A/N - thank you for all the interest and reviews for this story! I love you all!
This took a long time to finish but hopefully I've given a good explanation of how I think the kiss/telepathic moment came to be.
I shall get down to writing more!
The carriage back to 13 Paternoster Row was grave and agitated; Vastra was only just teetering on the right side of consciousness by the time they had hailed a carriage, and Jenny had to sit next to her and keep tapping her and engaging her in trivial conversation just to keep her awake. The human's hands were clammy with fear, and her body gripped with nervous apprehension that was holding all of her joints rigid. The dark, drab, interior of the cheap carriage was doing nothing to lighten the mood. A dark stain had by now seeped through the beige fabric of Vastra's traditional Silurian gown, and Jenny had taken off her waistcoat to try and block the wound. She was so panicked by the Silurian's condition she was unable to feel the cold anyway. Vastra looked an unspeakably pale shade of green, and groaned painfully every time the carriage went over an uneven cobblestone (which was frequently). Each time Vastra made that noise, Jenny felt as if she wanted to scream from pure worry, but she silenced herself forcibly. Glancing away from her lover for a moment, she frantically surveyed the frustratingly nondescript house silhouettes that flew by her window. It only reminded her of that blasted Gelth who had lured her and her mistress into that fated trap. Clenching a shaking hand into a fist she thumped on the side of the carriage.
"'Urry up will yeh?! She's dying in here!"
A low grunt emanated from the cab driver, and although Jenny suspected she was imagining it out of blind hope – the carriage did seem to lurch forward slightly.
Before she could be grateful for this however, she was forced to reach forward quickly to stop Vastra from collapsing into the gap between the seats.
"J-Jenny…" Vastra coughed and held tighter onto waistcoat over her bleeding side.
"Schh dear, schh" Jenny put her own hands over Vastra's and applied a safe amount of pressure onto the wound.
"What…" Vastra turned (with great difficulty) to the human, and gazed at her blearily through sorrowful, azure eyes, "What did you…want to tell me?"
Jenny froze, seemingly forgetting to breathe for a few beats. Despite the dire situation at hand, the remark had caught her by surprise. The maid's facial features ceased to move, paralysed by shock,
"You shouted at me…so loud…." Vastra's voice was now so quiet, Jenny had to strain to hear it over the clacking of the carriage wheels, "…gave me hope" Vastra shut her eyes and contorted her face into a wistful smile, as if she was resigned to something.
"No!" Jenny shook Vastra's side a bit harder than she intended, "Don't you bleedin' dare!" she roared, jolting the Silurian out of her stupor, "Anyway what the blazes are you harping on about? I didn't-"
"Here"
The carriage had ground to a halt. Jenny swung round expectantly and felt a welcome surge of adrenaline at the sight of 13 Paternoster Row.
"Thank the heavens!" Jenny breathed, "Look we'll sort this out later" she added in Vastra's general direction.
Jenny threw open the carriage door and fumbled to pay the driver (inadvertently giving him far too much, but too preoccupied to care). Once she had got herself out of the passenger area by jumping deftly onto the dank ground below her, she moved her attention to the task of getting the barely mobile Vastra inside so that she could tend to her wounds. There wasn't enough space in the small carriage to manoeuvre out together. The Silurian just about managed to stand and stumbled to the entrance to the carriage, but the distance to the floor was almost her undoing. Vastra tried to grip the side of the carriage with one hand and simultaneously hold Jenny's waistcoat to her side with the other, but it was futile. Jenny only just managed to dash forward in time to catch Vastra as she made a very sudden descent to the ground; only remaining upright by falling heavily on the human's petite, but solid shoulders.
"Let me help you" Jenny commanded, sensing the Silurian's reluctance to relent to aid. Vastra used her remaining energy to hiss at Jenny (who would have rolled her eyes at Vastra's stubborn defiance if it wasn't for the fact she was so overrun by worry) before nodding and surrendering to Jenny's grasp.
