Chapter 4
"I didn't fall, my dad pushed me." I don't know why or how I managed to tell the truth; it just fort of happened. Alex's eyes widened. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes, but each minute felt like a year. He raised his left hand up to my shoulder and grazed his fingers over the cotton of my jumper. He then ran them down the length of my arm. My breath caught in my throat as his fingers ran over my hand. He wasn't looking at me anymore; he was watching his fingers tracing patterns on the back of my hand.
"This isn't the first time he's hurt you, is it? That back eye…That was him too, wasn't it?" His asked in a monotonous voice. I don't know why he was asking. He knew the answers.
"Yes."
"You need to tell someone before he hurts you again." He still hadn't looked up.
"That would make everything so much worse. If only you knew him. Alex, I need to go. I have to get home. I can't be late." His head snapped up to look at me.
"Or what? What will he do if you're late Anna? Slap you? Punch you? Beat you? Throw you out the top floor window?"
"Stop it."
"No, I won't. You need to go to the police, or someone. Anyone. You can stay at my house or something. This is serious, and you cannot live like this."
"He's not a bad man, I just do some stuff wrong sometimes and he gets mad, like anyone else."
"My dad's never raised a hand to me." I had no answer to this. "Please, Anna. Talk to someone."
"Why do you even care? You'd never spoken to me at the start of the week and suddenly you're telling me how to live my life? You don't have that right. You don't have a clue whether I deserved it or not! You don't know what I did!"
"Then what did you do? What justifies a grown man throwing his daughter down the stairs?" I'd hit a dead end. I'd already blurted out too much. I couldn't tell him I was a self-harm addict too… Instead I ran. I ran out of the janitor's closet, down the school corridor, out into the parking lot, and hopped into my car. Alex had tried to run after me, shouting my name behind me. He wasn't quick enough. By the time he had reached my parking spot, I was already reversing out and driving away.
I knew that wasn't the end of that. He wouldn't let this go. What if he told someone? It'd make everything so much worse. My hands started shaking on the steering wheel as I drove home.
Hold it together, Annaliese. You're almost home. Everything's gonna be okay. Just calm down.
Everything was not going to be okay.
I managed to get home without getting scraped off the road. Lord knows how. As I walked up to the front door I could hear my mum sobbing loudly and my dad shouting at her. When I walked inside he turned his head to look at me. My mum was kneeling on the floor, her nose dripping with blood and he had one of his hands tangled in her hair, holding her head up.
"Look who's home, dear! The little princess herself." He pushed the side of my mum's head so she fell onto the floor and turned his whole body towards me. "What did you tell people at school about your head?"
"O-only one person asked, Sir. I told them I had tripped on a loose bit of carpet at the top of the stairs and hit my head on the bannister, and that mum was getting it fixed today."
"Good. Now get upstairs. I don't want to see your pathetic face." I nodded and ran up the stairs, making sure to slam my door just loud enough so he knew I was in my bedroom and not listening in at the top of the stairs. He caught me doing that once before, and it didn't end well.
I had some Physics homework to do anyway, and there's always studying to be done. It was important to get a decent score on my SAT's so I could leave Baltimore and go to a decent college. My form tutor thinks I could get into Harvard if I applied myself.
After an hour or so of studying, my father's voice bellowed up the stair case.
"ANNALIESE!" I quickly ran to the top of the stairs.
"Yes, sir?"
"Get down here. Now." I followed his instruction without hesitation. He pointed at the couch; a silent order for me to sit. So I did. My mum was sat on the other side of the couch. My father stood in front of the both of us, looking incredibly intimidating, completely the opposite of the way Alex had made me feel when he confronted me. I glanced over at my mom.
Her eyes were red and puffy, I'm assuming from crying so much. She looked tired, with dark purple bags sagging under her eyes. The blood that had been dripping from her nose when I arrived home had dried on her face. It was clear my father hadn't allowed her to clean herself up. The bridge of her nose was starting to go a startling shade of plum. She was looking down at her hands in her lap, looking ashamed of herself. I hated that my father made her feel that way. She was a decent human being, and he made her feel worthless.
