Life Support - Chapter 4

"Hello?"

"Hey Kyle, how's my favourite piece of hot Jew ass doing?"

Kyle grinned despite himself and shook his head absentmindedly at Kenny's quip, his familiar fake-flirting one of the few tiny aspects of his interactions with other people that he actually quietly looked forward to. To others, Kenny's blatant philandering would come off as inappropriate, but Kyle had endured enough years of facetious touching and glib-tongued beguilement for Kenny's behaviour to seem not unbecoming, but endearing.

"I'm fine, Ken. A little busy, actually. I'm right in the middle of another experimental trial, and thus far the results are less than satisfactory. I'm going to have to fix some the independent variables, and it's really going to be a pain to-"

Kyle was then cut off by an overly dramatic yawn, coupled with sleepy smacking of lips and an air of mockery that Kyle could almost hear from over the phone. Kyle rolled his eyes as he continued multitasking on his work computer, running datum through his self-crafted analysis software, feeling far too busy to be offended by Kenny's disinterest in his work.

"I didn't call you to be put to sleep by scientist talk, Kyley-B."

"Well, I'm really very busy, Kenny." Kyle pursed his lips as the software yielded a negative correlation, going against what his hypothesis had been at the start of his experiment. "I'm knee-deep in unsatisfactory work and dying at my computer right now, so unless you have something important to say, I would really appreciate that you call back later."

"Geez, Mister Scientist got his panties in a bunch because I made fun of his job?"

Kyle sighed.

"You give me a hard time over my job all the time, Kenny. I'm just really busy, that's all."

"I'll make this quick, then. You sir, Mister Kyle Broflovski, are cordially invited to an impromptu luncheon organised by yours truly and Leopold "Butters" Stotch. We will be over promptly at noon to fetch your distinguished posterior to our venue of choice, and may the lord have mercy on your soul should you still be working then."

Kenny's faux-British accent was so mortifyingly bad that Kyle couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

"Are you supposed to be a British aristocrat or a priest?"

"I'm an English nun, Mister Broflovski. Domineering disciplinarians with double Ds. Have you ever seen Sister Act?"

"No."

"You really should check it out, it's a great movie. Whoopi Goldberg's pretty good looking for her age, too-"

"Kenny."

"Right. Like I said, lunch at twelve with me and Butters. I won't take no for an answer."

"Where are we eating?"

"It's a surprise. You won't believe it."


"You've got to be kidding me."

Never in his life would Kyle have imagined the image in front of his eyes at that very moment. The situation was made all the more surreal with the presence of a nervously smiling Butters and the face-splitting grin on Kenny's face as they awaited his reaction to their surprise. In all honesty, he now didn't feel that comfortable at the prospect of having a supposedly casual lunch at this surprise location.

"No."

Butters' face fell a little, while Kenny's grin remained plastered on his face, as though he had been expecting Kyle's reaction.

The trio was standing in front of a newly opened restaurant, a building that Kyle had driven past for months since it had begun construction behind a secretive white curtain and never given it a second glance. The restaurant, now finished, stood out vibrantly against the South Park backdrop, it's colours of green and orange looking jarring and yet comfortable at the same time. One glance into its windows revealed a half-full dining room, a respectable-sized lunch crowd after considering that the restaurant had just opened.

It's sign screamed out a particularly memorable matronymic.

"I'm not going in there. No way."

"I thought you might say that."

Kyle then turned to glare into Kenny's bemused face.

"Then why the fuck are we here right now? I didn't even know that he had returned to South Park, and now you want me to subject myself to his shit again? I've spent many comfortable years away from him, Kenny, I don't need to see him! And do you even remember what he did the last time he called his business that?!"

Kyle thrust an angry finger at the restaurant sign for emphasis. The memory of disgusting, albeit delicious burgers rushed into his head.

"I'm shocked, shocked, Kenny, that no one died of food poisoning after consuming those burgers. Do you have any idea how much mouthwash I used to rinse out my mouth after eating them?"