They awkwardly made their way up to and through the great, oak front door, Vastra stumbling and tripping every other step. The weight of the Silurian bore heavy on Jenny's shoulders, but was inconsequential compared to the clenching terror that ravaged her entire body. She had never seen Vastra quite this injured. It was such a hassle that they couldn't just summon a normal Doctor, as if it was Jenny that had been injured. Jenny dreaded to think how they may react to her mistress's green scales and crested hood. 'Not too gladly', she reckoned.
Adding to all this caper was Vastra's comments in the carriage. How could she have known that Jenny wanted to say something to her? Jenny had only thought those feelings, not spoken them. Perhaps it was a coincidence, and Vastra was just delusional, or maybe…was it too stupid to think that Vastra had read her mind?
Her head spinning with these loosely connected thoughts, Jenny somehow managed to get Vastra into the sitting room and laid down on the sofa (the same one which she had awoken on the night she was rescued). Jenny stoked the fire quickly so that the Silurian wouldn't die of the cold before she died of her injuries (both were threatening to her life).
With Vastra on her back, barely able to move, Jenny ran to fetch the supplies she would need: alcohol, dressings, and a needle and thread. When she finally returned (any time with Vastra out of her sight right now felt like too long) the Silurian was so still Jenny near enough passed out from the belief she had already died. But a ragged, shallow intake persisted, and once Jenny had calmed down, she set to work fixing up Vastra as best she could.
Peeling apart the layers of the front piece of Vastra's Silurian battle wear, Jenny breathed a sigh of relief when she was the wound was at least not as bad as she had expected it to be; the effect was likely being exasperated by Vastra going into shock. It was still a nasty laceration though, and if it had been any deeper Vastra could have suffered some serious internal injuries. Jenny forcibly pushed that scenario out of her consciousness - she couldn't afford to dream of such a nightmare. Vastra seemed to have lost a lot of blood though, and the way her scales parted to reveal the congealing blood made Jenny almost wretch. After dabbing down the wound with alcohol, Jennt carefully sewed up the areas of the cut where the blade had sliced the deepest. Finally, she wrapped a lose cloth around the reptilian woman's centre. Vastra barely stirred the entire time, only lightly flinching when Jenny inserted the needle or pulled too hard. Jenny couldn't decide if it was good that the Silurian was resting, or bad that she was so unresponsive. She had received a nasty hit to the head as well when she had been felled, so there was a good chance she was at least mildly concussed. To complete the first aid, Jenny loosely wrapped a bandage around Vastra's waist to cover the wound, working around the small gap between Vastra's slightly arched lower back and the sofa, and tying it firmly but not too sharply.
After Jenny had finished, Vastra had undisputedly fallen into a deep slumber. Jenny covered the woman with a blanket that lay under the sofa, and then perched on the nearest adjacent chair and watched intently in the flickering firelight. As the orange glow danced off Vastra's exposed scales, Jenny found herself ruminating and running over all the possible ways this could have ended if she had not been with Vastra. It was highly self-defeating, but also oddly compelling. She tentatively reached out a free hand and stroked the crests of Vastra's head.
"You can't leave Vastra" she whispered, "I need you to stay". She allowed her encroaching tears to escape and wind down her face in a sombre line; she was looking at the only real family she had left, and even that was endangered now. She wished…Jenny sighed tearfully, wishing would get her nowhere.
Jenny had no idea how long she sat there like that, only that when she awoke Vastra was still asleep, the fire was dying, and light was seeping in from the windows. Vastra's breathing did sound infinitely more healthy however, far more even and constant now than the night before. Jenny's eyes stung madly, her dreams had been peppered with images of Vastra being attacked, or dying or…seeing into her thoughts? Jenny snapped herself back to the present; she shouldn't be indulging in such fantasies while Vastra still needed her help. But nevertheless, the mystery of how she had known Jenny wanted to tell her something still hung persistently in her awareness. Jenny was just glad she hadn't thought about exactly what it was she wanted to say. Not yet anyway.
Jenny rose and reluctantly left Vastra's side to attend to the kitchen. She had no appetite, but forced some bread and butter on herself, which felt dry and unfriendly in her mouth as she chewed. She poured some raw pig's blood into a glass in the hope that Vastra may have awakened, and returned to the sitting room. A feeling of dull emptiness had stalked her since last night, but if she allowed herself to succumb to emotion, she knew she would only become hysterical and melancholy.
