ISSUE # 4:
THIS MEANS… WAR!!
Ke-huron came and left, Booboo came and left, and our hero (more or less) Soson did not even realize it, but now the Purple Pants Army is back to action, and not even our dearest Kagarrot will dare ignore them. Trouble's brewing...
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(Still in the fields, and Goku and Wilma still riding their robo-carriage, they speed up.)
GOKU: Let me drive for a while, Wilma!
WILMA: Let YOU drive? I'm not crazy yet, brat. I'd rather sell my body to science!
(They are being targeted by enemy scanners. The general orders fire over them.)
WILMA: Uack...!! (carriage broken) What the hell is that! (sees Star Wars ships)
GOKU: This guy attacked us! I'm gonna take him down! (is blasted) Uuurg...!
WILMA: (cornered) NO! No, please! I still haven't dated any hot boy...!
GENERAL: Wow, nowadays that is truly an achievement... but we are here for another matter anyways. Search her for the Ball! (Wilma smacks the ones trying, off-screen)
TROOPER: She's clean, my general. We swear... please don't make us do it again...
TROOPER 2: My general, the Ball, it was here! (shows it)
WILMA: WHAT!! All that fuzz and ships over only ONE Ball? You show-offs!
GENERAL: (alter facefaulting) Well... we got what we wanted. Now 'silence' her...
(Of course, the Troopers take the saying to heart and shut her mouth with duct tape.)
GENERAL: (sweatdrop) I mean, we can't leave any witnesses! So, when we are ready to leave, you kill them for good. I would do it, but it's rather gross, so...
(Ships and all remaining Stormtroopers prepare to shot Wilma dead, when suddenly...)
TROOPER: Er, milady, is it true that you haven't dated anyone? (wink) (is smacked)
WILMA: Heck, this is a dead end, everything's over... why didn't I shut my trap...
TROOPER 2: Sire, the Rebels are approaching to our position, sire!
TROOPER 3: What? How did you know that, soldier?
TROOPER 2: By looking just over there, sire! (points)
(X-wings and some more Rebel spaceships come there. Trooper 3 isn't impressed.)
TROOPER 3: Don't screw with me, scum! I'll get angry! (is run over by a ship)
REBEL LEADER: Someone, untie the girl, quickly!
WILMA: (0_0) Who are you guys?
REBEL LEADER: We are La Resistance, baby. We have been facing the Purple Pants mooks for quite a bunch of months. What did they want from you, then?
WILMA: But who are this Purple guys, and why do they want the Ba... well, 'that'!
(Goku had fallen asleep a while ago. Wilma smacks him to his senses. They regroup.)
REBEL LEADER: We can discuss this matter further when we are safe, at our militant base. It is not very far from here. Well, what do you say then?
WILMA: Truth be told, it is convenient for us both, these madmen could come again.
(They travel to the rebels' base, which resembles a Russian doll. The leader explains.)
REBEL LEADER: In such weaponized stronghold... all people oposing the Purple Pants Army have joined forces to try to overthrow their empire. We collected every and all volunteer who could lend us a hand agaisnt them.
WILMA: But who are those Purple guys again?
REBEL LEADER: In this map you can see the Purple Army's movements and bases. Such army appeared outta nowhere about a year ago, and they're expanding at alarming rates. While they're not an inmediate threat, their war machinery is a potential danger. Right now we are traveling to the JingleBell region to try to take over their fort there.
(In the screen appears a blueprint titled 'Death Mushroom'. Meanwhile, on space...)
SMALL-VADER: So, this means we have almost all of them already...
BLACK GENERAL: Effectively, sir. They all have been gathered except for one.
SMALL-VADER: And the ones which are... are inside our battle station, I asume? Then inform the station's staff about my coming, I'll go supervise the last checks personally.
BLACK GENERAL: But sir, we can't be sure Dr. Gore will agree to this! He insisted to work on all construction's stages without anyone, er, 'intruding'! You knew, right?
SMALL-VADER: The Death Mushroom must be completed on schedule. Such battling ship has to become the universe's ultimate weapon. Or at least, West Peco's. I wanna be present the very moment it finally becomes operative. Got it? Then… about those scum rebel dudes... don't worry, I've moved some strings to neutralize the most dangerous...
(Back into the Rebels' base, Wilma checks her Ball Scanner's latest readings.)
