Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, I think I would have exploited my ownership by now, wouldn't I?
Insight on Zane
"So, Zane, you mentioned going through this in a different manner than Jaden. Is that correct?" Bastion formally interviewed.
"Yes, I did say that. If I may ask, what are you doing?!" Zane lost his patience.
"Oh, we're simply gathering information, as well as providing a fan service for the readers."
"Okay, what are you talking about?! Have you lost it?! There are no readers! Why are you acting like we're being read about by people?!"
"Would you please just answer the questions, Zane?" Bastion sighed exasperatedly.
"Fine, but I still don't believe in these so-called readers. What do you want to know first?"
"Well, let's start with when you began having these strange symptoms."
"Very well. It all started when…"
(Flashback Time!)
A 14-year-old Zane Truesdale was sitting on his bed. It was another normal day. He was shuffling his deck, studying strategies, and writing down important details he'd discovered. Yes, it was just another normal day for Zane Truesdale, anxious to be nearing the time for his entrance exam into Duel Academy.
He had heard that Duel Academy was a tough school, pristine and polished in every way possible. Day and night, Zane would work hard, trying his best to perfect his deck and his skills. Eventually, the day would come when he'd be known all around.
But today, something strange happened. He was feeling something twitter inside his lower stomach. He would have classified it as being sick, except he wasn't sick.
This feeling just wouldn't go away! He'd tried cards, TV, video games, eating, but nothing worked! Oh, well. He'd just get used to it. It felt like a thousand butterflies were fluttering around down there!
I mean, seriously! Who wanted to have creepy insects with wings flying around inside your stomach, so close to your you-know-what?!
Apparently, Zane did. He had found a sort of peace in having that fluttery soft, almost ticklish feeling within himself. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before.
Then, the strangest things started happening…
First, he had the sudden urge to buy TeenScene Magazine and stare obsessively at the pictures of half nude women. Second, he felt very angry when his mother called upstairs to tell him that he needed to come down to dinner. For no apparent reason, he also snapped at his cards, shouting that they were never there for him when he needed them.
"What is going on with me?! Lately, all I've been doing is ogling girls, lashing out, and even weirder, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR THE ODDEST THINGS!!"
Oh, yes. Our prodigy has been acting very weird as of recently.
"Okay, okay. Calm down, Zane. You're not going to get any better if you keep this whole charade up. Let's just stop and think about how all this began."
Talking to yourself is a sign of insanity, but he didn't care at that point. There wasn't much he could do. After all, he didn't have any idea why he was acting like his perverted uncle. By the way, his Uncle Perry writes a series of novels called Lovely Ladies and they're based on the protagonist always getting together with the girl each book is based on. His uncle had once slipped a few of his books into Zane's bookshelf and that left Zane with a very noticeable blush all over his head.
Thinking back to that, Zane walked over to his shelf and leafed through the titles of the vast array of knowledge he possessed, called books. Finding what he was looking for, he plopped down into a cushion chair and got comfortable.
"I wonder if this has anything to do with pu-ber-ty?" He carefully tried pronouncing the word and looked more into the book.
"Hmm, this turned out to be very useful, Uncle Perry. Never thought I'd need the Don't Be a Perv with Your Girl so soon."
He brushed through the pages, discovering new facts along the way. Some, however, made him blush more profusely than a cherry tomato could ever grow to become. Others were too confusing to even bother with. Like, why couldn't a guy ask if his girlfriend wanted to suck on his lollipop? It's not like Zane was a big fan of sweets anyway. He rolled his eyes at that one.
"Then, you should keep it simple and sweet. Remember not to get too intimate if she's a shy person."
Zane continued reading until he got bored. Half an hour later found Zane searching frantically online.
"WHAT?! THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN GETTING ALL THESE WEIRD FEELINGS, LATELY?!"
Oh, it looks like he's discovered puberty.
"But, this doesn't make sense. I'm not just looking at girls more often. I'm also starting to have strange urges to see my blood flow freely and to dance to the Emo Song."
He kept searching for similar symptoms and came across a very strange conclusion.
"Oh, I see. Ah, that makes much more sense." Hmm, is it just me, or does he seem eerily calmer than he should be?
"Rock on, yeah! I have found the solution to all my problems!" Okay, maybe not.
"It is time to shed light upon this intriguing matter! I shall defeat you, foul hormones!"
So now he's off! Trying to rid his body of the evil hormones known as 'Duelist Puberty' won't be easy, though. He has enlisted help from the only other person to have gone through this at the age of 14.
"DAD!! I need your help with something big!"
O-kay, that wasn't expected. Well, it's not like it really matters all that much. Zane needs help; he should get help from anyone who can.
"Papá, we have a grande problemo! ¡Estoy pasando con pubertad! ¡Ay caramba! ¡Ahora estoy hablando en espanol!"
Whoa, looks like Zane's lost it. When did he even learn Spanish anyway?!
"Uh, Zane, calm down. It's alright. You know, it's a good thing I took Spanish in high school. Okay. Why are you panicking?"
"Estoy pasando con pubertad."
"Good, now tell me what you need."
"Como dirigiste esto?"
"There, now isn't that better? Speaking calmly and thinking rationally will get you much farther than panicking will. You're already getting closer to recovering your native language."
"That still doesn't answer my question. Oh! I can speak English again!"
"That's good. As for how I handled it, I just dealt with it. Puberty is something everyone must go through, duelists are no excuse. Just go with the flow. I won't be mad if you come home with a harem of girls on your arms while smoking marijuana."
"WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU?!"
"Well, I'm trying to be supportive."
"YOU'D ACTUALLY BE OKAY WITH ME CUTTING AND DRINKING LATE AT NIGHT?!"
"Please don't scream hysterically, Zane. It makes me feel deaf."
"I'm an orphan now! NOOOOOOO!!"
"Zane, Zane? Are you disowning me as your father? Zane?"
"I'm taking Sy-Sy with me too! You never loved me!"
Zane storms into his room and throws a hissy fit. After he calms down, he-
(End Flashback)
"Oh, dear. That sounds terrible. However, that was mostly irrelevant. We didn't need to know all of that information." Bastion stared, wide-eyed, at Zane.
"Are you calling my life irrelevant?!" Zane all but threw a hissy fit right there.
"No, no, I was merely referring to the information from your story. But, we do have a lead now. Thanks to you, Zane, Jaden will make a speedy growth. I think I'll go do some research now."
Bastion walks off, leaving Zane to curl up and cry to himself.
"Wait a minute! I'm supposed to be DONE with PUBERTY! NOOOOOO!!"
After realizing that he's been in that phase all this time, he pitifully mopes and broods to himself.
"Why, oh, why did you make me like this, God?! Don't you care about me?!" He screamed to the sky.
Outside, Bastion listens in and takes notes. "This will get me into college for sure!" He continues scribbling furiously onto his notepad.
Well, what do you think? I hope I'm getting better at parody, or humor, whichever this is. I can't really tell.
