Starting Over - chapter 4

Looking To The Future

Hey guys- this is chapter 4 of 'Starting Over ' and another part of my season 14 story arc. In this chapter- Owen and Amelia face an important discussion about their future. Again, thank you so much to all you loyal readers and reviewers out there- you keep me writing! 3

It has been 5 months since Owen and I decided to give our relationship a fresh start. For me, it is the best decision I have ever made.

We would go on dates together at nights when neither of us is on call. Some nights, it's burgers or pizza at a nearby fast food joint, other nights it would be just cuddling together on the couch with Chinese takeout, watching a romantic movie. Although they are just simple dates, I have never felt happier before in my life. Sometimes, it's not where you go on a date, but who you go on a date with that matters. Whether we go to a fancy restaurant ( like where we went on our first date) or a fast food joint ( where we went on our subsequent dates), or just cuddle up on the couch together, it makes me happy to just be able to spend time with Owen.

I feel like I'm in 7th Heaven every day. With everything out in the open between us and no secrets left to hide, we can just be our authentic selves around each other. We joke and tease each other, and chuckle at each other's lame jokes. We share everything and anything about work- he tells me about his day in the ER and in turn I tell him about my day in the OR. We discuss interesting cases and sometimes brainstorm together to diagnose patients presenting with atypical symptoms. At work- we are no longer ashamed to show public displays of affection, sharing a hug or a kiss whenever we meet each other in the ER. Once, Owen and I got to scrub into a surgery together, a rare occurrence, to treat a patient who had been in a motor vehicle accident. All the general surgeons were in other ORs and the patient had an intraabdominal hemorrhage. He also had a subdural hemorrhage which needed to be drained out. The first 15 minutes in the OR was intense as we fought hard to save the patient. As soon as the patient's vitals stabilized, our light-hearted banter followed, with me still working on the brain and him still working on the abdomen. I can see the amused look on the faces of everyone else in the OR, behind their masks. After the surgery was over and declared a success, we celebrated in a nearby on-call room which happened to be vacant at that time.

Even at work, when he pages me down to the ER, I would feel my heart beating fast in anticipation of just being able to see him and talk to him, even if it is just him referring a patient to me. When we meet at the ER or somewhere else in the hospital when at work, we would steal glances, smile and wink at each other. Even simple gestures like this mean a lot to me.

I haven't felt this happy and carefree in ages, not since the day my Dad died. I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. I am so in love with Owen Hunt and he is so in love with me. What can possibly be better than this?

I now look forward to the end of my shift every day, as the end of a shift means going home to him. My favorite time of the day is when I am cuddled on the couch in the living room with Owen, half watching a lame TV show. I would lean on his chest and feel the warmth of his embrace and the comfort of his heartbeat as he holds me close. In his arms, I feel safe. In his embrace, I feel like nothing the universe throws at me ( like it always does) will bring me down anymore.


Tonight, Owen and I are on one of our dates, but we are not alone. Both Meredith and Maggie are on call tonight, so I am babysitting for the Shepherd kids. Luckily, Owen isn't on call tonight either, so he can help out.

Meredith arrives at our house at exactly 6 pm, holding Ellis on one hand and holding Bailey on the other. She has a huge bag slung over her shoulder. Zola is trotting along happily by her side.

"Hey." she greets me as I open the door, with Owen standing behind me.

"Hey." I greet back politely. "Hey kiddos." I say smiling at my nieces and nephew.

"Here's their overnight bag. I've packed all their belongings inside- their clothes, Ellis's teddy bear." Meredith says as she hands the huge bag over to me and Owen takes it from me. I'll come to pick them up at about 7:30 am tomorrow. But just in case I get delayed or something at work, you can drop them off at the hospital tomorrow.' she says in a hurried tone.

"Ok, sure, no problem." I say, as Owen nods in agreement.

" Auntie Amy! Uncle Owen!" Zola exclaims as she runs towards me to give me a bear hug. Bailey runs towards Owen to give him a hug too. Meredith lets go of Ellis as the little girl walks over to me and hugs my leg as well. I bend down to pat her gently on the head as Owen lifts her up to sit on top of his shoulder.

