"That was her brother Jason," Amy said. "He thought you were Leonard. That was at the restaurant. Do you remember coming back here to my apartment?"

"I remember something about a cave," Sheldon said.

"You were with the guys at Wyatt's man cave," Amy said. "Do you remember my driving you home?"

"No," Sheldon said.

"I asked you if you thought we would ever move our relationship to a physical level," Amy said. "You said, 'Why not?' Do you remember that?"

"No, and I don't think I like where this is going," Sheldon said.

"I suggested we come back here to my apartment, and you said that was great," Amy said. "I suggested that we adjourn to the bedroom, and you said fine, that you love me."

"I said I love you?" Sheldon said.

"You did. Do you remember what happened next?" Amy asked.

"No."

"I came to bed. I even put on makeup from the Penny collection: Red lipstick, mascara, the works. You were sound asleep. I tried to wake you, but you wouldn't wake," Amy said.

"Did we-you know?" Sheldon said.

"No," Amy said. "I tried on and off all night, but the most I could get from you was just now when you scratched my ears and called me Pavlov."

"I loved Pavlov," Sheldon said. "He was a good dog. He was my only friend."

Amy said, "I put your hands over my breasts, and you held them most of the night."

"I'm not sure what to do now," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, why don't we consummate our physical relationship?" Amy said.

"Ew!" Sheldon said. "I don't see the appeal of the sticky, sweaty act of coitus."

"What if I do this," Amy said.

Sheldon jumped. "What are you doing?" he said.

"Just trying to move things along," Amy said.

Sheldon bolted upright in the bed with the blanket over him.

"What happened to my clothes?" he asked.

"I undressed you and got you ready for bed," Amy said. "Those are my sleep pants you're wearing."

"I need my clothes," Sheldon said.

"Not until we get some things straight," Amy said. "I wish I had taken the rest of your clothes."

Sheldon got up out of bed. He found Amy's ratty old bathrobe. He put it on and said, "I'm going to go catch a bus. Drat! I need my money."

"Wait," Amy said. "Your pants and shirt are hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Your shoes and socks are there too.

Sheldon silently dressed and left.

Scene 3 Wyatt

Wyatt smiled as he looked at Patti, who was standing next to him in the beautiful wedding dress he had not seen before. On the other side of her, Penny stood wearing her matron of honor dress and holding a flower bouquet. Leonard, who stood next to him, handed him Patti's ring. He put it on her finger.

"Now place the ring on Patricia's finger and say, 'With this ring, I wed you,'" the minister said.

Wyatt placed the ring on Patti's finger and said, "With this ring, I wed you."

"Hey, Daddy, you're still asleep," Gina said, poking her head through the bedroom door. "Come on. Shake a stick. We have to go. You and Jason have to get ready to go to the bachelor's breakfast, and I have to go over and join Penny and Patti to leave for the bride's breakfast.

"Oh, all right," Wyatt said. "I never oversleep. I guess I should have set an alarm clock."

Wyatt picked up his cell phone and tapped Patti's icon. "Good morning, my bride," he said. "You didn't get cold feet and take off to Mexico overnight, did you?" [Pause] Oh, good. How did things go with Penny's craving for watermelon last night? [Pause] Really? Watermelon, brownies, and onion rings? You guys should have called me. I could have brought some homemade wine for us and homemade grape juice for Penny. [Pause] Yes, Leonard is a good guy. I'm so glad to have him as a son-in-law. [Pause] All right. Have a nice breakfast. I guess I'll see you at 3:00. Does your dad need me to pick up your sister at the airport? [Pause] OK. I love you."

Scene 4 Raj

Alex cuddled next to Raj as the train crossed over a river.

You are so beautiful, Raj said. "I'm glad you took my advice and went with the winter palette for your makeup. You will fit in well here in India with the makeup from the Penny Collection. I will do your eyes as soon as we stop moving."

"Your parents are going to love me," Alex said. "I know they wanted you to marry an Indian girl, but I have every confidence that, once they meet me, they'll come around."