Kenny maintained a calm temperament, cool as a cucumber as usual.

"It's been a long time, Kyle. We're just as surprised as you are that he's back in town. Isn't there a small part of you that's curious to find out how he's been doing after all these years? I mean, the guy just vanished!"

"Yeah, Kyle, give the guy a chance. I haven't seen him in a long time, but geez, he had some nice qualities back when we were kids!"

"I don't care, guys. I didn't plan to see him again, and I don't want to touch any food he makes, so there."

"Kyle...you're either going inside that restaurant and ordering something yourself, or I'm going to manhandle you in."

Kyle's eyes narrowed.

"You wouldn't dare."

Kenny grinned.

"You might have the fiery temper, Kyle, but I have the better physique and the superior size, as much as you'd hate to admit that you stopped growing taller when you turned fourteen."

Kyle blushed angrily and folded his arms, trying to look intimidating but only succeeding in drawing a chuckle from Kenny and a badly hidden smile from Butters, who was also, to Kyle's chagrin, much taller than him.

"That's adorable, you look like my baby cousin when he's denied a cookie."

"HEY!"

"And don't forget, Kyle, I can still give titty twisters and wedgies just as well as when we were kids. Don't think I'm not willing to hike Mister Scientist's briefs up over his head right here on the street."


"I hate you, Kenny, I really really do."

"What? I didn't get them over your head, it was just a tiny yank."

"THAT FUCKING HURT, JACKASS!"

"Kyle...people are staring."

"I think it's cute that you're still wearing tighty whities."

Kyle tried his best to glare a hole into Kenny's head, but to no avail. The seats in front of the restaurant tables were probably more comfortable than Kyle had imagined they would be, but the tingling in his behind from the spontaneous wedgie outside the restaurant and the underwear still lodged uncomfortably between his buttocks left Kyle with very little wiggle room for comfort. He unsuccessfully tried to fix his briefs without drawing attention to himself, but the task was proving to be near impossible.

He huffily stood from his seat.

"I'm going to the bathroom."

"Got your panties in a bunch?"

Kyle growled fiercely under his breath before storming off towards the washroom, trying to ignore Kenny's obvious laughter from behind him and the cringeworthy feeling of his underwear rubbing against him with every step he took.

Butters turned to Kenny once Kyle had left the table and frowned disapprovingly.

"That wasn't very nice. We invited him here, Ken. You're not being a very good host."

"Aw, come on, Butters. I was only trying to get him to come in. You and I both know that he's dying to know about Cartman as much as we are."

"You still didn't need to do that to him."

"It's so...tempting! Don't tell me you haven't imagined picking a small guy like Kyle up by his underwear before."

"Kenny."

It was rare that Butters wore his air of seriousness, but the disapproval was practically radiating off him in waves as he looked at Kenny with the most disappointed expression imaginable. There wasn't anybody else in the world who could put Kenny McCormick in his place with a single word as easily as Butters Stotch.

Kenny slouched in his seat.

"Fine. It won't happen again."

"And?"

Kenny rolled his eyes.

"...I'll apologise to him when he gets back."

"Good."

Just like that, the cloud of seriousness shrouding Butters' entire being vanished, giving way to cheery smiles and a brightened disposition.

Kyle returned from the bathroom after adjusting his underpants, sinking back down into his seat and pouting at the locker room-esque mistreatment he had just suffered at the hands of one of his few remaining friends. Butters threw Kenny a look, prompting an exaggerated sigh.

"Kyle, I'm sorry I wedged your undies halfway up your back-"

"They were up to my neck, jackass."

"Fine, up to your neck. I realise I could actually have hurt you. It was disrespectful of me and I regret ever doing it. I promise I will never do it again, and to make it up to you I would like to pay for your lunch today."

Kyle smiled despite himself at Kenny's comically stone-faced apology.

"Butters made you say that, didn't he?"

