A/N Sorry the updates have been so all over the place guys. My computer was on the fritz but it is working okay now, so hopefully my updates will be more frequent and more on schedule. Anyways; Enjoy!

Alex's POV

I know the drugs are bad, but I can't stop. I know I should get help, but to tell the truth, I am terrified it will ruin my career. I only take them when I am not on call, I haven't driven high, I am only a danger to myself, so maybe it isn't that bad. The reason I freaked out on Meredith is I know that I shouldn't, I want to stop and her yelling at me to stop doesn't help me very much. I want things with Meredith to go back to the way they were, but I don't know how to fix things. Maybe they will never be better. I can hope things will get better, but both of us have to want that, and I don't know if Meredith will ever want that.

Meredith's POV

I get home and go to bed thankful that I have tomorrow off. The next morning I phone Christina. She picks up on the fourth ring.

"Wassup?" She asks.

"I spoke to Alex last night."

"And?"

"Well, the final result was me running out of his apartment terrified for my life."

"Maybe you should just forget about Alex, I mean after all he did kill your husband," Christina says.

"But, after you left, he became my person. I mean, he never crawled into mine and Derek's bed, but I crawled into his many times. We kind clung together after you left because we were the only ones left." I say. Suddenly my phone beeps, someone is calling me, I check the number. It's Alex.

"Do you have to go?" Christina asks.

"I don't know it is Alex," I say.

"He is going to do one of two things. He is going to apologize or he is going to tell you to get out of his life forever." Christina says.

"I'm going to answer," I say as my phone beeps again. I hang up with Christina and answer Alex.

I sob as I phone Christina. She picks up immediately.

"You- You were, you were right!" I choke back a sob.

"Oh, Meredith, what happened?"

"He- He said, not to talk to me, unless, it was. Unless it was work related. He doesn't want to talk to me ever again unless he has to!" I barely get out. I sob, still laying in bed, my pillow collecting all my tears and soaking them in.

"I'm sorry."

"I just want-I want things to go, back, to the the way, they were," I say as a new wave of tears come. I wipe my tears away. "I wish we could just, I don't even know. I wish things were like before."

"I know, but he has made it clear, he doesn't want you in his life. Why bother being sad over someone who doesn't want you. You still have tons of friends. You have me, and Amelia, and Maggie."

"But I need my person."

"Am I not still your person?"

"Christina, you will always be my person. But I need a person in the same place as me." I say.

"Maybe you should come to Switzerland. I could get you a good job, I have lots of connections here already and you and I could live together."

"I don't know I mean, what about the house? What about the kids? What about my current job?" I say.

"You could sell your house or keep it, or give it to Amelia or someone. I am sure the kids would love to see auntie Christina, and the hospital has enough general surgeons. I could get you a Head of General Surgery position." She says.

"I would have to think about it," I say as I hear beeping in the background. "What is that beeping?" I ask.

"Oh, Shit! I completely forgot I have a roast in the oven, it is probably all burnt now. I guess I will have to order food. Damn, that roast was expensive, and it was big too. It would've lasted like a week. I was excited to eat that roast."

"I'm sorry about your roast."

"It's not your fault, I should've paid closer attention." She says. I then hear her put the phone down and pull her roast out. "Well it is still edible, but it is completely dry. Oh man, it was so juicy I took it out of the package and oh, it was dripping blood, my kitchen looked like a murder scene." She says. I picture that in my head, I vomit at the thought. "Mer, are you ok?"

"I'm fine just, uh. don't talk about your roast." I say, taking a sip of water from the glass beside my bed. "I have to go clean up this mess, then deal with Bailey."

"Which one?"

"Which one lives in my house and cries when HE is hungry."

"Well, it could've been either one, maybe you had to clean up your puke then call Bailey and say you can't go into work today."

"I'll call you later," I say and hang up. I clean up my puke, well trying not to puke again, and then go to comfort my son who is now crying in his crib.

"Hey, baby. How is my little boy?" I ask smiling. I pick him up and take him to his change table. I change his diaper and then take him to the kitchen for a bottle. I place him in his high chair and grab a bottle from the fridge I place it in the microwave to heat it up. Bailey starts crying, having seen his bottle but not having gotten it yet. He screams and cries.

"It's ok, you will have it soon," I say. "You'll get your bottle soon. It is coming soon." I say to him. He continues to cry. "You'll have it back soon. Your bottle is coming. Ya, Mr. Bottle is on his way. He is so excited to see you, yeah, your bottle wants you just like you want him." I say in the voice that is used to talk to babies, the super over peppy way too happy voice. "He wants you," I say and start crying again, but I still grab Bailey's bottle and hand it to him. I leave him with his bottle, then wipe my tears as I go to wake up Zola.

"Wake up Zola," I say to her as I enter her room and crouch down beside her bed. She wakes up and yawns. We are silent for a minute, it is clear she wants to say something but doesn't know what.

"Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" She asks.

"Zola honey, we have been over this. Daddy isn't coming home. He had to go join his daddy, and Uncle George, and Grandma, and Step-Grandma, and Auntie Lexie, and Uncle Mark, in the sky." I say.

"Who are those people?" Zola asks.

"Well, daddy's dad is one of your grandpas, and Uncle George," I smile at his name. "He was in the same intern group as me and Auntie Christina and he was one of the bravest men I knew, and Grandma was my mom, and Step Grandma was Auntie Lexie's mom, and you remember Auntie Lexie, and Uncle Mark, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"They are all up in the sky."

"Why don't they come back down to the ground?"

"Zola, sweetie, they are up there for a reason, and they can't leave, but one day, a long long time from now we will join them up there. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now do you want, super yummy, oh-so-delicious oatmeal, or do you want boring, no fun, icky waffles for breakfast?"

"Mommy!"

"What?"

"Waffles are yummy, oatmeal is gross!" She says.

"So you want oatmeal?"

"WAFFLES!" She shouts happily, and we both start laughing. Zola jumps up and runs for the kitchen, Derek then comes in the doorway,

"What is going on in here?" He asks, as I stand up, my legs sore from having been crouched down so long talking to Zola.

"Zola thinks that oatmeal is gross," I say walking towards him. He is already dressed and ready to head to work, he has his dress shirt and dress pants on, but is carrying his suit jacket and his briefcase.

"It IS gross." He says.

"It is not," I say with a smile on my face, and then kiss him before he can fight my statement.

"I love you." He would say. But he is gone. I stand up, wishing my fantasy was real. I take Zola's hand and we walk back to the kitchen together. If only Derek was still alive, I would have him and Alex, and everything would be like it should be.

Alex's POV

Meredith clearly doesn't want to be in my life, all she does anymore is yell at me. I just need this to be over. I call her. She takes a while but answers.

"Are you high?"

"No."

"I had to ask because you must be out of your mind to be calling me."

"No, I called to say that, this needs to stop. This can't continue. It is affecting work and other stuff so please, this needs to end, please." I say I need this fighting to stop.

"So what it is just over?" She asks.

"If you can agree. We can stop everything right now. This can't affect our work anymore, so, please, let's end this." I say. I hear her take a breath of air that sounds something like a sigh crossed with a gasp. She hangs up.

So, she won't end this with me, she just wants to keep fighting, I'm not doing this. I can't keep this up. I have no one. I head over to my pills grab a bottle and down them. Maybe if I take enough my pain will end.