Chapter 4:
The Things We Keep Hidden
Anwen's POV
To my surprise, my summer had flown by, and again, it was September 1 and I was on the platform to get onto the Hogwarts Express. Lily and her Mum and had come into London the day before and we had gone shopping at Diagon Alley for school. I had changed my Muggle pounds into Galleons, and felt wonderful knowing that I had my own money. We bought all of our supplies and then stopped for something to eat. We ran into several friends from school, and it was great to see everyone after having the summer away. We stayed at the Leaky Cauldron that night, and were up talking about school and boys all sorts of things until well after midnight. We got to the train station at 10:30, and got ourselves onto the platform and our things onto the train with plenty of time to spare. We made sure to leave some things in our compartment, to mark it as ours, and then we wanted to get out to the platform again. Lily had been writing James all summer, and they had seen each other a few times, and she was looking forward to greeting him. I just smiled at her. These two would either fall madly in love, or they'll kill each other. I still wasn't sure which one it would be.
We stepped back off the train, and started talking with other students that we met. Everyone asked about my summer, and my standard reply was that it was 'nice'. I didn't want everyone to know that I had spent my summer at another school. Eva and Lily had been in touch all summer, so she knew where I had been and what I was doing, or at least as much of it as Lily knew. She had no idea what my old school was really about. When we met on the platform she certainly had some strong words about the whole thing.
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to be in London all summer?" she chastised me. "We could have done things together. You could have come and spent weekends at my house and been able to get in touch with everyone else."
"I had to do this stuff for my old school," I explained. "I really didn't have much free time."
"Well, don't let it happen again. You are always welcome at my house, probably the same with any of us. Anwen, we're your friends. Friends help each other out," she explained and I smiled at her. I really was very lucky.
Lily scanned the crowd, looking for James, but before she found him, I found Sirius. His black hair was falling down to his collar, brushed just so. He still spends too much time in front of a mirror. Our eyes met, and he got the most wonderfully wicked smile across his face. I smiled back, and found myself moving forward. It was like it was in slow motion, there were people in my way, and steam pouring from the engine, but all I could see was his beautiful gray eyes. When we finally got to each other, I simply stood there and look at him. It was like he could see into my heart, he could see how lonely I had been, how hard my summer had been with all the girls who had nothing cordial to say. He could see how hard I had worked, trying to fill my days with things so that I wouldn't cry. Now, he could see how completely happy I was to be with him again. He just picked me up, lifted me in the air and held me. I felt safe and complete and cared for. I could hear James yelling at him to come and get his things, but nothing mattered, he just stood there holding me, looking into my eyes. I was home, finally.
Sirius POV
She has grown, not a lot, she still weighs nothing, but she is taller, she looks different, too. Her hair is all up, she looks grown up. But her eyes, those soft green eyes, like Willow Trees in spring, they seem so sad. How bad was her summer? I turned around, still carrying her, and put her down on my trunk on the trolley. She looked at me shaking her head, rolling her eyes, but she didn't complain. I pushed her with my things to the train, and got all of it onto the train. She lead me to the compartment that she, Lily and Eva had put their things into, and I stowed my things away. James and Lily were already sitting together, heads pressed against one another, in some deep conversation. Anwen sat sideways in the bench, looking at me. She moved her head towards James and Lily.
"That's interesting. Has it been going on all summer?"
"Sort of. They would be like this, and then they would be ready to hex each other. At some point I just stopped trying to keep up," I said rolling my eyes. It had been quite entertaining watching James attempt to navigate his way around Lily. "I usually just hung back, and enjoyed the entertainment. Remus would come and spend time with us, and it was hard not to laugh," I smiled at the thought of it.
"Great. Something to look forward to this school year," Anwen said.
Anwen POV
The train pulled out of the station, and we all kept up the polite conversation. They wanted to know about my summer studies, and all that I would say is that I had learned a lot, but that I was glad to be back. Sirius bought me some chocolate frogs, apologizing that they didn't have any caramel in them, but I reminded him that chocolate was chocolate. Darkness was beginning to fall, and we decided that it was time to get on our robes. Most of my school things were still at school, but I did have one bag with my Muggle clothes and personal items in it, and I had stuffed in the one new set of robes I bought while shopping with Lily. They were about half way down the bag, so I needed to unpack some things to get them out. I was haphazardly throwing things on the seat, when I saw that Sirius had picked something up.