All thoughts of ignoring her emotions were abandoned when she notice that Vastra has indeed awakened, and was alert enough to turn her head towards the door as Jenny approached.
"Oh!" Jenny rushed forward to kneel before Vastra, placing the blood to the side, "Vastra you're awake!" Jenny reflexively placed a hand on the Silurian's forehead, before remembering how futile the gesture was to a cold-blooded being. She made up for this blunder by using the opportunity to lightly stroke Vastra's head in a soothing motion.
"Yes…" croaked Vastra, "So it would appear" she coughed. Jenny hastily retrieved the blood from the side and passed it to the Silurian, who drank from it gratefully, "…most thoughtful…" she murmured.
"Schh…" Jenny gripped at her companion's arm, "You don't 'ave to talk"
"I'm quite alright" Vastra breathed, sounding far more delicate than her usual decisive tone. Jenny raised her eyebrows disbelievingly; it was typical of Vastra to play down her own discomfort and pain. However, she felt giddy with pure relief at her apparent recovery.
"Well, you ain't doing anything for the rest of the day" Vastra pouted but Jenny persisted, "You'll pull your stitches out!"
Vastra glanced down to the bandage at her side and conceded through a sigh.
"Very well" Vastra took another healthy sip of the blood, "But Silurians are renowned for their immune systems and healing" Jenny couldn't help but pick up on the pride tinging her companion's words. Exasperated, she merely shook her head in knowing amusement. Vastra smiled, and then became very suddenly subdued.
"Jenny, I would have died last night if not for your numerous interventions"
Jenny blushed heavily, but knew it was true; alerting Vastra to the attack and then treating her in her wounded state had certainly both been life-saving actions. Proud as she was to have proven herself to Vastra, she resolutely refused to consider the alternative scenarios.
Vastra put the blood aside on a small, ornate table, and made to sit up, but hissed in pain and grappled at her side. Jenny could have sworn she vicariously felt the pain in her own chest, and lunged forward to support the lizard woman. The Silurian's body seemed limp compared to its usual lustre.
"It's…ok" Vastra growled through gritted teeth as the human supported her. She managed to right herself somewhat, but sheepishly regarded Jenny immediately afterwards.
"No more" the maid ordered sternly, pointing an accusing finger in Vastra's direction. Vastra simply chuckled cynically and grabbed Jenny's pointed hand to bring it down to her side.
"Jenny…" Vastra seemed to be deep in consideration for a moment, as if deciding if she really wanted to say what she was thinking. Having apparently decided, she continued, "What did you want to tell me?"
Jenny stared at the Silurian guiltily, an uncomfortable alertness enveloping her skin and prickling all her nerves. She had hoped Vastra had not been lucid enough to remember that.
"I…I didn't say that" she stuttered, to which the Silurian simply frowned.
"Don't be ridiculous Jenny; you practically screamed it at me!" Vastra moved her head closer, her confusion deepening, "Don't you remember?" she gripped the human's hand tightly.
Jenny seemed to have reached a personal impasse. She could lie about not thinking or saying those words at all, but she knew that this was completely futile – Vastra knew her well enough to see right through that. The next option was to lie again, and say that she had spoken it aloud after all and had been mistaken to claim she hadn't; she could always say she was confused by the battle with the Gelth and its slave. This, again, seemed almost pointless given she had just adamantly denied ever saying it; the reversal would be just as telling. The last passable option was to tell her half the truth – say she had thought the words, but only in her mind and not out loud, and then avoid telling her the subject matter and hope the strangeness of the situation would distract her from what she wanted to say. This was incredibly risky due to Vastra's aptitude at extracting information from people once she had an inkling there was something being hidden.
Jenny wasn't ready to tell Vastra exactly what she wanted to say to her quite yet, but in the absence of any alternative, she was going to have to forcibly confess that there was something she wanted to tell her.
"Thinking of how to phrase it, are we?"
Jenny was wrenched out of her indecisive state, and realised she had been silently staring at the sofa. Vastra's slightly dulled but still sharp and perceptive eyes cut through all thoughts of lying in one fell swipe, and bored a hole that seemed to mine all of Jenny's reserves of honesty.
