9. Apologies

"I'm sorry," Alice said "I didn't know."

"It's okay…. I didn't tell anyone. Well, Edward, but just to clear up any misunderstandings… not all misunderstandings apparently." I replied.

We were sitting on the same tree bow I had once consoled Alice on. It was strange how some things repeated themselves throughout life. Little differences separating them, but oddly similar. Alice would look at me now and again, a question or comforting word behind her lips, but never moving passed them. She was determining what would be best to ask, what would be best to say.

"Did you love him?" she asked quietly.

Now I was hard pressed to formulate a worthy answer. There were so many possible ways of wording it, and yet so few. At the time, I would have said it had been too soon to know such a thing. I hadn't known him well enough for that. There were things from my old life that seemed to fall through the cracks as time progressed in this life. I could feel them slide from my memory and dissolve, slipping into the ether. But other things remained. Some broken or vague, some only feelings or senses. Some images or sounds. Brief snippets of time, from not so long ago. There were those that burned brightly. Images and sounds that clung to relevance. Feelings and scents that imbedded themselves in me. My mother's face, the way my father always smelled of sweet sweat and chewing tobacco.

In that life, I had been so serious in regards to love, it wasn't something to be taken lightly. It was something rare, and to be respected. It wasn't infatuations or promiscuous encounters. It was solid and deep, a bond that existed on the soul level. A flexible weld that twisted and turned to accommodate. To endure all. Love was trust.

It all mulled around inside me, those things that remained. One by one, every truth I had known presented itself, laying before me as evidence.

"Yes." I said, my voice low, but clear. "I always will."

Again, Alice's words were met with hesitance, unsure if she should voice her thoughts.

"Emma….If you wished… I could watch out for him." She said quietly, eyeing me with uncertainty. "I could follow his decisions…I could tell you how he's doing."

My brain simply fell blank. As if it too were speechless. I had heard her clearly, and understood her meaning. But I could not actively think about it. Could I be able to accept her offer? Did I want such knowledge? My brain felt as though it were cased in molasses. What would it mean for me if I accepted? If I declined? I replied to her with the only thing I could honestly say.

"I don't know." I didn't. If I said yes, If she were to look for him, if I were to know, what would that mean for me? I wasn't sure if that were the best thing. A part of me screamed inside, astonished that I would hesitate to accept her offer, that I had never approached her with the idea. But another countered with it's solemn silence. If I did say yes, if I did know, I would never stop. I would hang on every path he took. Following vicariously, watching as he went thorough life. Even when that path eventually lead him to someone beautiful. A lovely woman just as kind and deserving of happiness as he was. I would be happy knowing his joy, no matter the amount of pain or jealousy it would cause me.

But the day would come when Alice wouldn't be able to follow him, when I could no longer be invisibly at his side. The time would come only too soon when he would take a path I would not be allowed to follow down. And what then? Was it better to immerse myself in his life, hidden in the shadows of Alice's visions? Was it better to know rather than not? All at once, I wanted to say yes to her, and I wanted to say no. I wanted to know every passing thought, every decision, every smile, every laugh, every nightmare, every loss and every victory. But I wondered if it was what was best for all involved. If it was best that I refused. It was true, with more certainty than anything, that he would be in every waking thought for the rest of my existence. But our fates were separated, and whatever paths he traveled, mine would never intertwine. Perhaps it should remain that way entirely. Perhaps I should not know, and in whatever way possible, move on. To release him from me, and in leaving him to live out his own existence, allow myself to live mine.

I honestly didn't know. She would, without question, if asked her to. She would tell me all she could, about Marc. About my parents. About brothers that had surely moved on from where I had known them, all moving forward in the world. To them, I was gone. I had disappeared somewhere along the way. Perhaps they thought I watched over them from Heaven. And maybe, in a way they would be right. I wondered then, if they still spoke to me. Talking to the open air, hoping I would be listening and replying in a way they could not hear.