"What are these? Are they shoes? They look like torture devices," Sirius had picked up my pink toe ballet slippers, holding them by the ribbons, at eye level.
"Yes, they're ballet shoes," I said quietly, feeling somewhat embarrassed that he'd seen them in the shape they were in.
"They look painful!" with that, he squeezed the toe blocking. "What do you do with them?"
"I dance in them. They're so that I can stand on my toes," I said sharply, grabbing them back, and stuffing them in the bag. I didn't think anyone else had seen, and I really didn't want them to.
"Why are they so hard?" he pressed the issue. He wasn't trying to make me feel bad, but he was.
"Honestly, those are fairly soft. I used them all summer," I was mortified by how old and broken they were, and I kept thinking about how the other girls would tease me at dance class. I was hoping he would drop it, but then Lily spoke up.
"Anwen, I didn't know that you did ballet. Why didn't you tell me?" she was zipping up her robe. "I would have loved to have seen you dance this summer," she added, and everyone was looking at me. I wanted to sink under the bench.
"Um, well, it's just that..." I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, but I really didn't want everyone to know what exactly my summer classes were all about. Thankfully, at that moment, the compartment door opened up and in came a boy that I didn't know. I quickly put my robes on.
As the boy entered, Sirius came to stand in front of me, and forced me back down into the seat closest to the window, farthest from the door. Remus and Peter had both stood as well. I looked at the new boy, he was slight with very dark hair that hung in dirty strands down his face. He wore the robes of Slytherin house. Maybe this was another friend of Sirius' brother, or a relative that Sirius wanted me to have no part of. Then, I looked across the way and saw that James was trying to get between Lily and the boy. Lily looked beyond annoyed, but Eva was holding her down in her seat.
"Severus, what do you want?" Lily questioned, irritated. She got up as she spoke, but Eva kept a hand on her lower arm.
"I couldn't find you this morning, to help you with your things. Petunia said that you had already left," the boy replied.
"Yes, Mum and I spent the day in London yesterday doing my shopping and then stayed with a friend," Lily told him with a coldness to her voice.
His eyes scanned the room and come to rest on me. I didn't like how his eyes made me feel. I reached up and took Sirius' hand. Sirius leered at him, and a low sound escaped from my friend. Had he just growled? Finally, the boy looked away.
"Lily, can I talk with you alone?" he said, emphasizing the last word.
"No," she said quickly.
"Lily, please," he said, grabbing Lily by her forearm, grasping the sleeve of her robe.
"She said no, Snivelus. Now just leave," James had spoken before Lily could. He rather gruffly removed the boys hand from Lily's arm.
"This doesn't concern you Potter," he spat out the last word.
"It does when you make her uncomfortable," James had stepped in front of Lily, and now he and the new boy were face to face. James was taller and better built. I wouldn't have pushed it if I were the odd boy. Suddenly, the train braked, and we all shifted. Sirius sat down, almost in my lap, but hastily got to his feet again. Lily had fallen forward, and was now being held up by James. He held her tightly, and they were looking deeply into each other's eyes.
Severus, the odd boy, had fallen into an empty seat and was looking at the entwined pair, his face fallen. Sirius and Remus took him by the arms and escorted him out the cabin and closed the door behind him. Then all eyes were on James and Lily. They were still transfixed by one another. Slowly, James put a finger under Lily's chin and lifted her face and kissed her. Eva and I exchanged a smile, Peter looked at the floor while Remus was politely looking away. Sirius started whistling and yelled out "about bloody time!" I gave him a scolding look, but he just laughed louder. Lily blushed and looked down at the away from us.. James kept his arms around her. Lily caught my eye through her eyelashes, and gave me the 'we have to talk later' look. I looked at Eva, who nodded and then I returned to Lily and gave her an understanding smile. I was glad to be back home with my friends.