"Vastra…" Jenny paused, not wanting to accuse her lover of anything untoward, but struggling to ask her what she needed to in a way that would not be misconstrued, "Can you…read minds?" she finished.
Vastra laughed briefly, and Jenny felt a rush of embarrassment, but the Silurian quickly stopped and squinted in confusion when she regarded Jenny's reaction and then human's serious look on her face.
"No" Jenny breathed a sigh of relief but Vastra continued, "To 'mind-read' as you humans put it, is a myth" Vastra coughed again, and took another long drink of the blood, "Take a seat" she directed.
Jenny stood, her joints creaking angrily at being stationary for so long, and sat on a chair opposite where Vastra was resting.
"In any given moment, there are a number of different ideas, thoughts, memories running through your mind and mingling in your working memory. Even if I was able to simply barge in unannounced, all I would hear would be a confusing mixture of co-existing scenarios" Vastra winced a little surreptitiously.
"Are you in pain?!" Jenny blurted out instinctively.
"It's nothing…" Vastra subtlety ran a hand over the bandage covering her wound (which Jenny noticed, but did not comment on). Satisfied with what she felt, she continued, "Telepathic connection is possible in some species, but both parties must allow the intrusion; think of it was two doors that must be simultaneously opened" Vastra mimed the movement with both her hands, reeling slightly in pain at the action. Jenny started forward, but Vastra raised a hand to still her, "The thought sent would have to be specific, singular – as in free from any distractions, and direct to the recipient. Both parties must have a strong mental constitution, and it helps if you have a good…relationship with each other" Vastra breathed heavily, the effort of explanation seemed to have exhausted her. Jenny was concerned that she was over-taxing Vastra, but she still hadn't got an answer which solved the vents of the previous evening.
"That's all well and good…" Jenny stated hesitantly, "But it ain't explaining how you heard what I was thinking yesterday"
Vastra snapped to attention, suddenly unfazed by her injury.
"What?!" she hissed, incredulously.
"Like I said…" Jenny stood and walked over to perch on the end of the sofa Vastra laid on, next to her scaly feet and limp legs, "I only thought what you heard, I didn't say it out loud" Jenny placed a reassuring hand on Vastra's top thigh – as much for herself as the other woman.
"You're…quite sure?!" Vastra questioned. Jenny only nodded in reply. The Silurian fell silent for a moment, and placed a hand to a chin as she contemplated the point. Her eyes already looked brighter with the promise of another mystery to solve, Jenny thought hopefully. They remained companionably still for a few moments, Jenny with her head bowed in shame at her admission, before Vastra broke the calm.
"I had not thought it possible…" Vastra shook her head in wonder, "Not that I don't believe you my dear" Vastra smiled tentatively, nudging Jenny gently on the shoulder. When Jenny didn't stir, Vastra continued, "It is just that ap-humans" Vastra caught herself, "Are not well-suited to such forms of communication"
"Then 'ow did it 'appen?!" Jenny stressed, tensing her whole body, her accent bleeding through more strongly as she allowed herself to get frustrated; her agitation was being easily fuelled by her worry that Vastra may be able to read all the feelings that Jenny had for her. Most of these feelings remained unspoken, and Jenny didn't want them discovered without her volition.
"That I can't tell you, at least not now" Vastra's expression was kind, "But I doubt it will happen involuntarily again unless we are placed under a similarly taxing situation. Which I hope-" Vastra started with a jolt of pain, "Will not be soon"
"It's like you are doing it now…." Jenny smiled mischievously, Vastra simply chuckled.
"No Jenny, I just know you well enough to guess what you are thinking. You are quite transparent sometimes my dear" Vastra shrugged, "Well to me anyway"
Jenny relaxed at her partner's reassurance.
"You must…" Vastra had to stop mid-sentence and catch her breath, "Trust me"
"I do" Jenny replied, surely, "I just don't understand what happened; I don't want my brain telling you things without me even 'aving a say!" Jenny shook her head disbelievingly, "It don't seem fair"
"It's ok…" Vastra grimaced, "Give me time to rest and think it over, I will get you an answer…" Vastra leaned forward with some difficulty and squeezed Jenny's biceps, "I promise" she finished.
