There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Spock climbed off Kirk and began to dress himself once more; watching the human in his peripheral vision as he tried to move and found his body could not, clearly in a lot of pain. Kirk grimaced, propping himself up on his elbows and staring silently at Spock, his face a mixture of curiosity, betrayal and the last traces of sleepy contentment. He did not look broken, nor did he seem to be angry with Spock anymore.
Spock did not look at him further, turning on his heel and leaving the room in what he hoped was a calm manner.
He did not feel calm.
He returned to his own quarters, tense and irritated- mostly with himself, if he was honest. The implications of his actions began to work their way through his mind, and his blood turned to ice in his veins.
He had raped his Captain- regardless of Kirk's evident arousal, he had not waited for consent nor permission before taking him for his own purposes. If Kirk reported him- his career, his life would be shattered, taken from him in humiliation. Why had he allowed his … his emotions- to take control of him like that? Why had it become such a necessity to break Kirk at all? Surely he was being more than irrational in his efforts to do so?
Surely though, Kirk could not report him without also explaining how he was aroused and willing.
It is illogical, he fretted as he climbed into his bed, the sheets cold despite the comfortable temperature in the room. He emotionally compromises me beyond my comprehension. I have a multitude of conflicting feelings towards him and I cannot begin to search through them to find a semblance of cohesion because they are blurred; tangled into a knot I cannot untie. I do not understand him- I wish to, desperately. I also wish to hurt him, but I do not know why- and I feel guilt, shame, embarrassment for doing so! My Vulcan upbringing could not prepare me for a human such as this one.
He is fascinating. I want him- in so many ways that I cannot understand which is correct.
He slept badly that night, unable to calm himself even with meditation.
It was a few days before they argued again; Spock had decided that keeping his distance from Kirk was a good course of action and had therefore ceased his efforts to undermine him at all opportunities. He settled instead for staring at the Captain from his station; his gut churning with the conflicting emotions he could not express. Kirk barely even looked at him unless it was to ask for an opinion or a reading. Spock could not decide if this was good- or if it was dreadful.
Eventually, the lack of friction between them became friction in itself; Kirk beginning to frown slightly when he glanced to his right and Spock was not there, and Spock almost physically itching all over to get back into the Captain's personal space, to trade barbed comments and thinly veiled threats. It was like the air between them had become charged with static, and every other crew member felt it when they crossed its path- a sharp glance up, a shrug and a frown before they moved on. Spock almost felt it crackle when they locked eyes- a completely illogical statement, he knew, but the correct one nonetheless.
He could no longer take the suspense- or the lack of contact- when Kirk was being more than usually stubborn, refusing to make an unscheduled stop to pick up some supplies when their schedule left a perfectly reasonable amount of time to do so. Before he even really knew he was doing it, Spock had left his station and was stood at Kirk's side silently, waiting for acknowledgement. The air sucked back into the room suddenly- everything back into sharp focus after days of what felt like blurred edges. He could almost feel the heartbeat of the human, steady and strong in his chest; could feel the waves of warmth emanating from his body.
"Spock-" Kirk said suddenly, glancing at him with what looked like quickly hidden surprise. "I assume you have an opinion?"
"I do, Captain," Spock replied, with a hint of self-righteous smugness. He found that he wasn't even attempting to break Kirk, just irritate him a little. "I believe you are making an error of judgement."
"I believe you are a pain in my ass," Kirk grinned, a touch of warmth and humour in his eyes.
"Indeed? I do not see how any pain or injury to your posterior could be attributed to me- today."
Kirk's eyes widened fractionally as he realised what Spock was referring to, and Spock was intrigued to see him shift his stance to hide what looked to be a growing erection in his uniform pants.
"I was speaking metaphorically, of course," the human said after a short pause.
"Indeed."
"So you think I should make the supply drop?"
"That would be the logical course of action, Captain, yes. However I am fully aware of your rather large blind spot in relation to such matters."
Kirk shrugged. "Starfleet said no, I'm just following orders."
"For once."
"Thanks. Look- it's not happening."
"I believe you are making an error of judgement-"
"Since when do you think it's an error to follow orders, Spock? Did I miss the memo?"
"I do not recall circulating a memo, Captain, however I am bound by my duty to point out your errors in command, and-"
"Well, I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, Spock- it's always the same, you just can't help yourself-"
"Captain, I do not think this is an appropriate response-"
"I think it is, Spock. If you have anything further to say on the matter, you may come to my quarters after shift. Until then, report to your station."
"..Yes, Captain."
Spock returned to his console, puzzled and a little troubled. Kirk was clearly still harbouring uncomfortable feelings towards him after the…incident. He had not seemed angry at first- perhaps he mistakenly thought Spock's good-humoured intentions were malicious as they had been previously.
Spock resolved to try and rectify the matter later on that evening.