We had enjoyed the feast, and we girls had talked about her and James at great length. Even with everything that had happened, she still wasn't ready to be his girlfriend, but she was willing to give him a chance. Once everyone was asleep, I snook back downstairs, and was greeted by my favorite face. The fire was going well, he had even brought me some hot chocolate. We were snuggled up on our favorite couch, with our favorite quilt.
"So, we a day before classes. What do you want to do first?" he asked me
"Fly!" there was no doubt in my mind. "I've been thinking about it since I left here last term. I want to try out for the house team. Can you help me get ready?"
"You're a shoo in, but of course I will help you. James will help too. It will be great to have you on the team. Wonder if they make jerseys small enough for you," he asked and I swatted him with my hand. He was rubbing the spot, like I had somehow hurt him. Like I could hurt him, he's got all those muscles under there.
"Do you think Remus will miss 'his broom'?" I asked.
"No. I think he'll survive. If he wants to fly, he can use James or mine or even a school one, but he really doesn't like to fly," I already knew that, but Sirius didn't know I knew. "Do you want to go to the lake?"
"Sometime, but right now, I am so sick of singing, I would be happy if I never did it again. I want to forget this summer, forget music, forget dance. I just want to do magic and hang out with my friends. We'll go sometime, but give me a few weeks, okay?" I know I was whining, I was just sick of the whole 'voice' thing. I was ready to be a girl again, not an opera prodigy.
"Sure," he whispered, his hand brushing away the hair from my face. "Was your summer really that bad?"
"No. I wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good either. The Walker's, the family that I boarded with, they were very kind and I really liked Clara, their daughter who went to school with me. She's a year older, and it helped, since I was in the senior program for the first year. We had ballet and French together, so that was fortunate. We both worked on a piece sung in French, and it helped a lot to have someone to work with. I'm sorry, but I have to take these off, they are killing my feet," and with that, I reached down and began to take my slippers off. My feet had been very sore and wearing shoes at all was painful. As my slippers dropped to the floor, I heard Sirius gasp.
Sirius POV
"Anwen, what happened to your feet?" I said, in shock at what her poor toes looked like. The skin was rubbed raw in places, and she had blisters and callouses all over her toes. They looked they were bleeding too.
"Um, yeah, well remember how I said that I had worn the same shoes all summer. This is what happens when you wear toe shoes too long. Your feet take quite a beating, now that I won't be dancing every day, it will get better," she sounded embarrassed.
"Why didn't you get new shoes if you knew that this would happen?" I couldn't believe that she would have done this to herself on purpose.
"I couldn't afford them," she whispered her voice breaking. I questioned her with my eyes and she looked away and started talking again. "I didn't have the money Sirius. My whole summer stipend went to the Walkers. It was fine, they were very kind and treated me well. However, I didn't have any money until a few weeks ago. See, I got a job, but it took a while to get paid, and by the time I did, term was almost over. I didn't bother with new shoes for a few weeks, so I toughed it out with my old ones," she still wouldn't look at me.
"Anwen, there are spells that would have fixed this," I told her. I wish I knew some of them, so I could fix her, right now.
"I couldn't do magic, and there was no one around to ask. I saw Lily the other day, but she can't do magic outside of school, plus she didn't know about, well, everything. But we're back, and I will talk with her tomorrow morning," she finally looked at me. The pain on her face was awful to look at.
"No. I am taking you to Madame Pomfrey right now," I stood up, intending to pick her up and carry her to the hospital wing right now.
"No, you are not. It's the middle of the night, and it's nothing worth waking someone up over. Anyway, I don't want to explain why I have all these blisters and bruises. Please, Lily can fix it in the morning, now that she knows that I dance," she was begging me with her eyes. I sat back down.
"I feel so bad for you," I hated that she was in pain.
"Don't," she said sharply. "I do not want your pity. This won't happen again. I got a job this summer, and I have gotten paid and I have money now," she said proudly. Did she just say she got a job? Who works when they're twelve?
"What kind of job did you get at twelve?" I asked her, confused.