"But thank you, Alice." I said, my voice had become more gruff.

"Of course." she replied sweetly, a tinge of sadness forming around the words as she spoke them.

In the back of my mind, beyond the haze and mire that confounded and held me, I knew she would anyway.

Rosalie and Emmett did not return immediately. But when they did, there was again the unspoken understanding between us all. There were no explanations or words that needed be spoken. Rosalie kept her distance from me, but it seemed it was more for her own sake than mine. I did not feel that she avoided me out of spite or hatred. I felt no animosity or bitterness, but still, she held herself away. Some time passed and I made a point to be present in every moment. I involved myself in my family's lives, partaking in their enjoyments and likes; not allowing myself to shrink away from them and become secluded. A recluse hidden away in my own mind.

Nessie grew. We celebrated her fifth birthday, though she could easily have passed for twelve. Esme baked a cake that looked like would have been delicious. It certainly was impressive. For appearances sake, but mostly for my niece, I managed a small piece. It was all I could do, not because it smelled confusingly revolting despite how lovely it appeared, but because it was devoured almost entirely between Jake, Seth and Charlie. Emmett also managed a piece and Edward swallowed a bit of icing he had removed from his daughter's piece with his finger. Appearances. But as with mine, I guessed that they had withstood the cake out of love of Renesmee, out of celebrating her miraculous existence rather than the mere fact Charlie was present.

After ten minutes of the yellow cake and butter cream icing sitting uncomfortably along the bottom of my stomach however, I excused myself politely. It was slightly disturbing, but oddly amusing as I leaned over behind a large hemlock and choked it up. It was disgusting, as to be expected. But quite differently from moments such as this in my human life, it did not come out all at once with liquid to conveniently usher out the unwanted substances. Now it came out dry as it was when I had consumed it. Parts of it caught along the way and I had to cough and hack to dislodge them and spit them out. When I returned to the house, Emmett shot a smug look of superiority at me, whispering that he could "handle his." Several minutes later however, he too disappeared to find a tree of his own.

We watched as Renesmee opened her presents. The absurdity and lavishness of several of them lost on those that had purchased them. As Nessie held up a small dark leather strap, a shiny, sleek looking key dangled from it.

Bet that didn't say ages three and up on the box. I thought with a pointed look at Edward. He simply shrugged, a bemused smile playing on the corners of his lips. He wanted to teach her how to drive. So naturally, he would buy her her very own vehicle. When I was around her age, well, the age she appeared, I had learned to drive in my grandfather's old pick up on the dusty old roads of his ranch.

Charlie's eye brows quirked, but before he could formulate a question in his own mind, Alice had presented Nessie with another box. The afternoon continued this way, and dragged on into the late evening. Seth excused himself around five, telling Charlie that he would see him at dinner. Renesmee was with Alice and Rose, modeling the many dresses they had acquired for her while Jacob and Edward discussed the Audi model he had chosen for her.

When night came, Edward and Bella took Renesmee to their cottage to put her to bed. We gave her hugs, bidding her goodnight, and a happy birthday once more. When I bent down to hold her, she smiled and brought her hand to my face. At her touch, my body stiffened and I gasped. It wasn't something I had gotten used to.

A flutter of colors and wordless thoughts flickered softly behind my eyes. She thought of the present I had gotten her and a silent smile. She thanked me. Her small hand slowly dropped from my cheek and my vision returned to see her light brown eyes and happy smile.

"Goodnight, Auntie Emma." she said.

"Goodnight, Ness." I smiled.

They left out the back door, Renesemee playing with the ring that hung from a delicate chain around her neck. It was the only thing of mine I could give her. Her hands were too small to wear it now, but I felt it necessary to pass down something, an heirloom be handed down through generations.

"It was my mother's." I had told her. "She had given it to me, and now I'm giving it to you."

