Ok sorry about the wait. Enjoy my fellow twilighters for i love you all!

My one and only disclaimer: I do not own twilight or any of these characters. They own me, I am possessed by them. Especially Edward...he owns my soul. XD

I couldn't breathe. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.

There were so many thoughts so many emotions I couldn't process them all and I went numb. I just concentrated on breathing.

Breathe in…Breathe out…Breathe in…

I stood up and moved to the CD player, I couldn't panic until I knew for sure that it was his CD. I ran my fingers over the smooth case before I opened it and carefully put the silver disk into place. My finger hovered over the play button. I knew what song was first and I was afraid that this might be it. This might kill me, after all, there was only so much my heart could take. I pressed play.

It felt like an eternity of silence before I heard that first note. I practically slammed the stop button, my heart racing. It was his. I only needed that first note to know. Any more than that and I wouldn't be able to function for the next few days and I knew that right now I had to do something. I wasn't sure what this meant but I wasn't thinking. Ripping up my floor had given me this and I felt burning hope that it wasn't all that had been hiding under my feet.

The next thing I knew I had a crowbar and was tearing up the floor while trying not to hurt my self. The broken plank finally tore out leaving a dark ragged hole and I shoved my hand into the unknown. My fingers were in desperate search for more proof of his existence and more memories no matter what they cost me. I froze. There was more. I quickly pulled out photos and a folded note. I slumped down onto my bed, captured perfectly forever was my love, him. My heart screamed, my ears ringing with the sound of my pain and I curled up to hold my chest together, to close the gaping hole still bleeding there. I put the photo's face down so I couldn't see the golden eyes I missed so much and slowly picked up the folded note with shaking fingers.

I unfolded the note with my eyes closed.

"Be strong", I told myself, "You need to know".

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, immediately recognizing the beautiful flowing script as his writing.

My Dearest love,

You will never read this but I love you more than you will ever know. I wish so badly to be with you and to protect you and I just can't. Those two wishes contradict each other so I have done what is best for you. Not being able to cry is a curse and a blessing. A blessing because when I left you the tears that I so wanted to cry would have gave me away and you would still be endangered by my presence. A curse because I will be unable to express my grief for the loss of you for the rest of eternity. I didn't think I was capable of such monstrous lies but everything I told you in the woods was a pure deception and I write this note in a pathetic attempt to leave you with some truth even though you will never know it. I love you so much Bella Swan, please be safe and be happy.

With all my heart and soul,

Edward.

I remembered to breathe out and did a mental check. Breathing? Tick. Heart still beating? Tick. I was ok at least physically and the hole in my chest was not bleeding though I still felt it ache. Realizing that the note hadn't and wouldn't kill me I reread it several times my breathing coming faster. I felt nothing, not hurt, not joy, just confused nothing. It didn't make sense... I tried the words out loud.

"He…loves…me?" I couldn't help but make it sound like a question, I just wasn't sure. I felt surprisingly calm and I reached over to press play on my CD player.

I felt relief as the music washed over me, like I had been tense from the moment he left me. The same tears of love flowed down my cheeks that had fallen when he had first played my lullaby to me and for the first time in months I let myself remember him.

"You are my life now"… "Look after my heart, I've left it with you"… "I'm tired of trying to stay away from you"… "I love you"…

He had said all those things to me and I knew he had meant them then. Esme's song started then as a background to my thoughts and I knew that I could not just continue with life without the truth. I had to find out what he meant. Did he love me or not? I wouldn't survive another rejection. I would die from the pain or kill myself, but I was barely living without him, Charlie's suffering was proof of that. It was worth the risk, I had nothing to lose.

Before I could change my mind I was out of bed, drying my tears and stuffing my duffel bag full of everything I owned and that I could carry. I remembered the last time I had packed in such a hurry, at least this time I didn't have to convince Charlie to let me leave with tears and tantrums. I dived under my bed; retrieving the old socks I put emergency money in. I found 500 cash. Holy shit! I didn't remember putting it there but I wasn't about to question good fortune so I shoved the money in my wallet, driving that issue to the back of my mind.

I felt alive. I was aware of what I was doing and where I was. I was taking control and making decisions. I was on a mission to die or reclaim the love of my life and it felt great to be actually doing something. Even if it was death, it would be better than the numbing limbo I had wandered in before. I took a moment after my rapid packing to look around my room. It was in chaos. Floorboards ripped out, clothes everywhere, bed a mess. It was weird to see my room looking like someone actually inhabited it and I couldn't help but think that Charlie would throw a fit when he saw it. I double checked everything; clothes, money, passport, toiletries, photos, note and CD. I was ready. I grabbed the flight times and details I had printed off the internet while I had been packing. I had no idea where he was but I knew where to start, I was almost surprised I hadn't thought of it before.

Denali.