"You're worn out" Jenny gasped, her own preoccupation for answers having temporarily blinded her to Vastra's obvious struggling, "Go back to sleep" Jenny got up from where Vastra was sitting and drew the cover back over the Silurain, "That's an order" she added, glaring meaningfully at Vastra.
Vastra simply nodded, and promptly drifted into a deep slumber.
Jenny had intended to busy herself with cleaning, and now allow herself to spend every other minute checking on Vastra, who was peacefully settled on the sofa. She made a mental plan of house tasks she could set herself to, starting with readying their bed so that Vastra would be comfortable when she was able to manage the stairs. That had been the intention, anyway. However, as Jenny entered their bedroom, she felt herself overcome with the urge to lie down; just for a few moments at least. The feeling of the bed on her aching limbs was divine after an evening of half-sleeping in a sitting position, and as Jenny closed her eyes, all thoughts of housework were lost.
Jenny awoke with a start several hours later – the bright light of morning that had been streaming through the window had now morphed into a warm, darkening evening glow; she had slept the whole afternoon away, and night time was threatening to enter unannounced. Jenny's stomach pinched with hunger, but was quickly superseded with full-body sickness from anxiety; Vastra had been alone all day.
Swearing blindly and very tempted to drive a fist through the wall, Jenny hurtled out of the room and down the stairs, nearly toppling over at the bottom. Bursting through the sitting room door in a blind frenzy, she finally halted to catch her breath.
Vastra was not there.
Jenny gritted her teeth.
"Oh for the love of-" a smell caught her olfactory attention before she could curse quite as badly as she intended. It was an acrid smell emanating from the direction of the laboratory Vastra was in the process of building.
"Surely she wouldn't have…" But Jenny knew the answer before she had managed to give life to the rhetorical question: of course she would have. She knew Vastra should not have been trusted to look after herself, especially not in her damaged state. The Silurian was reckless and irresponsible with her own health even in ideal situations. Jenny scolded herself for letting down her guard, knowing that she should have stayed and kept watchin the sitting room all morning.
"Goodness knows what she has got up to" she sighed, worried that she might find Vastra in a heap somewhere in the house, bleeding again or incapacitated with pain. Wearily, she made her way back into the hallway and towards the laboratory, although she suspected that the lizard woman was probably long since removed from its confines.
A cursory glance around the laboratory quickly confirmed that Vastra was no longer in there – although the smell still hung tellingly in the air: a strange mixture of acid, burning flesh, and an almost static feel. There was no light into the windowless room, and no candles or lamps burning presently. Jenny could just make out all the dark outlines of Vastra's quickly accumulating worktops and equipment from the strands of light leaking through from the lamps and windows feeding into the hallway. Not wanting to trespass into the creepy room unaccompanied, Jenny refused to linger longer among the unpleasant smell, and instead made to Vastra's favourite room in the house – the conservatory. She knew that Vastra would not have made it up the stairs in her state without considerable effort (probably waking Jenny up in the process) and she sincerely doubted that she had left the house also (or perhaps that was just wishful thinking). Regardless, this usually was the most logical room to find Vastra, no matter the circumstances.
Thankfully, Vastra's habits were reassuringly predictable, even in her injured state. Jenny breathed a deep, genuine sigh of relief as she found the woman sat in a wicker chair amongst the exotic flowers and plants, reading from the Silurian Tome they had recovered during a recent investigation. It had been procured by an eccentric collector of strange and unexplained artifacts, whose murder they had been investigating. The deed ultimately had been down to a feud over a stolen inheritance, and the gentleman had unfortunately been caught in the crosshairs (due to the fact he was the lover of the woman who had allegedly taken it). Vastra had reasoned that the unfortunate man had no more use for the book, and "Shouldn't have had it anyway" and so had done the righteous thing in "Taking it back" for the Silurian race. Since then, Jenny had counted at least four full reads cover to cover from Vastra; she had practically devoured each ancient page of the book. Vastra looked so calm and peaceful as she read, and the enthusiastic smile that met Jenny as the young woman entered the conservatory almost managed to quell the rage threatening to explode in her fretting breast.