Sensing that she isn't needed anymore, Meredith adjusts her coat.

"Well, ok, I've got to get going. I'm running late for my evening rounds. Thank you so much, both of you, I know this is rather last minute." says Meredith as she gives me a small smile. She had just asked me to babysit her children this morning.

" It's no problem at all- it's always my pleasure to babysit them." I say earnestly as I look down smiling at Zola, who gives me a wide smile in return. Owen is already twirling Bailey and Ellis around as they both squeal with glee.

Although Meredith doesn't say it outright, I know that she trusts me to take care of her children. If Maggie isn't available to babysit her kids, she would approach me for help. Deep down inside, I'm glad that she entrusts me with her children. They mean the world to me, they are the last reminder I have of my brother Derek.

'Bye Zola, bye Bailey, bye Ellie- I'll see you guys tomorrow. Mommy loves you." Meredith says as she gives each of them a quick peck on the cheek, before waving goodbye and closing the door behind her.

As soon as the door closes behind Meredith, Zola tugs my arm, grinning widely. She loves spending time with me, and I enjoy spending time with her and her siblings.

" Auntie Amy, I'm hungry! "she implies, as she rubs her stomach to emphasize her point.

" You haven't had dinner yet?" I ask as I take her hand and lead her to the kitchen. Owen follows closely behind with Bailey and Ellis in tow.

" No, not yet. Mommy was in a hurry just now. She said that I can have dinner with you and uncle Owen.." says Zola matter-of-factly.

I totally understand that Meredith must have been rushing to drop her children off at my place and had to rush back to the hospital to begin her call.

" Ok, what would you like to eat, Zola?" I ask her as I open the fridge which is almost empty, save for some yogurt and salad. I've to admit, Owen and I seldom cook. We either eat outside or order takeout.

I lock eyes with Owen, who also notices the almost empty fridge. We both know that we need to do some urgent grocery shopping.

Zola thankfully doesn't notice this, as she skips around the kitchen happily.

" I want pizza!" she exclaims.

" What about you, Bailey?" I ask the little boy, as I stoop down to his level. Unlike his elder sister, who is a cheerful and chatty girl, Bailey is rather shy and reserved, usually content with just tagging behind her.

" Pizza!" he echoes.

"How about you, Ellie?" Owen asks Ellis as he strokes her hair.

" Down!" she proclaims, as she struggles in his arms.

We both chuckle at her answer as Owen puts her down and holds her hands.

" Ok, we're going out for pizza" Owen confirms, as Zola and Bailey cheer joyfully.

He walks into the living room to grab his car keys and the rest of us follow behind. It's going to be an exciting night ahead.


Over an hour later, we are at the neighborhood supermarket doing some grocery shopping after having filled our stomachs with pizza.

Owen is holding Zola and Bailey with one hand each, while I am pushing Ellis, who is sitting in the trolley, surrounded by our groceries.

We reach an aisle with a wide variety of sweets stacked on one side.

" Uncle Owen- I want the sweets!" Bailey calls out, tugging at his hand.

Owen's eyes meet mine. I shake my head as a silent signal for him to not cave in.

" Bailey- we already have plenty of chocolates in the trolley. Too many sweet things isn't good for you. You mom told me not to give you too many sweets." I try to explain to him gently.

Bailey pouts a little but continues following us quietly.

I continue pushing Ellis on the trolley as Owen follows behind with Bailey and Zola. I stop by the biscuits section and throw some chocolate biscuits into the trolley as Ellis giggles in delight.

Meanwhile, Owen and Zola are looking at some snacks in the opposite aisle.

I am so preoccupied with surveying the wide range of biscuits available, when suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder.

" Where is Bailey?" Owen asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

" What?! I thought he was with you?" it's my turn to frown.

" I let go of his hand for a moment to pick up a few packets of crackers, and the next minute he's gone." Owen explains in a calm voice.

" I was helping uncle Owen and I didn't notice Bailey walking away either." Zola chimes in.

'Meredith is going to kill me.' I think to myself. He is her only son.

