Chris was wandering in the hallway of the room where the first zombie had been encountered. He stared at the corpse of Kenneth. "Wow! I not only discovered who killed Tupac...I have the body and the suspect! Oh man, Redfield you're gonna make detective after this!"
Chris pulled out his walkman and sat down and began to listen. A man walked out and said, "Hey! Officer! Can you help me?"
Chris held up a hand and said, "Sure walk with me. But don't tal until after I finish this song."
As they walked they soon found themselves in a bathroom with a zombie in it. "Officer, help me! You have a gun! Shoot him!"
Chris replied, "Shhh! I'm trying to listen to When I Get Free. The man JUST DIED and he was living in obscurity for two years as a police officer with the Raccoon Police. I owe it to him to give Hip Hop a chance!"
Elsewhere, Jill grabbed the shotgun and as she came back into the adjacent room, the ceiling started to lower. Jill did not notice it at first until she heard music indicating something was wrong. "This must be a sign something's wrong!"
She checked the doors. It's locked.
As she checked the other one she saw it say, It's locked.
She went back and tried the opposite one again and the door made the same sound. The text across her vision read, Bitch, I said it's locked. Are you fucking dyslexic? Oh goddamn it if you are you can't read this or my warnings before it!
Jill frowned. "Well, that's rude! What's going on?!"
Seriously, if you haven't figured that out, you deserve to be crushed to death.
Despite the rudeness of the door, a male voice spoke up. "Is that you, Jill? What happened?"
"Shinji? Help me please. The door won't open. Quick!"
"No, it's Grand Dragon Burton of the Ku...I mean it's Barry...your old pal from the Stars unit. Stand away from the door, Jill."
He kicked in the door and she got out. "That was close you were almost a Jill Sandwich. Only not nearly as sexy or tasty. Speaking of tasty, I was told you would have more of that ketchup. I need another sample for proper analysis."
"Thanks. You saved my life. But Barry what on earth are you doing here? I thought you were going to find a kitchen. Or a Wendy's. If Chris doesn't get his pepperoni pizza he's going to be very grumpy."
"Yeah about that...they don't serve pizza at Wendy's. Which is really weird. I was pretty sure they did. I mean...the girl on the front of the sign has red hair..."
"I know, right? Pizza sauce!" Jill stated. Just then, Barry's voice went up high several octaves until he sounded like a bratty nine year old girl and he pointed his Magnum at Jill. "YOU PROMISED ME MORE KETCHUP!"
Jill held her hands up. "Wait..."
"Sorry..." Barry said lowering the gun. "Low blood sugar. Or was it high blood sugar? Let's meet up again once I've figured it out."
With that he left. Jill made her way through several hallways spotting a zombie. "Good, god, you stink," Jill said. "And look at those clothes! This is supposed to be a freaking mansion. Homeless people are supposed to be on skid row where they belong. I mean what do tax payers pay me for if not to suppress the rights of the lower class?"
The zombie came closer towards her. "uhhhh..." Jill aimed at him. "No. I don't have any change I could spare. i spent it all at the boutique on miniskirts and halter tops. So what?! I work for a living why shouldn't I have the right to enjoy the fruits of my labor?" With that, she pulled the trigger on the shotgun and the thing's head exploded. Another zombie was coming up the hall. "Actually. I can spare some change. These shells are worth at least 50 cents. You can have them. That'll be worth more than you taking your cans to the recycle place for beer money, drunkie!" She fired striking the zombie in the chest and it fell over. It grabbed her boots and she cried, "Ugh! Now I'm never gonna get the stink out!" She kicked the zombie in the face and fired into its throat. "Keep the change. Don't spend it all in one place, stinky..."
She made her way to a room where she spotted Forrest with his eyes pecked out. It's forrest. He's been pecked to death.
"Huh...and Brandon Lee movies led me to believe Crows were good guys while Edgar Alan Poe novels says ravens are the assholes..." She then remembered, "Oh no not Forrest he was such a good so and so yada yada yada," Jill said without enthusiasm. She took his bazooka. "Wait, a freaking bazooka?! I'm sorry is this 1998 or is it World War II? Sheesh! And the bigger question is would I even fight for the Americans? I'm so confused."
"Jill...help me..." Forrest stated. "Wait, you're still alive?"
She checked his body. It's Forrest. He's been pecked to death.
"It says you're dead," Jill told him. "What?! That can't be. I'm talking to you right now...I can't see!"
"Yeah, we all have problems, Forrest. You can't see, I'm not going to make it the boutuique on time to get that new pair of boots I wanted with my outfit and i need a haircut. The point is, Freddy, everybody has problems."
"My name is Forrest!"
