Author's Note:
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Child of Doubt: Chapter 4

A Kind Voice, A Helping Hand


Natsuki spent that night pondering her conversation with Nao. She was forced to admit that Nao actually had a point: Natsuki needed to find some answers to the questions their conversation had raised. Though to be precise, it hadn't actually raised the questions, it merely pointed out their answers might not be the ones she was assuming. She knew there was only one place to find these answers, because the ``answer'' of completely cutting herself off from Shizuru and her family was too frightening to contemplate.

Thus it was that Natsuki found herself heading over to Shizuru's the next day after school. She hadn't arranged anything with Shizuru but figured she wouldn't mind a surprise visit. And if Natsuki would admit it to herself, she did miss Shizuru's company, even though that company still made her nervous due to her worries about Shizumi. Now, if only she could find the courage to overcome her fear that her assumptions about Shizumi were correct, and that Shizuru would be ...offended.

She stopped by the neighborhood grocery near Shizuru's to pick up a peace offering, choosing some cakes that would go well with tea. She knew she hadn't been treating Shizuru that well of late. Of course Shizuru would say this wasn't necessary, but Natsuki knew the gift, and the thought behind it, would bring a smile to her face. That was reason enough.

In the checkout line, Natsuki ran into Mrs. Oshima, an older friend of Shizuru's from the neighborhood. Natsuki had also gotten to know her since she had become a regular visitor. Mrs. Oshima was struggling from the weight of her groceries. It looked like her arthritis was giving her extra trouble today.

``Hi, Mrs. Oshima.'' She greeted her and reached for her grocery bags. ``Here, let me help you with that.''

``You don't have to go to that trouble.''

``It's no trouble at all,'' said Natsuki, trying to smile back.

``No, I can see in your face that you are troubled. I can manage.''

Natsuki paused. Can everyone read my thoughts on my face, she thought? Or is Mrs. Oshima just that perceptive? First it was Nao and now her. Another thought worried her: is this really bothering me that much? ``You're right. Something is troubling me,'' Natsuki finally answered, ``but it's not you.'' A pensive smile crept onto her face. ``Maybe helping you carry these home will take my mind off of it.''

Mrs. Oshima smiled back. ``Well, in that case, thank you, Miss Natsuki.'' While Natsuki picked up both of their bags and walked out beside her, she continued, ``You're so kind. Would an old lady's chattering help you to take your mind off whatever is bothering you?''

Natsuki grinned back. ``It can't hurt.''

Mrs. Oshima returned her smile. ``Well then, let me tell you the latest news of the neighborhood. You know Mrs. Mimori; she lives next door to that little park.'' She gestured toward one of the side streets. ``Anyway, have you heard that she's expecting?''

Natsuki had not, though she did remember talking to Mimori-san in passing when she and Shizuru were walking somewhere last year.

``She told me last week that I could tell people. We also ended up talking for a while about babies and naming children. This will be Mrs. Mimori's first child, so she's a bit anxious as well as very happy.''

Natsuki nodded, grateful she didn't really need to think or respond while Mrs. Oshima chattered on.

``We talked about names and how it's hard to find the right one. Of course, she and her husband will be making the decision together, but I'm still happy that she wanted to talk to me about it. That discussion reminded me of when I was expecting my first child, and I told her of my experience. My husband and I talked it over a bit. Of course, back then, that wasn't as common as might be now. He suggested that if I had a daughter, we should name her after my sister, Hanako. She was just a couple years younger than I, but ended up dying during the war.'' An echo of sadness yet remaining passed over her face. ``My husband knew both of us, as we were all childhood friends, and he knew how close Hana-chan and I were. He wanted to make me happy, and also honor and remember Hana-chan. But I asked him to pick a different name. I told him that no matter how much we loved Hana-chan, we couldn't replace her this way, and that I wanted our daughter—if it was a daughter I was carrying—to grow up and be her own individual self, not be shackled with someone else's name and hopes.''

