Failed Explanations

Alex:

I still can't explain why I grabbed her hand the second time. I let Evan drive and sat next to Cadee to prove that I wasn't avoiding her and for some reason I grabbed her hand. I was mindful of everyone watching us and stuck our hands under my hoodie. They had seen me grab Cadee's hand on the way to the car and Evan had sent me questioning glances ever since. I would probably get the questions later. At least I had an hour ride to figure out what my answers to those questions would be.

Cadee fell asleep on my shoulder. I couldn't help but glance down and watch her. If I didn't know any better then I would think I was falling in love with her. But I did know better. I knew as well as anyone that you couldn't love someone else when you didn't love yourself. For some reason I started to think back to when we were kids.

It was soon after I had moved in. It was snowing and Evan and I were horsing around in his back yard when Cadee came outside wearing her snow boots and a sweater, with her Grover doll in her arms. In the six months or so that I had lived next door I had noticed that she never seemed to put it down.

"EVAN! Mom said it's time to come in."

Evan threw a snowball that hit his sister in the shoulder, causing her to drop the doll.

"Hey!" Instead of picking the doll back up she made a snowball to throw back at Evan. She hit him in the back of the head causing a full on snowball fight. In an effort to help Evan I grabbed the doll and threw it to him. Cadee was not impressed. She eventually tackled me to get the doll back. Just then their mom came out asking them to come inside.

"Alex honey, your welcome to stay for dinner"

"No thanks Mrs. Jordan, were going to my grandparents for dinner. I should probably get going." I turned and waved to Evan as I started for the fence that separated our yards. "I'll see you at school. Bye Grover." I said as I passed Cadee. I've been calling her that ever since.

We had to drop everyone else off first when we got back into town, and to my dismay Evan decided now was as good a time as any to ask his questions.

"So." Evan tried to start.

"Look I know you want to know what happened earlier like everyone else, but I don't know what to say." I might as well get this over with.

"Well yeah I do." He paused and glanced in the rearview at Cadee, who was still asleep on my shoulder. "You love her."

I was expecting something, anything, but not that. "Were friends, of course I love her. We grew up together." I say as a cover. I didn't know what to say. How could he know that? He was usually the oblivious one. Then again Cadee had said he was asking questions.

"Come on. Stop lying to me. I'd expect that from her, but not from you. I've seen the way you look at her. I know you love her as a friend. I used to think that was it. That you were so protective of her because she was like your sister, and think that used to be true. But now I can see it's different. You act differently around her, like you don't want to let onto the fact that you like her as more than friends. Today it became obvious, not only to me but to everyone else. Don't get me wrong, we've all seen you guys hold hands before. But tonight, tonight was different. What you did back in the theatre for her was scary. I thank you for it because I could tell she was uncomfortable around that guy. But your reaction scared me. It looked like you would have seriously hurt him if he hadn't of left."

"Yeah" I mumbled.

Evan nodded and continued, "She loves you too, you know."

At my dumbfounded expression he smiled. How would he know if she loves me? Cadee doesn't talk to Evan about boys. She barely ever talks to me about them.

"She didn't have to tell me for me to know." He stated, reading my mind. "She's always had a crush on you. Why do you think I never wanted her to hang out with us?" He laughed to himself.

"What's so funny?" I asked, obviously missing the joke.

"You want to know how I found out that she liked you?" I just stared at him waiting for him to continue. He nodded, "we were horsing around one day after you went home. She was teasing me about that girl that we both liked in like 7th grade, so I started tickling her. She begged me to stop; I said I would if she admitted that she liked you. At first she refused, so I tickled her harder. Finally she gave in and admitted it. I made her say 'I love Alexander William Gaskarth.' When I let her go she tried to take it back, but I knew it was true." He relayed the story with a grin.

"So, she was what, twelve?" I said, trying to prove that it wasn't true.

"Yeah. That doesn't mean its not still true. Last night when I asked her if something was going on between you two you know what she said in response? She said, and I quote, 'but he's Alex, the infamous ladies man, you really think something would ever happen between us?'"

I couldn't believe he just told me that. I couldn't believe Cadee had told Evan that. I couldn't believe.

"Look. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it. I know you guys have feelings for each other. I can't say I like that fact, but I get it. Let's just get one thing straight."

We were pulling onto our street, so I guess he want to get the threats out before Cadee woke up.

He glanced first at Cadee, and then at me through the rearview. "I know your not expecting what I'm going to say next, but please listen. I'm thankful she already knows who you are, probably better than I do," he said with a knowing expression, "So I know she knows what to expect from you. Please don't prove her right."

"What is that supposed to mean?" He was really confusing me tonight.

"It means, although the I will kick your ass if you hurt her, I know that I wont have to. I know you would never hurt her. I can see what you are trying to do. Your pulling away before you can get close enough, but that only proves her right. And that will only hurt her. She doesn't expect you to love her, but she expects you to be there for her."

"What are you saying?" I was completely dumbfounded. I have no idea what he's getting at.

He winced, "I'm just saying, don't pull away from her, be there for her."

We had already pulled into my driveway. I opened the door, picked Cadee up, and carried her up to her room. When I went to set her down on the bed her eyelids fluttered open. She grinned at me and let her eyelids fall back into place. I kissed her on the forehead, covered her with a blanket and started for the door.

"Alex?" she asked sleepily.

I turned in the doorway with a finger to my lips, willing her to go back to sleep.

She wouldn't give in. "Stay with me. Please?"

How could I say no? I climbed onto her bed, spreading out the blanket. She immediately turned so her head was on my chest as she held on to my shoulder. This felt so right. I grab her hand and hold it while I gently stroke her back, hoping she'll fall back asleep. I was used to sleeping with Cadee. If one of us was at the opposite's house and it got late we would just crash together.