WILMA: The Ball Scanner says we are approaching to a bunch of... five Balls, no less. What can I do? After getting them I'll have to get the rest somewhere far from here... I am not sure if staying with the rebels is wise or crazy... that, and the boy is quite hot...
REBEL: We have made contact with the enemy's battle station!
LOUDSPEAKER: Attention everyone, go to the proyector-screen chamber! Of course, that goes for the elf girl, the donkey and the goatee dude too! Get your asses moving!
LEADER: (at the proyector) Well, this one's the Purple Pants main battle station, with more than a square kilometer of pure destructiveness and a damage output to cry your own pants out. But it is still being finished and the main weapon's still out of service.
(Near the Death Mushroom another Star Wars spaceship lands inside and is welcomed.)
DR-GORE: My commander, it's a great honor to have your presence grace us again!
SMALL-VADER: Cut the ironies down, Gore. I now know you don't exactly relish my presence here. I have my reasons to come. Get me to the operational center, and fast!
(JingleBell's snowy fields... being slowly infested with AT-AT's. Rebels scout the area)
LEADER: Darn, vigilance around the station has toughened, specially the main weapon
WILMA: Inside that thing... someone has five Balls. We must get them, no matter how!
(Both teens go back to the base. Meanwhile, Vader, Gore and the black general discuss)
SMALL-VADER: I see that our weapons' generators are totally functional, at least.
DR-GORE: Sshh, that's a secret, no one outta these walls should know, sir!
BLACK GENERAL: Yeah, making those rebels believe that our main weapon is still out of service was a quite skillful move... worth of a genius, if I may say, heh, heh...
(Image of Death Mushroom's main weapon, with a giant sign reading 'Out of Service'.)
BLACK GENERAL: Just as planned... here they are!
(The rebels open fire, but soon are placated by the evil army. A giant shadow looms...)
SOLDIERS: What the fuzz? Is it winter's solstice already...? (CRUNK!)
(The Russian doll has jumped and crushed the mayority of the opposing soldiers.)
BLACK GENERAL: The Rebel Army is advancing... despite our efforts!
SMALL-VADER: We can't allow that! Doctor Gore, activate the main weapon now!
(A giant mechanical hand appears from the top of the mushroom and crushes the doll.)
SMALL-VADER: HA! This will teach them!
BLACK GENERAL: My god, such brutality...
DR-GORE: Retreat the weapon!
(In the outside, Goku is laying on the show, out cold. A mysterious voice awakens him)
VOICE: Soson Goku, wake up. (shouts) WAKE UP ALREADY DAMMIT! I'm Gosh.
GOKU: Are you God?
FIGURE: No, GOSH! I am the Almighty Ruler of Heaven, I've come to speak to you...
GOKU: And why?
GOSH: Because it's written somewhere that the fate of all the world will soon befall on your shoulders, and maybe now it's the moment. You'll have to travel to Sakarin's holy grounds and learn from him, the same one that taught Moron-roshi all he knows today.
(Gosh does a heavy sigh and resumes speaking)
GOSH: Truth is, there was no time to choose someone better, so we will have to adapt. Now, go to him and let his teachings help you in your search of Ke-huron's Balls!
(Gosh dissapears in a puff of smoke, at the same time a Purple soldier comes charging.)
SOLDIER: I got ya, Rebel brat! (trips) (stuck on the snow)
GOKU: Wilmaaa! I have to tell ya something! (WILMA: You? Can't believe it!)
(Goku tells them about his meeting with Gosh, as the battle begins to get much worse)
WILMA: Wha? Go to hell and back now that we're close to victory? No flipping way!
LEADER: Poor boy, this is what a good whack in the head can achieve... Well then, we have to retreat! (radio) Guys, activate our base's module number two and get going!
BLACK GENERAL: Sire, you have to watch THIS! (shocked)
(The Russian doll opens and another one comes out. It ges our heroes and runs away.)
SMALL-VADER: (after facefaulting) Those rebels are only a bunch of pathetic clowns!
WILMA: This base has a rather... curious defensive system, hasn't it?
LEADER: Yep, but each time it's used it costs us 100 square meters...
DR-GORE: Special Agent! Follow the rebels' base and get me whatever individual you get first in order for us to interrogate the hell outta them! Get going!