She paused and the smile she gave mixed sadness for her lost sister with the joy of her own daughter. Natsuki looked thoughtful but said nothing, keeping whatever those thoughts might be to herself. So Mrs. Oshima continued.

``It turned out that I did have a daughter. She's now grown up and living in Fukuoka with her husband. They have a family and their daughter is a little younger than Mimori-san. Anyway, my husband and I decided to name our daughter Megumi, because every child—every person—is a unique blessing. And she certainly was such a blessing.''

Natsuki continued looking thoughtful. After a bit she asked, ``Do you think all mothers think that way?''

``I can't speak for all.'' Mrs. Oshima laughed. ``Who could? But I do know that mothers love each child in their own way. I remember talking to my mother when peace finally came, wondering if we could replace Hana-chan. She told me we could not, that nobody is replaceable. We did help some other orphans then, giving away many of Hana-chan's things that Mother still had. She said it was better for someone else to use and love these things than for us to keep and never use them, as if Hana-chan might someday return. She cared for the orphans, too, but I could see she liked each one for what they were, individually.

``Hana-chan always had a special, unique place in her heart, and so, I later figured out, did I,''

Mrs. Oshima's concluded her story as they arrived at her apartment. She opened the door and directed Natsuki to put the groceries on the table. ``Thank you so much for your help.''

``No. Thank you,'' said Natsuki. Then, at Mrs. Oshima's keen glance, asked, ``Please don't tell Shizuru of this little chat we had. I don't want her to worry.''

``So something with your Shizuru is bothering you?''

``Not directly,'' said Natsuki. She decided to let the ``your Shizuru'' slide, as she knew she couldn't change Mrs. Oshima, and if she thought about it, having the bond between them stated like this still gave her a warm feeling. ``Shizuru's not the problem, but it's sorta connected to her.''

``I see,'' said Oshima with an understanding smile. ``I will keep quiet on this. But if you ever need to talk some more, you know where to find me.'' Her smile turned into an impish grin. ``And you know how old women like to talk, ...and to help.''

``Thank you,'' said Natsuki. ``I'll remember.''

.

As she walked from Mrs. Oshima's apartment to Shizuru's, Natsuki pondered Mrs. Oshima's words. What if she was right about mothers and the way they thought and felt? Well, she was sure Mrs. Oshima felt that way herself, but what if she was also right about Shizuru's mother? This was the first time Natsuki had ever doubted her conclusion about why Shizuru's mother was being so nice to her own undeserving self. Everything seemed to fit together so well, but if Mrs. Oshima was right, then maybe, just maybe, Shizumi wasn't trying to put Natsuki into the box replacing her lost child.

Natsuki stopped at the corner and adjusted the bag she holding the cakes she bought for Shizuru, then turned up the street toward Shizuru's. She wondered what she might have done if she didn't have this package for her. Would she have chickened out and avoided Shizuru and the painful subject of her mother?

ooo OOO ooo

``Hi, Shizuru,'' Natsuki said as she opened the door to Shizuru's apartment.

``Natsuki!'' Shizuru was as surprised and pleased to see her as Natsuki expected. She got up from her books at the table to come greet Natsuki properly.

``Here.'' Natsuki held out the supermarket bag to her. ``I haven't exactly been good company of late.''

Shizuru took the bag. ``Thank you. You didn't have to, you know.'' Her expression echoed her belief the gift was unnecessary, but she found it more moving because of that.

Natsuki looked like she might want to argue the point.

Shizuru looked into the bag, then pulled Natsuki into a hug. ``Thank you, Natsuki.'' She pulled back to look her in the eye. ``Not only did you bring some nice cakes for us to share, but you also are giving me a happy surprise visit. Now, please, don't worry about that anymore.''

``Yes, Shizuru,'' Natsuki replied in a quiet, humble voice.

``Don't `Yes Shizuru' me meekly, Natsuki''

``Even when you're right?'' asked Natsuki with a grin in her eye.

