Do you ever wonder where you would be, if things were different from what they are now? do you wonder what kind of person you would of turned out to be, if a certain thing didnt change who you were and your whole outlook on life, permanately? do you ever just...look back on things, wish you could just turn them around? be that hand held out for someone, be that strength when they cant stand on their own?dont you ever just wish you had all the words to say to take away their pain? dont you wish you could do something in some way to make that other person smile, and truly mean it? dont you ever just wonder what your struggles would be like, if things were different. if you werent married, or didnt have kids, or if you didnt meet this person or do this that lead to that. what if what if what it...sometimes, i wonder, all the time. what would it be like for me, if i could just know the future, if i could just see. but, knowing me it takes learning. it takes expression. it takes growing. things seem so crazy at the moment and time and then when it's over you're like man that was still crazy but you say it with a tone that makes you wiser...I'm listening to this song that reminds me so much of my brother. i think alot, what or how would i be if i knew caleb was going to die...it hurts to even say that, type it, whatever...I keep re-reading it. None of this feels real. It doesnt feel like he's gone. I dont feel entierly connected. i feel like i'm so disassociated with alot of things right now. i have to remind myself that caleb is dead. My brother. Caleb James McCormack is dead...i'm not typing this for emphasis. I'm typing to believe...all i can do is sit here and stare at my hands and wonder. and think. i go away and cry and wish someone would just go find me and hug me then i think "God, what is wrong with me?" am i just seeking attention? i dont know. I dont know. I just dont know. I just...wish...i could see him. or hear his voice. I want so bad to say "I wish he was here" but i know where Caleb is, and i definitely dont want him HERE when he's got everlasting peace up there. What if i knew he was going to die? If someone told me at the beginning of 2012 "You're brother is going to die in a hit and run" i would take advantage of any and every minute with him because, lets face it, i wasnt a good sister. i was hardly around. and i hate it so much. i hate that i never told him how much he really meant to me. how much i loved him. that's what makes this so hard. and maybe i just keep egging myself on because i want to feel the sorrow, i dont know...i know i shouldnt feel like this. but i cant keep myself strong. I need God. I need Him...I need Him. I cant express that enough. and yet, i say it but i'm still being an idiot, head up my butt. I dont know. I just wish i would of talked to Caleb more. got to really know him...and if he would of never died? where would i be? the same. never around. i think about what i could of told caleb. how i could of helped him...i guess that's what this is all about. is just how much i wish i could of been there, REALLY. I was there, but not as much as i should. i wish that i could just look him in the eye and tell him i love you. I wish i could see him smile. i wish i could of told him that i would of always always been there for him. that he's got me and that i love him...when i think about how he was treated, the crap he got from dad, i get so angry and hurt. i wish i was there to save him. i wish that i could of done something...sometimes, recently, any time i'm in mcqueeney, i'd walk to where caleb died and just sit there...that's when it becomes real. i'm waiting to explode. to just break down. when i was there last time, i lit that candle that someone put there and just sat and cried. and i wondered how it would of been if i was there when he got hit. i could of held him. i could of told him, hang on caleb. just hang on. i love you so much. i love you so much. i love you so much. i really love you so much.i would of looked him in the eyes and said look at me, just keep looking at me. dont close your eyes. i would of prayed my heart out. i would of begged God. But i know that God saved him...i just wish i was there. i would of held him as the amnbulance came and told him that i'll buy him 500000000 bags of hot cheetos and big red, just as long as he stayed with me. i would of told him that he can live with me. I would of told him how funny he was and how we needed funny guys like him to stay around. none of this feels right or real, but it's teaching me to NEVER take advantage of someone you love. NEVER. i would tear time to just let him know just how much he meant to me. i guess this is just apart of my life and who it makes me. yeah, i wonder all the time, clearly, what it would be like otherwise. i miss caleb. so much.