But not quite.
"What…." Jenny became temporarily speechless, which was not a frequent happening, "What the bleedin' hell are you doing up?!" Jenny cried shrilly, "I was so worried! You shouldn't be moving today! I-"
"Really dear, I'm fine" Vastra interrupted, but her voice still tellingly strained as if she was encapsulating a great deal of pain, "I awoke with this fantastic notion, and I knew I had to test it…" Vastra cleared her throat and shifted to the side slightly, to which Jenny raised a sceptical eyebrow, "I'm much improved, really" she emphasised, "I simply could not rest while an issue that caused you so much distress remained unsolved"
Jenny was torn between whether or not to slap the woman over the crests or to take her into her arms and march her back to bed. Stunned silence was all she could deliver.
"I have been experimenting on a pig's brain…" Vastra explained excitedly, feigning ignorance to Jenny's gobsmacked look, "I believe their physiology bears certain similarities to that of a human's, plus it was relatively easy to gain access to such supplies…"
Jenny didn't want to know how Vastra had managed to procure a pig's brain, giving the older woman's current injured state. Her jaw felt as if it wanted to dislocate and roll out of the room, so great was her shock.
"I have also read some passages in this historical tome which have very nearly provided provisional support for my hypothesis" Vastra continued, somewhat nervously eyeing Jenny's sullen face out of the corner of her eye. Vastra seemed so proud of herself; if Jenny didn't have evidence to the contrary, she would have never noticed that Vastra was injured. Despite her internal frustration at Vastra's blatent disregard for her own safety, Jenny was struck with a spark of curiosity. Warily, but with great interest, she took the wicker seat opposite Vastra and sat facing the Silurian attentively. She experienced a tingling of her nerve endings when Vastra's wide, intelligent, cerulean eyes caught her own. Vastra smiled in a relieved way, seemingly pleased that she had been excused of her poor behaviour for now.
"It is documented that such telepathic connections can occur with non-Silurian sentient species" Vastra began, "My experiment with the fresh mammal brain found that although the brain was theoretically capable of receiving such signals, it quickly caught aflame at just being introduced to them" Jenny once again felt a nervous tension, and really wished Vastra would either be more careful (not likely), or at least not tell her about these things, "Unfortunately as the brain is dead, the experiment cannot show if it could have recognised and allowed me access if the signals hadn't caused it to catch alight. Suffice to say, it would take a mammal brain of the highest constitution to successfully form a connection with a Silurian; our brain waves are incredibly strenuous for your own physiology. That thankfully means that one part of the mystery is explained; you, my dear, are most remarkable" Vastra smiled warmly, "There is no question your brain is of the best stock humanity can offer"
Jenny's whole body lit up with a furious heat, adrenaline sliding into every pore at Vastra's strong praise.
"As for the unintentional nature of the incident, there are two concepts that can offer partial explanations – such accidental connections are documented between Silurian pairs" Vastra brandished the book triumphantly, tapping decisively on the sturdy front cover, "The first condition is that the bond between the two subjects must be…" Vastra flicked through the book until she found the page she was looking for, "Unusually strong" she quoted, lingering meaningfully on the words, "Such examples would be siblings from the same brood – especially twins, lifelong friends or battle partners, or…lovers – of the greatest feeling. The partners must both implicitly trust each other, and subconsciously consent to the intrusion, even if they don't consciously mark it" Vastra paused to regard Jenny, who simply listened in fascination, "But in most of those cases, the pair would have long since formed a voluntary telepathic connection; I can only think the pair would have to have failed to recognise the strength of their bond prior to connecting accidentally…" Vastra spoke mostly to herself, musing over the possibilities, "Anyway, now is not the time to prise apart the scientific arguments. The second condition…" Vastra again flicked to another page in the book, "…is that the message must be of the greatest importance, quite worth 'dying for'" Vastra leaned towards Jenny, her whole body angled forward.