"I was hired for a musical in the West End. I was great, I got to sing and dance and because we are children, we only had to do five shows a week. Mr. Walker helped me set up my own bank account, and made sure that my checks were deposited correctly. It's my account, well Professor Dumbledore had to cosign on it as my legal guardian, however, it is my money. I even changed most of it into Galleons, so that I could buy my school things. Lily and I just happened to run into Professor Dumbledore while we were on Diagon Alley, so he took me to the bank to change some of my money," she said the last part with a bit of sarcasm in her voice. Sounds like she didn't think that Dumbledore was there by accident. "Sirius, I've never had much, so not having new shoes wasn't such a big deal. It's good to know if I need new ones in the future, I will be able to take care of myself," she said very resolutely. I had never really thought about some of what she has to go through.
"Anwen, you continue to amaze me. If Lily can't fix up your feet, Remus will be able to. He is really good at taking care of cuts and scratches and things. Are you sure that you're not in too much pain?" I was worried about her.
"I'm sure. I feel better than I have in a long time," she paused, "because I'm here with you," with that she snuggled in closer, laid her little head on my shoulder, and began to doze. I wanted to tell her that I was better too, because I was here with her, but she was asleep before I could. The last thought I had as I fell asleep, was of Anwen, and how she made even rotten things seem like they were a privilege.
I hadn't realized just how hard fifth year was going to be, until I got here. The teachers were really piling it on, and all that anyone could talk about was the whole O.W.L. tests that we would have to take at the end of the year. It had only been five weeks and I was already bored with the whole thing. The only time any of us relaxed was when we would go out and practice on the Quidditch Pitch. James was confident that he would again be a Chaser, he really was better at it than anyone else at school, but he still had to try out again this year. I felt fairly confident that I could again be on the team as a Beater. Plus, since my brother was a chaser for Slytherin, I was happy at a chance to throw things at him without any real threat of consequence. Neither of us needed much practice, but we were there almost every day. The practice was for Anwen.
She still flew like a bird. Small and fast, she was able to fly circles around both of us, and when she had the mind, I wasn't sure if there was anything that she couldn't out fly. The problem was her confidence. The minute she thought that someone else was watching her, she would get nervous and falter. She almost fell off her broom again. Fortunately, I was able to fly up and stop her, without her knowing that I knew she almost fell off. Time was helping, but as the day of the try outs approached, James and I were both unsure whether she would fly as well as she could, or if her nerves would get the best of her.
On the day of the tryouts the three of us walked to the pitch Anwen flanked by James and I, each holding our own brooms, we were keeping the conversation light. Anwen appeared to be green. We sat down in the stands, and Margaret O'Lannon came out to stand in front of everyone who had come to try out. Maggie, was tall for a girl, with a huge amount of red hair on her head. She spoke in a thick borough. She had played Chaser for the last five years, since she was a second year. She would be a good captain. We had only lost one player from last year, Breda MacTowig who also played Chaser. Everyone would have to try out again, but we were sure most of last years team would be together again this year. That would be a good thing as we had won the Quidditch cup.
"It's good to see so many new folks here to try out this year. Everyone will get a chance to fly, so be patient. The first set that I want to see out here are those who would like to be Seeker."
Laura, our Seeker from last year, along withfive others went out. After only a few minutes, it was obvious that Laura would have her spot back. It's not that the others were bad, it was just that she was that good. Next up were the Keepers. Ian Anderson, the Keeper for the last two years, again got the spot. It didn't hurt that he was the size of a house. I swear he is part giant that guy. I'm not sure how his broom kept him in the air. Next, Maggie called for the Beater try outs. I got up, and went out to the pitch, James sat next to Anwen. When it was all over, I was sure that I would again make the team. I flew fairly well, and I was certainly faster than anyone else. Maybe all of that extra practice was good for me too. Finally, Maggie called for the Chasers to come forward. Anwen rose, along with James, looking like she was walking to her own death. James pulled on the pony tail that she had hanging down her back, and she smiled and shook her head at him. We passed on the stairs, and I grabbed her hand and looked her right in the eyes, "You can do this, I believe in you," she smiled back at me, and kept walking forward.