"My sister Priya said she has been working on them for me," Raj said. "By the time we get there in a couple of hours, she'll have them all primed with stories about all of your accomplishments. My parents will put a lot of stock in your work with the Cern super collider."

"Well, I love you," Alex said. "I want your parents to love me, but, even if they don't, that will never change how much I love you, how committed to you I am."

Raj squeezed Alex again and kissed her.

"I'm so glad you are able to talk to me without alcohol," Alex said.

Just then, Raj's cell phone rang.

"Why is my cell phone ringing in India?" Raj said. "I don't have an international calling plan. Hello?"

"Raj," Howard said, "I will be there in 10 minutes to take you to Wyatt's bachelor breakfast."

Raj looked at his pillow, which he had been cuddling.

"Oh, all right," he said. "I overslept. I was dreaming. Maybe you should go pick up Sheldon first."

"Sheldon called me from the McDonald's near Amy's apartment," Howard said. "Apparently, they had a fight of some sort. It will work out better if I come by for you first. I'll wait on you if I need to."

"All right," Raj said. "I need to exfoliate and go through my moisturizer routine. As soon as I do that and put on some sunscreen, I'll be ready to go."

Scene 5 Breakfast

Howard, Raj, and Sheldon walked into the Pasadena IHOP and spotted Leonard, Wyatt, and Jason. They were sitting with an unfamiliar man.

"Guys, this is Patti's father Colonel Patrick Davis of the Los Angeles Public Safety Division," Wyatt said. He introduced each of the guys.

Leonard said, "I went ahead and ordered coffee for us, but we waited on you guys to put in our breakfast order. I needed coffee.

"The little woman keep you awake last night?" Howard teased.

"That's putting it mildly," Leonard said.

"Do we need to talk about this in front of Wyatt?" Howard asked.

"Howard, get your mind out of the gutter. Penny had cravings," Leonard said. "I've been up since before 3:30 out finding watermelon, onion rings, and brownies."

"You're a good man, Leonard," Wyatt said. "When Penny's mom was pregnant with Penny, she craved pickled pig's feet."

"Wow," Leonard said. "As hard a time as I had finding watermelon out of season, you must have had a terrible time finding pickled pig's feet."

"No," Wyatt said. "We already had them. I didn't have to go out trying to find them. Remember, we lived on a farm. I just had to go to the pantry and pull out a jar. Now, the mangoes she absolutely had to have when she was pregnant with Jason, those were tough. I don't know what it is about the women in our family that their cravings hit at 3 a.m."

"Gloria didn't have cravings with Patti," Patrick said. "But, with Gina, she wanted blackberries and bacon. I don't remember her craving anything with Sarah."

"You have a daughter named Gina too?" Wyatt said.

"Yeah," Patrick said. "She's deployed in Afghanistan. She's an MP. She did get to be there by teleconference when Patti was choosing her dress."

A couple of miles away, Penny, Patti, and Gina walked into the Pasadena Family Restaurant and saw Bernadette and Amy waiting for them. Patti's mother Gloria came in just after them.

"Penny," Bernadette said, "I ordered coffee for us, but I wasn't sure whether you can have any. The waitress is watching out for you and will come take your drink order."

Penny looked at the menu. "I think I'll have apple juice," she told the waitress. "I want some food. Patti, if you'll order, I'll wait on you, since this is the Bride's Breakfast, and you're the bride. Gloria, are you sure you and Colonel Davis can go get Patti's sister Sarah at the airport?"

"Patrick's going," Gloria said. "I thought I would stick close in case Patti needs anything."

"Gina," Patti said, "I have a sister named Gina too. She can't be with us today because she's an MP deployed in Afghanistan."

Patti told the other women about Penny's night. "Leonard was so sweet," she said. "He was out over three hours running down the watermelon, brownies, and onion rings."

"If Penny wasn't pregnant," Bernadette said, "I would worry that she had been smoking weed and had the munchies."

Everyone looked at Bernadette. "How do you know about the munchies?" Patti asked.

Bernadette smiled and said, "Remember, I went to Catholic school. What do you think happens behind the athletic bleachers when then nuns aren't looking? Some of those Catholic boys have some righteous chronic."