Jenny was expecting Vastra to ask her to elaborate and explain what message could be so crucial that she accidentally sent the need to express it telepathically. She was only just managing to comprehend all the implications of Vastra's explanation; there was a lot to filter through. Vastra kept respectfully away from the subject of Jenny's confession, however, and continued to speak.
"Jenny" Vastra watched the human intently, "There may be a trace of the connection left from last night" Jenny could sense Vastra's anticipation, her intellectual curiosity, "Would you like to try to initiate it again?"
Jenny found herself at a metaphorical crossroads, her thoughts dashing back and forth between two possible outcomes. Saying no would protect her against any possible rejection, albeit only temporarily. But it would also prevent any new discovery; if they managed to initiate such a connection voluntarily it could open up a number of greatly beneficial possibilities. Also, the idea of being able to link with Vastra's mind was….strangely erotic; and there was also the implication from Vastra herself that the Silurian had to trust and care for Jenny a great deal for it to have happened in the first place. Jenny felt her palms sweat nervously at such a thought. Saying yes on the other hand, would likely mean telling Vastra the truth, as that was the thought that had initially created the link.
Jenny took a long look at her beautiful Silurian lover, her emerald scale and defined jaw, the razor sharp intellect in those deep blue eyes…
"Ok!" Jenny blurted impulsively.
"Excellent" Vastra smiled. She reached out and took Jenny's hands into her own, "Calm yourself my dear, your pulse beats so rapidly" Jenny found it very hard to be calm in such close proximity to Vastra, but centred her mind and began to exert tight control over her breathing. She gently closed her eyes, "I want you to think of what it was you wanted to tell me, but in its most simplest form" Vastra cleared her throat, "Your heart rate is rising again my dear"
Jenny's whole body had decided to mutiny against her, and seemed determined to filibuster the entire attempt to confess to Vastra. 'Don't say it' her lungs screamed as they began to heave, 'She'll reject you' her legs taunted as they shook and jittered against the floor, 'Fool!' her stomach growled as it began to churn.
'You'll regret it!'
'Who could want you?'
'She'll laugh in your face!'
Jenny fought away each insult, blocking out their deafening cries to concentrate on one, singular thought. She felt a strange warmth, an almost tingling sensation in her temples; it was relatively pleasant. Jenny out every last vestige of her resolve to transmitting the message, ignoring the pestering voices to the contrary as they dug their nails into every sensory receptor in her body and dragged, the resulting screech sounding only one word:
'Stop!'
Vastra drew a sudden breath and the connection was cut off suddenly. Vastra had jumped back slightly, but still remained in contact with Jenny's furiously trembling hands. Jenny opened her eyes to see the Silurian's shocked face staring disbelievingly back at her. Jenny turned her face away, ashamed and sure that (if the connection had worked) Vastra would find her revelation unwelcome. Vastra quickly brought Jenny's chin back around to face her with a careful, sensitive palm.
The sound of doubt was now resounding in Jenny's ears in the form of the heavy pumping of blood.
Vastra's surprise did not completely wash over, but mingled with something else as she cut through the oppressive tension with her deft tongue.
"I love you too, Jenny"
Glorious silence fell in Jenny's mind.
The Droid Ship - London
After years of meditation, mental exercise, and patient practice, Jenny had come to a point where she could exert control over the telepathic connection between her own mind and her (now) wife's. They very rarely used the ability, as Vastra insisted it should only be used in emergencies (as frequent use could be potentially damaging for Jenny).
But the situation Jenny found herself in right now was certainly an emergency.
As Jenny felt her breath failing in the underground droid ship, she suddenly felt Vastra's mind seeking her own expectantly. Jenny needed to say goodbye to her wife, and tell her the same message she had first used to communicate with her telepathically all those years back in the conservatory. She felt a heavy load as the connection between Vastra and herself settled, but before she could form a coherent sentence, sheer panic had overrun her thoughts, sending a single, terrifying plea through the connection.