"Now, Annaliese, it seems your mother thinks I was too harsh on you yesterday. I want you to tell her how you feel about the situation. Was I too hard on you?" He asked as he stared at my mother, who couldn't bear to look him in the eye.
"No sir, I deserved what you did. You were right. I am pathetic and I have no right to hurt myself." I said all the things he would have wanted me to say, none of them true. He turned to look at me and took a step towards me, bending down to come down to my level. I backed away a few inches instinctively.
"Is that right?"
"Yes sir. I'm sorry for what I did. I understand why that was wrong." He stood up straight again, and took two steps towards my mom. She looked at him through the corner of her eye, and he bent down towards her.
"See? She knows what she did. And she's sorry. And why is she sorry? Because I made her be sorry." He spat at her.
"I just think that-" she started to say but was silenced by one of my father's large hands colliding with her cheek, hard. I gasped out loud and the noise the slap made and the cry of pain she let out.
"Don't you undermine me, Elizabeth." He said in a slow, low voice. "Now, Annaliese, did you get any homework today?" He turned back towards me.
"Yes, sir. It's done."
"Good. You need to be on your best behaviour to avoid another punishment. Go and get it so I can check it." I walked straight up to my room without question and brought my physics quiz down, all the questions answered.
"Very good, Annaliese. You got them all right. Now if you would like something to eat, go and help yourself but make sure you don't make any mess in there." He handed me back the quiz. That was how it worked in my house. If I did something right, I was allowed privileges. Yes, I now eating is a necessity but my father didn't see it that way. Food was a luxury I was only allowed if I lived up to his expectations. I guess it's how I stayed so slim.
I made my way into the kitchen and cooked up some grilled cheese. I made sure to ask if my father wanted some, but he shook his head as he sat next to my mom on the couch as if he hadn't slapped her about not 2 minutes ago. I sat in the kitchen to eat. I was never allowed food in any other room other than the kitchen. The confrontation with Alex popped back into my head. I couldn't help but wonder if he was going to tell anyone. If my father knew that I had told someone, I'm not sure what he would do. I knew what he was capable of…
Working with him on this music assignment was going to become difficult from now on. I had hoped he would just drop it, but I knew that was unlikely. I would have to ask my dad if I could practise at his house too. I'm not sure how he would take that. Somehow I would have to conjure up the courage to ask him while I was still in his good books. I would have to do it now. Who knows how long I had left? So once I had finished my grilled cheese, I washed up my dishes and made my way into the living room.
"Um…Dad?" I hated to interrupt him whilst he was watching television but hey, no time like the present.
"What?" he grunted.
"I need to ask you something. I wouldn't want to go ahead and do something without your permission, after all." I knew that if I were to say that, he would think okay, she knows the rules. I'll consider.
"Go ahead, sweetie." I hated it when he called me that. It was patronising and fake. What I would give for him to say that and actually mean it.
"Well, we've been given a new assignment in music class. We have to work in small groups to produce a cover of a song of our choice, and I was put into a group with these two guys, Alex and Jack. I was wondering if it would be okay if I were to go to their houses to practise after school a few time a week? I only want to get the best grade possible, of course, sir. I know how important straight A's are." He turned his attention from the TV screen to me.
"Alex and Jack? Boys?" he looked annoyed.
"I know, sir. I was put into a group with them by our teacher. No one else wanted to work with me. Of course I know I'm not allowed to date, sir. Nothing would happen. Just practise for the assignment. I promise."
"I'm pleased you know the rules, Annaliese. I shall think about it." That was as good as I was going to get. I knew not to press the matter.
"Thank you, sir. I'll go and do some studying now." I started to walk up the stairs as he said "good girl" and directed his focus to the TV again. See? He's not so bad when you do as you're told. I just felt awful for my mom, sat on the sofa with his arm wrapped tightly around her shoulder, tired, upset and her face covered in dried blood. But there was nothing she could do. She was in his bad books, and if you're in his bad books, you have to do whatever he says or things turn ugly very quickly.
I did as I had said; studying until around 10pm, and then got into bed. I fell into a deep sleep quite quickly, the past few days catching up with me.
And I dreamt. Some nice, some horrific, but all better than the hell I was living.
