AFFIRMATION Part IV
By
AllyinthekeyofX
ALL THINGS Post ep 2
NOTES – This follows on from the previous All Things chapter because Mulders voice needed to be heard and this deals with the morning after the night before. Thanks as always to those of you who take the time to review. I cherish reviews. Even more than I'd cherish waking up next to Mulder...and if you believe that you'll believe anything!
Ally x
Even before I open my eyes I know she isn't here anymore, that I am alone; rumpled sheets wrapped partway around me, my leg half in, half out of the crisp white cotton, tangled up in a bed that even as I hover in that peculiar state between asleep and awake, intoxicates me with the heady scent of her; of us. A delicious mixture of perfume, sweat and sex that evokes such a powerful response within me that I literally feel my heartbeat quicken in my chest as butterflies dance in my stomach at the memory of her. That finally, we threw off our inhibitions, our fears and our lingering insecurities and became one; acknowledging and accepting all that we are to each other. And for a few hours we revelled in our depth of feeling, of our strength and our intimacy as we explored each other with a hunger that I think surprised even me.
The sex was great just as I knew it would be. I mean, it was always going to be great given just how completely we are attuned to each other, not to mention the amount of times on countless dark nights, drowning in fantasies I had practised with her in my imagination; but it was more than that, so much more than a mere physical joining of two people who love each other – because I do love her, I love her with every fibre of my being and with every breath I take – because what I felt last night transcended any other feeling I have ever experienced. And I think given that at one time or another I've experienced just about every extreme of emotion life can throw at me, to find that there were depths that hitherto had lain dormant and unknown within me was pretty incredible in itself. Unchartered territory that she somehow unlocked just by her touch, her reactions and the way her eyes fastened unwaveringly with mine and seemed to look right in to my heart. And she has changed me. She has changed me in ways I can yet, barely comprehend, much less make sense of.
But she isn't here; the space she inhabited just a few short hours is cold and empty aside from the lingering scent of her and despite all we shared, how we opened up so fully to each other, the fact that I have woken up once more alone leaves me feeling bereft and incomplete. And if I'm honest, I also feel crushing disappointment that she has felt the need to run; to retreat back to her own world. The ordered world of Dana Scully where everything must be precisely categorized and packed neatly in to a small square box in her mind, to be analysed carefully at a later date before she can make her decisions and justifications; to rationalise each and every cause and effect before deciding how to proceed. And stupidly I guess, because after all I know this woman almost as well as she knows herself, I had still hoped that somehow, for once in her life, she would allow herself to just be; to just accept this as being right and fuck everything else.
But I suppose if she did that she would be fooling herself; pretending to be someone she isn't and after all, I fell in love with that version of her. To expect her to change now would be to ask her to lie to herself, to lie to me and I have no right to expect that level of duplicity from her.
The knowledge though, doesn't make it any easier to bear and even now as I lie here, the delicious memories of her body against mine as we joined skin to skin, are being pushed to one side by my nagging insecurities that are always hovering just below the surface; ready to gnaw at me, to whisper and torment me with my own twisted version of the truth; that she has already decided that she made a mistake, that we are a mistake. And I truly have no idea how I will react if she pushes me away now, if she retreats behind the fortress she inhabits and one which is impossible to breach without her express permission.
I rub my hand across my eyes, attempting to bring myself to full wakefulness because regardless, today is a working day and we have a job to do; that whatever happens, our professional partnership must remain intact even if everything else crumbles around us and I swing my legs over the side of the bed, suppressing a groan as my back muscles suddenly scream at me, reminding me of the unfamiliar workout I subjected them to last night and I wonder briefly if Scully is feeling in any better shape than I am. My shoulders feel stiff, achy and sore although I guess a hot shower will help loosen up the knots and chase away the lingering reminder that despite the fact I would love to persuade myself otherwise, I'm not getting any younger and five years of enforced celibacy, aside from a regular right handed workout, isn't exactly an effective prelude to the positions I willingly adopted last night as with heady, rapturous enthusiasm I discovered everything I'd only ever dared imagine about that enigmatic partner of mine.
The memory actually evokes such a feeling of euphoria within me that despite, everything, I can't suppress the sudden grin that covers my face, releasing at least in part, some of the tension I have felt since awakening in my empty bed. And I'm still smiling as, after snatching up a pair of discarded sweats and pulling them over my bare legs, I pad bare footed in to the living room with the intention of diverting to the kitchen to find some coffee to pour down my parched throat. Caffeine makes everything better; or so I would have myself believe.
But as I cross the threshold, I see movement out of the corner of my eye, a flash of titian hair and pale skin as she sits up and regards me from her position, fully dressed on the sofa, the same blanket I covered her with last night sliding slowly to the floor as she stands up and regards me from across the room; her hair is mussed, her eyes are tired, dark shadows marring her perfect skin that right now, is devoid of even a scrap of make-up allowing her freckles to make a rare appearance. And I suddenly realise that those freckles now belong to me and that if I want to I can fall asleep counting them every night for the rest of my life. Because she is here; she is still here.
And even though I didn't think it were possible, my grin gets even wider, threatening to split my face in two as I stand there stupidly, just looking at her.
"Hey." Her voice is soft and she returns my smile with one of her own. Not the full wattage Scully grin that lights up her face and has the ability to knock me flat on my ass, but a new one in her repertoire and one I've never seen before. It is sweet and easy and reflects in her eyes; it's a 'morning after' smile and one that renders me almost giddy with the knowledge that it is for me and me alone.
"I thought you'd left" I admit, slightly surprised when she laughs.
"Mulder I was freezing"
And guiltily I remember how I woke up with the tangled sheets wrapped around me. I guess it will take more practise to share them with anyone after my years of solitary slumber.
"Ah...um...sorry...you should have woke me up..."
"You're jet lagged Mulder, you needed sleep."
Jet lagged.
My face reddens slightly because I'd actually forgotten. Time to come clean I guess.
"I didn't go Scully."
"What?"
"I didn't go to England."
Her mouth drops open as she shakes her head.
"But you said..."
"I know what I said but..."
I take a few steps toward her and catch her hand in both of mine, lifting it to my lips briefly in a gesture of apology, an unspoken entreaty to please not be mad.
"...I wanted to chase crop circles with you Scully. And without you it just didn't seem worth the flight."
I'm heartened to find that she remains where she is, because I'm honestly not quite sure how she will react to the knowledge I lied to her; a harmless lie sure, but a lie nonetheless.
"But, you were wearing a Stonehenge cap..."
"Driscolls embroidery shop on 5th street Scully. Ten bucks will buy you a design of your choice, lovingly sewn in an array of dazzling colours. I considered getting us his and hers matching H.R.H. underwear but didn't think you'd go for it."
And to my astonishment Scully begins to laugh; really laugh and it's a sound I don't think I have heard literally for years; it transports me back to a time when we stood together as icy rain poured down on us, freezing us to the bone as we began to see in each other a partnership that against all the odds, might actually be permitted to flourish. So many years ago, so many paths trodden to bring us right here, right back here where we stand together and laugh at nothing in particular, bridging the years in one fell swoop and I know suddenly that all the pain, all the heartache and all the struggle has been worth it.
Because it has brought us against all the odds to this one moment and allowed us to finally find our laughter again.
End