She checked him again. It's Forrest. He's been pecked to death.
"Yeah, it says you're dead."
"What the hell? I am not! And where's my bazooka? Did you take it?"
"Yeah, what's with that? Why would you have a grenade launcher that was produced between 1942 and 1945?"
"I don't know, Jill. Lord Makami willed it that way I guess."
"Well the text says that you've been pecked to death and God determines the text so I gotta go with what I see,"
"That's insane! jill...help me!" She sighed. "Alright, I'll be your seeing eye Jill...but I'm not going to hold your hand."
He stood up and said, "I think I can walk..." He walked forward. "Now, which way out of here? I got my eyes pecked out before I could get my bearings."
"Gee, why didn't you use the Bazooka, Rambo?"
"Hey if you have that much of a problem with the weapon, give it here."
She said, "Alright, I'm over here. Walk this way," He walked over the edge and slipped. "Jill, help me!" Jill grabbed him without putting any effort. He fell and screamed. "Oh no not Forrest!" She said with a yawn.
She turned to the crows. "Enjoy your meal. You owe me one."
"Bring us an Italian next time cunt, or your eyes are next," One of the crows stated. Another that sounded weirdly like Gilbert Godfreid shouted, "YEAH! I'm tired of eating Chinese tourists that get lost i the Arklay Mountains! I just get hungry an hour later! And no Thai people either! They give me the shits."
"Except for that one bitch in the red dress that queer John is always lusting after. I wouldn't mind eating her!" With this the crows cackled in laughter.
Chris woke up to see Rebecca blowing him but she seemed to be shooting her own saliva up into his dick hole. "Rebecca what are you doing?"
"I had to suck the snake poison out of you and now I have to get the serum in! The poison was nasty, Chris and there was a lot of it. Sticky, white and salty. You're lucky I got it out of you when I did!"
"Right...poison..." Chris said. When he was finally okay he told her, "Hey you mind hanging on right there? I'm gonna go check on my team mates to see if any of them are out in the main hall."
Chris walked back out into the main hall. "Whisker? Jill?" He searched the area. "What happened to Jill and Whisker?"
Chris made his way back to a room filled with a tentacle monster. He turned to Rebecca. "Tentacle rape, anyone?" She put the chemicals in the water to kill the thing and Chris noticed a red herb. "Sweet! Mexican Red Haired skunk!" He rolled up a blunt and mixed it with his green herb chronic. "Um, sir, I don't think we're supposed to be smoking weed on the job."
"What are you, internal affairs? Take a hit..." He handed it to her and she took a hit.
Chris made his way into a room with a piano. He tried to play the piano. "Wow! I always wanted to play the clarinet!" He began to play the song chopsticks. The text read, Wow, way to rip off from the movie, Big, asshole! You gonna rip off everything Tom Hanks does? Why don't you put on a dress and play a woman then. Keep it real, Christina!
Chris's voice turned high pitched. "My name is not Christina! QUIT CALLING ME THAT!"
Just then, Rebecca came in. "It's me, Chris."
Chris took a look at her and stared for about thirty seconds. "Is that you, Rebecca?"
"Jesus, christ, I thought Billy was a dumb ass for not knowing how to mix two herbs together I mean what kind of ex con doesn't know how to properly roll a joint or a blunt but YOU?! How did you even pass the academy?"
"The what now?" Chris asked.
"Ah fuck it. Never mind. What are you trying to play?"
"It says Creampie Selena...well that's just in bad taste. She was just killed three years ago! Unless it's a pornstar named Selena..."
"It says Moonlight Sonota you dolt."
Rebecca began to attempt to practice. "Do you mind if I practice for a while?"
Chris told her, "You know, Jill would have taken care of this already!" Rebecca screamed, "I AM NOT JILL! Okay maybe I'm not as busty or leggy as her but Billy told me that he liked how I looked just like a little girl and a little boy at the same time and how when he turned me around and my hair was wet in the shower, he could hardly tell a difference!"
Chris unzipped his fly and lay down on the bench. "Well, you do have one hand free. Might as well put the other to use. Papa Chris needs to get off."
Rebecca said, "I can't..." He put her hand on his pecker and her other hand on the piano. "You see? Just relax and play..."
She began to play it and it unlocked it. "Gold emblem..." She said as it unlocked.
Ten Minutes Later
Jill spotted Wesker in the hall. "Jill! I left some ammo for you in the storage box. Also some ink ribbons if you need to save. Have you found Chris yet?"
"No luck. i mean I was walking by a room and I heard somebody attempting to play Moonlight Sonota but I thought that can't be him. All though I did hear a guy that moaned exactly like Chris but I didn't investigate. Like I said, he can't play the piano."