She flew well, really well. She was the fastest on the run around the pitch and she had managed to score four out of the five times she tried. Maggie dismissed all but three, Anwen and two boys that were in the third year. I bet that she was debating who would make the team. Then she called me and Rob Stevenson out to the pitch. We were both Beaters last year, Maggie appeared to want us to practice with the finalists, see if they were up to having the bludgers flying at them. We rose up, and I smiled at Anwen. We started off slow, and as everyone got more comfortable, we started playing a little harder. After a few minutes, Anwen had the quaffle and was making a break for the goals. She was flying right at me. I hit the bludger wide, missing her by a few feet. She looked at me with a confused look as she flew past, scoring easily.
Again, a few minutes later, we found ourselves in the same situation. Again, I couldn't bring myself to hit the stupid thing at her. She was so small, I could hurt her. Again, it went wide. This time she flew past, with her eyes blazing. She scored again, but when the quaffle flew, she turned and flew over to me, stopping right in front of me.
"What in the world do you think that you are doing?" she spoke in a quiet, deliberate voice. It would have been easier if she had just yelled at me.
"Um, I'm playing Quidditch," trying to be all cool and collected.
"No! You aren't. Do you not want me to make the team? She isn't going to trust me if she can't see me dodge anything. You don't have to protect me Sirius! Hit the damn thing like you mean it, or you are going to have a bigger problem than you can imagine. Don't make me have to tell you again!" with that she flew away. Fine, if she wanted to play rough, so would I. I was so angry at her right now. She yelled at me in front of everyone. Of course, she's right, but that was beside the point.
The rest of the tryouts, I was merciless. I was older, I was stronger. I wasn't going to go easy on her anymore. She flew even better once I was really trying. She only got hit once, but it didn't deter her and she went on to score. After a few minutes Maggie called us all down, and let us know that she would post the list by the weekend. I was sure that Winnie would make the team.
As we broke, I started walking toward the stands, where James was getting up. Then, I was on the ground. Anwen had tackled me to the ground and was sitting on my back.
"That was sooooo awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you for getting me ready!" then she messed up my hair, I told her not to touch the hair. With that I started to stand up, which made her slide down to the ground. I turned around, picked her up and held her in my arms.
"I thought you were angry at me?" I questioned her.
"I was, but then you got angry, and kept trying to knock me off, and it made me work even harder. Maggie seemed really impressed," she had that silly impish grin again. She had totally played me.
"You know, you are completely annoying right now? However, you did fly well. Come on, lets go back, and get some supper," I put her down, and picked up my broom, as well as hers. I was leaning down, to let her climb on my back, when I heard Maggie.
"Anwen, can you come here for a moment?" Maggie said
"Um, sure. I'll be right back," Anwen said, and trotted off to talk with Maggie. I wonder what that is all about.
Anwen POV:
"Maggie, is everything all right? Did I do something wrong?" I asked.
"Oh no darling, I just wanted to tell you that I was really impressed with the way you flew today. You are quite good, and I think you will be happy when the list comes out. You should really think about becoming a Seeker, you fly well enough. Of course, that broom doesn't hurt. Where did you get a custom build like that?" Maggie asked me.
"Um, it was a gift. I really don't know anything about it," I told her.
"Well, whoever bought that for you, must really care about you, because that it is one expensive broom. I couldn't ever afford something like that. That grip alone is worth more than my whole broom," she said. Really?
"Yeah, I think that they do," I looked over at James and Sirius, and a pang of guilt hit me. How much had they spent on my broom?
"Yeah, well, I also wanted to ask you. What's going on with you and Sirius Black? You said something while you were flying, and then I saw how you tackled him on the ground. Is there something that I should know? Will it effect the team?" she asked me. Crap, I hope that I hadn't just screwed things up.
"Oh, no, nothing like that!" I said, emphasizing the nothing, and adding a horrified face for good measure. "We are just friends. He's like my best friend, but that's it," I added.
"Oh, okay," a big smile crept across Maggie's face. I know that look.