" What are we waiting for? Let's find him!" I hiss as I stride down the aisle, yelling out his name.

" Bailey! Bailey!" I call, as a few strangers give odd looks in my direction. I don't care. All I care about at this moment is locating my nephew.

"I'm going to go make an announcement." I proclaim as I walk towards the information counter, beads of cold sweat forming on my forehead.

" Amelia, calm down. He might be wandering down the next aisle. I don't think he would wander far off. Maybe he went back to the sweets aisle to retrieve the sweets we denied him just now." Owen explains rationally as he trails behind me, pushing the trolley, with Zola trotting beside him.

I calm down at his words, and we walk back to the sweets aisle. Sure enough, there Bailey is, chatting with one of the staff working at the store.

"Bailey!" I call out as I rush over to him. " You almost gave me a heart attack!" I exclaim as I hug him tightly.

" I found him going through the packets of sweets here. I was asking him where his parents were." the young lady said, smiling. "He's such a sweet boy indeed."

"Thanks so much. "Owen says, shaking her hand.

" It's no problem at all. Children get lost all the time. We always have to make announcements." she chuckles.

" Bailey- don't you do that ever again!" Zola scolds in the most grown-up voice she can muster, as she places her hands on her hips, causing Owen and I to exchange a smile.

Owen takes the bag of sweets from Bailey's hand and places it in the trolley.

"You've got a beautiful family here." the woman says, still smiling. "Ok, I've got to get back to work now. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day! "she says cheerfully as she gives us a quick wave and walks away.

As I watch her retreating figure, I suddenly realize two things- first, I don't know her name, and second, she had assumed that we were a family. A family. With Owen. Just an hour earlier, during dinner, the kind-looking waitress had also mentioned that we are a beautiful family. As we were starving and the pizzas she was serving was so tempting, we didn't bother to correct her. This is the second time within the same day we have been assumed to be a family. Suddenly, a random thought of me and Owen bringing our kids to dinner and grocery shopping crosses my mind. I quickly shake the thought off my mind. No, we're not ready to start a family yet. Or are we? When is actually the right time? In a year's time? A few year's time? Since we got back together, Owen and I have yet to discuss starting a family. We just want to enjoy each other first. Owen's eyes meet mine as we stand there, watching the woman walk away. I know what he's thinking. I shrug and proceed to the check out counter, holding Bailey and Zola's hand as Owen follows behind, pushing the trolley.


A few hours later, Owen and I are standing in the guest bedroom where all 3 Shepherd children are sleeping peacefully, huddled in one big bed. We watch their chests rise and fall, and the serene look on their faces as they sleep. It is such a precious sight to behold. Sometimes, watching them, I wish I am a small child again, unaware of the big bad world out there.

Earlier on in the night, after letting the children play with the toys we bought for them, and after their bathtime, I read them a bedtime story while Owen took his shower. Ellis fell asleep immediately, while Zola and Bailey both were still wide awake and demanded more. Owen joined me, coming to my rescue, as we read them another story. After a few stories, their eyes finally shut and they both surrendered to sleep too.

" They look so peaceful while sleeping." I whisper softly, so as not to wake them up.

" They do." Owen agrees as he places an arm around my waist.

I look up at him and we both exchange a smile, before turning our attention back to the sleeping children. We stand in silence for a few more moments, just savoring this beautiful and peaceful moment.

" Can you imagine watching our children sleep?" Owen whispers softly, but loud enough for me to overhear as he continues looking at them.

Now I'm looking at him. He's doing it again. Way to ruin a peaceful moment, Owen.

" Our hypothetical children? Owen, don't get too ahead of yourself just yet." I hiss softly as I walk out of the room and he follows me behind, shutting the door softly behind him.

" Amelia." Owen begins once we reach our own bedroom. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that my comment would upset you so much. I didn't mean it that way."

"It's ok." I say in a monotonous tone of voice. I am tired, and I just don't have the energy to speak to him or argue with him right now. "I'm going to take a shower. " I announce, as I walk over to the wardrobe to retrieve my pajamas and bathrobe.

Owen sighs, shaking his head sadly. He knows that when I use that tone of voice- it's no use arguing with me.