"I can't do it…I can't"
Jenny had meant to say so much more than that, as she was sure she was close to relenting to the desperate urge to drink in oxygen and ultimately perish at the hands of the droids. She wanted to apologise for the trivial argument they had resolved just before leaving; how foolish it all seemed now! To have spent some of their last moments quarrelling over something so petty was a possibility so crushing that her already compromised ability to breathe was complicated even further. But overriding all these concerns was the one prime directive from her primal mind, and as Vastra has told her when she first explained the phenomenon – telepathic connection is at its most effective with simple ideas.
'I don't want to die'
They had already had many happy years together, exciting adventures, experiences most wouldn't get one of in a lifetime, loyal friends from different times and different worlds, and holding it all together – their family. Already, Jenny knew her relatively short life had been an enviable one; from the more obvious wonders down to the fact she had married a woman (and a most wonderful one at that). When Jenny had been cast out by her family, she had thought dying alone was the worst fate that could befall her, but preparing now to lose her life once more, she knew it was far worse now she had so much to forsake.
Then there was the matter of Vastra – if the lizard woman survived this encounter and Jenny did not…it would be like Trenzalore repeated. Jenny couldn't choose between the two options of Vastra surviving Jenny's death or dying alongside her – both were horrifying propositions; either Vastra physically died or lived on as a psychologically dead husk. Although Jenny would not be there to witness it, the knowledge that the woman she knew and loved would be lost forever was completely debilitating. As impossible as it sounded, it was as if part of each other had been fused with the opposite partner, and without both of them alive, there was no complete whole.
A sudden blanket of calm suffocated the fire of Jenny's mind, and as the smoke cleared, all she could feel was Vastra's reassuring presence, enveloping her senses, as if she was everywhere, and all that existed was the two women and a ubiquitous peace. Once Jenny's mind had stilled, Vastra sent over a single thought.
"Be brave my love, I can store oxygen in my lungs…"
Before Jenny could even register how such a strange biological mechanism would function, she registered that Vastra had bent down below the eye lines of the droids and was shuffling over to Jenny with urgency. Jenny's very being was pulsing with an aggressive fear. Jenny instinctively lowered herself to greet Vastra, but then caught herself just before they came together. She didn't want Vastra to risk her life or put herself in danger for her sake! Jenny wanted Vastra to be safe more than she wanted herself to be saved. If Vastra shared her supply of oxygen with Jenny (and Jenny was sure that Vastra would probably give her far more than strictly necessary), she would drop her own chances of survival to increase the human's. It was a bold act of devotion that she wasn't offering to anyone else in the room; just as Vastra had said to them just before they had come here:
"There are things I would do for you that I would not do for anyone"
This certainly proved that sentiment beyond all doubt, and was far too much to ask of her, Jenny was sure.
"Share with me" Vastra told Jenny, finishing the sentence with reassurance and love.
As Vastra reached out for Jenny and their bodies slid closer, Jenny shook her head as surreptitiously as she could afford under the circumstances; trying to ward off Vastra's noble act in favour of risking her own demise. Vastra needed that air; it was impossible to know how long they would have to wait like this before the Doctor could save them. But Vastra's kind eyes did not show a slither of apprehension or remorse as she leaned in towards Jenny and gently placed her lips over hers.
Under any other circumstance, Jenny would have simply called the gesture a "kiss". But, given the context, it was undeniably so much more than that. Jenny's lungs relaxed with a wondrous relief as Vastra shared her oxygen with her; the only thing separating them from life and death. Short of giving Jenny her own blood (which she couldn't do, rather than wouldn't), Vastra could not have managed a more intimate, vital gesture. Jenny had never felt such a strong, pure bond of unconditional love. Given everything that had befallen her, and the way she had been treated in the past by those who 'loved' her, it was the closest thing to a miracle she had ever experienced.
Every sensory perception was heightened just the right side of over-stimulating. Vastra's presence was everywhere – the taste of her mouth, the smell of her cat suit, the tactile sliding sensation as she worked the air from herself into Jenny. If Jenny had had the opportunity to capture the exact experience and re-live it at her whim, she would have done so. The next time she doubted any part of Vastra's commitment to her, even briefly, she made a mental note to remind herself of this precise second.
Because in that moment, there was nothing else present; just the two women, and a bond forged across two eras of their World's history that never should have clashed – and it was utterly unbreakable.