Long after they had gone, I went for a walk alone through the forest. The sky was clear tonight and the stars shone and winked amongst the moon light. I looked up at them as I went, watching them glow so far above the tops of the pines. When I came to the meadow, I laid in the tall grass and watched until they disappeared, slowly fading into the oncoming morning light. There were soft footsteps that followed my path through the forest and came to rest at the edge of the grass.

"Emma?" Rosalie called.

I sat up to see her. She stood at the edge of the meadow, staring at her hands as she slowly rotated the wedding band around her third finger.

"I am sorry," she said, her eyes downcast, "for the way I've behaved."

She didn't look up as I came to my feet. She stayed where she was, turning over her ring as her eyebrows knitted together and her lips pursed. I wasn't sure what to say.

"That's alright." I said quietly.

"No, it isn't." she said suddenly, her eyes flashing to mine. "I acted foolishly, and for that I apologize." she said with a nod.

She looked away from me, her eyes tightening as she again focused on her ring.

"Thank you." I breathed.

The silence hung uncomfortably between us and seemed to last too long. The sun had began to touch the ridgeline of the mountains to the east, silhouetting them against a brightening blue.

"Did that ring really belong to your mother?" she asked.

"Yes." I replied, confused as to why she would think I had lied.

Rosalie gave a small nod. "Why did you give it to her?" her voice was strained and harsh.

"Because I don't have a daughter of my own to give it to." I said, my voice tightening. I could feel a familiar wave begin to ebb inside me.

Her eyes met mine then, they were wide and deep as they stared back, completely open and unabashed. She took in a small breath and nodded again.

"This Marcus guy, he was something special to you?" she asked.

This time I nodded. The sudden mention of his name and oddly personal quasi-conversation I found myself having made it difficult to form very many words.

Rosalie's eyes dropped from mine, returning to the ground in front of her.

"I can sympathize." she whispered. "I know what it's like, wanting something you can't have."

She looked passed me to rising morning sun and closed her hands delicately around her ring.

"Emma, I will never have children with Emmett. I could never provide him with a son or daughter to carry on his name." There was a bitterness in her eyes that gave way to grief. " But I at least have him, and I am grateful for that."

Her eyes came to mine again. The sun broke over the horizon, casting her in brilliant light that reflected and shimmered off her face and hands.

"I am truly sorry for your situation." she continued. "And I'm sorry if I've hurt you."

And I knew that she meant it. I could see the effort it took for Rosalie to come here, to openly admit her mistake and attempt to convey her understanding. So I nodded again. There was nothing I could say to her then.

"She'll be up soon." Rosalie said. And I knew whom she was speaking of. "And I suppose, I could tolerate it if she had two favorite aunts…."

A small laugh escaped me, to which she looked up. "Three." I said.

A small smile touched her face. "She a daughter to us all, you know. In every possible way."

"I know." I said quietly.

It was with that that I came to understand Rosalie a little better. The way she adored our Nessie, how she doted on her and watched cautiously as Emmett played with her. The motherly look in her eye whenever she spoke of her. How long had she lived with this? In the several decades of her existence, Rosalie had also ached for the children she would never have. Around us, the birds were stirring and the sun climbed higher into the brightening clear sky, casting the tall grass and deep colors of the wild flowers in fresh light.

"She's going to need someone maintain the upkeep on that car of hers." I said. "And as good a mechanic as Jacob is…."

She smiled at that, knowing it was an area she was far more superior in than me, and that Renesmee would always need her there.

"Come on." I said with a tilt of my head in the direction of the cottage.

We walked silently through the forest, the light that shone through the trees falling on our skin and illuminating the shade below. We walked toward the one thing we would probably every find common ground on, and in that found a small, unspoken bond. As we came closer, we could hear movement in the small home. Renesmee turned over in her sleep, softly exhaling a deep breath and Rosalie and I smiled.

A/N: Yes, Rosalie is selfish, always making everything about her. But her heart is in the right place. Reviews are welcome J