I take a longer shower than usual, feeling the comforting feeling of the warm water touching my skin. As I stand below the shower, I let myself feel all my past sorrows and hurts. I find my mind drifting to my unicorn baby. The precious, beautiful, innocent baby who was gone too soon. I still remember holding him in my arms for the few precious minutes as he squeaked, before he was taken away from me. For that few moments, I was a mother. I am still a mother, the only difference is that my child is no longer with me. I wonder- what would he have been like if he is still alive? He would have been 6 this year. He might love running around on the playground or soccer field with other boys his age. He might love Transformers, or one of the Marvel superheroes. He might love ice-cream and chocolate and hate vegetables. And I would have brought him to dinner and grocery shopping, then read him a bedtime story before tucking him to bed and watching him sleep at night, just like I did to the Shepherd children this evening. But now that he's gone, I can't do all these things.

I feel a few tears roll down my cheeks and I let the water from the shower wash them away.

I don't know whether I am ready to have children again. I remember the paralyzing fear I felt when I was waiting for the pregnancy test last year, and the overwhelming relief I felt when it turned out to be negative. Owen didn't know how I felt back then, and although he now knows the full story, I'm not sure he can fully understand or empathize with me.

So many thoughts cross my mind now. Am I ready to start a family with Owen? Am I ready to be a mother again? Am I ready to go through pregnancy again, and face the uncertainty of the outcome this time? What if I have another anencephalic baby? I know very well that Owen will be by my side to support me and he'll love me no matter what- but I just can't have another anencephalic baby. I just can't lose another baby. There is already a hole in my heart which my first baby left, I can't bear to suffer yet another loss. Can anyone understand this?

As the water from the shower continues flowing down my skin, more thoughts enter my mind.

All this while, I have been so preoccupied with the fear that any subsequent baby I have might be anencephalic. Addison has told me over and over again that the chances of me having another anencephalic baby is very low, but I refuse to believe it. Instead, I let the fear of it happening consume me.

What if….what if I actually let myself feel hope for once? What if I let myself believe that I can actually have a healthy baby, have healthy babies? What if I let myself believe that I can start a beautiful family and have a wonderful life with Owen? I have been so tied down by my past that I never allowed myself to dream about my future. Maybe….just maybe….it is possible that I can have an incredible future with Owen. Owen is a wonderful guy, so loving, caring and compassionate. It is obvious that he loves me so much, and I love him deeply too. I know how much he wants a family. Deep down inside, beneath all my fears about having another anencephalic baby- I am also longing for a family. A family which I never had growing up, not since my dad's death. Maybe for once, the universe wouldn't conspire against me?

I finally decide now that I cannot run away from the shadows of my past anymore. I have to face the demons of my past, defeat them, and look forward to a future full of hope, love and happiness.

Of course, this includes talking to Owen.

When I step out of the shower, Owen is already snuggled under the blankets asleep. He must have had a tiring day at work, plus the tiring evening with the kids.

After putting on my pajamas, and checking on the kids again in the room next door, I climb over to my side of the bed and pull the covers over me carefully, making sure not to wake Owen up.

He slowly stirs beside me.

"Owen, are you awake?" I whisper as I slowly turn over to face him.

" Yeah." he replies in a low voice.

" Look- I'm sorry for how I behaved earlier. I know I was out of line." I say softly as Owen slowly turns around to face me. I can see his downcast facial expression clearly as the bedroom lights are still on.

"I told you about my unicorn baby that night on our first date. " I begin and pause, not knowing how to continue .

"I know. "Owen says softly as he nods, and takes my hands in his. "I know how much the loss impacted you and how much you miss him."

The bedroom is silent again as I run in my head what to say next. I really need him to understand me, because we're in this together.

I swallow hard before I continue. "You know- when I look at my nieces and nephew sleeping, I wonder what it's like to watch my own son sleeping." I begin. "He would be 6 now, and he would have been running around and giving us scares like what Bailey did just now. I would like to think he would have been a happy and cheerful boy, always putting a smile on my face."

Owen just rubs my arm softly, as a silent gesture of support.