"Do you like him?"
"Well, he is cute. Is he dating anyone?" Dating, um dating is an odd term with Sirius. He really didn't take girls anywhere, except for that darned broom closet on the fourth floor. I wonder if James and Remus have found out about this one?
"Not that I know of, and I am fairly sure that I would know," I smiled back at her. "Go, talk with him, we were headed to the Great Hall to eat, why don't you join us?"
"Um, okay," she smiled back at me.
"Hey James, can you come here for a second, I need your help with something. Sirius, give him my broom. You can walk up to the dining hall with Maggie. We'll be right there," I yelled to the two of them. Sirius handed James my broom, and James started walking over. "You can thank me later. Go on," I told Maggie, giving her a little shove. Maggie started off towards Sirius, as James approached me.
"What did you need?" James asked me, looking puzzled.
"Nothing really. Maggie has a crush on Sirius, and I figured that I would give them a moment alone. We can hang back here for a moment, and then we'll head in. I know that Remus and Peter are waiting for you," I told him. They had wished us all luck before the tryouts.
"Are you okay with Maggie and Sirius getting together?" James asked, puzzled.
"Sure. I think she would be good for him, a complete handful herself, she might tame him a little," I said with a laugh.
"I thought that the two of you..."
"Sirius and I. Oh, no way," I said shaking my head. " I mean, I like him, a lot, but he is just my friend. Our relationship is like brother and sister, nothing more. I would be lost without him, but I don't want to be his girlfriend," I continued, and then a thought went through my head. "James, I'm only twelve, gross," I said making a face.
"Okay, okay. I get the picture. Sorry I asked. Can we go now?" he asked apologetically.
"Sure. I do have a question for you? How much did you spend on my broom? I get the feeling it cost quite a bit," I asked as we started walking.
"Um, yeah, well that is something that you need to talk to Sirius about. He picked it out, and paid for most of it. I think you need to hear it from him, not from me. Okay?" he told me. I didn't like the answer, and it caused me to sigh.
"Sure. Thanks again," it really is an awesome broom.
"After seeing you fly today, it was money well spent. You are going to be hard to catch," he said, giving me a little swat on the shoulders.
James and I walked talking about Quidditch the rest of the way. When we reached the Great Hall, we found our friends. Sirius was sitting between Remus and Maggie. Lily was on the opposite side of the table next to Peter with a spot open for James. There was an empty spot next to Remus, and I sat down.
"Do you want me to shift over, so you can sit next to Sirius?" Remus asked me.
"Nope. I am quite happy right here. He seems to have his hands full at the moment, and you and I have barely spoken since we got back," I replied.
He smiled back at me and we fell into an easy conversation about school. When supper was over, Maggie and Sirius got up from the table together. He pulled on my ponytail and gave me a smile as they left the Great Hall together. We would have a lot to talk about on Friday night.
We met on Friday, but Sirius had to cut it short, he was meeting Maggie. He's never missed a Friday, ever, except when I was away. Now, he was missing one so he could go and see a girl. I nodded at him, and turned to leave. I didn't want him to see me upset.
"Anwen, meet me tomorrow, we'll have our fun then, I promise. Just us, okay?" he said to my back. I nodded at him and went up to my room, where I cried into my pillow.
It was a little past midnight on Saturday when I went back downstairs. I brought one of my Shakespeare books with me. I had really enjoyed my class, and there were so many plays that I didn't have to read, but I wanted to take the time now. Tonight I had The Tempest with me. I added a log to the fire, settled down on the couch and threw the blanket over my lap and decided to wait for Sirius. The full moon was glowing brightly and I loved the way the light bathed the common room in a sort of soft blue. I waited, and waited, and waited.
At about three in the morning, I crept up to the stairs into the boys dormitory. Did Sirius fall asleep, and forget to come down? Was I really ready to wake him up? As I crept into their room, I was unsure of what I was going to see. To my shock, I found the room completely empty. Sirius was out with the boys, when he told me that we would meet tonight. I went back down the stairs, and returned to my couch.