Butters squeakily excused himself and pranced off towards the washroom at Kyle's comment.

"Yeah...I meant it though."

"...Forget about it."

"You sure? I'll pay for your lunch, dude, I'll do it."

Kyle knew that Kenny, who had been in a precarious financial situation for pretty much the entirety of his life, was in no position to buy lunches that he couldn't afford for other people. He had in fact been prepared to foot the bill for their entire party of three if it was needed of him to do so. For him to allow Kenny to pay for his food when he was in a comparatively well-paying job seemed a little unethical and an absolute travesty.

"No, Kenny, don't. I'll take care of lunch. You can wedgie me as much as you want and I'll still be happy to pay for food, dude."

"Well, if you insist..."

Kenny made a suggestive move to grab at Kyle's pants again, only for the red headed Jew to shove his hands aside and snarl threateningly.

"That was a figure of speech, Kenny."

"Geez, lighten up, Kyle, I was only joking."

"I'll pay for lunch today. You can pay for my medical bill if I enter the hospital after contracting some food-borne disease from the food served in this place-HI!"

The premature appearance of a waitress at their table led to Kyle nearly shouting a greeting to try and brush past the fact that he had probably insulted her restaurant of employment within earshot. Kenny held back stifled chuckles as he watched Kyle struggle to maintain a smile, all the while nursing a rapidly reddening face.

The waitress either didn't notice his insult, or was merciful enough to pretend she didn't hear anything.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen. Welcome to Cartman Burger. May I take your order?

"One of our party isn't back from the washroom, so-"

"Hey fellas!"

"Okay, I stand corrected."

After their orders had been placed, Kyle took a moment to peruse the decor of the dining room they were in. He had expected Eric Cartman, if he ever went into the food business, to open a shady roadside diner serving dubious-looking fries and greasy steaks. The establishment he was in the midst of patronizing (an action which caused every fibre in his body to cry out in protest) contradicted his expectations in every way.

A quaint and tastefully decorated dining room. Well-mannered floor staff in proper, clean attire. An overall atmosphere of serenity and happy diners. The restaurant appeared to fit the bill for every pleasant experience that Kyle had had dining, limited as they were.

Something's not right here.

Kyle's internal danger alarm and paranoia indicated that there had to be a catch. For all they knew, Cartman was in the kitchen at that very moment spiking the plates that entered the dining room with salmonella or anthrax. The air conditioning in the dining room could have been tainted with gaseous toxins. Everyone in the kitchen could be speaking in German and saluting the Führer with every plate that got sent out.

His mouth rapidly drying up as his self-fueled anxiety grew, Kyle nervously looked around the dining room to spot for potential hazards.

"Would you calm the fuck down? There's nothing wrong with this place. Everything looks perfectly clean and safe."

"You don't know."

"He's grown up, Kyle. We all have. Let go your irrational fears and believe for once in your life that people are capable of change."

Kyle shot Kenny a glare.

"People are capable of change, Kenny. Eric Cartman is not. He is the most depraved, manipulative person I had ever known, and not once had he given me any kind of indication that he's able to turn over a new leaf. I don't see how he's going to prove me wrong today. I'm actually praying we don't get to see his face."

"Kyle-"

"Do you remember what he did the last time he called a business "Cartman Burger"? Fart-infused Burgers. Who the hell does that?"

Butters then did something that was relatively out of character and chimed in into the discussion, which was actually less of a discussion than a one-sided rant.

"Geez, Kyle, Eric did have some qualities that made him a good person."

Perhaps it was Butters' unparalleled tone of genuineity, or perhaps it was the fact that he had always stayed in the background every time Kyle got hot-headed about something, but Kyle exchanged scoffing at Butters' naiveity with a somewhat stunned silence as he listened to what his friend had to say.

"He can be awfully nice about things. Sure, he might have appeared like a mean ole' fella, but he was incredibly thoughtful, stood up for what he believed in, and never cared much for what other people thought of him. He might have been cruel as a child, but that's only because he didn't have a clue who his father was, and his mom was a crackwhore."