(Again in the base Wilma's shaking the butt outta Goku for telling such foolish things)
WILMA: You are getting on my nerves with all that Sakarin crap, cut it out already!
LEADER: Wait a sec! What's all this Ke-huron Balls stuff? They are really that much powerful...? Maybe we could use them... to help us get rid of the Purple Pants army!
WILMA: Er, dunno, the truth is...
LEADER: If all comes to that, we must gather them. And if we need to go to Sakarin's holy grounds... we haven't a moment to spare! Everyone, on to Sakarin's holy land!
(The Russian-doll base leaves them near a village with a mighty tall tower inside.)
LEADER: This is Sakarin's tower... at its feet you can see the village inhabited by the unbeatable warriors who defend it. We will be waiting for you in the base, good luck.
WILMA: Damm kid, if you hadn't popped up your balloon you could have come alone.
GOKU: You can't blame me for having this hairdo, can you?
WILMA: Don't talk back to me, mothafucka! (smacks him) Then again, what will the warriors here look like? I can only hope they aren't inclined to violence...
GOKU: (gets his stick) Mmm? Where have I been storing this stick?
ASTERIX: (appears) Halt, intruders! What are you doing here? If you don't talk...!
GOKU: (uppercuts Asterix) That midget is crazy, I say...
WILMA: Now you have gotten us into a fix, moron! What will happen now?
GOKU: Hey, would you rather want to be beaten to a pulp?
WILMA: Er, excuse us, we are looking for some Sakarin guy, do ya know of him?
[AUTHORS: Yep, this is Goku's stick, the magic stick that comes and goes depending if the authors remember to draw it or not. It won't dissapear again, we promise!]
(The rest of the Gauls come to the entrance to see what the fuss is about.)
VITALSTATISTIX: So, you are looking for Master Sakarin, right?
GETAFIX: Only a truly prepared individual can hope to meet Master Sakarin, I say.
WILMA: We are ready for anything, we have come a long way only because of him!
GETAFIX: I meant physical preparation, as in being skilled in climbing things (points).
FULLIAUTOMATIX: Sakarin lives on the top of this tower, just so you know.
WILMA: But you can't even see the top! (sweats)
FULLIAUTOMATIX: But, you don't have to climb it right now.
WILMA: Really? Is he going to climb DOWN? I'll be very thankful, I'm rather afraid of heights.
VITALSTATISTIX: Nooo, you first have to defeat our champion to earn the right to!
WILMA: The 'right' he says... aren't you the tower's keepers or something?
ASTERIX: No, of course... we were already living here when the construction workers came and built all this stuff. See, here he comes! (shows) The Tower's Guardian!
(The guardian is an anthro black cat in a karate outfit. Wilma explodes in laughter.)
WILMA: Ahahahaha! He's only an insignificant CAT! See, lend me that stick a sec...
(Wilma gets Goku's stick and hits the cat skywards, earning the right to climb.)
WILMA: Well, it's done. Was that your 'unbeatable' warrior?
ASTERIX: We never said he was unbeatable, only that you needed to beat him. Truth be told, you have been his very first opponent... (WILMA: The heck?)
VITALSTATISTIX: Do you really think there has been someone THAT crazy to try to climb this thing? Now you don't have a way out of this, you MUST climb.
WILMA: God... what sort of mess have we been thrown into...? See, Goku, I know you are the most interested, so maybe you can climb and tell me about Sakarin later... right?
GOKU: Dunno... what if I get lost on the way up?
WILMA: How the heck can you get lost on a STRAIGHT climb! (pauses) Heck, I now can expect anything from this kid... okay, I'll go too... Do any of you know its height?
VITALSTATISTIX: Mmm, in very clear days it's possible to see the top, if it helps...
WILMA: God, we are gonna die trying! (they begin climbing) My only consolation is that if I ever plummet to my doom, I can take this bastard down with me... (grunts)
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KAGARROT: 'Cagarruta' meaning 'piece of dung' in Spanish, Goku's real name.
DR-GORE: Instead of 'Gero', meaning the doctor does very... gore-ish things.
DEATH MUSHROOM: Funny reshaping of the Death Star into a mushroom shape.
GOSH: Was 'Diox' in the original, here is Gosh as in 'Oh my gosh!'.
SAKARIN: Parody name for Karin the magic cat, after 'sacarosa' ('sucrose')