What were they doing? Why didn't he tell me? I didn't want to, but I found myself crying... I'm sure that it must be important for all of them to be out, but he hadn't said anything. First, he dumps me for his girlfriend, and now his room mates. Maybe we aren't best friends. Maybe hanging around with a stupid second year isn't really what he wants to do. He's a fifth year, and he's almost sixteen, why would he want to hang out with me? I don't know when it happened, but at some point I fell asleep. I heard something behind me, and I roused myself from my slumber. Bright light was streaming in through the windows, and I wiped the sleep from my eyes. Someone had come through the portrait. I opened my eyes, and turned around to see who it was. There stood Sirius and Peter, looking like they had dragged themselves through the mud and leaves in the forest. Sirius froze when he saw me.
"Were you down here all night?" he asked me.
"Yes, you told me to meet you last night," I answered. He had forgotten. He'd forgotten me. My eyes starting filling with tears again, but I bit the inside of my cheek hard to make it stop. He wasn't going to see me cry. I wouldn't let him know how much he had hurt me.
"Anwen. Oh, God, I forgot it when I told you to meet me. There was something that we HAD to do," he said, coming closer. Peter snook past him and headed upstairs.
"What?" I asked. More than a one word question would have betrayed me, and I was sure that I would have started crying.
"I...I can't tell you. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that it isn't my secret to tell. Please believe me, if it were anything else, I would be telling you right now, but it is really important that no one else knows," he tried to explain, he looked sorry, but I wasn't sure anymore.
I couldn't look at him. He didn't even care enough to tell me where he had been. I'd had it. I threw the blanket off, and took off for the stairs. Sirius tried to grab my hand, but I shook him off. The tears started falling down my face before I was to the first floor, and I could hear him calling after me, but he wouldn't follow because he couldn't. There was some sort of spell that kept the boys out. I was thankful for it. I had cried in front of Sirius one too many times, I had no intention of doing it again. Ever. I flung myself into my bed and buried my head in my pillow and cried myself back to sleep.
I didn't leave my bed for the rest of the day. Lily came up with a sandwich when I missed supper. She said that Sirius was downstairs and really wanted to talk with me. I told her I had no intention of speaking to him, or anyone else right now. She finally left when she realized that I wasn't going to talk with her.
I knew I would have to leave my room tomorrow, but I knew his schedule, so I figured that I could miss him. The next three days passed the same way. I worked very hard to not see Sirius. I would sneak in and out taking something that I could carry from the Great Hall without anyone noticing, or my friends would bring me food. I even sat with Eva at the Hufflepuff table twice, blending in with her roommates there.
James and Lily kept trying to get me to talk with him, but I had nothing to say. If he didn't trust me, well, then there wasn't anything to discuss. On Thursday after classes were over, I told my roomies that I was going for a walk. They promised to bring me back something to eat, so I went down to the lake. I didn't want to sing, but I really wanted to be alone. I sat looking at the water, remembering being here with Sirius, and I started to cry again. I wrapped my arms around my knees and started rocking back and forth. I was so mad at myself. Why was I crying again, hadn't he gotten enough of my tears? I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I could feel my shoulders shake and my chest heave. I missed him so much.
I was finally starting to calm down, when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Oh no, is it Sirius? I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be him or not, so I turned around slowly. My eyes met Remus' eyes.
"Anwen, we need to talk," he looked awful. His face was white and drawn and his eyes looked sunk into his head. He had scars on his face and hands and his hair was every which way. What the heck happened to him. He looked like he'd been in a fight, and been sick this week. I realized that in my anger, I hadn't been a very good friend. I didn't even realize I hadn't seen him. He sat down next to me. I opened my mouth to speak, but he put his hand up to stop me. He then continued speaking. "I know that you are very mad at Sirius right now, but he's torn up inside that you aren't talking with him. He wanted to tell you, but I told him that he couldn't. You see, it's my secret that he is keeping. I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be friends when you found out. I see now that I have to tell you. I can't sacrifice your friendship with him to save ours. Please don't hate me when you find out what I have to tell you," I looked at him. There was such fear in his eyes. I reached out and touched his arm.