Kenny stared at Butters, mouth agape, as he struggled to digest what seemed to be the longest uninterrupted speech to come out from his mouth.

"You stick to your judgements for too long, Kyle. You're an absolute sweetheart to everyone who knows you, and you're warm and generous and all those nice things, and any girl would be lucky to have you. But you haven't seen ole' Eric in about eight years. Don't you think it's time that you gave him the benefit of the doubt and try his burgers without judgement? You won't know till you've tried them!"

Before Kyle could even begin to find his tongue, he was interrupted by a group of three smartly dressed waiters approaching their table with their food. As the plates were set down in front of them, the trio of diners stared down at their entrées, utterly flabbergasted by what they had received.

The head waiter lingered around their table to describe their dishes.

"Sir, your burger uses Kobe beef, garnished with smoked paprika, lightly caramalized bacon strips, and a generous sampling of lettuce and crunchy onions for texture. The chef has also added carefully portioned buttery avocado to enhance the richness of the burger."

"...I'm sorry, I think I'm getting a bit of an aneurysm."

"Sir, yours uses Andouille for its main meat, a spicy pork sausage fried with garlic and a balanced mix of Cajun seasoning. The chef has added toasty pecans for a bit of crunch, special sweet mayonnaise of his own creation, and a side of fresh apple slaw to counteract the spiciness of the meat."

"That sounds great!"

"And lastly, Sir, you ordered the Cartman Special. A beautiful patty of Kosher beef, sandwiched between pan-fried tomatoes, roasted pineapple, and topped with a spin on Eggs Benedict, namely a gently poached egg and a generous helping of Hollandaise."

Kyle stared at his burger, at a complete loss for words.

"I'll leave you gentlemen to your meal."

"Wait! I mean...why did the chef use Kosher beef for the Cartman Special?"

Kyle's question was rooted in genuine curiosity. As someone who had ripped on him for the entirety of their childhood for being Jewish, it seemed highly unlikely that Cartman would voluntarily use a Jewish food product for his signature burger.

The waiter answered the question professionally without skipping a beat.

"Our chef likes working with kosher beef as it uses more challenging cuts of meat as compared to the traditionally popular cuts at the hindquarters of the cow. Also, he finds the additional saltiness of Kosher beef to be quite palatable. I trust there's no issue? If there is I will be more than happy I request a non-kosher version of the burger from the kitchen."

Kyle swallowed.

"No...it's fine. Thank you."

A thin sliver of drool started to run down the side of Kenny's mouth. The only thing that was holding him back from tearing into the burger in front of him was Kyle's conflicted expression as he sank back in his seat, still incredulous at the entré that he had just received. Butters looked between his two companions, unsure of what to do next.

"Eat, guys. Don't worry about me. I just...need a moment."

Kenny needed no further invitation. At Kyle's words, he snatched up the burger from its plate and chomped voraciously into it, nearly losing a few of the bacon strips in the process. Butters picked up his own burger with much more grace before biting into it, his eyes lighting up with delight upon first contact.

"Ooo...it's spicy, but it's really good!"

"Holy shit, dudes..." Kenny nearly moaned as he paused his gluttonous massacre of his food. "The avocado's fucking melting onto the meat, the onions are crunchy just the way I like it, and everything else is just perfect. I think I've died and gone to burger heaven."

As he watched his friends tuck into their meals with vigour, Kyle could feel his stomach rumbling, no doubt a result of a tiny breakfast, a tough morning at the laboratory, and the visage of a preppy, delicious-looking burger staring back at him from his plate. Biting his lip hesitantly, Kyle slowly reached for the top piece of bun, which had been dressed with sesame seeds and left on the side of the plate. He placed the bun on top of the poached egg and pressed down. Yolk spilled outwards, streaming downwards and coating the rest of the burger, meat condiments and all, in yellowy goodness.