Shizuru could only laugh in response.

Shizuru brought out more hot water, a teacup for Natsuki and a plate for the cakes while Natsuki took off her shoes and hung up her coat and scarf.

They both sat down at the table. Natsuki noticed that Shizuru kept a place clear for her even when she was using the table by herself. After each had taken a sip and a bite, Shizuru looked up at Natsuki. ``Something has been bothering you, hasn't it?'' she asked.

``I... uh, yeah.'' Natsuki didn't even bother asking ``You could tell?'' This was Shizuru after all, and if Mrs. Oshima could notice something in her behavior there was no way someone as perceptive, and who knew her as well as Shizuru did, could possibly miss it. Something whispered in the back of her head that she was glad that it hadn't been missed.

``You know me,'' Shizuru continued. ``You know I love you. You know I want to help. ...Please.'' The look Shizuru gave her could have melted stone, much less Natsuki's ordinary—or even now extraordinary—icy shell.

``All right. I'm still working out my issues, but even so, I shouldn't take things out on you. Especially when it's not your fault.''

``I haven't suffered any permanent harm.'' Shizuru grinned. ``And if your `taking it out on me' could help you, I'm happy to be the target.''

``I...'' Natsuki struggled for words. ``We'll have to see if it helped at all, but I can say this, just thinking how I've treated you badly this week has... made me uncomfortable and sad. So...'' She gestured to the cakes she brought. ``I'm sorry.''

``Then,'' Shizuru asked, ``has the time yet come when you can talk about what's been bothering you? I know how much you helped me by listening to my troubles, and I'd like to do the same for you.''

``I would... but...'' Natsuki's courage fled, and she shook her head sadly at her own inadequacy. ``I'm sorry. I don't think I'm quite ready yet.'' She saw a mixture of concern and disappointment fill Shizuru's face. Natsuki dropped her gaze. ``I am sorry. I promise I will tell you. And I don't want to keep things from you. It's... It's my fault for hurting you, and I never want to do that. But... I'm not yet strong enough... even with your help.''

``All right. I can wait.'' Shizuru gave her an encouraging smile. ``As long as you know that I'm always here to help, and that I want to help you.'' She sensed this was not the time to push that Yukino suggested, as such pushing now would only bring annoyed resistance from Natsuki. But that time to push would come. It was an effort for Shizuru to be patient, but one she gladly endeavored for Natsuki.

``All right, Shizuru. Thanks.''

``You're welcome, Natsuki.'' Shizuru's smile now was both caring and sincere. She had decided to consider her waiting for Natsuki to be doing something for her to satisfy her desire to help until Natsuki would let her do more.

``How are your studies going?'' asked Natsuki, trying to bring things back to a more normal conversation, like many others they had had while enjoying each others company.

``Well, things are going reasonably...''

Natsuki reached for another cake and sat back to listen as Shizuru began discussing her day.

Their conversation wandered from school to friends to new movies coming out, though as if by unspoken agreement, family never came up. Later in the evening, their cups and the teapot were empty and only a few cake crumbs remained on the plate. Both had enjoyed the time spent together. Natsuki helped Shizuru wash up the few dishes. As she headed for the door to return to the dorms, Shizuru gathered her in a hug which she returned with interest.

``Thank you for stopping by and spending some time together,'' said Shizuru.

``No, thank you,'' countered Natsuki. Memory clouded her face. ``And, I'm sorry.''

Natsuki felt Shizuru nod in acceptance before she asked, ``Could you come by again tomorrow?'' A quiet hope filled her voice as she gave this hesitant push.

``OK.'' Natsuki let her guilt and desire combine to make the decision for her.

``Thank you.'' Shizuru gave her a gentle squeeze. ``Say somewhere around five?''

``Sure.'' Natsuki wondered at her stating a specific time, but decided not to indulge her curiosity.

With that, and a kiss, Natsuki departed into the night.