"Righteous chronic? Gee, I'm having breakfast with Silent Bob," Patti laughed.

"Leonard spotted a 400-pound woman with school-age children with her at Walmart at 4:30 this morning," Penny said. "He said he was playing Walmart Bingo. What is that?"

"I'll have to show you," Patti said. She took out her smartphone and handed it to Penny when she navigated to a link for Walmart Bingo. The women took turns coming up with other things to spot at Walmart, then they came up with what to include in Whole Foods Bingo and Farmers Market Bingo.

Back at the IHOP, the guys compared their dreams. "Wyatt," Leonard said. "You're the only one of us who was having dreams about what was actually happening. Maybe you're the most enlightened man at the table."

"Well," Wyatt said, "My life is pretty good right now. I'm right where I want to be."

Back at the Pasadena Family Restaurant, Penny said, "Amy, you're quiet today. What's up?"

Amy said, "I think I ruined things with Sheldon last night."

"What happened?" Bernadette asked.

"He told me he loved me when I picked him up at Wyatt's last night. I asked him if he thought our relationship would ever move to a physical level, and he said why not. I took him home with me and put him to bed. I put on makeup and came to bed, and he was asleep. I couldn't wake him. I tried different things, including having him hold my breasts. He held them all night, and this morning he called me Pavlov and told me I was a good dog and scratched my ears."

"He was dreaming," Penny said. "How did you get him awake?"

Amy said, "I talked to him. When he woke up, he was confused. When I told him what happened, he became angry and stormed out. I haven't seen him since, and he's not answering his phone."

"Sweetie," Penny said, "How many Long Island Ice Teas had he drunk?"

"He had four at the restaurant and three more at Wyatt's," Amy said.

"Oh, sweetie, I don't think Sheldon was responsible for what he said. You've seen how he is when he's had Long Island Ice Tea," Penny said.

"It's frustrating," Amy said. "You and Leonard, Patti and Wyatt, and Howard and Bernadette all had physical relationships before marriage. I don't know why I can't get anything from Sheldon."

"He did spank you," Bernadette said.

Patti strangled on her coffee. "He what?" she asked.

"He spanked her," Bernadette said. "He bent her over his knee and spanked her."

"Oh I have to hear about this," Patti said.

Amy told Patti about what happened.

"You know," Patti said. "If it was anyone other than Sheldon, I would say he was getting his kink on. Knowing Sheldon, though, he was probably actually just inflicting punishment."

"My ex-husband used to spank me," Gina said.

"By the way," Penny said, "Now that you and Arthur are divorced, do you get to see A.J.?"

"Who's A.J.?" Patti asked.

"Arthur, Jr. He's Arthur's son from a previous marriage. When I told all of you I had a 15-year-old nephew, that was A. J. He's what now, Gina, 19?"

"Yes, he's attending the local technical school studying automotive technology," Gina said. "Having a stepson only three years younger than you are is kinda weird."

"It's almost like having a son-in-law who is four months older than you are or a step-daughter only five years younger than you are, I guess," Patti said, hugging Penny.

"If I call you Mom, will that make you feel better?" Penny asked.

"No, it will make me feel old," Patti said. "You know I love you, right?"

Penny put her head on Patti's shoulder. "Yeah," she said. "I love you too."

Scene 6 Author's Note

Please do not think that I am ridiculing pregnant women. I borrowed Penny's cravings and hormone-induced emotional lability from my wife's pregnancy with our son, who is 7 days older than Kaley Cuoco, and my mom's pregnancy with my little brother. Not all of these things happened at the same time: I compressed the time line a bit, but we had all of the cravings and emotional ups and downs and lived to tell about it. Penny's unique blend of adorability and unpredictability make for some interesting moments. Back when there was an A&P, I found myself standing in the middle of a 24-hour one at 3 in the morning looking for watermelon as my Penny thought it more important that I go out in below-freezing weather to get out-of-season fruit than to get some sleep. Then she threw up the watermelon in my Mazda. I haven't been able to ride in a Mazda since then. I couldn't look at it after that.