"But then, I think- if I continue to cling to the 'what ifs' about him, how am I supposed to go on with my life? He's no longer here with me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I chose to think that he's in a better place now and I'll meet him someday. But until then, I don't think he would like to see me wasting my life clinging to the past like this. I don't think Derek, Ryan or my dad would have liked that either. I think they would've wanted me to be happy and move on with my life. "I say.

Owen nods, seemingly in understanding. "I know what you mean. I guess I am subconsciously holding onto my past too. My family just wasn't the same after my dad died. I think in a way I wanted a family to fill the void that his death left behind. I do think he would want me to move on as well."

I nod as we lock eyes. Now I understand why Owen has always wanted a family.

"I guess we both have scars from our past and demons of our past which haunt us. "I say. "We have both lost loved ones and know the pain and anguish that loss brings. But I do think that our loved ones we lost just want us to be happy and move on with our lives."

"We need to move on. Have a brand new start. Which is what we're doing now." Owen points out, a serious look on his face.

" Yes- and part of moving on is starting a family." I finally blurt the word out before I can stop myself.

Our eyes meet as I notice Owen's face slowly light up at the mention of the word 'family.'

"Amelia." he whispers as he takes my hand in his. "It's ok if you don't want to start a family. Yes, having a family means so much to me, but if you aren't ready, or don't want to have children, it's totally ok too. I wouldn't force you. Or maybe we can just adopt or foster. I've learned my lesson. I just want you to be happy, I love you so much and just want both of us to be happy together. We can be happy together and build a wonderful future together, with or without children."

I study the earnest expression on his face.

"The thing is- I do want children." I say honestly. "Deep down inside- I do want children of my own. I love kids. I enjoy babysitting for my nieces and nephew. But before this- I was clinging to the memories of my unicorn baby. I was letting the fear of having another anencephalic baby prevent me from the wonderful possibilities that the future holds. I think I should really let go of my past and look forward to the future. I mean, what lies ahead is scary, but it's exciting at the same time. I feel like with you by my side, I can face anything the universe will throw at me in the future."

" Yes, I'll be by your side to support you no matter what." Owen says, an earnest tone in his voice.

I nod and smile at him, before I swallow again. What I'm about to say next is important.

" With you by my side- I'm ready to start a family." I say, softly, but loud enough so that he can hear me.

Owen blinks at first, as if unable to believe what he's hearing.

"Yes, I'm ready to start a family with you." I repeat, louder and clearer this time. Almost immediately, a huge burden is lifted off my chest. I have never been this sure of something before in my life.

" You sure about this, Amelia?" he asks cautiously as he takes my hand in his. " I mean- of course I would love to have children with you- but I don't want to pressure you if you aren't ready. I want you to be truly prepared first."

"Yes, I'm sure. I want to start a family with you, Owen. I want us to have children together- to take them for pizza and grocery shopping together. I picture our future together, reading bedtime stories to our children and watching them sleep. I want all this with you. " I say from the bottom of my heart as I look him in the eye.

A smile slowly forms on Owen's face.

He wordlessly pulls me close to him and kisses me on the forehead.

"I love you so much, Amelia." he whispers. "And our future children. They'll be perfect."

" They'll be perfect." I repeat, certain of what I'm saying.

Owen cups my face and our eyes meet. His eyes are shining, radiating joy. If he is happy, I'm happy too.

He then kisses me passionately on the lips and I reciprocate the kiss.

"I mean- not right now." I joke in between kisses. "I need to be off my pill first and we might need to wait a few more months for my hormones to balance back to normal."

"I know, but we can always practice first. Practice makes perfect, and practicing is fun." Owen winks at me as he pulls me in for another kiss.

That night, we celebrate our future- the future which is uncertain and scary, but exciting and full of amazing possibilities. With Owen by my side, the future is wonderful indeed.

Ok guys- this is it, the end of this chapter, Omelia finally agreeing on starting a family! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please do let me know what you think- review, comments and messages are very much appreciated! I would really love to hear from you! 3 Receiving reviews and messages about my fics really keep me going and mean so much to me :)