Both Butters and Kenny paused their chewing as they watched their friend take a big step towards accepting a part of his past back into his life.

Lifting the burger carefully from the plate, Kyle stared at it in wonderment as he contemplated how it's contents were miraculously staying in place despite the sheer volume of food resting between two comparatively tiny buns.

"Take a bite, Kyle, or I'm eating it myself."

Ignoring Kenny's comment, Kyle took in a deep breath before taking a small, tentative bite of the multiple layers. The sweetness from the pineapple hit his palate first, followed by a rush of pleasant sourness from the lemon in the Hollandaise and the bright red tomatoes. The egg, remarkably tasty and providing an unexpected layer of texture to the entire burger, coated itself to the roof of his mouth and enveloped the entirety of his experience. Throughout everything, the saltiness and savouriness of the kosher beef rang through, standing on its own impressively aside from the rest of the perfectly cooked condiments adorning the burger.

Kenny and Butters continued staring at their friend as they waited for his reaction. Kyle swallowed down his first bite before speaking in an uncharacteristically meek voice.

"It's delicious."

Whoops and cheers abounded from Kenny and Butters before they pressed their faces back into their own burgers greedily. Kyle felt a small smile growing on his face as he took another bite of his food, which was turning out to be the best burger he had ever eaten.


"Check please."

"Kyle, don't."

"We invited you here today, Kyle."

Kyle waved off his friends' exasperated expressions resolutely as he signalled for the bill. Since the start of his work at BioSPolis, Kyle had felt financially stable enough to afford to foot the bill at the rare lunches and dinners that the trio found themselves at. Kenny's odd-job hopping ensured that he was always struggling to even afford rent, whilst Butters was still gradually earning back what he had borrowed to open up his flower business.

He knew that Kenny in particular wasn't always comfortable with accepting charity, but Kyle had always been skilled in ensuring that he never felt subpar in his company.

"I told you, Ken. In about half an hour I'm going to be barfing my guts out on the pavement. Wait till you see the medical bill I'll be sending you. It'll far surpass the cost of this meal."

Kenny threw Kyle a grateful grin, which Kyle returned instantly.

"Shall we go? I need to be back in the lab soon. I've got cultures going and if I'm late, they're gonna overrun and I'll have to start from scratch."

"Aw shucks, I need to get back to the florist too. I've got a few orders in that I haven't settled yet."

"Let's go then."

Just as the trio were rising to their feet, a figure dressed in a white coat exited the kitchen, causing a slight racket as he opened the doors violently into the dining room. All eyes were drawn towards the large man as he fiercely beckoned to one of the kitchen helpers, who scurried to his side fearfully at his boss' command. The man spoke in a lowered, but still enraged tone of voice.

"Where the fuck are the tomatoes? I told you we were out a fucking hour ago!"

Only then did the man notice that he had corralled the attention of his entire dining room. Without missing a beat, the man rose to his full height and addressed the lunch crowd.

"My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. We're just experiencing a few supply issues with the kitchen, but they'll be settled in no time at all..."

The trio's eyes widened at the sight of a familiar face. If Kyle had been in any doubt that the strangely non-fat person was indeed who he thought he was, all said doubt was erased at the sound of his signature nasally voice.

"I trust everyone is enjoying their meals, and do tip the servers well if their service has been good."

At that very moment, the man caught Kyle's eyes, falling deathly silent as addressing the crowd became a mere afterthought. Kyle hurried to hide behind a much taller Kenny, only to be pushed back to the front of their small group by his self-designated shield.

"Dude...give this a chance."

Kyle looked back at his ex-arch nemesis' face nervously. The expression on Cartman's face was unreadable.

"Kyle Broflovski."

Kyle could only nod.


Author's Note - Going good, yes? I should think so. I have to admit, writing about food is one of my favourite guilty pleasures as an author.

Reviews greatly appreciated.

~SUITELIFEFAN