"It seems Chris is the brawn and you're the brain. In any case he proably won't survive but we still can. I am able to play moonlight sonota with a banana in my anus using only the banana and my anal muscles."
"When would you have learned to do that? And why?" Jill asked. "Oh you know...just some CRAZY fraternity parties. Say Jill...do you think this midnight purple outfit makes me look gay?"
"You look like an Aryan Tinkie Winkie only not as straight," Jill told him. Wesker tied his shirt in a knot. "How about now?"
"Still pretty gay."
"Oh really? Well there can't be anything gay about THIS!" He pulled his pants down to show he was wearing a black g string with an elephant trunk on the front to cover his junk. "Actually, that looks pretty hetero You should go with black from now on. It's a less gay color."
"Anyway..." Jill said, "Can you help me find Chris?"
"I'd love to Jill but I think Barry would make a better partner. I'm not used to escorting...
women..." He then quickly added, "To anywhere outside of to my bedroom."
"But Barry's off on some wild ketchup goose chase! He's probably going to go licking zombies just to see if they taste like the 'ketchup' he thought he tasted!"
"I'm very sorry, Jillian but as your superior it's my job to do almost nothing to help you while watching your own performances under pressure and judging you if you screw up. If we were in the STARS office i wouldn't even be standing. It's not that I can't help you...it's that it's my job to do as little as possible and appear like I'm trying to help you while actually making your job more difficult. Kind of like when I always stand over your shoulders whenever you type any reports at the precinct and I say don't mind me and no pressure? Well, there's pressure. It's not easy for a female cop to make it. Rebecca made it because she looks androgynous in her basketball uniform."
Jill started to walk away but said, "Faggot..."
Wesker demanded, "What did you just say?!"
"What did you hear?" Jill asked with a smile. "I'd rather not repeat it..." Wesker said turning red.
"Then I guess we'll never know," Jill said with an even more evil grin.
Meanwhile
Chris walked into a room to find a gigantic plant monster bigger than the one that Rebecca had used poison to kill. "Dude! You have like ten penises! Wesker and Barry were my original masculine heroes but I think you might be now!"
The thing grabbed Chris and started lifting him up in the air. "What in the name of otaku-weeaboo-tentacle rape-homosexual-hentai-that-will-make-the-Japanese-hate-us-even-more do you think you're doing?! We're all Shinji Makami's children brother! Don't be inspiration for the weebs! This scene alone could give millions of pimply loser faggots in their moms basement so many ideas to put on rule 34 and deviant art! I'm begging you, man, don't do it!"
Just then Rebecca came in. "Chris! What's happening?!"
"Rebecca! I don't know anything whatsoever about botany. The truth is, I spent my days in High School skipping class to go and huff paint with the cool kids. I need your nerdy brain to work for me! After all, i have no idea how any of this works but because you solved a much smaller instance of a homicidal plant and you played Moonlight Sonota I'm assuming you can do it!"
Rebecca ran out the door and said, "Chris! Don't die!"
"Don't die...? What...who writes this crap?!"
Rebecca went to a nearby room and saw one of the rooms she could feed into the plant. She spotted a bottle of Hunt's ketchup. "This should do it..."
Back inside the room, Chris had been violated in every hole by the plant. "Am i still your hero, boy?" Demanded the plant with a thick southern accent.
"Yes sir..."
"I got a cabin up in Big Bear. Maybe you come by to visit..."
"M...m...maybe..."
"Maybe you CALL a few days in advance so I can clean the place!" The plant growled. "Y...yes. sir..."
"Maybe you bring a blazer so we can go to a wider range of places to eat!" The plant said. Just then it began to wither up and die and Chris quickly pulled his pants up. Rebecca came into the room and Chris wiped away his mascera tears. "Strong Redfield...strong Redfield..."
"Chris..are you alright?"
"I'm just fine...it looks like you got to the ROOT of the problem..."
Rebeca withdrew her Beretta and shot him in the left arm.
Thats it for this chapted as always shorter but hey im not a comedian so i wont have as much inspiration at a time as i will to write violence.
Anyway, I had Rebecca mention Billy because seriously he doesn't know how to mix herbs. What a pointless handicap! And of course there's the Moonlight Sonota thing which I don't care about classic music but i admit i like that song.
Chris has NOT had a good day lol and Wesker is as gay as ever. How do you think Barry's hunt for ketchup that isn't Hunt's is going? hehehe get it? Hunt for ketchup that's not Hunts? lol.
And Jill is a homicidal maniac for what she did to Forrest but I kinda like to make her more dark and twisted :P
With that in mind hope you enjoyed.