"I could never hate you," I told him honestly.
"Don't say that until you hear what I have to say, Anwen. Sirius, James and Peter were with me. They were helping me, with a little problem that I have," he stammered through this sentence, looking down at the ground. "Anwen, I was bitten by a werewolf when I was a child. I was infected, and every month at the full moon, I change. My friends, they have learned some very powerful magic, so that they can be near me to help me on those nights. You can't tell anyone. There are only a few people know that I change, and no one knows of the help that my friends give me. I know I can trust you, I just hope that you will still be my friend, now that you know," he was still looking at the ground. Again, tears were flowing from my eyes, but they were not for me. They were for Remus. How sad he must feel, knowing that he has to hide from everyone. I couldn't imagine how lonely he must be. How could I have been so selfish? All week, all I had thought about was how I felt, not considering how my behavior had effected anyone else. I reached over and took his hand. It was hard and calloused against mine.
"I will always be your friend. I promise. I swear that I will never tell anyone. Thank you for trusting me," his mouth fell open at my words, and then they curled into a smile.
We sat there in silence until it was nearly dark. We stood and walked back to the castle in silence. There was nothing else that needed to be said. When we reached the Great Hall, Remus and I sat down together. My roommates were glad to see me there and smiled gladly at me. Sirius wasn't there. I asked James if he knew where he was, but he said that he wasn't sure. I ate something quickly, and headed back upstairs. When I got to the common room, he was sitting in my favorite seat, reading. Before he could even stand up, I was throwing myself over the back of the couch, crawling up next to him, flinging my arms around him. "I am so sorry. I will never, ever, ever, get mad again. At least I won't get mad without giving you a chance to explain. You are such a good friend, not just to me, but to Remus too. I am so sorry that I doubted you. Please tell me you forgive me, please," I begged him.
"Anwen, there is nothing to forgive. I missed you so much this week," he said, taking my face between his hands.
"I missed you too," I whispered. He let go of me, and I settled down next to him. We sat there for a moment, next to each other, my head on his chest, his arm around my shoulder. My best friend was back by my side, there was nothing left to say. I looked down in his lap, and my Shakespeare book was there.
"You were reading my book?"
"Yeah. It made you feel like you weren't so far away," he rolled his eyes at the stupidity of his comment. "Anyway, I guess you understand why I couldn't tell you now," I nodded at him. "I really wanted to, I wouldn't have bailed on Friday night if I had realized what this weekend was. The full moon was in the middle of Saturday night, or early Sunday morning," he said, clearly confusing himself as he talked. "You get why this is so important, and why I couldn't tell you? Right?"
"I do, I understand now, and in the future, I will watch the calendar more closely," I said, and then I sighed. "If you need to miss a Friday, just tell me ahead of time," I whispered, and he looked at me sort of shocked. I didn't like how he was looking at me, so I changed the subject. "What I don't understand is what magic is Remus talking about? Can you tell me?"
"I think I can, but, like everything else, this is secret, okay?" I nodded my head in agreement. He looked around to make sure that we were alone. "Do you know what an Animagus is?" I shook my head. "It's a witch or wizard who can change their appearance into an animal. James and I started working on it in our second year, when we began to understand what exactly Remus was. It took us well over a year to get the magic to work right, but it was important. If we are animals, we are strong enough to control Remus. If he did somehow bite us, we wouldn't be infected. After we got it right, we taught Peter the magic. The only other person who knows is Lily. James told her this summer," he said, rolling his eyes. It made me smile. "No one else can know," he told me.
"I understand. Can you tell me, what animal do you become?" He smiled that wonderful crooked smile.
"A big black dog," he said proudly.
"Well, that's barkingly wonderful!" we both laughed.
We talked a while longer, and when he saw me yawn, he insisted that I head upstairs to bed. My homework could wait, I really was tired.
"Anwen, see you tomorrow night," Sirius called to me, just before I started up the stairs.
"Of course, it's Friday night!" I called over my shoulder. The last thing I heard was his wonderful bark like laugh. Even that thought made me smile.
